Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Chronic health problems and marriage problems


Health Problems ratios in men and women



Please can someone help me I need some advice. I am in a difficult position as I have many  SERIOUS problems in my life.  I'll try to make this short  but there's  lot I need  to say. I apologies if it does not make sense. I am 24 years old and I have quite sevear cfs( chronic fatigue syndrome)/ m.e. the name does not describe  the seriousness of the poorly misunderstood illness. I got this illness after I had my son at 18 yrs And still have it now.See I got married unexpectedly at 16yrs. when we went abroad  to get my older sister married. but somehow i too ended up in getting married to my cousin. i wasn't forced but i did feel some pressure and wanted to  please my parents and do something great. As i was getting married to a poor cousin. ( i think we all can get an idea what's happens in these situation). i thought i was mature and responsible. but i had no idea the responsibility and stress  that came in getting  married to someone abroad. though i never really thought  about marriage at 16. i never expected to marry someone as so differant to me as my husband. lookswise i never dreamed of getting married to someone how was shorter them me!! and i was considered short at  5"3. i made  sacrifice. i was very hopefull and naive that me and my husband would love eachother so much and get through anything happily.


unfortunately, that was not the husband treated me like a princess ( because he liked me and probably because i was a British?) and would always say he loved me so much and would say things like he would die for me. He built me up and made me a little big headed with unrealistic expectations . Few months after I left abroad to go back to the uk my husband had touched 2 other woman sexually  though he did not have a full on affair with them. but i did not know of this untill  2 yrs after. After i came bk to the UK( we lived as i married couple for about a week before i came bk) things  started  changing  and we did not get on so well. we would even argue over the phone. Things didn't get much better when he came to the UK a year later. Though we got on most times we would still have arguments. His praise for me was reducing and it was frustrating me. at the same time i was still pushing myself to be In love with him. now that i look back on it i know we were both a fault. i was at fault as i should have been more wise and realised in reality love is differant i would have relaised that i had unrealistic expectations .growing up i didnt have a true friend as i lived in a town that had just white people and i got picked on alot.( racist remarks) after i got marred we unexpectedly moved to a different town that had more Asian/Muslims but as i was out of education now i didn't have a chance to make friends. sadly while i was working all my collogues were much older.


so never  truly had a friend. i guess because this i expected alot from my husband as I am alone.It did not take long for me to get pregnant and things got even worse when we should have been very happy. though Iam not really sure how things got so bad( maybe my hormonal mood swings and high  expectations) but my husband hit me a few times and i refused to be this typicall Asian women how took it like my mum so i argued back and hit bk too. i was very unhappy with my relationship and sometimes would cry so much at night in the corner of the room. i was hearbrocken that my dream of being happily married and having a baby in a happy marriage wasn't my reality. Though i had no regrets of being pregnant. i had already formed a strong bond with the baby inside of me, and this baby was macking me strong and hopefull.Though  I was not very knowledgeable about my religion, islam I was still Conscious of Allah I and feared Allah alot. and hence never seriously contemplated a divorce as i thought it was a sin. not only that i was scared of my parent's reaction him being my relative . So I tried my best to  to be positive and carry on putting effort into the relationship afterall we did  get on sometimes. i tolled my hubby many times i NEED you and want you to be there  for the birth of our baby. all tough  he was quite hesitant  he said yeah he would be by my side for the birth. A few hours after I started labour I went into hospital and my hubby stayed with me For 2-3 hours but he got scared?? and left me.


my mum came to be by my side instead.  I was so deeply hurt ( and still Iam a little after all these years) and felt let down from him again. a few hours after he left i was ready to push, but things went horribly horribly wrong. After trying to push my baby out for 2 hours i was tolled i needed a emergency  ceasarian as the baby was getting distressed and body was getting weaker. i was heartbrocken  and almost felt like i was having a silent panick attack. i thought me or my baby was going to die. i begged Allah swt to help us.  After i was preped for the ceasarian the doctors at the last minet  wanted to try to pull the baby out with forceps. with Allah almighty mercy they were successful. although i was in pain and out of it, i was so happy to see my baby and wasn't bothered that my hubby missed this miracle. at least  my mum was there for me. but the excitement was short lived as i relaised there were doctor's and nurses running into my theater room.i looked at my mum and could see the look of horror on her face. i was bleeding heavly  and they were struggling to stop the bleeding. i was extremely scared but at the same time kept telling myself after all this struggle Allah would not take my baby from me now that i have seen After 2-3 hours of lying on the operation theater i was given a blood transfusion as i had lost 3 liters of blood and was finally ok. it was a struggle in the hospital and though it would get easier at home but it didn't.


my hubby didn't help me as much as he could even though i had gone through so much and was still weak and in so much pain. when my baby was 2 weeks i realaised something wasn't right as she was throwing up feeds. After trying to be taken seriously by the doctor's when she was nearly 4 weeks my baby was incredibly weak and was hospitalised and needed an operation. and you can imagine how any parent would feel. i felt hearbrocken and terrified. my hubby felt the same as me but it was me how had to handle everything. it was me how couldnt sleep at night and went to check and look after our baby while my hubby slept. even though my body was still weak. alhamdullilah my baby got better and is still healthy at preasent.  even after going through something like this. me and my hubby didn't get closer and the arguments continued. Infact 2 nights before we came home from the hospital i got extreamly fed up of my husband complaining  about food while i baby was suffering immensely with a stomach condition and couldn't have a feed for over a week and was put on the drip. She was in so much pain as the acid was building up in her stomach and then vomiting it up with blood. So i lost it and then slapped him across his face while shouting at him. I feel so ashamed i did this. But since that day i had lost my respect for him. As the months went by i realaised i was still weak so had some blood test done and that's when i truly realized something was wrong. but it was extremely hard to get anyone to believe me and help me.


i struggled looking after our a baby and working partime. Though my blood test showed abnormalties in my kidney . very little was done by the doctor's and my family to help me. i was dismissed and tolled to carry on as normal. but that was the problem as i couldn't carry on as normal as i felt so weak, fatigue ,dizzy and in pain too. i kept on struggling and went back to the doctor's for some help and answers. Blood test now showed my  results were ok. but i still was getting weaker. months past and nowone day, and this is truly a miracle i thought I'll google my symptoms and the results came back with thousands and i was about to give up an not bothering reading anything but  one condition catched my eye, cfs/m.e. i read about this illness and went to talk to my doctor about it. he agreed with the condition  but again tolled me not much you can do about it as there is no real cure so i should try to get on with my life. basically i was offered very little help and sometimes was given the wrong type of advice and help. having a diogonais didn't really make much differance at home. my family put the bare minimal effort to help me and sometimes my hubby did the same. After months of pusing myself to the limit physically and mentally i relapsed  and became bedbound. i couldn't not find the energy to do simple task such as stand for 2 minets or even eat. i couldn't concentre for more then 20 mins and couldnt sleep. i was absolutely terrified and was convinced i was dying. my hubby tried his best and looked after my son and me with the help of my mum but emotinally he didn't offer much support.


But as before more then physical  support  i would aprreciated emotional support as i was terrified and heart broken and desperately needed love and comfort . even today he is not on the same page as me as i still feel a cap between us. He dosent relly know me and although i myself have kinda figured him out. he can be incredibly emotionalless and hide his feelings very well. although i didnt relaise this before untill recently my husband does not communicate with me and does not take  anything i have to say seriously and this is what frustrates me and starts arguments. I have to continusly repeat myself  which exhausts me. A few months after i became bedbound the help started drying up. so i was forced to take up some of my responsibilities. i was extreamly concerned about my son and could not bear to give full control to my mum to look after him and not know what's happening. especially as she was relly busy and her parenting style with old fashioned and differant to mine. i hate asking for help as i always feel Iam burdening someone so  i didnt ask for help alot and sadly this gave the impression to my family Iam not as seriously ill and getting better.
Now at present Iam still in the same bad condition although Iam not as scared and anxious as before and this gives me the push and energy to get more done. i have more symptoms now such as unknown eye pain, stiffness and numbness on my head etc. In total i think i have about 30+ symptoms.Even though I have so many problems and symptoms in so much pain I try so hard to be positive and have an upbeat personality specially for my son.In february last year 2012 I went into rehabelation service for c.f.s for about a month  and although service was bad and could not help me. it gave me the chance learn about islam. and alhamdullilah it has changed me. Iam more at peace and less stressed, anxious, frustrated, and patient. Though i have a long way to go and still have my moments of depression . iam more at appreciative of the blessings around me and  see the positive of being ill. though Iam still terrified of dying.


Wth all this on my shoulders i dont know relly what to do about my relationship with my husband. At present his trying his best to help me by helping me by giving me the chance to rest, getting dinner ready etc though he has to say things like ufff , again, basically macking me feel like a burden.  he is also trying to listen to me but still dosent know much about my illness and probebly  won't be able to learn as there's no literature about cfs/ m.e. in his language . It's not good enough for me to explain to him either as i don't think he relly trust wait i say?! i feel he still dosent understand me and dosent know me and and are hearts/soul is disconnected. He pressurrises me alot about being intimate and though i appreciate he probably is not asking for it as much as the aeverage guy which shows his tacking consideration for my illness. But once the idea is in his head and he wants it he won't leave me alone and pressurrises me and makes me feel guilty afterwards. He almost becomes blind and ignores me even one i say Iam feeling so weak and shaky or feel breathless i can't. iv tolled him that being intimate absolutely drains  me and leaves me in a bad condition for a few hours even it it is delayed fatigue/symptoms and happens the next day. when he dosent understand this and dosent appreciate this it makes me not want to be intimate in the future  not only beacause of my health problems but mentally/emotionally too! which was hard to do anyway  because of the negative past and resentment .


i have also found out he looks at nude pictures of women though not porn. but apparently it's my fault that he has to turn to this?! many times i have tolled him don't do it as it's a sin and hurts me. he feels bad and promises not to do it,  but breaks that promise. don't know what to do anymore i do feel bad for him.But at the same time i don't understand at a time like this instead of me stressing out  and trying to figure out our relationship problems my main focus should have been finding a cure or a way to improve my health condition. I also think if he woke up and seriously looked our life and how many problems we have he wouldn't be so horny rather upset .
As you can see my life is a mess and don't know what to do. How can i get my family and my husband to understand me and help me? i feel a big part of me getting better  rest on them, letting me have bed rest and tacking over my responsibilties until  i feel able to handle more. I was advised by a private c.f.s speacalist to rest rest and listen to my body. how do i get my hubby to understand and support me emotionally? I wish that that my family could take over my responsibilties and look after my daughter probably when i can't so that i could put the little energy i do have in preying and coming closer to Allah.thankyou for reading this:-)




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10 Responses »

  1. Salaam sis. I am so sorry to hear about the condition you are in. I dont know what advise to give but i just wanted you to know im here for u. Your based in the uk, probably if your near or in luton i can help you physically and mentally inshaAllah. Keep reciting any duas u know.
    Recite Hasbunallahu wa niymal wakeel - Allah is sufficient for us. And recite Rabbi inni maglubun fantasir - My Lord! Verily i have been overpowered so help me.
    InshaAllah You will have the strength to stand in both feet to look after yourself and your child. My scincere duas are with you sister. Takecare of yourself.

  2. Salaam sis, you are in ny mind n duas i ask for Allah swt to give u shifa inshaAllah.
    This website is amazing chek thd pages out you will find help. Also i have found some dua for you to recite. Go on thd following link:

    Takecare inshaAllah.

  3. And those that turn to Allah sincerely imploring His aid should know that in reality it is Allah turning to His servant, for, “When Allah wants to be good to someone, He tries him with some hardship.” (Abu Hurairah)

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Chronic fatigue syndrome/M.E. is a difficult condition to live with - may Allah reward your patience and strength. Unfortunately, it's often misunderstood (as are many health conditions which aren't necessarily "visible" to the casual observer) so people can be less sympathetic than they would be in other circumstances. There are resources available to support you and your family though - if you aren't currently involved with a specialist service, it may be worth giving this another go. The specialist teams and rehabilitation services won't necessarily be able to make your CFS go away, but if you approach it as a challenge that they can help you overcome, you will be able, inshaAllah, to develop skills and strategies to manage your symptoms better. Remember that Allah is the greatest of healers, so make dua for strength and recovery - you might find the pages on this website useful for finding relevant duas (try the drop-down menus above?).

    There are also support groups you can join, both in person and online, which can give you valuable support and friendship from people who have shared similar experiences. There is a lack of reliable information resources in many languages, but you can ask your doctor to speak with your husband about your health difficulties. Some health boards will also provide translations of leaflets - it might be worth asking to see if your doctor could arrange for some of the information available to be translated.

    If you are feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities, then it might help to sit down with your specialist doctor or nurse and look at what you have to do - which things do you feel able to do comfortably, which are a challenge, when do you need extra time to recover? It's important not to give up all your responsibilities and activities, and very important not to hand your daughter's care over to another person when she needs her mum, but a balance can be struck. For example, if you know that going to the corner shop is a big challenge, you could schedule time to rest before and after going, and make sure that you don't have other particularly difficult jobs to do that day. If taking your daughter to the park leaves you exhausted and unable to do anything else, why not spend time with her inside your home or in the garden, where you could do something less physically draining, and then have an arrangement for her to go to the park with a relative? One of the most important management approaches for CFS is graded activity planning - your doctor or nurse will be able to tell you about it in more detail, inshaAllah.

    Your difficulties with your marriage seem to go beyond difficulties in understanding and living with your CFS, though. They may even be making your health worse, as conditions such as CFS can be exacerbated by stress. Regardless of whether he is in the mood for physical intimacy, if you aren't able to due to your health, he shouldn't be coercing you into it. He also shouldn't be looking at porn or having extra-marital relationships with other women. It might be worth getting some marital counselling, to see if you can resolve some of these issues and rebuild your marriage.

    Remember that people can and do recover from CFS, and even if people do not fully recover they are still able to live full and happy lives. Pray to Allah for strength, say Bismillah when you are taking action and completing responsibilities, and remember that His love and mercy will reward you for your patience and perseverence, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    You are not in an easy situation. May Allah ease your pain. I understand very well how difficult these symptoms can be and to the untrained eye, it can appear that you are lazy.

    You need a really simple plan and simple daily goals that you can achieve before you continuously feel bad about the big picture.

    Make a list of things that have to be done and that you can manage in a day. Do not think beyond that for now. Your number one priority should be your health--because without this, you can't really do the next thing on the list. Start small and do baby steps--slowly and surely, life can and will become manageable.

    Ask your husband for support without any expectations--you are not responsible for his actions and behaviour--you can only do your best. Meanwhile, pray to Allah swt to put Mercy in your husband's heart--pray for the wellbeing of your family while you continue to improve your health, quality of life and take care of your child in little little steps. Never compare yourself and your life with others. For all the knots in your life, you can only untie one knot at a time--that is manageable.

    When the time is right, you and your husband should seek counselling. You should not be working--if anything, instead of making new relationships with other women, your husband should be devoting his time to another job or assisting you in your time of need. His online activity is not your fault--and marriage is hard work. Without nagging him, tell him what your plan is and what you need from him and build up yourself with the intention of saving your marriage, inn shaa Allah. May Allah make you successful, Ameen.

  6. Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

    I keep repeating this for everyone's health problems, and I will say it again because it is truly a miracle from Allah; please get Hijama (cupping) done by a professional practitioner.

    Hijama is a sunnah of the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) and it is highly emphasized according to Ahaadith. Furthermore, contrary to popular opinion, there IS scientific evidence for Hijama, and it is a very powerful form of alternative medicine (relative to modern-day conventional medicine, as Hijama should be a primary form of treatment for many illnesses!).

    For your convenience, I do not want to make this a lengthy post, so I will not quote Ahaadith or further information about Hijama. However, I STRONGLY advise you to please research thoroughly into Hijama and its place in Islamic and modern medicine, search for a qualified professional Hijama practitioner, and have it done!

    All the best.

    • Assalam alaikum Brother,

      I don't know much about this, but I appreciate your post --I am sure this will help me as well.

      May Allah reward your efforts, Ameen.

  7. Assalamualaikum

    Only through prayer you wil be able to solve your every problem ,tis life is test be patient and inshallah soon you will see better lfe


  8. Salaam sister,

    I am 28yrs old and also suffer from CFS. You are right words can not explain the severity of this illness. I would advice you the following based on what is helping me.
    i) if you can buy panax ginseng in liquid form. This will help in your sexual relationships by giving you energy and increases your libido. Try taking 1teaspoon before bed.
    ii) for the pain you experience in CFS try phenocane. I usually have to take 2 capsules in the morning but you may have to vary the dose according to your body requirements and how you feel. This is a natural supplement you can purchase online from amazon. This has helped me a lot for my pain & fatigue.
    iii) continue to make lots of duwa & ask Allah to show you in dreams solutions to problems that will help you
    I pray that Allah swt grants you health and peace.

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