Islamic marriage advice and family advice

choosing dad over a guy is it right?

I am 18 and the guy. I still love is 30..  He is from a different nationality but he is a very good muslim and he respects me alot..  We dated for a year and did alot except zinaa..  And I'm still feeling really guilty and shameful for whatever. I have done.

When my parents found out about it, especially my father; he couldnt accept this relationship..  His excuse was that first he's too old and second he's from a. different country..  My dad says if I do marry him, I will have a bad reputation. Also. I wont have my parents blessings.

Because. I really love my dad,. I did what he said.. . I left the guy..  But since then. I feel really guilty and cursing my self every time. I think of him..  Whatever. I have done was haram and at the end another sin which. I broke his heart for the sake of my father.

I pray to Allah everyday and ask him to either punish me or forgive me.. 

Please help me and tell if I did anything wrong?.  If. I would choose the guy, my dad would go away from my life (thats how he said) and when. I choose him,. the guy got hurt and I feel very guilty and shameful for whatever have happened between us.

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2 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah.

    This is a difficult situation, and there is no easy "you'll feel better tomorrow" solution.

    You say that you dated for a year and did "a lot except zinaa". This would indicate to me that neither you nor this man know your responsibilities as Muslims, and your relationship was based on the haraam instead of pleasing Allah. At his age, he should be mature enough to know better, and he took advantage of your young age. This is exactly why Islam puts a barrier between men and women and does not allow free mixing. If he had seen you somewhere and was interested in you, the correct thing to do would have been to talk to your father, since your father is your wali (guardian). This would have been a protection for you, so you would not have developed an inappropriate romantic relationship with someone before marriage. As you can see, the result is a broken family and a broken heart. It will take time for you to heal from this, but you can get over this and get on with your life.

    I don't know if the young man you speak of would be a good husband or not, but since your father refuses, you cannot marry him. A woman must have the permission of her wali before she can marry. Knowing your history, I have to side with your father on this - the fact that the man was willing to date you for a year and even come close to zinaa shows he would not be good "husband material". If he REALLY respected you, he would not have dated you. The age is not my concern; if he is weak in this area, what other areas is he weak in?

    I know you are angry right now at your father and you feel like it is HIS fault that you and this man are no longer together. The opposite is true; you should have not been together in the first place, and your father is doing his job as a Muslim to protect you. You should try to get over being angry at your father, and instead make du'a to Allah and thank him for giving you a father who cares for you and has concern for your future. Do not ask Allah to punish you, but instead acknowledge your mistake and ask Him to forgive you. If you repent and turn to Him, and promise to not return to this sin, He will forgive you.

    Now, I know your father says he is against this man because he is older and he is a different nationality, so I do want to say that these are not valid reasons for refusing a marriage proposal. If the situation were different, if the man had acted honorably and asked your father to marry you, and your father had refused for no reason other than this, then my advice would be somewhat different. I would say that if you are in a Muslim country, you could petition to have your father removed as wali because he is being unreasonable by refusing a good Muslim suitor. Then you could make the decision to either do that, or side with your father. But since you did have an inappropriate relationship with this man, I really think that it would be hard for you to have a healthy marriage. The exception to this would be if you both sincerely repented and stayed away from each other 100% for an extended time, say six months or a year, and then you re-evaluated to see if the feelings you had for each other or were simply the result of your close contact. Then, you could talk to your father again and decide if you were willing to break your relationship with him over this man. Either way, it would be a very difficult decision.

    For now, concentrate on the present. Don't think about your father OR this man. Think about yourself and your relationship with Allah. Consider the sins you committed, feel bad about them, repent from them, and ask Allah to forgive you. Pray the five daily prayers, fast sunnah fasts, and try to wake up in the night sometimes for the night prayer. If you are in school, busy yourself with your studies. Learn more about your rights and responsibilities as a Muslimah by visiting beneficial websites, such as our sister site zawaj.com and others. Surround yourself with religious Muslim women who will help you be strong. At the end of six months, or nine, or more or less, you may find you are not thinking about this man at all, and you were in some sort of "puppy love" instead of being committed to a man who would be the one to help you complete half your deen.

    Time is a great healer and time will also help to clarify the situation, so give yourself time to go through this process and inshAllah you will come out on the other side with a greater love for your father and an appreciation of Islam.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  2. Salam Aleykom Noorah sister, thank you so much for taking ur time in answering for my problem. May Allah reward you for all ur help!

    i just want to say that i wasnt and im still not mad at my dad, im mad at myself. and the complicated part was that my dad and this guy couldnt speak one language. also, my dad refused this because he thought that the guy was using me and all that. he was saying that maybe this guy has family and wife back home,whos single at age of 30. well my dad couldnt even a bit trust him even though he never met him.

    well anyways now i realized my mistake and i pray al the time to Allah to be with me always and forgive me.
    just the way u said i should stay away from him, i am doing it i went on vacation for 4 months to my family and now i feel much better. also soon im starting my education,so ill take ur advace and concentrate on my studys more. 🙂 thank you very much for ur reply.

    salam,

    Lena

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