Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheating bisexual husband

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What to do about a cheating husband?

Asalamualaikum

I have been married with children for 16 years now. My marriage was arranged. My mother is not muslim and I wanted to stay in an Muslim environment so agreed to and arranged marriage. The first year my husband was nice to me. He did get a call from his girlfriend a few time once she found out he got married.

My husband did have a girl friend and dated and was sexually active before he married me. I Alhamdulillah even with my non muslim western mother have never been even touched by another man but him.

With every child we had he became more controlling and possessive which I thought as a form of love. But its gotten very extreme where sometimes he doesn't like me going out for grocery shopping. He thinks that I am so beautiful and someone could take me from him. I don't even look at other men and he knows that! He even thinks some of my female friends like me more than just friends.

He is never happy with my cooking how I raise the children or basically anything. Though I am a jack of all. Everyone loves my cooking and I get requests for certain things. So I am constantly trying to fix the way I cook and clean and deal with the kids. Everything has to be like he would like. I do try but only human. I am a perfectionist and criticism is something that I take to heart and it makes me unhappy. He constantly finds something to criticise.

The other think is the verbal cursing at me swearing at me and the kids. I get upset being yelled at and being called very bad words. He apologizes after but always does it again.

He even will swear at me in front of people at a party. calling me F words.

He has a much higher sex drive than me. I do not enjoy being yelled at and looking after kids all day doing house chores and then satisfying his needs. Tried talking to him that he makes me feel bad and I cant feel happy or desired after a few hours if he is mean to me. So his solution is apologizing and being nice just before he wants to have sex. If I don't feel like it he gets angry and keeps pushing and I give in. But he wants me to come to him happily.

Over the years he has developed some very kinky things he likes. I try my best even if I find it very hard. Its never enough for him. I offered him an hour every day just for his needs and I would try my best. Of course sometimes something comes up. Kids school or Ramadan but I was pretty good though it was exhausting for me.

Now I have found him on a cheating website a few years ago which broke my heart. After confronting him he insisted he was just curious and nothing ever happend. I found inappropriate texts over the years and finally found some evidence that he actually paid for sex. He also put up adds looking for men the details where very disturbing. he exchange nude pictures with men and times and meeting places.

I did confront him and he first denied it. After showing him evidence he claimed he never met a man it was just curiosity but the women for money he did. He apologized and he swore on his dads life he would never do anything like that again because he doesn't want to loose me.

I am much younger than him and a very attractive women. The women he paid for was one of his kinks he went for. How can he love me and cheat. He has no respect for me. He makes good money and we enjoy a good lifestyle I have never worked. Now I am having a hard time and don't want to have sex with him anymore. He keeps pushing me that's all he wants. Love for him is sex. He is not very religious but tries to tell me that even messengers of god have made mistakes. He is angry that I wont forgive him.

I don't know what to do. I decided to give him one more chance but found him putting another add looking for a sex with couples. I did find it and confront him again but he came up with so many lies and promised me he would be good now.

He will tell me all kinds of things like if I leave I would destroy the kids lives since they wont be have this lifestyle anymore and life in poverty. On the other hand he would stop working so he wont have to pay me child support or alimony. he would work under the table. He would need money to get a new wife or girl friend to support her.

then he will tell me I am his soulmate and he only loves me did the biggest mistake and will wait for me to forgive him. It a constant roller coaster now. I have lost trust and don't know what to do.

Nobody in my family likes him and they think I should not be with him because he treats me bad. They don't know about the cheating yet.

He will be nice for a 2 or 3 days and I think I can manage then blast again. I don't know what to do. My daughters are now telling me that they don't want to get married because all you get is a angry mean husband. Am I setting a bad example for my kids by putting up with this.

I did istekhara a few times but nothing is clear to me so far. I don't want to be in this situation anymore but that's all I know. I am so confused some days I just want to leave but he scares me. Please any advice would be appreciated

AishaJan.

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5 Responses »

  1. He sounds like an abusive nightmare, I would have been out ages ago. I'm suprised youve managed to stay this long, why aren't you running out of there?

  2. and yes you are setting a bad example to them if they said that it also means theyre unhappy and you are setting them a bad expectation for themselves, it also sounds like they want out.

  3. OP: My husband did have a girl friend and dated and was sexually active before he married me. I Alhamdulillah even with my non muslim western mother have never been even touched by another man but him.........He even will swear at me in front of people at a party. calling me F words.......found some evidence that he actually paid for sex. He also put up adds looking for men the details where very disturbing. he exchange nude pictures with men and times and meeting places.........I don't know what to do. I decided to give him one more chance but found him putting another ad looking for a sex with couples.

    and it was an arranged marriage. If your husband is having sex with couples and men, he may get AIDS or other STD. You should tell his sexual behavior/habits to your family.

    What made you and your family choose him as your husband in the first place?

  4. Dear Sister

    Leave your husband now, enough is enough he's not for you. I am sure he's playing mind tricks and games as you mentioned to make you stay just leave him. Take the kids and go but before you do take all the data and information you have on him once you divorced so you have proof. He has to be child support monthly no is not an option. As for the sisters who mentioned AIDS I was thinking the same thing or any sexually transmitted disease. Once you got your proof on file leave him as soon as possible you don't need that negative low life in your life excuse me for saying this. Also I know sisters who got married with 3-5 children to wonderful men who were even ever married before or some woman who get divorced get better choices or choose to not we'd again. What ever choice you make its the best choice to leave for your sanity and your children's. Best of luck inshallah Kheir sister.

    Brother Isaac

  5. Make voice recordings of her emotional abuse, his confessions of cheating, and his threats. Make recordings, take screenshots of any wrong message, ad from him. Keep a copy of all supporting date and NEVER tell him you have these proofs. Even when angry, dont tell him.
    Then take everything and talk to a lawyer. Your family is supporting you AlhamdoLillah. You and your children will be fine, it will be a struggle but better than being with a disgusting cheating man who is having physical relations with disgusting people. Istaghfarullah. What if God forbid he brings some nasty disease in your home? What if God forbid your kids grown up and do some mistake saying their father also did so and so. SHOW your children THIS type of disgusting behavior is NOT acceptable.
    YOU deserve better ... your children deserve better

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