My cheating husband’s lover is abusive to me
Salam to all my sisters and brothers here.
I am in my late 30's and got married last year. My husband is new to islam. He is a convert. As a muslim lady, I guide him in every way to be a good muslim man. However, it doesn't turn out well. We both are working adults. We don't have children, and planning to have one soon. However after our 1 year of marriage, he confessed to me he met another muslim woman who has 2 kids.
After that I found out the truth about my husband's lover- she actually cheated on her husband twice: the first year of her marriage, and now the second one with my husband. Funny thing, my husband knew it and he doesn't mind at all.
After I found out about my husband's affair, we both had a long discussion and talked about it. I apologized to my husband. I am learning about marriage, and he should give me a chance so I can learn and improve better. My husband said he loves me and he doesn't want to give up on our marriage. However, the lover got so angry and furious, she sent me a nasty email and abused me with vulgar words that are not pleasant to hear. I was all alone at that time, and I didn't share it with any one. I don't want to share with my parents, as this may upset them. Thus, I deal on my own. I ignored her email and moved on to make my marriage work.
I pray to Allah to give me direction and strength to move on and forget the past. My prayers were answered, and I got a job overseas. I have asked permission from my husband if he allowed me to go, and he said 'ok, go ahead if that makes you feel better and come back fresh'. So I took up this job. We are constantly on skype and whassap to keep in contact and our relationship seems lots better. But we are missing each other's touch.
Then, my husband get hooked up again with the same lover that he dumped before. She told my husband before if he went back to me, his marriage won't last and I will never get pregnant. That was the last message she said to my husband. I was away for work and I was shocked after receiving email from the lover and pictures she sent, that both are back together. I was devastated.
I confronted my husband when he came to visit me, and he said yes, he is still seeing her and her kids and their relationship is getting closer. My heart stopped. I don't know what to say. I pray everyday to Allah hoping my marriage goes back to normal, but it turned into a nightmare. In addition, his lover is pregnant and she doesn't want an abortion.
On the other hand, she told my husband to divorce me instead, but my husband doesn't want to divorce. He still loves me and he want to have a future with me. Now my husband is caught inbetween. He loves and cares about me, but he made the mistake that he lead her on. And she will never stop messaging and contacting him.
So now, what I should do? Should I leave my husband? But the thing is I believe that my marriage is not finished. There is something missing which I need to fill and be fulfilled. He knows this and he wants to have a baby with me. But with the pregnant woman there, and right now I am back with my husband, what I should do? I love my husband. I want to guide him to Islam and show him the right path, but the woman is too much of a distraction.
Please help.
-fizza
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If I was in your position I wouldn't be able to forgive my husband for cheating on me. He also betrayed your trust and trust is something that can never be replaced once lost. Once a cheater always a cheater. I think your husband is a multiplicative and always will be, you got caught in the crossfire and he knew exactly where he wanted you. This man has no respect for himself I seriously would leave him and not look back.
Salaams,
It sounds to me like he's trying to set up a polygamous situation and take her as his second wife. If he doesn't do something like that, his relationship will be very sinful.
Either way, if I were you I wouldn't remain married to him. Polygamy that comes from infidelity is horrible. I don't support it at all. I don't think it will be a good situation for you whether you remain with him as a co-wife or the only wife.
One thing that concerns me about your post is that you said you were trying to apologize to him and ask for chances. Why? What did you do wrong? The fact that you feel you owe him something while he's wronging you is warped and inaccurate. And after all this you still feel that something needs to happen for you all? That you should have a child with him?
Sister, I think you have a lot of bad conditioning about your role in this marriage and your value as a muslimah. You don't seem to have the self respect you are meant to have as a muslim woman. I suggest you work on empowering yourself and your sense of self worth, and in shaa Allah your path forward will be much clearer and less painful than the place you are in now.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Sister,
Your husband is an adulterer plain and simple. He marries you and has an adulterous affair with this other woman. The fact of the matter is...this woman is going to take what she can get and it seems your husband is more than willing to oblige. You keep saying your husband loves you but a man who loves his wife would not hurt her like your husband has you. Now he is going to have an illegitimate child with his lover.
I personally believe it would be a huge mistake for you to stay with such a man. He does not deserve you and does not value your marriage at all. He cares nothing for your heart and can't keep his pants zipped up to save his life. How on earth do you want a child with a man who has taken a lover on the side and who has impregnated her as well? Surely you deserve a much better life with a spouse who will be faithful to you?
This woman is not a distraction sister, it is your husband who is the one who is distracted. Your husband is a weak man and does not value the sanctity of marriage or the vows that you both took. Speak with your family and get some help from them if you can. What it comes down to is you and what you are willing to accept in your current situation. You really should think long and hard. Your husband is the one who has created the current predicament...not this woman. If you want to put the blame on anyone, put it where it belongs. On your weak and adulterous husband.
May Allah guide you to what is best for you.
Salam
You're husband can't love you if he has hurt you like this. You deserve a lot better and I don't think he is going to leave that other woman now since she is pregnant. They both deserve each other. You should leave him and start a new life with someone who actually deserves you
Thank you for you for advise and thoughts. You are right, I dont deserve a man like him. Yes, he is weak. I have file a divorce, but he didnt want to sign the paper, and he dont want to let me go. He seek forgiveness from me and he is leaving the woman and the child. He have asked the woman to abort the child. And that woman, cursing and swearing at me. Saying, if my husband go back to me, he will be never be happy again and i will never get pregnant. She curse me so bad, that it hurts me. What i should do now, he dont sign the paper. I have all the evidence, photos and email for adultery. He refuse to let me go....
Sister you need to love your self,
Assalam alaikum,
Your husband doesn't sound like he loves you at all--and it doesn't sound like he has any self-respect for that matter. Is this the kind of man you would want to be the father of your child? Sister, I think you already know what you have to do.
May Allah ease your problems, Ameen.
Assalam-u-alaikum my dearest sister in Islam, I tend to agree with Sr. Saba. Do you really want this man to be the father of your child?
In Islam our motherhood responsibilities start well before we actually have kids. The first being when you choose to marry a Man. It is your first and foremost duty to consider what type of a father he will be to your children. Example you cannot marry an abusive drunkard and expect him not to abuse your kids.
Please sister consider the innocent child/children you are willing to bring into this world and what they deserve. They most certainly do not deserve a broken marriage or a the side effects from your marital life.
I will make Dua for you to find peace and may Allah help us all in our times of need.
Your sister in Islam.
My dear sister...get as far away from this man as possible...do not have kids with him who cares what that woman said about breaking your marriage she is a cheater and so is your husband..get a divorce find yourself a pious well settled man and May God bless you with peace blessing and happiness and pious little ones with a loyal God fearing man
Thank you all, sister and brother for all your advise and thoughts, greatly appeciated. You are all right. I shared my problem with my only elder sister, and she agreed as well, that i must leave him before he started using me to his advantage. He used to be a nice man, but is all changed after one incidence, affair. And is not an affair anymore. He commited sins twice, by making her pregnant. And she refused to abort. As i replied earlier, I have filed the divorce with all the evidence of the Adultery. But he refused to sign the paper, and begging me to stay. He seeked for forgiveness and he has been traped by that woman. But deep down i know is just a fooling me. I know, he need me. He said he will never marry her. He will stick to me till death tear us apart. That was is last word to me. He admitted he did wrong, he apologized and he begged me to stay. The divorce paper is in limbo, he didnt want to sign. He promised me, he gave the money to that woman to have it abort so he can make up his marriage with me. He said he shared his precidament with his parent, and his parent agreed and support him what he did is right. Go back to wife and make up this marriage for good.
So, my dear sister and brother, should i forgive him and move on, or go for seperation and stick with my divorce thingy and move on on my own?
Thank you.
Stick to the divorce! He is a liar and a cheat, and if you go back to him he will think you tolerate all of that. Go through with the divorce, he is not a good husband.
Please sister, move on from his men he will not change what so ever your still young,you will have a
Good muslim men that loves, and respect you, you don't need this man him and this other women are alike that's why they will never be happy in life, Allah knows best!! Your a smart women don't let him talk you into stayin with him he will not change I have seen this issue with so many friends of mine!!! Now they are married to someone else and much happier!!!
Thank you sister for your wise advise. After this terrified and painful marriage, not sure i can get marry again? im not sure. My main focus is to get my job back, back to basic and strive for achievement. Right now, i will wait and see about the divorce, if he dont sign, there is nothing i can do. I will see these few days, if he really want to make up this marriage, is him have to make more effort to convince me and win me back. I just sit back and observe. Meanwhile, i will continue hunting for job and hope i can sneak out and move on without him know. I think that will be the best way to get away since he refuse to release me. What you reckon?
Sister is in her late 30. Very tough situation. Many women try to tolerate even worse due to late marriage and further difficulties in future to remarry due to age and label of divorce. Still this man is very weak regarding morals. Not worth staying in stress ful marriage.
Dear Sisters and Brother, he managed to convince his lover to abort the child and she agreed and abort it. I dont believe what she did, is a bizzare. Why? If he can make her abort the child, easily he can leave me when i am in difficulty sitatuion. He already made me quit my job and beg me to save this marriage twice, im afraid i have to put this to end before he used me.
Salamaleikum!
It's more than a year ago that you wrote your previous post and I hope that you're inshAllah doing better now. Your story made me sad. But you need to let him go, I understand it is difficult because you're emotionally tied to him, but reading your story, it's obvious it's not healthy for your own mental state. Also please don't worry about other people's curses put on you. Trust in Allah's protection.
Also life is short, even if a potential next marriage is not possible don't worry, there are more important things in life. Strive to become the best Muslim and person you can be for yourself, your community and the world at large. You're Muslim for a reason don't let yourself drown in too much worldly matters. So, indeed it's a good plan to focus on what you want for yourself, a focus on your career might be for the better, and above all your relationship with Allah.
Furthermore, it looks like your husband uses you and the other woman for his own selfish reasons. You don't need to fix him, pray for his and her hidaya and just go your own way. On the other hand, and I'm sorry if I come across confusing, but since this is only your side of the story I can't really judge and say what you should do. Just pray to Allah and also ask for support from trusted family members, like your sister. So I pray that you meet whatever is in your khair. In any case don't despair, always keep your hopes up.
Also correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you have full rights in Islam, and for that matter in most non-Islamic laws, to ask for divorce and that he cannot refuse your request (in addition to all the proof you have)?
I wish you the best of luck and khair.