Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband cheats and abuses me, I am depressed and confused. What are my options?

husband is having an affair


I am desperately looking for help; have been married for 8 years and have three gorgoeus boys. My marriage is a disaster, husband has cheated on me many times has hit me, his bro and his wife live with us. We don't get on and have told my husband I want to live separate from them as his bro has also tried to hit. We have recently moved cities and now I am all alone with no family here but husbands relatives are all here.

Basically, I wasn't happy about the move and said to my husband I do not want to go with you as I no longer want to live with your bro and his wife. He promised me he will separate them within a month and now he has decided that they are not going anywhere. He's at work from 9am to 7pm, comes home around half 7 or 8 eats showers and goes out again on his only day off same thing gets up showers eats and disappears for the day. I have told him he is being really unfair, I moved here to be with him but I don't see him the children hardly see him.

He ignores me, verbally abuses me; I don't know what to do we have seperated many times due to his affairs in the past. He's no doubt doing it again hence why he doesn't need the emotional connection with me. My family used to help me and told me many times not to go back to him as he is influenced by his parents who tell him being nice to ur wife means you are under her thumb. I kept going back to him they no longer help me, I don't want to leave him but what other option do I have? I am very depressed and need help.

Unhappy Muslimah.

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14 Responses »

  1. Assalam o alykum wr wb , Praises to Allah swt who gave you the wisdom to beseech islamic knowledge to your problem subhanallah

    First and Foremost this kind of issue do broach because of seeking an un Islamic husband or bride. (mostly Husband) because the guy who deosnt love his deen and dont give it as priority how do u expect him to fulfill wife's right though he didn't even know what are the rights?
    I would ask you to engage yourself more in reading Qur'an with translation .This will surely revive you

    I will be very concise sister BRING A LEARNED SCHOLAR AND INFORM HIM ABOUT THIS ISSUE if you dont find and neutral elders either from his or your family becasue the first step is to patch up .

    Well now to brick this situation U HAVE TO INVOLVE SOMEONE AND SPEAK CEARLY TO YOUR HUSBAND THAT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH Have trust in Allah swt and take action according to Qur'an and sunnah .

    Even you can follow the steps prescribed in Quran if the husband/wife do not behave properly .

    1) dont share your bed with him
    2) dont speak to him only when required
    and as i said bring some elder learned mediator person who will call forth elders from both end and resolve this issue because most of the problem arises and flourish due to hiding

  2. Dear Sister,

    The question is, how much more are you willing to take? Your husband sleeps around behind your back and then comes to your bed. Are you willing to risk him transmitting a sexual disease to you? What about your sons? Their future living in such a situation? Did you say even your brother in law tried to hit you? I am livid at the very thought! How dare he raise his hand to you and how dare your husband not speak up on your behalf...coward.

    You need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself just how much more of yourself are you willing to sacrifice?! You are no ones doormat are a human being who is slowly being stripped of her dignity! I am a very forgiving person alhumdillilah but if my husband would lie with another woman...ever...we are finished...period. For your husband to cheat on you multiple times and you take him back, he knows he can and will get away with it and you aren't going to do a thing about it.

    I pray that you think long and hard about your life, your sons and how you plan to continue to live in such deplorable conditions. You should think higher of yourself and you should definitely consider contacting your family for help. You need to listen to them and heed their advice cause if you think things are miserable now, it doesn't look like things are going to get better any time soon.

    Best of luck to you...Salam

    • Asalamoalikum Sister,

      I highly suggest that you ponder over Sister Najah's advice. She's giving you a big reality check and there is no point being married to someone who considers you nothing but his maid and a nanny for his children.

  3. Salamu'alaiki

    Sister, I would first read the following Aayah from Surah al Hijr where Ibrahim Alaihis Salam said to the Angels: "And who despairs of the Mercy of his Lord except those who are astray?"
    So, do not despair. Hope from Allah, that He Will bring you out of this. Repent to Allah as much as possible for the sins you might have committed.

    Secondly, your stay with your husband's brother is totally un-Islamic. He is one of your non Mahrams. And Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade non-mahrams (unrelated men) to enter upon women. He said: "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).

    Hence, you should do what you can, to convince your husband to live seperately. When this happens, you'll have the privacy, make use of every moment of this and turn your charms on. You have all that a man wants. Do what you can, to turn him to you and thus, increase the love among yourselves.

    Make the house Islamic, doing all the prayers on time, supplicating the name of Allah at all times, and so on.

    Thirdly, your husband is wrong for not giving you the time you deserve. You should probably talk to his parents and your parents to discuss the matter, if talking to him directly isn't working. They should advise him and ask him to give you what you deserve.

    This is something I believe. May Allah forgive you and give you tranquility of the heart. May Allah Guide your husband to the correct path and give you both an Islamic Life.
    Muhammad Waseem

  4. Sister
    U have 3 boys and if u leave him you r separating them with their father.
    Don't force a man anything that's a sure way to make do the opposite
    Be a smart woman, make your home a happy place to come to, a beautiful wife, clean house, good food, the man works all day but doesn't want o stay home becoz he doesn't enjoy the house, it's yr duty if ur a stay home mum to make sure it's a pleaing environment for a man to come to after a long day and try not o show him ur annoyed and try to change first if u want him changing
    Good luck, inshallah be grateful for what u have, there some women who have to work all day and all night o look after their kids becoz the man never works or never came back home and went off to another country, another woman another house, be grateful say ALHAMDULILAH

  5. Don't listen to sisters who encourage u to leave him, they won't come round to help u with three kids after he's gone, another woman will gladly take him in, be wise, be smart, he's yr husband, he's the father of yr kids, change yourself and see the transformations

    Astaghfirullah to sisters who encourage u to leave, they probably not knw wat their own husbands r doing
    Men have to be treated a certain way in order to change the mus be treated a certain way not by tears or force, but by logic, patience and smartness
    Inshallah Alah guide u Amin

  6. @Khadeejah and Br. Muhammad. Shukran I needed this. As my husband neglects me. He told me he doesn't love me, we don't talk, were not friends and have no relationship. Were cordial but there is no closeness. I am extremely financially independent and I feel like I do a lot for him but he is ungrateful. I'm not sure what else I could do to make it nice for him. He likes to stay in the home and pays me little attention. I want to turn this relationship around and have him desire me again.

    • Sister, I pray that Allah makes it happen. You can do it. And Allah does not leave His servants helpless. He will Help you, insha Allah. Do whatever your can, and insha Allah, the rest will be done by Allah.

  7. Alhamdla it's cordial and not insulting.
    If he doesn't love you then it's either becoz
    1.He's not attracted to you
    2. Hes in love with another
    3. He's taking you for granted
    For all the above u can turn it around, read below

    If you love him stay,,,,&work on it, patience, wil bring fruits in time,& by your actions ie u must change some things ie to the point that he notices u ie do not go after him but eg if ur the cook get the meals don as usual but better prepared but act as if its an ordinary meal
    Retire with a reading book or sewing stuff or busy arranging the cupboards and clothes, do not follow him or sit under him, basically ignore him in a clever manner by paying attention to everything except him, yet when he speaks act normally as if nothings changed
    Change your appearance ie, in the home do yr hair different, wear attractive clothing, but pretend as if nothings changed, rember its v imp to always look sexy for men r v visual creatures n believe me when thy r out thy se attractve women so mk sure when thy r hom ur attractive in looks & manners & house, to sum it up in not so good words outside act like a nun but inside like a slut ( hop u get me)
    smile with yr kids be cheerful ignore him in a certain way acknowledge his presence but busy yself.
    Whatever u do, don't tell him all yr feelings
    Men Hav no tm for emotions, thy get attracted to women who look like women but can speak as men ( without emotional baggage, ie gossipping, moaning, complaining etc )
    Sister remember there is no perfect man out there & grass always looks greener on the other side
    But one thing for sur as long as ur in a safe environment & as long as he comes home to his kids try your best not to count yr losses, rather yr blessings, if he comes home u have yr man & kids Hav their dad don't let them lose their dad no other man will tk his place, even if u found one who loved u crazy,,,,he wudnt love them as their father oe in a trillion! but if he lov u but ignore yr kids,, u wudnt b content,,, maybe if u had no kids or wer younger then I cud advice u differently, but when kids r involved it's a totally diff acceptance
    Also Rembr som men don't sho emotions and som say they don't love u becoz maybe thy don't ilk how u act or how u do the home or how u raise the kids or how u talk or how u dress or how u treat his family or how ur in bed or how u act when angry or when happy etc
    Whatever it is ur a woman u have the ability to analyze & make a plan to work upon to improve yr situation
    If it's for yr husband, for the father of yr loving adorable kids, if it's to walk an extra mile then so be it walk on day by week, by month by years strive to be better & inshallah thru yr positive change there is no doubt he will notice and he will inshaallah change but don't expect miracles just be content for every marriage has ups and downs ESP if Satan is always working to separate man & wife since Adam, Satan is our sworn enemy don't allow him to whisper evil thoughts in yr marriage and break your hom ad he did to our father Adam
    May Allah guide u in wisdom & patience, May your home stand strong in good times and bad times, may your sons grow up with their father & mother beside them Ameen

    • @Khadijah. Shukran, sister you brought tears to my eyes with your wisdom and sincere advice. You speak the truth. There is much I can learn from you. May I have your email or contact info?

    • I am having a hardtime and not sure what o do. He came home at 2am whn he got off at 11. He works an hour away so should have been home by 12. But said he had to stay late and then went tot he gym. I called the gym and they said he had not been there.

      i asked him about it and hes like this crazy, and he dont hve time to deal with this. and said if i dont trust him then i have some things to figure out and decide what im going to do and he said he will do the same. I was hoping we'd discuss why idont tust him and what we can do. He says I just want to control him. He says I should just trust him. But hes broen that trust. Hes like thats my issue to figure out not his.
      I really dont know what to do, hes givngme nothingt go on.

  8. By the way regarding the in law situation yes it's tru , islamically u shud not live with bro in law but it's yr husband getting the sin fr puttin u in that position.
    Work on first to better yr relationship then inshallah u will gradually convince him to separate u,
    Rembr not to look at the glass half empty but rather half full
    Take one day at a time, concentrate on yr deen requirement ie salaat, on yr kids help homework and buy books for them to learn at home so that thy can be smart in school, Islamic education, teach them at home too, teach yr kids daily n u will have something to concentrate that will stop u stressing on things that can't be improved straight away but hopefully eventually
    Try not to chat with yr bro in law unless necessary minimal talks, but if he speaks to u don't igno him answer politely
    Also don't worry what yr husbands in laws tell him that's got nothing to do wth u even if they talk abt u that's their son if ur v smart sho him u lov his parents even if u don't, and don sho him ur always talking to yr parents even if ur, ofcoz u must lov yr parents but sho him u lov his, a wife had many duties in Islam and ti be pleading to a husband is one duty, just coz he doz u wrong doznt mean u shud do him wrong 2 wrongs won't make it right
    Be polite in speech, b friendly, b more of a listener until u win yr husband over then u can be a speaker
    May Allah Guide us all Amin

  9. ignore him...dont care him at a woman and wife not a mom for him....i am sure u doing everything for him, if he says smile u smile...

    dont share ur bed with like he is not there like he never eat good food...take care of ur nice to ur islam a woman is a princess so be one...take care of ur kidss...but dont be all the time like busy a sexy woman...put nail polish on ur feets, nails, and wear make clean no matter what time he comes...if he comes late open the door and dont let him feel like u were waiting for him... do it during one month and see if anything changed...
    if he comes to u dont give him anything be like him cold hearted...say i dont want u dont need him...after two weeks he will be asking u if u love him or not...

    • @hadija. this is true he says smile i smile. i am all the time on beck and call. and he acts like i bother him but he is the one can u do, will u do, did u do. then he is cold after he gets what he wanted.

      i will try this advise from u and sis Khadijah. When I get off work today I will do. Infact I may work a littler overtime and not rush home. Maybe I will go to the gym. And then play with kids. I admit it is hard for me to ignore him. because I desire the attention, but I will because I am too available and there is no chase.


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