Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheating and Distant Husband to take 2nd Wife!

Separate bedrooms

"We sleep in separate bedrooms without intimacy, he has affairs, and he is seeking a second wife."

Question:

We have been married for over 10 years and due to fertility issues we have been unable to conceive. Our marriage has hit rock bottom, although we both live in the same house we sleep seperately.

Over the past 4/5 years i found out recently that he has had a number of affairs/one night stands etc and in one case actually got someone pregnant! I have recently found out that my Husband is due to leave the country and go back and take a 2nd wife.

He has been distant towards me for many years now as he has it in his mind that. I will never be able to have a child and therefore refuses to come anywhere near me as it will ruin his plans for remarrying.

From the beginning he never showed any emotions or feelings towards me as our marriage was arranged (he had already had an illegitimate relationship before we wed). I have tried and tried to make this work and am now at the end. He sits at watches. TV until. I go to bed and then comes up to his room just so that he can avoid me asking him to come into my room. He refuses to go out with me or take me anywhere in the car or buy the shopping. I work full time and run the house whilst he earns his money and saves it all.

Please can you advise me on where i stand, do i have any rights to ask for a divorce? or any other advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Kind Regards
- MatureMind

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I am sorry to hear about the marital issues in your life. In most cases, I would advise a woman to take her time and be very careful about deciding on the difficult issue of divorce. If, however, you know that he has been unfaithful to you in the past and that he has basically abandoned you within the marriage, I am comfortable in saying that there is no future for you in this relationship and you have the right to ask for a divorce.

A woman has rights over her husband, regardless of if she is able to conceive or not. Islam demands the kind treatment of spouses, and a woman has a right to physical intimacy with her husband. The scholars differ in the frequency, but say that a husband may not be away from his wife for more than four or six months without a valid reason. If he abandons her, then she has a right to seek a divorce or an annulment of the marriage. As you are in the same house and he does not have a valid excuse, he certainly is guilty of desertion of you.

In addition to this fact, if he is indeed guilty of zinah, fornication / adultery, then he has committed a great crime in the sight of Allah, and you absolutely do not have to tolerate it. Men have the permission to marry up to four women with honor; to simply have affairs is inexcusable.

In a way, it is a good thing perhaps that you were unable to have children with him. Your decision to leave will not be complicated by the presence of little ones. If he is as you say, and Allah knows the truth, you can have a clear conscience that, if you have done your best to fulfill his rights, then you are not doing anything wrong in seeking to leave him. InshAllah, you can spend some time alone to heal from this betrayal, and perhaps in the future find a good husband, though of course this is in the Hand of Allah.

I advise you to do what needs to be done, then work on making sure you are a physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy Muslimah. I'm sure your self-esteem has taken a hit from being in a loveless marriage. If you can live nicely with family, do so. If you are able to support yourself and live alone, don't isolate yourself. Find strong Muslim sisters to spend time with, be steadfast in your prayers and fasting, and learn to become confident in yourself. You don't need a man to tell you you are a good person. If Allah wills and one comes along eventually, alhamdulillah. Until that time, you can live a full life, work, learn, and please Allah by helping those who are in a lesser situation than you. I pray that you are able to work through this challenge in your life and come out stronger as a Muslimah and a woman. And Allah knows best.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com


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17 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I am sorry to hear about the marital issues in your life. In most cases, I would advise a woman to take her time and be very careful about deciding on the difficult issue of divorce. If, however, you know that he has been unfaithful to you in the past and that he has basically abandoned you within the marriage, I am comfortable in saying that there is no future for you in this relationship and you have the right to ask for a divorce.

    A woman has rights over her husband, regardless of if she is able to conceive or not. Islam demands the kind treatment of spouses, and a woman has a right to physical intimacy with her husband. The scholars differ in the frequency, but say that a husband may not be away from his wife for more than four or six months without a valid reason. If he abandons her, then she has a right to seek a divorce or an annulment of the marriage. As you are in the same house and he does not have a valid excuse, he certainly is guilty of desertion of you.

    In addition to this fact, if he is indeed guilty of zinah, fornication / adultery, then he has committed a great crime in the sight of Allah, and you absolutely do not have to tolerate it. Men have the permission to marry up to four women with honor; to simply have affairs is inexcusable.

    In a way, it is a good thing perhaps that you were unable to have children with him. Your decision to leave will not be complicated by the presence of little ones. If he is as you say, and Allah knows the truth, you can have a clear conscience that, if you have done your best to fulfill his rights, then you are not doing anything wrong in seeking to leave him. InshAllah, you can spend some time alone to heal from this betrayal, and perhaps in the future find a good husband, though of course this is in the Hand of Allah.

    I advise you to do what needs to be done, then work on making sure you are a physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy Muslimah. I'm sure your self-esteem has taken a hit from being in a loveless marriage. If you can live nicely with family, do so. If you are able to support yourself and live alone, don't isolate yourself. Find strong Muslim sisters to spend time with, be steadfast in your prayers and fasting, and learn to become confident in yourself. You don't need a man to tell you you are a good person. If Allah wills and one comes along eventually, alhamdulillah. Until that time, you can live a full life, work, learn, and please Allah by helping those who are in a lesser situation than you. I pray that you are able to work through this challenge in your life and come out stronger as a Muslimah and a woman. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    in islam if the man aint give the wife her rights then it is permissble to seek divorce. there is no need for you to suffer, so i suggest you take your leave.

    ma salama

  3. i notice sadly that most of your anwers to this women seeking help or advise is divorce.
    it's sad but do you have better answers??i am sure that they have thought about divorce and think that
    it's not the right solution that's why they are asking for alternatives??

  4. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    FIrman, you are correct that divorce is often given as an OPTION when serious issues such as marital infidelity and abuse are described. Divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but it IS permissible. Muslim women are often taught that they have to always be patient, that they have to accept the humiliation of their husband's affairs, that they have to accept abuse at his hands, that if they decide to divorce, that they are sinning and will never smell the fragrance of Paradise. They feel hopeless and think they have no options. Women have to be empowered to understand that Islam does not allow husbands to commit fornication - a crime for which the penalty is death! - that a husband does NOT have the right to physically, sexually, or emotionally abuse his wife, and that a husband is not supposed to be a tyrant in the house.

    Often, by the time a woman (or a man in many cases) writes in to us, the situation has gone on for many years and the woman has suffered great and ongoing harm. We can only answer according to the information provided to us. When a woman tells me that his husband has committed fornication with multiple partners, or that he has refused over the course of years to give his wife her rights to intimacy, or that he has infected her with a sexually transmitted disease (not in this instance, but in many of the questions I see), then my duty is to protect the woman. She has already tried to "fix" him and be the dutiful wife. She has to know that this is not her lifelong fate.

    I have not been writing for this website for an extended time, and I do not have a "throw the bum out" mentality when advising women on marital issues. I'm sure over time you will see inshAllah balanced nature of my approach. I will continue to advise women to turn to Allah in prayer and fasting, to honestly evaluate their relationships with their spouses, and if they feel that their Imaan will be damaged and their lives will continue to spiral downwards, I will counsel them to consider divorce among other options that exist if the situation warrants it. There will be those who disagree. You are welcome to also answer this sister and giver her what YOU feel is sound advice. I am not an 'alima or marriage counselor. We have room for many voices here, as long as the voices speak from the background of the Qur'an and Sunnah. So lay out your advice to her and inshAllah she will consider all our words, and come up with the answer that will help her live in a manner that is pleasing to Allah.

    fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah

    • I agree with Sister Noorah. Firman, I see your point, but as Noorah said, people don't usually write to us with mild cases saying, "My husband doesn't help with the chores, what should I do?" Generally their situations are far worse than that; in this case the situation was completely unacceptable by any Islamic or social standard, and had gone on for years. The husband is cheating on her, got another woman pregnant, and he is unrepentant. The woman has been deeply unhappy for years. No self-respecting woman should have to put up with this or remain in this situation.

  5. i notice sadly that most of your anwers to this women seeking help or advise is divorce.
    it's sad but do you have better answers??

    are you slow by any chance?

    if you read the last line which she wrote "Please can you advise me on where i stand, do i have any rights to ask for a divorce?" so in islam its permissble to seek divorce if she isnt gettin her rights. i just answered her question.

    everyone has there own opinions so you got no right telling me do i have better answer? you dont even have an answer nor do you even any sense, if you did you wouldnt reply to my answer.

  6. i have no intention in insulting anyone. but if someone writes "i notice sadly that most of your anwers to this women seeking help or advise is divorce.it's sad but do you have better answers??" obviously i will write somethin back.

    the sister who wrote the question wanted to know if she had the right for divorce, so i jus gave an answer i dont need other commenters to make remarks about my opinion. you dont find me makin remarks on other peoples opinion thats jus rude.

    peace................

  7. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    Abu Umamah al-Bahili reports: Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said:

    I guarantee a house in the lower portion of Jannah for whoever gives up arguing even if he is right, and a house in the middle of Jannah for whoever gives up lying even if he is joking, and a house for in the highest level of Jannah for whoever perfects their akhlaq. [Abu Dawood]

  8. assalammualaikum,
    thank you for your kind replies.i myself am a husband and i am new to islamic forums.
    hav many sins and trying to find the right path again.i chanced upon this site when i googled for ways to be a better husband to my wife and a better father to my kids.i am glad that people are leaving comments and opinions so people like me know that someone's listening.
    if you have other islamic sites to recommend pls let me know.thank you very much.
    firman

  9. Many thanks to all those for their responses. I would like to add that i did ask Sister Noorah about my rights for divorce, so therefore Sister Noorah is not taking the first option and creating an easy way out for me.

    My husband has cheated on me a number of times and has until recently done a very good job in hiding all his secrets. Now that the situation is worsening people are more willing to share his secrets with me, which is builing up as hatred now in my heart for him. He refuses to speak to me about what has happened and his next course of action. This is why i posted my question as i dont have anyone that i can share my thoughts with. Please can i also remind readers that this is my only place to be vocal and to ask about my situation as i am very limited to with whom i can discuss my problems with.

    I would like to thank you all for your kindness and ask that you all say a dua (long or short) that allah guides me in the right direction and gives me and my family the strength to cope with whatever happens in life. May i also wish you all the very best in everything that you do. Ameen.

  10. asalamu alaikum,

    sis jus to say if you got anythin on your mind which is bothering you and you want someone to hear you then then feel free to drop by any time we are one click away jus for you.

    sis you deserve to be loved and adored you dont need the drama, you have rights for divorce...........

    ma salama 🙂

  11. maturemind, In-Sha-Allah i pray that you get through this difficult time and come out a stronger person. I myself am going through a similar situation. I have been married for nine years and have two children. My husband used to beat me and that eventually stopped but what still hasn't stopped are his affairs, one night stands, clubbing, lads holidays etc. I work and provide for my family and also study because i want to do the best for my children with Allah''s guidance. My husband has always walked out on me and my children for months to live his partying lifestyle. Finally i have come to a place where i want to be, where i have no feelings at all left for my husband and no respect. I don't think i can ever respect him again and have had enough and put up with too much hoping that one day he would change but his behaviour has seriously had an impact on my children. My eldest is nearly 7 and has no respect for his dad and i have to constantly tell him that his dad loves him just as i do but every weekend he refuses to see his dad. I have been thinking about divorce for a while and finally i have applied for it. I know why i am doing this and i feel if i stay in this marriage then my children will surely suffer. I try hard to teach them about Islam but their father does not set them a good example. Divorce is always the very last resort and a very difficult decision to make. You are lucky in one sense that you do not have children with your husband because beleive me it would have tortured you emotionally. I seek strength from Allah and ask him to plan the best for me and us all and guide us on the rightous path, Ameen

  12. a.khan, please log in and write your question as a separate post.

  13. Hello Salaam
    I was once in a similar situation with my now ex-husband. We were married for approx. 10yrs, two kids together. During my time with him, i realized he never appreciate me, no matter how hard i tried. he was always cheating & partying, & i keep forgaving him for the kids sake, but then i found out he has another child outside the marriage. i was devasted. finally, i decided to move on, i am currently in the process of a divorce. In my opinion, men and woman have equal rights. Sometimes i will ask him so "how would you feel if i cheat" he always say it will not be good.
    Anyway, my advise to this sister is to get your self together, divorce him and move on.
    All the best to the future.
    was-sallaam

  14. I also have similar problems my husband was rarely home and abandoned me when i was pregnant with our second child constantly saying he would come home but did not , he will go away with no phome for weeks at a time and when i did get a ring tone it would be a foreign call unanswered and then the phone would be switched off. I am still in the marriage even though i can see no way forward i have had no emotional , spiritual or financial support off him , he says he wants us and loves us even though he has not seen the boys for over a year and a half and not seen the youngest only twice lastly when he was 4 months old. I also have lost all respect and love now it has had an awful effect on my oldest son who was previously close to his father and cant understand why he ignores him he rarely even asks to chat to him on the phone and asks why he is not like his friends in school who have dads that play soccer etc with them and love them , i dont know what to tell him i have never bad mouthed his father but he is getting to an age where he can see for himself , my husband wont give me a divorce i have asked and told him leaving a woman hanging is haram but he ignores me , lastly our 2nd son was planned and we tried for him its not like i decieved him in any way , any advice would be appreciated as i am so bogged down by this whole situation that i cannot think objectively anymore jazakallah Allahu khayran

  15. Assalam alaikum
    I had a strange problem with my father.

    (Comment deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

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