Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheating Husband and Cheating Wife

web of tears

Salaam Brothers and Sisters,

Sorry in advance for the very long post but I'm desperate.

My husband and I got married 7 years ago in love marriage. It was my second marriage and his first. My first marriage ended with my sister and I running away with my husband - this was when I was aged 18years old. So I was hurt from the beginning and had trust issues. Also when I was 7years old I was abused by my step uncle.

Since being married to my present husband of 7years I was happy as I really loved him, although he started ignoring me and was involved in the wrong crowd, clubbing etc and I was even aware of a situation where a girl was involved this was before marriage but I didn't get the full details out of him, just lies, so I decided to let it go and start fresh. The first year of marriage was ok, then he started ignoring me again, going out all the time I would come home from work and he would be getting ready to go out, everyday till late and sometimes till early hours of the morning. This continued for a while at least a year. Then my mum passed away and a few days later I saw a girl texting him on his phone, again he denied it and blamed it on a friend, I knew it was lies, how could he hurt me at such a difficult time but I couldn't prove it so I ignored it and carried on (I was on anti depressants at the time due to my mums death but he didn't care). Then I fell pregnant and when I was 7months pregnant I discovered he was involved with a girl online from dating site and exchanged inappropriate messages and photos, but they never met as she lived in another country. He admitted it only when I had the girl on the phone. I was broken but I still tried to carry on as I was scared and vulnerable at 7months pregnant and already divorced once and I still loved him. We carried on having small arguments etc and exactly one year later he was acting strange again and I knew he was upto no good as it wasn't the first time. This time he hired a car secretly and completely vanished for 3days, while me and my 8month old daughter were sitting at home alone in such distress, I called around as I was genuinely concerned for his safety. He answered his friends call and told him to tell me he will be home the following day. I was still confused and hurting, why didn't he say where he was, I was still trusting him. When he did turn up on day 3, he said he was alone all weekend but I saw a girl text him and I dialed the number without him realising, when she answered she was shocked to hear he has a wife and child and she confirmed they were together all weekend at a hotel, he also met her on a dating site and they had sex together. I just felt like dying, bit by bit he had continued to damage my heart. If this wasn't enough that girl had made false accusations against me to the police and I spent a whole day in a police station cell, obviously I wasn't charged but it was equally traumatic and my daughter was at home with a friend. I was still battling depression this whole time. He kept apologising etc and I carried on once again, although he did make a lot of changes this time.

Approx 2 years after all this I saw some dating site on his phone's web history, I asked him and he said that was there from 2years ago, this time I couldn't let myself go through all that hurt AGAIN, I was angry with myself as I still loved him. But I decided I couldn't carry on with him anymore purely put of fear of history repeating itself, we continued to live together as he had nowhere else to go. Out of anger and hurt I made a fake account on a dating website that was my first biggest mistake. If I didn't do that I wouldn't be in such a mess now. I met someone online, initially I just made this account on the dating site just without giving it much though, then I met this man, he was Muslim, seperated from his wife (I later found out he wasn't separated when he first started speaking to me, he separated after we started speaking, he also had a son from his marriage which he did tell me about) and he was looking for marriage and not haram relationship (for some reason I thought that I must remarry for security rather than stay alone with my daughter and be vulnerable). I fell into the trap of sin, I met this man 3 times obviously I didn't tell my husband anything at this stage, he showed how practicing he was, you know the usual to lure girls in. This carried on for about 6 weeks and all the while my husband was begging me to give him another chance and even though I wanted to and I loved him I was saying hurtful things to him just to make him feel how is been feeling on many occausons, the shaitan would not let my ego go, I carried on treating my husband like I couldn't stand him and all he'd done to me. I used to cry at night for the way I was being with him but I feared if I give into him he would hurt me again, I even forced him to write me a divorce Astaghfrullah. My heart was softening for my husband, after all I did love him but I would tell him I didn't love him just to hurt him. I was praying to Allah for guidance and I knew speaking to the other guy was turning into a haram relationship and I was being put off the other guy, in my heart I didn't want any other man I just wanted my husband to love me the way I loved him but I didn't think that was possible.

Then one day my husband and I were speaking about taking time apart, so I went away for one night even though I didn't want to 100% but I still did so I take responsibility for it. (Just to be clear I certainly wasn't looking for a physical relationship, I enjoyed talking to this man it was a psychological thing I liked talking to someone as I'd been hurt so much it felt good to talk to someone). I stayed the night in the same town as the other guy, I told him I was staying there for some work commitment so he doesn't get the wrong idea, he asked me to stay at his house but I refused and checked into a hotel. I saw him that evening and he dropped me to the hotel and came up for some plasters as he had some wound on his arm, I let him come up, (another major mistake) and when I asked him to leave, he tried to get physical, I refused and he ended up raping me and I froze, I was too scared to make a fuss, I was scared my husband would find out.

I know what alot of people are thinking, I deserved it. Again I had a man I infront of me begging me for forgivness and threatened to harm me and my daughter if I told anyone, and he would deny rape and say I was willing, and he told me he would tell my family that I'm a bad girl of loose character, but if I stay quiet he will still marry me, so I felt I had no way out of this situation that I had actually created for myself, I thought I had no option in life but to marry this man. I came back to Allah and started practicing, repenting from the heart and wearing hijab, I performed istikhara, salat ul tauba, any type of ibadah I knew. That man and I were hardly speaking and after a few days that man told me he was getting back with his wife. And I was so relieved but I was so scared and confused and full of guilt. I was angry that he didn't speak about the rape he just acted like its a simple relationship that's ending.

I did tell my husband that even though I only wanted him, I couldn't be with him as it wouldn't be fair on him especially after what had happened with me. I told him I met someone but I initially didn't tell him about the rape, my husband said he will overlook it if we could just try and reconcile. I kept telling him it's too difficult but he was begging continuesly so I agreed as I all along wanted him to want me and love me how I loved him for years and I was just trying to hurt him and move on.

Now my husband and I were back together again and happy but I was still silently trying to deal with the rape. My husband was still after details as he knew I was lying and hiding things, he contacted that man and that man told my husband that we slept together and he wasn't interested in me anyway because he knew I was of bad character etc and filled so many lies and exaggerations in my husbands mind. But I had never done anything like this before, and I didn't willingly sleep with him, he was just trying to turn my husband against me incase I mentioned the rape. Unfortunately my husband believes that man over me.

I mean I know I did so wrong in so many ways but it kills me that my husband believes a rapist over me.

My husband and I are still together but he keeps saying he will find someone else and move out when he has his finances sorted. He's only here till then. I have begged for forgiveness firstly from Allah I feel ashamed everytime I stand in Salah but I still beg Allah to forgive me and I've made major changes, I never used to practice or even pray but now I'm a different person. I always thought I wouldn't get caught up in haram acts and be misled like that with the shaitan but I was too wrong. I am reporting the man to the police I didn't do it sooner because I couldn't bring myself to talk about the rape. I have spoken to my doctor and am having counselling for the trauma.

My husband is treating me very cold since all this happened 7months ago, the only times he's not cold with me is when we are intimate, but straight after he hates me again and says he can never forgive me. He taunts me often about everything I done to him and doesn't believe me that I loved him all long. He thinks he's just a rebound for me. But Allah knows he's not, if I didn't love him I would have found someone else sooner. I forgave so many mistakes of my husbands and carried on but says he can't forgive me as it's different for a man and a woman. My husband says what I have done is worse than what he done to me all incidents put together.

Now I am 5weeks pregnant with my husbands baby and he says he doesn't want it, and if I keep it he doesn't want anything to do with it. I have recently found my connection with Allah and I have truly repented my heart doesn't allow me to commit another major sin as if it's nothing. I can't go against my Allah and His Law again.

I have performed istikhara and fell pregnant after istikhara but still the situation at home is the same.

I don't blame my husband for hating me but I sometimes think my husband does love me a little as he's still with me till he can move on or is he just using me till he can find somewhere else to live? I don't know what to think. All I know is I want my Rabb to forgive me and I want to do everything to please Allah.

What should I do? Please help.


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19 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    There is absolutely no one that can say with 100% certainty that Allah swt will not forgive you. Only and ONLY Allah swt can decide whether to forgive you or not based on your sincere repentance, so please leave that decision to Him. So keep asking Allah swt for forgiveness and let your pain be guidance for you.

    I believe the root of your problem goes way way way back. You were abused as a child and anyone who has been abused or worked with victims of sexual abuse will understand how your reality gets distorted and how you start to seek the wrong things just to feel right. After this even, while you were still not healing or even seeking to be healed, you married your husband--who was of questionable character. You, lacking good judgement probably due to your age and previous trust issues, let a whole lot of things go in your marriage which a normal person would not. This led to your bad decision of finding a way of escaping your pain in your marriage by finding another man and then trusting that man and resulting in your rape. It is pointless to start a discussion of whether the rape can be blamed on you or the man--Allah swt will judge this matter--you, however, need to get help now.

    Please Sister, go and see a counsellor for the abuse in your childhood and sort out those feelings and rediscover the true perception that you now need as a mother. Your husband also needs to go and see a counsellor--and if he doesn't make any effort to change for the better -- it is time to tell him the following:
    Tell him
    1) You need counselling and you need to heal.
    2) That you will work on a marriage, but first need to work on yourself.
    3) That your relationship with Allah swt is severely in trouble and that you need to work on fixing this.

    It was really disturbing to read that after he himself had an extramarital affair, he hunted down the man that you were raped by--Of course, your actions while you were married were wrong, but I can't help but think this is an excuse for him to feel better about leaving you eventually without feeling guilty. It is like he can walk away from the marriage, excuse himself from his errors and say "Well, she deserved it." I will tell you Sister, Allah swt's Mercy is great--and Allah swt is Just. And though, I crave for Allah swt's Justice, I also fear it because if each and everyone of us got what we deserved, we would probably not be happy--instead, I pray that we receive Allah's Mercy more than receiving His Justice.

    I suggest that you keep the baby even though your husband says he does not want it. Your husband isn't ready to face the consequences of his actions--but it seems that you are--so you will have to make some very difficult decisions.

    Repeatedly ask Allah swt to forgive you.
    Goto counselling.
    Find strength inside of your soul again for yourself FIRST and for your daughter and your child on the way.
    Do not accept ill treatment from him - as you have a children to think of. Personally, I think this marriage not only brought you a lot of heartache but also didn't provide you protection -- before you acted out, there were issues there and after you acted out, he is finding a way to excuse his behaviour. How on earth can someone else's sins relieve us from ours?

    Ask Allah swt for guidance and don't ever let someone tell you that it is over for you. If you acknowledge your grave sins, cry over them, seek to correct yourself and never repeat these errors and based on this, If Allah swt forgives you--not a single soul can change that. Be steadfast now -- now that you know better, do better and inn shaa Allah, better days will come.

    If your husband is not willing to give this marriage a chance or give counselling a try - you must ask yourself if the pain is worth it. You can act out of guilt and take the entire responsibility of this situation upon your shoulders, but that won't change reality. What is very telling is that your husband supports you having an abortion--for him, his ego is above all things. Choose to seek refuge in Allah swt, not refuge in a man who would let a baby die. Your coming days are going to be difficult, and I pray for you and your children--May Allah swt enlighten you with wisdom, forgive your sins and help you to raise pious children, Ameen.

  2. OP: I fell into the trap of sin, I met this man 3 times obviously I didn't tell my husband anything at this stage, he showed how practicing he was, you know the usual to lure girls in. This carried on for about 6 weeks ..........Then one day my husband and I were speaking about taking time apart, so I went away for one night....... I stayed the night in the same town as the other guy, I told him I was staying there for some work commitment so he doesn't get the wrong idea, he asked me to stay at his house but I refused and checked into a hotel. I saw him that evening and he dropped me to the hotel and came up for some plasters as he had some wound on his arm, I let him come up, (another major mistake) and when I asked him to leave, he tried to get physical, I refused and he ended up raping me and I froze, I was too scared to make a fuss, I was scared my husband would find out.

    Why did you even tell the guy that you were staying alone in a hotel in his town?

    • Yes, let's just go over that part over and over again even though she admits it was a mistake...she writes:

      "I know what alot of people are thinking, I deserved it."

      SVS, I wish I was surprised that you would focus on this part--but I'm not. I wish you had surprised us by perhaps offering some useful advice on what she should do now since none us own a time machine.

      • All SVS ever does, from what I've seen, is ask more and more pointless questions about the post instead of giving a helpful response.

      • I think a Muslim should try to help another Muslim.
        And if he is not able to do any help.
        Then He/She should only pray for that person.

        If A Person says they have made a mistake.
        It's not a good idea, to spotlight it, and dig deeper.
        it is not nice, to question their past actions.
        This does not help with the healing process.

        Help them bear their burden, and give advice for them to overcome them.
        We should light a path for them to follow.

        I shall pray for MuslimWife1111

        And i would suggest seek professional help such as marriage counselling and to see a psychiatrist.

  3. Assalamualaikum Sister

    May Allah swt forgive you, make you strong and increase ur emaan and taqwa.
    Do not fed up and if u had repented sincerly allah swt will forgive you inshallah.
    Please pray all your salath and tahajudd and repent to allah swt and do not give up hope, may be this is the way to bring you back closer to him.

    "I feel ashamed everytime I stand in Salah" this shows how strong your emaan is, recognizing sin and feeling ashamed of sin is blessing with in itself and first sign of forgiveness. Most people wont even get tawfeeq from allah to recognize sin as sin.
    If i was you had done same think to make him jealous, instead of talking to a person i would have just threaten him to do same as he is doing and make him feel. 2 wrong cant make it right, but wht u had done is done and allah will forgive you. And you know story of a man who killed 99 people

    Think of this below verse from Quran
    And those who invoke not any other ilâh (god) along with Allâh, nor kill such person as Allâh has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse - and whoever does this shall receive the punishment[] (68) The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; (69) Except those who repent and believe (in Islâmic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds, for those, Allâh will change their sins into good deeds, and Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful[] (70)
    Quran Al-furqaan(25:68-70)

    What kind of person he is who is telling you to do abortion, i think he is not worth to be ur husband or anyone husband. Your husband do not seems to be a good guy but everyone has shortcoming and increase/ decrease in level of emaan. But you can help him amd make a better persona by showing your own level of emaan and character.

    If you love him and u want him around you thn I would suggest you to get as much as closer to allah swt and he is one who is going to protect you and make your life easy(one way is doing hijab). Make your home, a home of peace and blessing, read Quran and hadith while he is around even if he is not listening(eventually one day he will listen), and try to make him evolve by discussing hadith, quran and islamic history, involve him talk to him, even if he dont want to talk to, after all we all gets trap in fitna around us and our own nafs.
    Go to masjid try to pray 1-2 salah if you can and make friends with other pious muslim womens, so that you can have good company and can get moral support as well.

    I am sorry if i offended you.
    Jazakallah Khairn

  4. Your husband is manipulating you. So you have made a mistake, just once in your marriage and that was after your husbands neglect and bad behaviour towards you. I'm not saying what you did was right but it most likely happened because you were looking for love and care that you were not receiving from your husband. Your human, you made a mistake, you feel remorse and recognise the sin which is a blessing in itself. You have apologised to your husband yet he has now used this one thing you have done wrong to cover up for his many mistakes throughout the marriage. Before he judges you how about he takes a good look at himself and tries to see where he has gone wrong. The multiple times he has cheated on you, lied to you, wants you to abort the baby etc etc - this is all sinful behaviour. He has no right to place the blame on you and make you feel bad for something without accepting his own flaws. This mess wouldn't have happened if he was a decent and responsible husband!

    Also, you did not sleep with this man willingly, he raped you. Of course you should never have established any communication with him in the first place but what's done is done. You are repenting. But now your husband has a responsibility towards you, in providing you support to overcome this difficult situation rather than making you feel worse. And no it isn't different for a man or a woman. If trust is broken in a marriage it's equally painful for a husband or a wife, it's just that in most circumstances women will forgive because they are more emotional just like you have forgiven his multiple affairs, whilst he finds excuses to blame you.

    Forget what your husband thinks of you. Don't let him emotionally torture you by placing the blame on you. Focus on yourself. Get the police involved like you have and seek out counselling to help overcome this trauma. Turn to Allah and repent to him. But don't self blame, when you feel yourself slipping in that direction distract yourself. You are not the only one to be blamed for this mess, your husband has played an even bigger part in it.

    May Allah swt help you overcome this difficult situation and guide both you and your husband and fulfil your marriage with emaan and happiness, ameen.

    • Assalamualaikum
      @Bucks: very well said

      Sister you deserve way better than him, you are in this situation because allah swt put you in this situation through him. He doesn't deserve your support, money, love and caring after all this. But you helping him out. Be strong and i think you should talk to him and he must take in charge of house as a man. If he is not finical strong then push him to earn find better job and take responsibility. Make him busy so that he wont think to getting into wrong path. And if he leave you sooner or later then he is irresponsible person and you dont deserve him, he is not your worth. Its better to face reality now rather than few more years. You are always very soft on him frm very beginning, if you had took strong action on him whn he was chatting online thn he wouldn't got with that girl and you wouldn't end up in lock up. But as said what is done is done now be strong and take some bitter action.

      Be strong, and make your self busy to increase your emaan and taqwa. Think more about your children's. if you want him around you then show more sign of strong women thn week one.

      I am sorry if i offended you.
      Jazakallah Khairn

  5. Dear.. you are a victim of an abuser husband , Ibelieve that your husband is with Narcissistic personality Disorder, (ndp) please do your self a favour and read about it, it will help you alot to get over him and build a new healthy life that you deserve.
    Yes you made a mistake but don't you ever think that your sins ate bigger that Allah's mercy. He is the merciful and he created us weak and the biggest jihad is jihad alnafs , you will be forgiven by allah but you need to heal ur wounds first to make sure not to fall for an temptation later.
    leave your husband he doesn't deserve you and please read about.
    1. Npd criteria ( to make sure he is one)
    2. Npd for Sam vankins
    3. How to be assertive
    4. How to forgive your self.

    If he is NPD then u need to run... If you need help I'm willing to fo.
    best of luck and may Allah give you the strength to carry on.

  6. Yes you made mistakes.So did he.You are repenting.Allah's mercy is greater than in wrath.No one can tell you this the end.You can't change your past but you have the POWER to change your future.What you need right now is a break from all this and just bow down infront of your Creater.Ask yourself only one thing aren't we all equal infront of Allah? How is it different? Sin is a Sin,wether comitted my a male or female.Are you ready to let in continue choose his ego over you? Again and again and again? But if you really really want to make this work out.I'll tell you one thing,not everything is meant to be but have faith in Allah a strong one.Tell your husband you you are sorry and you will wait for him.Obviously this man is hurt and he said the followings things that he will find someone else etc etc.This is dunya is supposed to crush you sister.Its a test.Jannah is waiting for you if you are patient now.Trust Allah's plan.But right now let your husband go.He will find a way back if Allah wills.Tell him you will always love him and you will wait for him.That's how it will be, I won't say not to forgive your husband.When a person turns to Allah,Allah forgives even the worse sins even if the sins reach upto the sky.So who are we? But both of you need to work on your shortcomings.Not everything can be perfect.But somewhere I feel your husband still loves you.I hope your duas will be answered.ONE THING I KNOW is when two people want to have happy married life,they should love each other for the sake of Allah.Idk if your husband practices or not.Guide him,if he is not.Because you will never have to worry then if he fears Allah,he will nevet hurt you.But the question is are you both meant to be,in the book of fate written by Allah. Allah knows the best.May all your halal dreams come true.Ameen

    • One more thing I am asking you to unite with you husband again is for your children.Coming from a family where my parents fight everyday has damaged me and my siblings..I'll tell you one thing you have to either stay mmaried or opt for divorce.Its either marriage or divorce there is nothing in between Asalamulaikum sister.

  7. Asslam-o-ailkum all, I have a situation in my marriage and need some advice/ help.

    • Wa alaykum as-salam. I'm sorry brother, but you'll have to register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. I did read your post and I think no one can advise you. Some people (myself included) will say that you can never trust this woman again and that the pain of what she did will always be a cause of strife in your marriage, and that therefore you should divorce her and consider yourself fortunate that you have no children together. A minority might say that you should forgive her. It's an entirely personal decision that you must make.

      Wael Editor

  8. Assalam alaikum,
    Sister that persons who you loved so much and keep feeling sorry is the root of all those problems get out of that marrige the moment things go your way cause believe me your hunsban will put in the grave very soon. He is not well upstairs

  9. Dear Editors ,

    How you verify whether these are real events or some imaginary stories and fake ?

    • Assalaamualaikam

      It's not our place to play detective or demand evidence. We publish questions we receive, and provide advice based on the information provided. Sometimes, people can find themselves in situations they never believed possible, or people may use sites such as this to ask for help when they have no evidence other than their own experiences and so may feel unable to approach authorities or confront people. Also, as we have an extensive archive of published posts, any advice given can inshaAllah help other people in similar situations.

      Most interactions with other people depend on a degree of trust. If you visit your doctor and tell them you have a pain somewhere, the doctor will need to place some trust in your account of the pain in order to begin helping you. People making a business deal need to have trust that the other parties will fulfil the contract. Likewise, when someone submits a post asking for help, let's place some trust in them and do our best to offer advice.

      Midnightmoon editor

  10. "Let he who be without sin, cast the first stone. Woman, is there no one to accuse You, then go in peace and sin no more. Your sins are forgiven." Isa showed wisdom in how he confronted the accusers of the adulterous woman. Isa did not forgive her sins. Isa knew Allah's law. Isa knew that if she sincerely repented Allah would forgive. Being Allah's prophet Isa already knew that she was sincere and Allah would forgive her. Your husband is not Allah. Only Allah can way our sins on the scales of judgement. If your husband refuses to forgive you, it is because he cannot forgive himself. If we cannot forgive ourselves it is because we cannot bare to see our own sins. Allah only forgives the repentant. Have an Imam tell You husband to repent of his own sins. He is what Isa calls a hypocrite. All praise to Allah and I pray that Allah will bend Your husband's heart and that the two of You will be made whole. 2 yrs ago I cheated on my wife. Allah blest me with a woman I do not deserve. She forgave my numerous failings, and we have worked our way through it with the love and forgivness of Allah, praise be His name. I believe Allah can make miracles out of any of our mistakes, failings, or attitudes. Keep the child and pray to Allah to bend his heart. May the love and peace of Allah be upon You and Your family.

  11. Jazakallah khair for all your responses. I stayed with him and had the baby. I continued to pray and observe sabr in a loveless, cold, hurtful marriage. But as I have found myself stronger in iman and in myself as a person I feel he has gone the opposite direction. I won't say about what he's doing now or expose his sins further but basically I knw for sure I shouldn't be around this person anymore and need to have my kids adapt life away from him too. 3years on since my sins and nothing got better with my husband. Now I feel like I don't even want him anymore, he's really not what I thought or hoped he could be. I'm taking my girls and leaving him and moving abroad. It will be difficult but I'm done here. There's no getting through to him and I can't trust him at all. Please can I request everyone reading to make sincere dua for me and my innocent girls aged 5years and 1year.
    Jazakallah khair

  12. Men are so weird . Saying that, I hope you find peace in your life.. it's not your fault you trusted that man, it's that rapist fault ( no wonder his wife left him)..
    again, I pray to Allah that you find peace.. please, stay strong for your own self and for your kids.. try to speak about it to experts .. love , from your sister in Islam .

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