Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheating husband had text messages to female on his phone

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I found explicit text messages on my husbands phone to another female. He admits to seeing this female and when I asked if he had sexual intercourse with her he would not deny it or admit it. He then said he was close to doing something but will not expand on it.

I know they have been seeing each other for at least 5 months as I spoke to the female too. She admitted he came over to her house on various occasions and had late nights there. She denied a sexual relationship but said they were very close and had feelings for each other. He was staying out almost every night and switching his phone off with no explanation.

Since I confronted him he has showed no remorse or even apologised. He still stays out all night every few nights. He is very secretive with his phone which makes me suspect he still in touch with her. He did say stop seeing her and speaking to her before I found out. I am very upset and feel like. I have no trust left.

I have a 4 year old son and I am due any day soon. With our second child. I think he is only here for the sake of the children. We have not had any sort of relationship for the last 6 months and hardly even speak. I am very unhappy and feel unloved. I do love him dearly but do not feel he feels the same. I dont think I can carry on with this marriage if I don't know where I stand or if he loves me. He has shown no remorse for his actions and doesnt seem to care about how much he upset me.

Shall I divorce him? I need to concentrate on my children and he doesn't seem to be trying to make our marriage work.


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7 Responses »

  1. AA;

    I apologize on his behalf for his bad behavior. It is un-Islamic, inappropriate, and immoral. I think it is better to try to talk to him again, see whats bothering him, why is he doing it, try to communicate more. Maybe talk to the lady (since you started already) and see why is she doing this. Try to close the relationship from both sides.

    I am not saying this is easy sister. It is very hard and depressing. Add to that the fact you are pregnant and the stress will amount even more. But I hate divorces and I hate to see families break up. and above all, think of this as a test from Allah. To test how you will handle it, or how patient you might be.

    Please try to talk to him and work things out. Maybe the Imam at the mosque might be able to help too. Sometimes to bring family members into this might help, or might cause more issues.

    I pray that Allah will give you guidance and patience and reward you with the best of the best inshallah.

    If I am correct, it is from Allah. and if I err, it is from me and I pray Allah forgives me.


    Just a Man.

  2. I would strongly suggest for u to try as hard as u can to please him and win his heart and make the marriage work. Sometimes holding hands when u talking can help the conversation be more open and honest. Try looking at some of michael webb's books which u can order online. He is known as the most romantic man in todays time. he has some really good tips on how to save marriages and make them more better. Consider buying some of his books online, and do the tips that he suggests (do what it tells u, as long as islam allows u to do those things, I mean as long as the things that u try are okay in islam. ). And do a khatam or dua that will make him fall in lovr with u. Ask an alim or another knowledgeable person to teach u it. Also learn about what islam advices in making a marriage be successful. and if u think that getting a third party to help u would be a good idea, then do that. Go to marriage counselling and a local imam.

    If after doing all that u could, u felt that he isnt changing and u r not happy. Then if divorce was allowed islam in that situation then I think u should go for the divorce. Because my parents dont get along and it affected my life greatly. My moms depression and my parents empty nest relationship has given me lots and lots of problems. Offspring from such bad relationships often want their parents to divorce rather stay together. Well, this is thr case with me and many other offsprings anyway.

    Sometimes our dua doesnt get fulfilled in this life, however that doesnt mean that Allah hasnt listened to us. Im not sure exactly what Allah gives us in the hereafter for the duas that didnt get fulfilled in this life, may br we get what we wished for or we get something much better than what we wished for. I dont remember now exactly, try researching that. So im not sure if when u do khatam, wheather it will definetly change your husbands behaviour towards u. But if it doesnt that doesnt mean that Allah has forgotton u.

    May Allah give u a happy future.

  3. Dear sister

    Inshallah I hope your husband has repented by now and made it up to you. Divorce is a last resort, before you take this step, can you provide more details?

    Is there a cause for his behaviour? Was your relationship ever on good terms?

    Did he marry you out of his own choice?

  4. Walikum assalaam,

    Sorry to be the one telling you this but there is no benefit of living in denial; he was cheating, IS cheating and yes did go all the way with her. U know it deep down too but because it hurts so much, you don't want to know it. If its anything contrary to that then there should be a big surprise. I know as Muslims we are supposed to think well of people n trust them, however thats to be done without ignoring common sense and ridiculous amount of evidence (if not proof) for someones deceit.

    Don't have long but wanted to quickly say..why jump to divorce before trying ALL the methods required to save a marriage? Have you thought and acted upon those? - communication with hour hubby, involving a learned Imam, involving seniors from both sides of family, Islamic counseling, time apart, etc.
    Just wana say remember divorce should be last resort..shaitaan works hard in making it seem like the first solution.

    Think of solving it inshallah and act upon that..if he doesn't change, then inshallah you know you AND your kids deserve better life than this.

    I pray Allah swt makes this easy for you sister, Ameen.


  5. Assalaamu'alaikum Sis

    Alrite ur husband will not leave ya but he will keep having the relationship with the other woman, i dont know if he had made Nikah with her or not, but if he did, its oki for him. But i know u wont be able to tolerate that, right...u wana that he gives u only all his Love but right now its not the case n i may tell u he will not leave u already said in ur comment, for about 6 love, no speak...right now he feels that the other one is better (taking into consideration if he is not in nikah with the woman) but actually shaitwan is playing with him.

    So sis im really sorry, maybe ull see others will tell u, be patient or hold on, telling them, life its not as u think, we r not at the time of the Prophet (SAW) but nearing Qiyaamah, so evils will prevail everywhere, so carefull...

    If u agree he keeps meeting her but in Nikah, of course going according to the rules of Islam when having to Wives, the responsibilities and Alhamdulillah ur husband is able to do it, insha-Allah ull be happy but in case he doesnt, hold on, storm is coming...

    I mean it will be really difficult for u specially the children...

    Take Care
    Over n Out


  6. Ask him to marry her and keep you.

    ...He will love you for that like he has never loved you before... if you can control your jealousy.

    tell him to have a halal second relationship or give you divorce.

    give him the options to do the right thing.

    Allah has given him the option to marry again... encourage him to do so.

    May Allah help you do what is right.

  7. Asalaam alaikum,

    Find out if he did a nikkah with this woman. If so, then Islamically there are a few things to consider. Some alims have said that the first wife's permission is obligatory to seek before a second marriage can take place. Others have said that is not the case, that it is only recommended. Was a second marriage ever discussed between your husband and yourself? If he hasn't married this other woman, then all this is just semantics.

    Anyhow, it was apparent that there has been trouble in your married life beforehand and this was the harbinger to his infidelity, though it also seems that there is an emotional aspect to it. If you two have not coupled in love making for 6 months, then yes, he sought the affections of a woman in this manner. What kind of sex they engaged in may not matter, because he is seeking emotional and physical love in her arms. It may be that they have only coupled together without intercourse, though the presence of sexually explicit messages makes that seem less likely. It may be that they have engaged in other forms of sex, however.

    Without remorse or apology and his continuance of staying out with this woman, it is clear that despite your knowledge of what is happening, he respects your needs and wants even less. He is treating you unfairly without explanation and of course, he is seeing this other woman while he is out at night. It is possible, I'm afraid, that she and him have taken the relationship further by now. Either way, Islamically he is not treating your within your married rights as a wife or doing justice to you. Though divorce is not liked, this issue has been avoided by the other advice given. Also, there is grounds for divorce when he has not pleased you sexually, emotionally and physically through love making.

    Desperate times call for swift action and here is what I recommend to you.

    1. Determine if they are married or not.
    2. Determine whether you are able to be in this type of marriage and if it pleases you.
    3. If they are, seek resolution with them both. This is going to be difficult, but you have rights as a wife, too.
    4. If you do stay married and they are married, you must have your rights fulfilled.
    5. If your rights are neglected, this is grounds to seek help and involve others, if you so choose.
    6. If there is no resolution, you may seek divorce.

    If they are not married......

    1. Call the other woman again and tell her that by infringing on your rights, she must stop her actions.
    2. Tell your husband that you will no longer be treated this way, as it a violation of the Qur'an and the sanctity of marriage.
    3. Your actions should consist of involving other people such as the woman's family to convince her put a stop to this.
    4. Your husband's parents should be consulted, if it becomes desperate.
    5. An alim should also be consulted, if necessary.
    6. You may need to hire a private investigator to find out more about this woman.
    7. Depending on where you live, there may be a cause to bring the case before a sharia council.
    8. If you find the only means to seek resolution is divorce, then do so.
    9. Prepare to sue this woman civilly for the dissolution of your marriage. Cases like these have been highly successful in Western society in favor of the spousal victim.

    However, this is the most important part:

    You and your husband have fallen out of love and he has lost respect for you. Understand why this happened and review the circumstances behind it. Until you both come to terms of what is causing your martial problems. If he refuses to discuss it, he will continually cheat on you. Remember, it isn't the sex that is the actual cheating, but the betrayal of trust that is.

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