Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Everyday I choose between life and death

Hands raised in dua

Asslamualaikm,

I need your help as soon as possible ...brothers and sisters I´m a 17 old years child! I´m in class 12, the most important year of my career.. I met a muslim girl in class 10th when I joined a nearby tution centre..at starting I had no feelings for her. I never looked at her. Even she was not at all interested in me but after some days we talked on a social netwrking site and further on private email just like friends. After some time my parents went to hajj.

I was living in my grand mothers home...we still chatted on the net..and met in tution everyday just..after some time we grew more of each other..we started asking each othre wether anyone of us had a boyfriend or a girlfriend in the past or now..and we both answered no...at that time i was a very innocent, hard working, obeying and a religious child...after two three days we proposed each other..

That was the time I promised to myself that this will be the girl whom I will marry..and no other girl will ever come in my life..we chatted everyday..talked on the fone..met in tuition alone...and we also commited huge sins by physically contacting with each other because we didn´t knew it was wrong, our love grew more and more....after 1 month or so she told me that she had a boyfriend in her school who was a non muslim for 2 months.....as I was a very inocent child at that time I forgave her thinking that two months is not a long time and they must have been only good friends...then I started loving her more because she told me the truth....

After 11-12 months of our relation a guy from her school told me that the nonmusllim boy and she were commited for 3 years and not 2 months...I thought that he was lying ..but when I asked my her her reaction was very different..she said I don´t wan to talk to you ..then I thought may be she is lying to me.. I was heartbroken at this stage..everyday I asked her and she said no...she wasted a lot of my time in this...but after some time she told me everything about her past relation.....she told that they were together for three years and they even had physical contacts...I was killed by her that time....my life was destroyed...I cried everyday asking her is it right or wrong...i still wanted to hear from her that all that was just a lie and nothing happened in her past because I loved her...but it all happened...it changed my life.

I became a bad doer..a wrong boy everytime going on the wrong path......I forgave her even after all this and I´m still with her...I forgot her past everything....I had lost faith in everything..in myself..I couldn´t concentrate on studies,...I wasted my 1 year of academics and still I´m stuck in those things...after some time when she realized that she has done very bad with me she started feeling guilty...and now today she has become the most religious and correct girl i have ever seen..and i have lost my religion and everything.....she is still with me maybe bwcoz she is guilty of what she has done with me...but I´m with her because I love her...

Now i have no more time left to do anything successful in life.....everyday i choose between life and death by commiting suicide coz i m not able to do anything good that can make my parents proud of me..i have told her this thing but she says dont think like this and just concentrates on herself her life and her religion..she knows coz of her i have lost my religion...but she stiil only concentrates on her..now that she has become a religios girl she often asks me to leave the relation coz she thinks it it haraam which hurts mea a lot coz i love her purely and i never thot of anything wrong for her...i waste my time more becoz of this...she never understands...but now she is more responsible, loves me more(but is that love only comes from her guilt?) ....but i m still a wrong person...i lost my religion..´

i want to go back to islam but i can´t ..things don´t let me do so...please help me ..i need allah i need islam in my life again....and the reason i dont want to leave her is that i think I´m responsible for her, she is my amanat..i have to b her husband...coz ipromised and also i love her......but i m not able to do study so that i can become something in life..what should i do now..i dont have time.....i m not able to get Allah's mercy and help..i need ur help people.. i m stuck in life..i think of suicide everyday...PLZ HELP....I KNOW MOST OF YOU WILL NOT READ THIS POST COZ ITS TOO LONG BUT I KNOW ALLAH WILL MAKE U READ MY POST!!! PLZ HELP A MUSLIM!!

- Amaan

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18 Responses »

  1. Dear Brother

    You need to calm your self down. Take a deep breath and think carefully about what you are saying. re-read your post again and again and notice at the end a beautiful ray of hope in what you've written.

    You've said you want to come back to Islam. My brother, all you have to do is repent for your sins. right now you're feeling overwhemled because of everything that is hapening around you, with you and in you.
    But start from the inside out. Start with your prayers, be constant, start with repentence, God will forgive you, for all your sins my little brother, you have no need to despair. You are so young, so sweet, you have your whole life left, so don't think its all over or that you have no time- thats just the devil making you despair.

    Sit down and write down the things you wish to do. think calmly and have hope in the future- God will make it all well for you brother- why are you so worried.
    Take action- its your life, but as a sister i would advise you to remove yourself away from this girl- i'm happy that she has chnaged and wishes to put an end to this relationship- don't you tihnk shes right??
    You're only feeling like this becasue deep down you know you are sinning- this is Gods way of taking you out of this state of sin.
    Stay away from this girl and return to your studies- if it helps then speak to a counsellor, maybe for a few months just to clear your head. Go away for a holiday with your family to remove yourself from this environment but please brother do your salaah, recite the quran, join study circles. You need to do things which distract you from all this.

    Insh-allah when you are older, maybe you can marry this girl- maybe in another year or so- but don't you think you will need to get better before that?? Make yourself stronger by learning about your deen.
    Don't give up on your life, on your studies- insh-allah your parents will be proud of you when they see your achievements in the future.
    But don't tihnk about ending your life- its a gift and God has chosen you for this test becasue He loves you- and wants you to turn to Him.

    I pray that hope that you find peace.

  2. Amaan,

    As the mother of three sons, with one of mine also seventeen years old, here's my take on your situation. You are not a child Amaan...you, are nearly a man. You said it yourself, this is the most important year of your career. You need to take control of your life here son...not think of ending it. Get out of the chat rooms and quit talking to this girl or any girl for that matter. Before you think of marriage...ever, think about your education. You are finishing up high school, what do you want to major at in College? Think about your education Amaan because that is your future.

    I can see you have been hurt from the deceit and all the lies and dishonesty that have come from this relationship. So, my question to you is...why do you not open up your eyes here and realize that this whole situation is not good or healthy for you? I know you say you love her and that is okay. What is not okay here is how you feel and how you think ending your life will fix this some how...it will not. Think about your parents and your family and how the loss of you would impact their lives because...they all love you.

    Son...you have not lost your religion, you have lost your faith. You have lost your faith in humanity and all that is good. Be happy for this young girl who is finding herself and knows her past deeds were wrong and who is trying to be a better person by bringing herself closer to Allah. You should follow her lead and do the same.

    As for this "relationship"...son, you need to let go. I know I make it sound so simple and all and I don't mean to trivialize your situation or the love you feel for this young girl in the least. Now is the time to focus on your future and your studies, nothing more.

  3. I really thank both of you to understand my situation to the deepest and help me overcome each and every doubt of my life. i dont know why u both want to help me. i mean u dont even know me. as i was reading ur commens i had tears in my eyes. i had to read it several times to overcome my fears of my future, now i know that no matter how bad ur situation is how long u carry it with you but one fine day allah tala will help u from the sources u never imagined.. as said by u i had really lost faith in humanitty and all the goodness because i thought that this is world is only made for the clever ones. but after getting ur unreasonable help i know that Allah never does injustice.. irealized that no matter how i love that girl or how much she loves me she will never get married to me by her parents until i dont become a good muslim and a succesful person.. now i have realized that i have to have faith in allah first then i have to study hard for my parents and family and then only think about that girl....i have to first do my farz then only i can ask Allah tala for her.. am not at all depressed now because i know this was only a test for me conducted by Allah tala who wanted me to become stronger..I did many wrong things thoruoghout this but i m sure if i regret by heart and ask for hs forgiveness he will forgive me and help me in my future..as for u both i can only say that u both are the most helpful person i have got to talk. thanks a lot.. i will never forgive you in my prayers.

    • Thanks a lot......I know my Allah send you both to help me!! I cant thank Him nor u for this!!!

      • my dear brother

        I'm so happy to hear that you are re-assessing your situation. You sound like a mature and good man- and i believe in my heart of hearts that one day soon you will come out of this a better man and a better Muslim.
        For now, pray to Allah day and night. Do things to please your parents and when you see the happiness in thier eyes you will feel peace in your heart.
        No misery lasts for ever my dear brother- everything will pass- what will remain is your iman and your good deeds.
        As Muslims it is our duty to help each other- its what makes Islam a beautiful way of life.

        I pray Allah makes it easy for you.

    • Amaan,

      Thought about you a lot today and even though I too do not know you, I could see from your plea that you are a genuine person reaching out for help and that is why I reached out to you as I'm certain Hafsa did. You have no idea how glad I am to see that you are feeling better and your thoughts are focusing on what is important in your life right now. If you would care to share, I would love to know what you plan to do once you finish your senior year. Is there something that you would like to study at University...something you have a passion for? I would be most interested to hear from you regarding what steps you are taking to make your future become a reality. I also would like to thank you for your prayers Amaan. Prayers are a beautiful thing...a gift if you will. Please keep us posted, we care very much about you and what you plan to do once out of school.

      • What a kind and thoughtful message.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Wael,

          Thank you for your kind words, I simply have a love of people. If I can help a fellow Muslim through my writing via the use of this amazing website, I am honored to do so.

          Warm Regards

      • najah mashallah you are the sweetest person, you have no idea how happy it makes me to know that there are women out there with a heart as beautiful as yours, especially during a difficult time of my life where i was losing hope in humanity. May Allah bring you health and happiness inshallah we would all be SO lucky to have someome like you in our lives x

        • Yasmine,

          I had a really bad day today and was feeling low when I read your kind words. You have no idea how you lifted up my spirits today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. May Allah also bring you a life filled with love, happiness, health and a good and pious Muslim to share your life with...amin.

          Salam

  4. Najah aunt thanks a lot for caring so much for me. i thought my problem was really big but after having of ur help i realized that it was just distraction and nothing elsee..now i will change myself and Allah will help me...
    i m really glad to see the timings u comment on my post. i never thought i would get help on this website to such a great extent ..i mean icant imagine u comeenting on my post at 4.34 am..thanks a lot..

    aunt i am a science student. i m preparing for the entrance exam for Indian Institute of Technology which is held every year in the country and is considered to b one of the most difficult exams in the country. once i clear that which i will inshaAllah(right na), then i will do my B.tech from there...after that i will gor for higher studies in physics because i love physics and i really want to do something in physics....

    Mr Wael i really thank you for making this website on which without hesiitation many of the muslims in differnt problems can ask for help ..

    • Amaan,

      Whilst you sleep, my day in coming to an end. As I write, it is nearly eleven in the evening my time. I am an American and I accepted Islam when I was 21 years old. I had read up on many books about Islam but still was not ready to accept Islam into my heart. I found a fellow Muslimah and asked her, "how do I know if I am ready", to which she replied..."have you read the Quran?" I had not and somehow, I did not want to open the book. I was afraid to open the Quran and read it but I cannot tell you why...I did not know myself at the time. Someone gave to me a copy of the Quran written by Yusif Ali. I am told he was one of the best translators of the Quran into the English language. I cannot tell you how long I had that Quran until I finally did open it and begin to read and when I did...there was no stopping. Alhumdulilah, I knew I had found what I needed in my life. I believe that Allah loves me dearly and I don't think I would ever have looked or tried to learn about Islam had I not been given the books to read in the first place. I am truly blessed and I know it.

      You seem like a very bright young man and I'm sure no matter what you have done in the past, your parents love you dearly. There is not a man or women that walks this earth who has not sinned or made mistakes, what is important is that we recognize it and learn from them. You must be extremely intelligent and disciplined (mashalla) to want to major in Physics.That most definitely is a career path that will allow you to financially care for a family in addition to your parents. The very best of luck to you in your upcoming exam, and know that we will all be thinking of you.

      Salam

  5. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME PLEASE .. IREALLY WANT TO MAKE MY PARENTS PROUD..I REALLY HAVE DONE VERY WRONG WITH THEM..PLEASE PRAY FOR MY FUTURE.

    • Amaan,

      Have you taken your exams yet? God willing you will do well. Hope all is going well for you and your family.

  6. Assalamualaikum
    get married to her

  7. Assalamualaikum
    sorry didnt read your latest inputs in which you have mashAllah sorted out your situation.
    May Allah succeed you in your life and akhira ameen

  8. Salam ash... I dont think d statement u made is ok., it sound kiddish( as najah is only trying 2 deviate his mind so as 2 think nd talk about something better) najah is a good nd caring american woman who knows how 2 transmit d massage( da'awah, advice etc) will all d hikmah... finally i would like 2 congratulate her 4 reverting 2 d religion of peace.(islam).., wassalam

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