Abused when 7 and now suicidal thoughts
salams everyone
I am 21 year old muslim girl.I was sexually abused when I was 7 years old .
No one at my home knows and I can´t even think of telling this to anyone. I at times get jealous of all the girls who are virgins.
This clearly depicts that I am no more a virgin, this has affected my studies so badly. I can´t get over the thoughts..I can´t tell this to anyone because then its me who will be blamed for everything.
I try to stay happy infront of everyone but noone knows what I am going through..I cry alot and ask ALLAH that why did this happen to me. I am not even able to lead a peaceful life. I am even scared that when I will be married, my husband is for sure going to divorce me when he finds out that I am not a virgin...at times I even think of committing suicide.
I can let my parents and brothers let down because of me..I need your help.
Can a guy on the wedding night find out that the girl is not a virgin?
Please help me out.:S.
helpless
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Assalamualaikum warahmatullah
My advice would be sister that you keep this as a secret forever. There would be no point disclosing it to anyone. When you get married I hope that inshAllah everything will be normal because you were very young at the time and in years of having no intercourse your body would be in normal position. Take this secret to your grave as you will be embarrased to talk to your family about this. This can happen to anyone. Be close to your Allah and try to read Salat five times a day with the understanding of arabic that you should know what you are reading in salat. Salat without understanding can be very empty and try to read the meaning of Quran inshAllah. No point talking to your future husband about this issue as husbands can be very conservative thinking. I hope there will no sin in keeping it a secret forever but for your peace of mind have an islamic opinion cos my advice is based on my own understanding.
Be positive sister and enjoy this life...its not worth being miserable. Cherish the things Allah has bestowed on you. When you feel down, read salat, help mum, have discussions with family, have a hobby, stop being in your room all the time and on net because you ll feel more down......Socialise with other sisters.
May Allah give you peace..Ameen
Aya0259
I know you are trying to help the sister by advising her to remain quiet and by saying that 'this can happen to anyone', referring to her being raped and abused as a young child.
But this young innocent sister is crying out to be heard and helped and you have just undermined what she has suffered by telling her to remain quiet again as she has done for the last 14 years of her life. Just staying quiet has obviously not helped her. She needs to speak to someone, to the right person, perhaps a counsellor. And if this person who abused her still has the same evil nature, he could be a threat to other children aswell. Such things need to be dealt with, not brushed under the carpet.
Dear Sister 'Helpless', you are very brave for writing here. InshaAllah, someone will reply to you with some practical advice, if not, I shall try to reply later tonight as I am away from my home pc so cannot write more just yet.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, Sister Z,
If I was Sister aya0259, I would be scared of commenting again, I don´t think in any moment she wanted to undermine what Sister Helpless had gone and is going through, she was telling what she thought she would do in her situation, in fact, I just see love and comfort through her comment.
If you read her post again is telling us, "I hope there will no sin in keeping it a secret forever but for your peace of mind have an islamic opinion cos my advice is based on my own understanding." This is an extremely humble position, I do admire her, because she is teaching us humbleness.
In fact, everyone that comments here have all my respect, because it is not nice to be exposed to others judments.
Not all of us are the same, none of us is perfect and all of us have our own fears and insecurities, many of us just have our own Hearts to share, I don´t see anything bad on it. We can approach others in a more loving way, if we want to, if Allah(swt) allows it, love guide us to open ourselves to learn from others, judments will make us to close ourselves and stay away from being judged.
I am guilty of that, I´ve been a couple of times harsh with Mr. Fisher and I really would like him to forgive me, I will do it directly next time I have the opportunity, insha´Allah.
Thank you very much Sister aya0259 and Sister Z, you have brought forward an important issue, Jazak Allahu Khayran.
All my Unconditional Respect and Love,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You know something that hurts me deeply, that when she says "this can happen to anyone" she is telling us how common it is this terrible situation, and children don´t normally talk about it, because they feel guilty, they are scared of being punished, they just don´t know what is going on, ...many are the reasons, children are extremely vulnerable, and none of us that has children can say, I trust 100 percent this is not going to happen to my child (boy or girl), can happen anywhere and with anyone, family, friends, teachers, ...we trust because if not we would go insane but always with an eye on them.
This is what she may want to say to us, I´ve many, more than I would like to know people that has been abused while been little, and even now, you can see children are victims one day and another of this kind of abuse, ... none of us like to talk about this, but acknowledging this problem is as actual and bad as it is, we may awake people not to be so naiv about their children security.
I am really sorry for talking this way, but all of you that have gone under such terrible situation, may help others not to be abused.
I heard a boy here, claiming almost shouting don´t let your uncles touch your boys, he was abused during all his childhood, nobody knew, he is now a healthy spiritual man, Alhamdulillah, but he has gone through a lot of struggle keeping it for himself, feeling guilty. We can do something about it, maybe just being here for them, listening to them and trying to support them, acknowledging their suffering and trying to guide them in the best way everyone of us can do, insha´Allah.
Please, Sister helpless, forgive me for writing all of this in your post, I will try to be of help for you in my next comment, insha´Allah.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Maria,
I did not mean to speak harshly with the sister. I also agree that she gave loving and humble advice. But at the same time, I think sister Helpless needs to feel free to speak about what she went through. So many sisters have suffered like this and think they should take it to the grave, but I do not believe they should have to suffer in silence.
Sisyer Aya, apologies if I came across as harsh. Of course you are right that the sister should seek comfort and justice in Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazak Allahu Khayran, my beloved Sister Z.
I think what she referred about being silent was about marriage, not to have an stigma. This is a very delicate situation.
Sorry for misunderstanding you.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sister helpless,
Alhamdulillah, thank you very much for sharing with us and opening your Heart the way you´ve done.
I agree with Sister Z about going to counselling, can you do it ? do you feel the strength to do it by yourself?
A professional guidence would be great for you, because it will give you tools to heal all this wounds and live a healthy life. You are a victim and you have been carrying for so long too much suffering, now it is time to take that away from you in the most healthy way possible, insha´Allah.
I would advise you too to ask to Allah(swt) to help you to forgive the person that abused you, only Him can give you that strength, insha´Allah.
About virginity, not all the women has an intact hymen, can break practising sports, and about noticing, not all the women feel pain or bleed when they have their first sexual act.
Reading your post, I see you cannot look to anyone in your family for help, then we have to focus this in the best way possible, praying. I believe in the power of dua eyes blind and I know my words will be tested after I am writing this to you, with my Heart in my hand I tell you again I believe in the power of dua, and I will tell you why, because when we pray, we talk directly to Allah(swt) and He listens to us, I don´t like to ask for anything directly, I always put myself in His Hands, He is the All-Knower, He knows what is the best for me, I submit to Him to guide my steps to the best for me, I acknowledge He knows what it the best for me even when I can think it is a tough situation, He is saving me from something worst and preparing me for something better, insha´Allah.
My beloved sister I would highly recommend you as our Sister aya said, pray your five salat, and make dua to Allah, on the top of the page you have a link with dua, all of them equally good, but the seventh has helped me to bring Peace to my soul. Get close to Allah(swt) He is the best of the Healers, learn His Names and His Attributes, you will see what I want to show to your Heart, insha´Allah.
Please with this, you will increase your iman and you will relate to your family and the others with Peace in your Heart, tell me what is wrong with your studies to see how I can help you, if I can, insha´Allah.
Please feel free, if you want to ask for anything, or feel doubts or discomfort.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam-Alekum,
Sister, you did nothing wrong and you are not to blame for whatever happened to you. This is a huge problem in the society and nobody talks about it. But you are brave enough to write it here and talk about it. I think you should take it as a good sign for yourself as you are tackling the problem head on. You did good by writing about it as it gives you a channel to express your feelings.
Sister, its good that you try to be happy. But if this problem is coming back to you again and again then perhaps its better that you talk to someone. One way that I find, is to talk to Allah(s.w.t.) and when the pain is too much to handle he puts something in your heart that gives you 'sabr' for that loss. When you cry thinking of this thing ask Allah(s.w.t.) to give you 'sabr' and resolve this problem for you in a way that is best for you in this world and hereafter.
Sister, don't worry about marriage, This is something that happened to you and you had no control over it. But as 'aya0259' said don't tell it to your husband as this is something which is nobody's concern. No one can exactly know about a woman's 'virginity', as there can be other non-sexual reasons through which some woman can break her hymen hence loose her 'virginity'.
Sister, you are still a virgin, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong. You were abused, you are just like any other person who didn't crossed any of the limits('hadd') put forth by Allah (s.w.t.),
Why are you being worried, just for your husband. As far as he is concerned, he might not even know about this issue inshaAllah.
Please have faith in Alah(s.w.t.), he does not humiliate his men and women who have not done anything wrong. He is 'Rehman' and 'Raheem'. Worried should be those who are sinners and those who have clearly crossed his boundaries. You are innocent as you did nothing wrong.
regards,
I agree with SisterZ, Maria and Concerned. You must talk to someone about what happened. A counselor or therapist will keep confidentiality and will not reveal your discussions to anyone else.
If you have the strength to tell your family that would be best, because the person who did this terrible act needs to be held accountable, or at the very least should be shamed in front of society, so that everyone will know to keep their children away from him.
As Concerned said, though your hymen may not be intact, spiritually you are a virgin. You did nothing wrong and you bear no responsibility for what happened. The person who did this to you is entirely at fault.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
you are not to blame
look at this a a test from allah to make you an amazing strong spiritual all-loving and god concious being
remember those that have committed SIN THEMSELVES will be struggling just like you but in fact your struggles are through no fault of your own; what i am trying to say is that everyone struggles and if allah can forgive those committing sin then you should find some peace too sister because youve not committed any sin youve been abused so please take some comfort in knowing that allah never fails and you will be happy one day inshallah remain steadfast and strong be happy no matter what the situation pray and be devoted to allah only
i hope your days get brighter and no matter how hard the situation you will be okay because allah never fails no matter how hard one is struggling remember youre not alone in this world suffering take care asalaamualikum
thats really nice of you all for your responses:)...i doo pray and cry alot while prayingg...i have become really sensitive:(...thank GOD i finally found a platform where i can discuss my feelings..to be honest the society in which we are living in..i can never go and tell this to anyone..it will be me who will be blamed:(..i have got my self respect,disclosing this even to the closest person let it be my frend or sister,i might have to loose my self respect..wich i for sure dont want...i used to be really good in studies..when all of the sudden i started getting bad grades,everyoneone in the family got shocked..noone knew what i was going through,my mom thot that i spoilt my result because of the frends which for sure wasnt the reason,and i still get taunts for not getting the good grades,my grades werent that bad but were not to the xpectations of my mother too:(..to be honest i got to know about sex and all when i was in standard 10,usse pehle mujhe in sub cheexon ka nhi pata nha,that also i from my frends.my mom has really worked hard for us,i can never tell her about what had happened to me in the past..she will for sure get an heartattack:(,ALLAH na kare...my mum already has so many burdens on her shoulder,and i dont want to create more troubles for her..whenever she talks about me getting married,i keep telling her that i will never get married...i cant let her down:(....people say if a girl who is sexually abused and awl has a loose vagina,dis is awl i have been reading on the websites...and one moree thing at times i think mujhmein aur ek prostitute mein phr kia fark hoga:(?dunchu think i will be betraying my husband for hiding all this:(??
if there is no way of telling if a girl is a virgin or no?then why cant a prostitute lead a peaceful life,if this is so tphr tou her lerki shadi se pehle sex kerskti heh..i m sorry i am being too open:(.i have awl such questions in my mind,and obviously cant ask my mom or anyone..rep awaited..
thanks for the support
Dear Sister Helpless,
You said: "mujhmein aur ek prostitute mein phr kia fark hoga:(?dunchu think i will be betraying my husband for hiding all this:(??" This translated from Urdu to English is: "What is the difference between me and a prostitute?"
Sister, a prostitute is someone who exchanges 'sex' for money or something else. You were forced to have sexual relations, you were a child and you were forced by a man, so what happened to you does not make you in to a prostitute at all. You are a victim in all this and as the other writers said, you are still a virgin in spirit.
You keep mentioning 'virginity', 'betrayal', 'husband' 'marriage'. Sister, the big build up to marriage is not about having kept your virginity. You have done nothing wrong, so you are not betraying your husband by keeping this information from him. By choosing not to tell your husband that you were raped, you are protecting your privacy which you have an absolute right to. If when you are married you feel close enough to share this with your husband, then I think that is a good thing - only because he can comfort and help you through as a spouse should do. This will be your call obviously, but for now, you are worrying about irrelevant things.
If you want peace of mind, take the 'prostitution' thing out of your mind, it has absolutely nothing to do with your case. You are highly confused and I wish you would try to get some counselling, not from your mother, or sister or friends. They are too close to you and will no doubt be very upset for you. If you see an independant counsellor, they will help to dispel all the thoughts that a circling your mind.
Something that concerns me sister, is that the person who raped you, may still be doing the same thing to other children/women. Once you are feeling stronger in yourself, you may want to consider confiding in someone so this man can be identified. Not to name and shame him, but to protect other children/women from him.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
pplease type full english for those that don't understand !
All I can say is keep it between you and allah and inshallah youll find strength that way. I think you it'd still be in tact in the sense that youre probably still a virgin after all those years its probably ''closed / healed up' again . even if theres no way to be sure you cant live your life this way when youve done nothing wrong and im sure if youre pious and devoted to allah he will sort all your problems- your husband will be happy with you and there will be nothing to worry about because remember youre not in wrong and youve done nothing wrong and youre not to blame
please sister stay strong youl be fien inshallah and remember allah never fails he is the greatest .x
i dunt have a personal laptop so i have to be really careful when i open this page because any of my siblings can come at any time..
I'm very sorry to hear about this situation - unfortunately it is something that is common and sadly the perpetrators are not punished and families want to brush things under the carpet.
You are a very brave woman and I'm honored to have heard your story. A good man will not let something like this destroy your relationship with him. A good man will listen to you and urge you to share this with him. He will reassure you that he loves you regardless and will not let something like this destroy something good the two of you share.
Obviously this is something that will be difficult to share - but rest assured good guys will accept you for who you are. If they don't or blame you for it - then you have dodged a bullet.
I pray for your continued strength- Ameen.
Salam
i think that you are very brave.
my friend (who is now 18) told me that she was raped when she was also 7. i thought that she was ok now, but a few weeks ago she said that she had tried to kill herself. i feel that her situation is similar to yours, helpless23. she has only told me about her suicide attempt and only told her sister and i about being raped. she is scared that her future husband and/or family will find out that she isn't a virgin and disown her... and she says that she feels trapped and 'dirty'. as a friend i am so scared that one day she won't be here any more. i can't imagine life without her.
i think that you should definitely call a helpline for rape victims. i've done some internet research with my friend and we found that many helplines are free and they are all confidential and non-judgemental.
or you could tell someone that you trust, like a close friend.. when you are alone with your problem everything can feel dark and hopeless.. but telling someone you trust can show you a light. and please don't think that you are letting anyone down. it wasn't your fault and the only person who has been let down is you.
please don't keep this to yourself sister!!!! if you are already thinking about suicide it is a sign that you need help. it's not weak to ask.. it takes a lot of strength. also, what happened to you doesn't mean that you are not a virgin. it was not sex, it was sexual abuse.. and they are very different things-- you were forced to lose your virginity. your spirit is beautiful and pure, and no one can take that away from you. 'virgin' is just a word, a label, but you are still the same person inside 🙂
i hope that this helps you feel that you are not alone.. and that you can get outside help without your family/friends knowing. a problem shared is a problem halved.