Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Choosing the right spouse… Am I being too fussy?

Righteous Husband

ASA brothers and sisters

i have resorted to come on here and seek Islamic advice from someone who is much wiser than myself... I am a 22 year old British Muslim who can be very confused and indecisive! I am in a dilemma where I am in the process of choosing a spouse for my self as I have the intention to have my nikkah by the end of the year insha'Allah. I have been to umrah twice now alhamdulilah so I intend to marry someone with on his deen as I hope he can influence me & push me further in my deen... However... My question is, how important is physical appearance?? I mean every one has their own type of taste in a person... As I have my own. I have recently had a proposal where MashaAllah he is on his deen, well mannered, ambitious and is a god fearing man. But I'm not attracted to him! This obstacle is really putting me off this man... I am aware looks fade but how important is physical appearance? My insecurity is that I am not attracted to him but at the same time I do not want to lose a good proposal... Please advice me on this situation what would you recommend?

 JazaAkAllah

nisa14

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8 Responses »

  1. Simple if your not attracted to a particular man DO NOT MARRY HIM. Do not even use him or kid yourself this will work think long and hard before saying yes.

    You have a right to marry someone you feel comfortable, attracted and feel some sort of connection with.

    I honestly believe looks are not everything it is what the heart counts with the right intentions something really hard to find these days.

  2. Sister,

    My daughter has turned down what I would deem, three good proposals. As her mother I would have loved her to accept the third proposal because in my opinion, he had good character and came from a very good family. She however did not find any attraction to him and thus said no. So...now she is 24 and would love to be married but she wants to be attracted to a man she chooses to marry and lets be honest...that is her right.

    I myself have been married for 35 years. Initially, I was not attracted to my husband at all. Nothing...nada. He was not particularly attractive in my opinion however when I got to know him, I found he was quite funny and had a beautiful character about him. He is thoughtful and those are wonderful qualities to be had in anyone. I think his character is what made me fall in love with him because even though he can be a total jerk sometimes, he really is a good man. Do I have regrets? Not at all.

    No one can tell you what to do. If you haven't made Istikhara...go ahead and perform it. No one can perform it on your behalf...just you. Follow your gut instincts because they are often spot on even though we often find ourselves questioning what we feel. May Allah guide you to what is best for you and no matter what you choose, trust in yourself that you have made the decision that you are ultimately comfortable with.

    Salam

  3. nisa14: I have been to umrah twice now alhamdulilah so I intend to marry someone with on his deen as I hope he can influence me & push me further in my deen...

    You have been to Umrah twice and want to marry someone who can influence you and push you further in deen. Would you marry an Imam or a Quran teacher, I am sure they will make you more religious?

    But looks seem to be the most important thing. You did not talk about education or profession. Religion and looks seem to be the most important things for you.

    You are not alone, most people want attractive spouse but they also look for education, profession and character.

  4. Sis there are many good men out there so do not settle for any guy who your heart isn't feeling happy about. You deserve the best and you have EVERY RIGHT TO BE FUSSY! This is your life partner, husband and the man who you will live with, have intimacy and kids with you should marry someone who you are happy with and feel 100% about. Do not settle for less. It doesn't matter how good he may seem if you aren't convinced then there must be a reason why. Pray istikhara inshallah and just see how things go and if things don't work out then another guy just as good or even better will come along inshallah

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    There are some people who are attracted to one another like nothing but later this doesn't last because bad manners and bad habits is an even bigger turnoff and deal breaker--other people start off their marriage not so into each other, but later, with love, affection, good manners, acts of gratitude and so forth make their partner more attractive than anything.

    You are young, and it is natural to think how you do. I always think that life would be ideal to have youth and energy of the young mixed with wisdom from the more experienced--this is difficult to achieve. Talk to people your age and people older than yourself so that you can find out what will matter to you the most in a few years down the road. Whatever that thing is, it should play a significant role in your decision.

    I suggest that you think very carefully about this, pray Isthikhara, ask Allah for guidance and inn shaa Allah, you will know the answer. This isn't about being fussy or losing an opportunity--it is about being patient, wise and avoiding haste in a very important decision.

    May Allah grant you a marriage full of peace and love, Ameen.

  6. asalamu alaikum,

    attraction is like a double edge sword. remember attraction comes in all forms.
    you can have attraction for someone and loose the attraction just like that, on the contrary you can have no attraction for someone but by seeing the person few times, seeing his personality/character/deen in person you can easily develop attraction for that person. nothing is set in stone, so give it a chance. if you get attracted with his personality/character/deen then in over time it will get better.

    a lot of sisters discard good potential spouse solely on attraction, but without understand that it can develop, so by giving a chance, you may find the person to lead your family in dunya and akhira..

    I've seen few arrange marriages where couples didn't like each other, but in due time they develop attraction/love and now they are in-separable. so give it a chance by talking to him in person more etc, also don't be too fast to come to an conclusion and dont rush into marriage..

    so many sisters who married solely on attraction are having second thoughts. most women get swayed by attraction and get emotional. look at the bigger picture.

    in Islam you look for 2 things in a spouse, his character and deen.. if your still not happy, then go your separate ways. you will have plenty more chances Insha'Allah.

    ma salama..

  7. You have every right to marry a attractive personality but it is very difficult to get a complete package like looks, deen , good characters and good profession.You will miss some or other stuff there..If you don't find him attractive then it will be difficult to enjoy your Sex life and you might not appreciate his other good qualities .If you find him physically attractive but if he is not religious or of not so good character then that attraction will go away slowly but still Sex will be enjoyable due to good physical appearance .Also you need to ask yourself if you are physically attractive realistically to attract a attractive guy else he will be disappointed ..Marriage is kind of gamble and you need to take some decision at some point of time

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