Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I cheated and cannot repair my marriage – seeking advice not judgement

Hi all,

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Please don’t hate me for what I will say, as I already hate myself for it and only need some advice.

I am married to Muslim from North Africa for almost 8 years He proposed only after 6 months we were together and as he was my first love I have accepted strait away.

Our marriage had ups and downs, First year was a bliss like in the most marriages, the Islam was never between us and I was very loyal to my husband and his believes, although I was from not religious upbringing I respect his religion and I always thought that if we would have kids I would never see the problem them following my husband’s believes.

During our third/ fourth year my husband started business and he was away for trips, I felt very lonely and lost, then during our fifth year I committed sin and had a one night stand with a guy while my husband was on business trip.

I have regretted strait away but my husband find out and we had huge argument. I begged him not to leave me as this proved to me that I love my husband even more and that this was just stupid mistake. He had really hard time to accept this but in the end he decided to give it a go and to forget what have happened.

Three years have passed by, our life goes as it was before but there is always tension between us, I love him with all my heart and cannot see our life apart but he recently told me that the day he found out I killed him; I killed his feelings for me. He says that he has forgiven me but he cannot change what’s inside him.

I do believe that if you love someone you can forgive everything. I suggested couple of times to see marriage councillor or imam, as I think we need to try talking about it and I think we need help. I really don't want our marriage to break, I know I am not Muslim and I cannot pray for forgiveness but I think I do suffer enough as every day I know it was my fault and I do regret deeply. I honestly cannot see my life without him; deep inside me I know that my life would be over if he would leave me.

I also recently saw him reading on websites on how to forget/ forgive infidelity and most of the websites in Arabic are really harsh towards infidelity I only see articles about stoning and etc.

I am seeking your advice on how can try to resolve our problem, do you think Muslim men would consider counselling (he did mention to me that he will never tell anybody about what happened as he is disgusted with this) I am really lost and although there is lots of advices on websites regarding infidelity majority of the cases involve non-Muslim and its heard to find any advice when one in the family is Muslim.

I appreciate that most of you would think that I don’t deserve him but I am really deeply in love with him and I do regret for what I have done and I am paying for this every day, it never leaves my thoughts. I want our marriage to survive and I will try to do anything.

Thank you all very much.

- lost2013

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19 Responses »

    I know I am not Muslim and I cannot pray for forgiveness
    Children are Born Believers in One-God
    Children are “born believers” in One-God and do not simply acquire religious beliefs through indoctrination,
    young children have faith even when they have not been taught about it by family or at school, and argues that even those raised alone on a desert island would come to believe in One-God.
    Narrated Abu Huraira :
    Allah's Apostle said,
    "Every child is born with a true faith of Islam (i.e. to worship none but Allah Alone) but his parents convert him to Judaism, Christianity or Magainism,
    The Primordial Covenant
    “And [remember] when your Lord brought forth from the Children of Adam, from their loins, their seed, and made them testify of themselves, [He asked]: “Am I not your Lord?” They said “Yes, we testify!” Lest you should say on the Day of Resurrection: “Of this we were unaware.”
    The definitive attribute of man is his ability to forget. The very word used in the Quran for “man,” insan, is related etymologically to the word nisyan, or forgetfulness. Thus the human as he is initiated into the world progressively loses his awareness of the immediate presence of One-God. It is the function of religion to make us remember.
    This is related to the five stages of the lives of man, one of which, is the ‘preconceptual life’, which took place before we came into this world. This world, known as dunya in Arabic, is derived from the word ‘low’ and is seen in Islamic cosmology as the lowest world. Indicating that there are worlds above this one, and that man descended from the highest, which is from the presence of God. This stage of preconception is when, according to the Quran, God took all the created souls, and brought them together where He said to them “Am I not your Lord?” and the souls responded in affirmation, “Yes, we testify!”


  2. greetings and peace.

    first of all i understand that you are not a muslim woman? therefore the shariah judgements do not apply regarding having sex with another man. that said - it is the most appalling thing to do to a marriage. Your husband's heart has been broken and he wants to forgive you because he loves you (looking on the websites for help etc) He is a most excellent and forgiving man if he is able to forgive you and stay with you. divorces happen for less than this and a lot worse than divorce can happen because of this so you must start to be grateful for such a man.

    Your conscience would have told you what you did was wrong - so to have shame and sorrow is a sign of a good heart also - and you should always have hope for God's mercy and guidance. God knows also that you are truly sorry and God is most forgiving but when it comes to something like this - if your husband can forgive you then it's best. otherwise maybe you should consider divorce.

  3. Pls donot wrry pls donot repeat . . .

  4. well he has had a big enough heart to forgive u despite it bothering him and trust u enough to stay with u. i think u should give him islamic stories and let him listen to islamic lectures that talks about how one should forget someone's past if they have changed their ways. u may want to ask for advise from website and theyll in shaa Allaah provide u with some info and advise

    there is no reason why a muslim would object going to see a marriage counsellor, however, some cultures (not religion) frown upon that. However, not everyone thinks of it the same, so its worth asking him.

    hope everything goes well for u. take care. and give him extra love and be the best u can

    • i also think u should learn more about islam, not neccessarily for the relationship, but for yourself more importantly. islam is a beautiful religion, and gives women many rights. im sure u would enjoy being a muslim woman! is good place to start looking at for info.

      try to sort ur relationship out with ur hubby, but life is short u never know when death might come, so wake up to what the purpose of our life is. our love with our creator should be more than it is with anyone else, it is Allaah that loves us more than anyone, loves more than our own mothers do and it is Allaah after all that has given u such a loving and wonderful husband who is trying his very very best to forget what u did, which hardly any man would do, so how can u forget the creator who has given u such a great guy?

      take care 🙂

  5. Hi,

    Yeah I agree that you can in fact still pray for forgiveness. Being human in itself is reason enough to have a reason to pray to God, and who knows, maybe this is a tool God is using to take you to the next step in religion. Maybe if you pray and everything works out, you'll consider Islam and maybe your husband will consider even deeper forgiving you in his heart... of course I'm not suggesting you revert to Islam simply for your husbands forgiveness, but it's just sometimes the tools Allah uses are very painful but good for us in the end.
    As for your husband, I'm sorry to say that your husband has every right not to forgive you. It seems like you poisoned your marriage, and now you want back something you lost. Me as a woman, it's an emotional flaw of mine (and many other women and men in fact) that you want something even more once it's taken off the table. Don't ask me why, but I think when you assume something will always be there, and is available to take risks with it, you appreciate it less. Now your husbands love has all but been taken off the table and you covet his affection more than ever. Unfortunately for you, your sin put you in a position where you're at the mercy of your husbands judgement to forgive you or not. If he doesn't, then divorce is a real possibility. After all, how long do you think he'll live miserable and haunted by the thoughts of you under another man? I know many men that would instantly not treasure their wives any more if she had another man. I'm not sure if you were virgin when you two married, but trust as picture for this article implies has been destroyed and that is enough to destroy the relationship between you two.
    What I would suggest is forget the counceling. A muslim man usually doesn't feel right opening up to strangers about their personal problems, especially even having to squeeze out of his lips to a stranger that his wife cheated on him. It's so deplorable and dishonorable that most men would never utter this to a stranger, and the thought of marriage counceling is both embarassing and humiliating to men from that culture. If you want counceling, then I suggest the counceling be between you two. Sit him down, and tell him you love him very much, and ask him how he feels in the marriage. Tell him you sense the tension and you want to fix it, and live a happy life with him, and he's your only thought in this world and you would die without him. Don't let the fear of the conversation keep you from having it, as the consequences are that the problem festers both in his heart and in your home.

    I understand as a woman you're bound by your emotions, but if I were you, I would also try to convince yourself that there's a possibility that he may say he doesn't love you anymore... in that case, first think of a way to explain to him that love can be built on trust and you'll do anything to earn his trust back for the rest of your life. If that doesn't work, then you need to make a decision... live with Shaytan (the demons of the devil) whispering things in his ears about your infidelity forever, poisoning your house and making you both miserable forever, or consider divorce. I hate to say it, but you very well may just end up suffering the loss of a good man for what you've done, but honestly he deserves a good woman who will remain faithful, and Allah has given him the right to divorce you for what you've done, it's one of the few sins that gives your husband that allowance in God's eyes. You just happened to chose the worst sin between a husband and wife, and honestly being lonely is no excuse.
    I wonder how he found out, if you told him then you could remind him that you were so bound by your grief that you were honest about your infidelity. If he found out in some unspeakable, sneaky way as you were trying to hide it, then that only works further against you.

    I want to give good advice here, but sometimes there's not a lot you can say.

    Good luck,
    Sister Stacy

  6. salam

    actually sister Stacy has said it correctly. Islam aside for one moment, how could a person do this to another i can never understand . God forbid if it happened to me i would go mad. other than somebody dying, this is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person.

    Myself even though I love my wife i cannot think of anything worse and i could not forgive and would have to divorce.

    • I agree most man never forgive there wife's for cheating on him, gid forbid if I cheating in my husband he wouldn't even think twice he would let me ago and never let me come back to his life, so what I'm trying to say you were lucky he forgive you. I would give him sometime ontill his heart is heal.




    • It is a misunderstanding that a non Muslim is not allowed to touch the Quran. The reason given is that the non Muslims are not pure. The following verses from the Quran is quoted in this regard:

      Surah al Waqiah:

      77. That (this) is indeed an honourable recital (the Noble Qur'an).
      78. In a Book well-guarded (with Allah in the heaven i.e. Al-Lauh Al-Mahfuz).
      79. Which (that Book with Allah) none can touch but the purified (i.e. the angels)
      80. A Revelation (this Qur'an) from the Lord of the 'Alamin (mankind, jinns and all that exists).

      The verse 79 says that none shall touch it but the purified. The people misunderstand that purification means ablution, and while a non Muslim does not do ablution, he or she isn't allowed to touch the Quran.

      But this verse is not regarding the Quran at all. It is regarding the Lawh al Mahfuz from which, Allah gave the Quran to our Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. And none shall touch this book, but the purified ones, meaning angels. We Human beings are not pure enough to be termed 'purified'

      So, dear Lost2013, you are allowed to touch a copy of the Quran, but make sure you do not disrespect it, as it contains the Words of your Creator - Allah. I pray that Allah Guides you to Islam and accepts you as one of His Believing Servants.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

      • I second Wael.

        However, I would like to add further.

        Before the advent of this verse, the Quraish used to say that Quranic verses have the influence of devil.
        This verse arrived.

        The Quran mentioned here is the one which is kept in the heavens. This tablet is only touched by the angels thus refuting the Quiraishites claim that the Quran is from the devil.

        Plus, if you think logically any person can go and purchase a Quran.

  8. As-salaamu alaykum,

    Sister with all due respect I must be very straight forward about the answer to this question.

    My wife cheated on me and although I tried to forgive her I could not forget. I asked Allah to show me the right answer and a short time later she converted to Islaam through her own choice. This is the only thing that saved our marriage.

    Why? She started dressing more appropriately covering herself and making herself less attractive to other men. She stopped going to places of mixed company (male/female). She stopped doing many things that are ok for non-Muslims but forbidden to Muslims such as drinking, partying, going out, etc. She removed from her life the temptations and behaviours which led to the incident in the first place and replaced them with something better.

    My point to you is that possibly your actions as a non-Muslim continue to raise red flags in your husbands head, in spite of your contrition. Possibly you are sorry in your heart however if you have not really changed as a person then how does he know? In his mind all he can think of when he leave the house is "what if...."?

    Only Allah can change the heart, but obviously you have not shown him that there has been a deep change within you, and it is this failure to demonstrate a deep sense of moral change that concerns him more than anything else. Tears and apologies are easy to produce, but deep change in the heart only comes from Allah.

    Speaking from experience, after the incident I tried very hard to get over it. I blamed myself and felt ashamed and humiliated. Even though I forgave her for that one indiscretion I could not forget and every time I touched her all I could think of was another man being where I was, the lies she told to cover it up, what else there could be that she didn't tell me and when was she going to do it again? These are the things that go through a persons head. In America the women have a saying: "once a cheater always a cheater", and certainly I could not get this out of my thoughts.

    As a Muslim however I recognized that this was the Shaytan. You see, in Islaam if you choose to forgive a person and remain with them after such a thing, then you must leave it. You must put it in Allah's hands and do your best not to continue harming (through words or deeds) the person, in spite of their actions, if you stay in the relationship. This is difficult and only by the grace of Allah was I able to overcome my bad feelings. From your words it seems that your husband desires to get over this, and by his staying with you it is evident that he loves you, however only Allah can remove the scar. Somewhere in his head is the fear that it may happen again, and this is what you must begin to address on deeper level than words.

    So what happened in my case,how did we heal? As I said she became Muslim. Not for me but for her own reasons, realizing that her attitude and lifestyle was partly to blame, as I was lenient with her as a non-Muslim, she wanted a different life and she found that life in Islaam.

    I can truly say that only this saved our marriage as her drastic lifestyle change showed not that she was afraid of losing me, but that she feared God more. Knowing that a person fears God assures you that you do not have to watch or spy on them, and it was only this certainty in her love of her religion that I began to be able to leave the house without wondering if someone was sleeping in my bed. That was 3 years ago.

    It took a lot of conversations a lot of tears and a lot of patience but I can truly say today that she really is a different person. She wears clothing that is modest and covers her head. She does not go out without me, or if she does it is to the store or places appropriate. She no longer drinks and does not associate with non-Muslim women, or other men outside of her family. In essence she changed at a deeper level to the point that now I say to myself, 'why worry, if she fears Allah more than she fears me'?

    Without judging you I can assure you that it will take much more than a few tears to convince your husband (especially a Muslim man). He is deeply humiliated, hurt and I assure you that nothing you feel is even close to what he feels. So if you want to convince him that you really have changed...then really change.

    The most effective of change is not on the outside but on the inside. Seek to understand that there is only One God and that He has revealed His will to us in His holy Book called the Qur'aan. In this book He has explained the nature of our existence and purpose in life, the nature of marriage, sin and forgiveness. He has sent His last Messenger as an example of the best way to live, and as a light to all humanity. Islaam is not a religion but a way of life, one which until now you have ignored.

    Maybe Allah is calling you to something much bigger than what you have ever entertained. You don't need counseling... you need to read the Holy Qur'aan together, as it is far greater than the words of a therapist educated only in mans theory. The Qur'aan is not theoritecal, it is medicine for the heart, mind and souls of humanity, and it can heal both you and your husbands hearts if you give it a chance.

    Sometimes we make mistakes for reasons even we do not understand. There is a saying that "man remembers the things God forgets". In other words have you sought forgiveness from God? Have you sought to bring yourself closer to Him by better applying his word as you understand it? Have you made efforts to truly cleanse your life of what is unclean and corrupt? This is true change, and it is only true change which will bring your husbands heart back to you.

    It says in the Holy Qur'aan: "Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change it themselves" v.13:11

    In your case if you want your situation to change you must find the fear of God within your heart, but to fear God you must have true knowledge of God, who He is and what His Will is. The Christian Bible says:
    "The fear of God is the beginning of knowledge" Proverbs 1:7 Only this fear will result in the sincere change which you will need to redeem your marriage.

    As I am a Muslim I can only advise you as a Muslim and my suggestion is to begin to read about the life of the Prophet of Islaam, read about the nature of marriage and the role of the husband and wife in Islaam. Whether you convert to Islaam is between you and God for only He makes Muslims, however you deeper understanding of you husbands faith may give you the insight you need to engender the confidence in him that will remove this stain and ease the pain that he feels.

    Also by better understanding your husband it will demonstrate that you truly do love him, because the greatest of all love, after the love of God, is the love of ones spouse, and if you love him then you will follow him. You will not treat his faith as if it is a "cultural thing" but rather as a real path to spiritual and moral unity between husband and wife, in this life and in the next.

    You may not be totally at fault and certainly he should consider his role in this, his own application of his religion and his need to help you better understand what it is to be a wife, and what it is to be in love. Therefore the greatest glue in any relationship is not love by itself, but the combined love of God that a couple share, which reinforces their love and commitment to one another.

    May Allah have mercy on you both, heal your hearts and remove the pain which ails you souls.

  9. Salam,
    Like lots of people are saying. Your Very lucky that he didn't leave you. My husband personally "God forbid" if I cheated on him he would kill me and he will say it was Halal. Just have patience. If he cheated on you would you just bounce back and be happy? Heck NO you won't. He has a nice heart man if he is still with you. I know how it feel to be lonely. Temptations are every where but having the fear of Allah and respect for yourself plus you parents, should always be in your mind. Also did you ever think of converting? I don't know why your husband never told you about converting. Don't do it again. Plus forget about having his trust..... thats longgggg gone 🙂 Inshallah you will feel better!

  10. well, You are one lucky women i would say. Men do not by any chance forgive anything such. :/
    To get things normalised, you have to have your inner being satisfied, that is only when you stop feeling guilty and come out of this *alone - to be* trauma.
    who says , you can not ask for forgiveness? You do agree that there exists this Supreme Being, to whom belongs the Throne? every monotheist , in one form or the other, agrees to it.
    Cry your heart out, that anew feel would be a bliss - trust me. What eyes can not see, is proven to be more powerful , compared to what eyes can see. just cry, ask for forgiveness, If not from Allah, than from The Creator, or whoever you pray to. and you will see how things fall right into place.
    because, trust once gone, can not be mended. Only Allah, or some super natural power can melt your husbands heart, which can overpower this cheated feel and he will be back to you Amen.
    Keep up the high hopes* and Pray.
    Allah-does it all.

  11. Selam,

    Why do these "who hurt us" get the most help? The true is, that we have to help her husband.

    Ask your husband for forgiveness, even if you are not a Muslim, because at least you don't have to burn in a far more worse hell for ever. Because attribution a partner to God, while you have received the message of Islam is eternal hell.

    There are three kinds of sins in Islam :
    1. Sins to God (Not believing to God is the hardest sin)
    2. Sins to the creation of God (Human and Animals willingly like your husband.)
    3. Sins to yourself (Like smoking)

    If you do one of these kind of Sins or their mixes, you should seek forgiveness of those, who you have damaged.

    There are Sins, which are both a sin against Allah and the creation. For example you talk about someone else, while he's not there about him in a bad manner.

    You have to repent to God and ask the one you have backbiten for forgiveness like :"I did such and such to you... " and he must forgive you. And after that, you should not tell your sin to someone else, as this is bricking with Sins. No one should be proud of making Sins.

  12. Sister I have one idea for your problem

    It might be difficult one for you but if you try to do it and think and search about it you will be a successful lady

    Solution is ..first thing you say your husband if Allah can forgive the person then why can't....
    You search Islam , accept Islam .. When you accept the islam your husband must have to think that my wife accept Islam just because of me and she is guilty and you try to implement Islam in your life in your dressing and fellows relation etc trust me its only the solution of your problem and also Allah might want to take you towards islam(only true religion). Please its my humble request ...
    Read about last prophet Muhammad SAW you will feel good

  13. Hi. What Stacey said was correct. If it was another muslim man straight they divorce. But i side him he is not happy as the love has been poisened by unfaithfulness. My idea is to revert to Islam and once you did it all yr past sins are forgiven and you start learning the deen. it will make him happy and will be with you starting a new life as a Muslim. He will think you did it out of not knowing the religion and now he will consider forgiving and start a new life considering the case that you sacrificed yr religion for him and you are now Muslim and will not repeat it again

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