Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Chose mum over the girl of my dreams

Asalamulaikum brothers/sisters,

I'm going through a very difficult time at the moment and really need some help/advice on how to get through it.

i am an 18yr old boy living in the west, there was this girl who's family we were very close with and I loved the girl for a long time, to the extent i made dua for something to work out for us on umrah and during a whole tawaf, but never said anything for fear of ruining the close family ties. One day however after returning from umrah I told the girl my feelings and she told me she felt the same way and from there we started moving forward. Once we told our families they weren't happy as they felt we had been 'dating' behind their backs, although this wasn't really the case. Also my family weren't too keen on this relationship as they felt that this girl wasn't the right one for me and someone else would be better suited. However we both managed to convince our families that this was what we wanted and that we would prove ourselves ie carrying on and focusing with unis etc and they all became happy and the 'rishta' was sorted. However this lasted for approx 2months afterwhich everything fell apart. Various little issues kept creeping up and my parents became unhappy with my choice of girl. At the end I had to call it off, leaving both me and the girl in a very very bad way, for my mums sake as things had become very tense in the house with my parents crying at night very upset.

I know islamically that parents know best etc and that jannah lies beneath the feet of your mother which is why I felt I had to as she wasn't happy. I still love this girl however and I don't know how to get over her. We shared so many memories together and I worked so hard to make this work as she was the girl I had always dreamed of even made dua for in Makkah/Madina. I loved her and still do so much. My parents are starting to be normal with me now but it's not the same as deep down inside i know I blame my mum for my relationship ending. I've been told that after struggle comes ease and everything happens for a reason but I'm just so broken. I'm an 18yr old boy who cries to himself almost daily for what's happened. I had to chose between my parents and the girl of my dreams and I chose my parents. But I need help to get over this heartbreak.

Please can someone advice me on how I can make this pain go away and how I can get over this. I honestly feel so helpless, suicidal thoughts keep coming to mind but I know this is haram, I have a very loving and caring family who try but I can't stop thinking about this girl. please can someone help me!!


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9 Responses »

  1. What your mum did was wrong, she had no right to emotionally black mail you to give up the girl you wanted to marry. It's not right to have a sinful premarital relationship but there is no sin in choosing the person you want to marry. If there was nothing wrong with her, and she was a girl of good deen and character, what were their reasons for telling you the break the engagement?

    You've got two choices - either listen to your mum and break it off with this girl so that she finds a man who will treat her right. In a way it's actually a blessing in disguise that you let her go, things would've only gotten worse for her after the marriage especially if your mum continued to emotionally blackmail you, only Allah knows how she would've treated your wife out of resentment, probably ending up breaking your marriage too.

    The other option is to Learn how to handle your parents with dignity and respect but also remember that when your wife comes into the picture regardless of who she is, you need to be able to give her equal respect and fulfil her rights too.

    • Most of the cases I have seen when these type of boys/girls gets separated due to parents objection and marries other boy/girl .
      And when their marriage gets some challenges in life they starts comparing their old boyfriend/girl friend . Even in many cases they form haraam relation ship with exes after marriages ...

      So it is difficult to say it is blessing in disguise for the girl as other new guy after marriage might be suffering and similarly the another new girl in this boys life might suffer due to past thrilling love dramas (which will be totally opposite when they get married )

      I suggest this man to just go ahead and get marry to this girl with her parents permission .Your parents might be upset for some time but things will cool down after few years ..

      When you are forcibly getting married to your parent's choice you are not doing any great work instead you will be destroying the life of your new spouse ..

  2. My strong advise to you is MARRY THE GIRL OF YOUR CHOICE. You will regret this and I am sorry to say your parents are so wrong to do this to YOU. WILL you want your parents permission to do things with your wife I dont think so we all have to grow up and take responsibility. MasAllah you know what you want in life grab it dont leave it too late and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

    At the end of the day you are 18 your an adult your in your right to marry a woman of your choice ISLAM allows this. You need to STOP letting your parents control you. Parents dont always have the right intentions for their children's and I strongly believe that every child should stand up to their parents. Especially when marriage is concerned I rather be happy than leading a life of misery by keeping my parents happy sorry but being good all the times doesnt do you any favors. I really hope you follow your heart because you deserve to be happy not happy to keep others happy.

    • Couldnt agree more ... when it comes to mariage people try to please their family completely forgetting the fact He or She will be living with the spouse and not His or Her parents. People just dont think and whats worse is parents put their children in such a position ... truly disgraceful and all they have is Izzat or whatever other stupid deals they made with relatives when the child was born.

      The subject of Marriage shows how backward some parents really are ... mess the kids life up completely but it doesnt matter because Izzat is intact, and when the couple divorce then wheres the Izzat?

      I think like you say Men and Women need to stand up at this very precious and important time ... and not do anything they are not comfortable with. I'm not saying it will be easy to stand up to some parents but you have to think about yourself and not others when it comes to marriage. Obviously if Deen or Character are the reason parents are not happy with a proposal then thats right however if its something stupid and the proposals deen and chaaracter is good then they are well out of order to prevent this marriage from going ahead ... They will have to account for their actions one day.

      Any convos with parents should obviously be all done in a loving manner.

      May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong ... Ameen. And May Allah Bless all the single brothers and sisters with beautiful pious spouses ... Ameen.

  3. Asalamoalaikum,

    I think you need to sit down with your parents and ask them what reasons they have for rejecting this proposal. They need to tell you exactly why they feel this girl is not suitable for you as a wife.

    If their reasons are valid, such as they see concerns regarding her character, her practice towards deen, etc. then you know you've made the right decision. If however their reasons are trivial such as it seems like she won't "fit in" or she "talks too much", etc. then you know their reservations are baseless.

    After you've established this fact, you need to decide if you still want to marry this girl or not. I suggest you pray salat-ul-istikhara and make duaa to Allah swt to guide you and make you satisfied with His decision.

    Just know that if you marry this girl against your parents wishes, they may never accept her and may even try to create problems. You both need to be prepared to protect your marriage if such circumstances occur.

    -Helping Sister

  4. I have problem like yours. Choosing your family or the one you love. I wish this is free world. Yes, Jannah lies beneath the feet of your mother. But now it's like i am living in hell. My heart broken, my life full of sufferings and tears. And i am always thinking of ending my life. I regret the day i was born. All i know is pain.

    P.s. Maybe it is better when i am gone..

    • Marwah, as-salamu alaykum. You should not think like that. Death solves nothing, because then you must face Allah and the consequences of your actions. I know nothing about your situation, but feelings for a particular person fade over time. I know that's hard to believe at this point, but it's true. Life, on the other hand, goes on. New love appears. Your situation changes in this way or that way. Be patient, and make dua to Allah to grant you happiness.

      Wael Editor

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