Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We both are married but been intimate; now he has gone cold. I don’t know what to do?


I am a Christian girl that fell in love with a Muslim guy. I am married but I am not happy. My husband hit me once and since then we grew apart. The Muslim guy is nice, kind, smart, charismatic. He is married too. One day he called me and told me he loves me so much. I could say I was infatuated with his love. No body in my life wrote to me so many letters, supported me, care so much about me. I felt for the first time in my life loved, secure and happy.

I knew from the beginning that this relationship is not right but after discussing with him he told me about second wife idea. Little by little I started to accept this and felt less guilty. I have never wanted him to leave his family for me. I have never wanted to hurt his family. I had the stupidest idea to have some forgiven happiness. I told him all about my life, everything I was getting through - my life was a continous  fights and for first time in my life I thought I was not going to get hurt. We used to tell each other everything.

After 3 months being together we started to make love. I felt so guilty all the time after he left, me being alone (my husband does not live in the same city with me - he comes home during weekend) and after I made love with him I refused my husband. To cut the story short; after 6 months he started to feel guilty about what he was doing and decided to stop our relationship suddenly. One night he told he does not want to make love with me. I understood; I held his hands in my hands and told him it was OK. We do not have to do this. I love him with all my heart and I would die for him. So I told him that I would do what he would ask me to do.

Meanwhile his wife found out about this, told her kids and an entire drama started. We decided to stop seeing each other, than to stop writing to each other but after some day he would write to me and so on. At this moment I am very depressed. I have told him to talk to me. I do not want him to touch me, to make love or anything like this. At the beginning our relationship he said to me that whatever would happen he would be my friend, support me to move on.

This is what I want just to move on. I just cry and I am not able to do anything. I go to work taking sedatives because otherwise I would not be able to work. I meet him at work everyday. Sometimes he just comes to see me, look at me and leave. I just need help to find my balance, to cope with the pain. I do not know what to do. I need help from you Muslim friends but I hope getting some advice and not hate words would do what my dialogue with him would have done.

I am alone, I do not have friends. I am a soul besides being his mistress and committing sins and I need help to continue to live. I regret what I did but I do not know what to do to move one.


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6 Responses »

  1. salaam, may you find peace in this world and in the hereafter.

    madam, the reason why you are sad and miserable is because you are not close to your lord, and have broken his boundries by commiting a henious sin which is adultery,
    i can understand how your husband abusing you may lead you into the arms of another person out of vulnerability, but that was no excuse, sorry.

    so thus you feel guilty for your, and thats whats killing you from the inside, i know how it feels after you do something bad.
    but Allaah is mercifull and forgives all sins and has honoured humans because of that.
    infact Allaah loves the sinner who repented better than the one who did not make mistakes in the first place, just like a person loves a sheep which he lost and found again more than all his other sheeps.

    so the only way you will now find happiness and inner peace, is to go and search for God, his mercy and forgiveness.

    get up in the middle of the night whilst everyone is sleeping, and raise your hands to the sky, and beg for god almighty to guide you to the way of life he is most pleased with, so he becomes pleased with you thus, he will guide you without a shadow of doubt.

    donot ever make partnership with God and dont ever attribute an atom of good, blessing you have to anyother than god alone, who is one and undevided and the only one worthy of worship.

    so the best advice i could give you, is that you fix your relationship, belief, worship of god almighty, and lean back from all these people who are a source of grief,heartbreak for you. Allaah will fix your relationship with the people.
    humans will always abandone you but Allaah will never.

    "say [oh muhammad] to [christians and jews] if you truely love Allaah then follow me, Allaah will love you and forgive you your sins.
    suurah 3.

    i truely want happiness and succes for you both in this world and hereafter, and like i said, Allaah is the only certain source of happiness you can have.
    i hope Allaah guides you and removes grief from you soon.

  2. Salaam,

    If you feel guilty inside, it is good and you are enough as a witness to your own psyche, may be this is the time to benefit from the Reminder of God and turn to Him.

    Turn to Allah repentant, our Lord and your Lord before there comes to you a Day which cannot be averted.

    " Turn unto Him repentant, and surrender unto Him, before there come unto you the doom, when ye cannot be helped.
    And follow the better of that which is revealed unto you from your Lord, before the doom cometh on you suddenly when ye know not,
    Lest any soul should say Alas, my grief that I was unmindful of Allah, and I was indeed among the scoffers!
    Or should say: if Allah had but guided me I should have been among the dutiful!
    Or should say, when it seeth the doom: Oh, that I had but a second chance that I might be among the righteous
    ! "

    -Surah Az Zumar (54-58).

    " When the heaven is split asunder
    And attentive to her Lord in fear,
    And when the earth is spread out
    And hath cast out all that was in her, and is empty
    And attentive to her Lord in fear!
    Thou, O man, art working toward thy Lord a work which thou wilt meet
    Then whoso is given his account in his right hand
    He truly will receive an easy reckoning
    And will return unto his folk in joy.
    But whoso is given his account behind his back,
    He surely will invoke destruction
    And be thrown to scorching fire.
    He verily lived joyous with his folk,
    He verily deemed that he would never return.
    Nay, but his Lord is ever looking on him!
    Oh, I swear by the afterglow of sunset,
    And by the night and all that it enshroudeth,
    And by the moon when she is at the full,
    That ye shall move on stage by stage.
    What aileth them then that they believe not?
    And, when the Qur’an is recited unto them, they make not prostration?
    Nay, but those who disbelieve will deny;
    And Allah knoweth best what they are hiding.
    So give them tidings of a painful doom,
    Save those who believe and do good works, for theirs is a reward unfailing.

    – Surah Inshiqaq

    "And The Day when the enemies of Allah are gathered unto the Fire, they are driven on.
    Till, when they reach it, their ears and their eyes and their skins testify against them as to what they used to do.
    And they say unto their skins: Why testify ye against us?
    They say: Allah hath given us speech Who giveth speech to all things, and Who created you at the first, and unto Whom ye are returned.
    Ye did not hide yourselves lest your ears and your eyes and your skins should testify against you, but ye deemed that Allah knew riot much of what ye did.
    That, your thought which ye did think about your Lord, hath ruined you; and ye find yourselves among the lost.
    And though they are resigned, yet the Fire is still their home; and if they ask for favour, yet they are not of those unto whom favour can be shown.
    And We assigned them comrades (in the world), who made their present and their past fair seeming unto them.
    And the Word concerning nations of the jinn and humankind who passed away before them hath effect for them. Verily they are the losers.

    – Surah Fussilat (19 - 26).

    " Say: O mankind! Now hath the Truth from your Lord come unto you. So whosoever is guided, is guided only for himself, and whosoever erreth erreth only against it. And I am not a warder over you."-Surah Yunus, 108.


  3. Peace Ariare,

    I am sorry to read what you have been going through. I will look at another angle here. You have been unhappy from the start dear, but rather than dealing in the problems in your marriage and maybe the problems in your life you pushed them aside. This man coming into your life and giving you the attention, the time and the love you wanted but didnt have from your husband was the last straw, so essentially he took advantage of how vulnerable you are (maybe knowingly or unknowingly) and you used his attention and his love to fill the void in your life. And then fell in love with him. This has happened to many women unfortunately but it may not be love. It is a need for him. Each time you push your feelings away and run from the situation to get the love you need you reinforced your desire to be with him. It is almost an addiction my love and it will be difficult to break. But it is possible and one day, God willing you will look back and realise that what you felt wasn't love but something else. Maybe infactuation.

    In the situation you were in, it could have been any one who had given you the love you were craving. The fact that are alone and without friends only made you more vulnerable and naturally you have grown to rely on him so much. But use this experience to look at your life and how well your doing, and assess your relationship with God (Allah.) Are you lonely? How do you feel spiritually. Let me remind you you have the power to take control of your life and change things

    Its important to never seek love for happiness. Seek happiness yourself and do not rely on any person. Only God can be relied on 100% at all times.

    In regards to your situation:

    You know that this relationship was wrong and it has to end. It is unhealthy to you, unfair to his wife and children. It was a sin for him and for you. So sit down, let yourself cry and acknowledge how wrong it was. Do not associate any partners with God (not jesus, or anything else- Just God- alone) and ask Him to forgive you for this. Ask Him to help you out of this difficulty and ask Him for help to move on and improve your life. Ask Him to guide you to the truth and fill your life with happiness and light. Make this prayer as much as you can. He knows you inside out, your thoughts, feelings,past,future and only He can truly help you - as long as you help yourself.#

    First and foremost: Stop meeting him, break all contact. He cannot help you move on - this is a journey you must take yourself. Meeting him only stops you from moving on, each time you see him its a fresh wound which doesn't heal. Send him an email asking him to stop coming to see you. Make it clear you need to move on and want him out of your life - delete his number. These are the hardest steps but the most important.

    After this, just give yourself time. Keep busy with useful things. Take up hobbies if you can and try to spend time meeting nice ladies. Try to make some friends. Stay away from meeting men, as you are vulnerable right now and do not want to be taken advantage of. Maintain a connection with God. Again this will take time.

    In time when you feel strong enough, try to address the problems in your marriage rather than cover them up. Work on it and see if you can move past this with your husband. If you really cannot you may want to consider divorce. Again this is all in time. Your first focus should be breaking contact with this guy and moving on.

    - The key to your happiness lies only in your hand andwith God. Do not give this key to anyone else. It is yours
    - Rebuilding a life takes time and effort, dont beat yourself up if you fall a lot at first. Just pick up and try again.
    - Allah never closes a door without opening a window. So find that open window.
    - Keep firm in keeping away from this guy if you want to move on.

    I wish you all the best. Keep us posted.

    Sara Editor

    • Assalam u alaikum Dearest Sister Sara,
      Thank you so much for the response. I am sure with help to Sister Ariare, it helped me too. I was in a similar situation and till today there are time when i feel like dying. But reading your words and others on this site make me live and strive to become a better muslim everyday rather than crying.
      I sincerely felt like giving prayers to you from my heart for helping everybody here.

    • beautiful response

  4. I sopport d advice given by abu zubair and wiki, yes d best thing is to turn to ur lord who created u. . . Pray to Allah to do d best for u and also to guide ur partner (d muslim guy) so dat he repent and lead the correct muslim way of life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pray for d best, coz it may be dat ur partner is d best match for u to marry . . . . . He can marry u as a second wife, islam doesnt ve problem with that. Islam permit a man to marry up to 4 women. . . .

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