Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Committed Zina?

Thoughts and thinking

Assalamualaikum Brothers & Sisters,

The situation i am going through at the moment, i pray to Allah SWT that no one goes through it. It is hard for me to put it in words and ask for advice. I am at a stage in life where I have to make some important decisions which will have an impact on my future life, I am unable to make decisions and need some advice.

I am 23 years, I was with a women for 5 years. I intended on marrying her by 2018 and make my relationship halal with her. In those 5 years, I am ashamed to say this but I have done a lot of bad things but I never committed zina, as i fear Allah and i want to save it for my wife. Around 5 months ago, there came a time where we had split up and she's moved on with her life but i missed her every day of my life, and i wished that things would get better and she'll come back.

She started getting to know someone, they'd known each other for 2 months when they decided to meet. That person suggested meeting in a hotel which unfortunately she went along with, yes they committed zina the first time they met.

They committed zina only once, although she regrets it very much, and wished it never happened because that person just played with her as he was with someone else but carried on playing her. Around a month ago we got back in contact, and she said she wanted to get back with me, because she had realised that i was the one for her, she saw the reality the hard way. I appreciate the fact that she didn't hide it from me as most woman's would. She knows she's made a mistake and said if she could do anything to change that, she would. She constantly cries and asks for forgiveness from Allah and tells me how sorry she is by hurting me.

I am very hurt by her actions, as much as i wanted her back and wanted to marry her. Now this whole thing is in my head and i am unable to make my decision? What hurts me is that, how could someone meet up in hotel the first time they're meeting? how could she do this to me? did she not think of me and her parents? where was her respect and dignity? why did she do this. She is very sorry for her actions.

She's said things will be different if we get back together and look at the bigger picture of us getting married. I don't know what stand should i take? I do love her, a lot. I would have got back with her if she didn't do what she's done, but now i am in two minds. If i choose to get back with her, will her actions play with my head for the rest of my life? will there be time where we will end up arguing and this whole thing will come up?

I appreciate the fact that she didn't hide this from me and told me before I give her my decision. I saw her yesterday and she's told me all about it. I received a message from her this morning which states the following:

I know it is wrong and I know exactly where your coming from, I do know ***.

I can't even tell you how sorry I am, you will have to forgive me and put this behind us & we start fresh & things will be soo different with us I promise you!! I do

*** I made the biggest mistake of my life & I hate to put you through this, I hate myself for it

I know it's a very hard situation but we have soo much to look forward to in the future that you can't let this win. Stop telling yourself it, it'll destroy us. Just listen to me please. 

I do love you alot ***, I do! 😢it will play on your mind for sometime but then you'll think of better things. I promise I'll never ever let you think of it, I just want to start fresh with us & make it be the best time between us😪😪

I loved spending time with you yesterday, I myself have never felt so comfortable with anyone like I have with you, we can have everything ***. Don't let this take over, if you want time to be alone etc I'll give you it. I understand it all, just please let's not waste what we have! I will give you the best life, what no other girl can give you & you know I will... 

I'm really really sorry to hurt you, it's killing me knowing you're hurt! I can't help but cry, like now! I just can't... So please ***  forgive me & please give me this last chance for us? I love how perfect it is when we're together, I love it!❤

I can't lose you to anyone else, I can't!!😧😢 don't do it to me. Don't be foolish like me, please I beg you. 

I love yoouu sooo much & there's no one who can keep me happier than you, and I promise I'll do the absolute same💕

Please darling, let's just be mature & get on with our lives with each other... Stop thinking about it, and you will

I will make sure of it... I'm extremely sorry for this!! Forgive me please... 

Yes, no other women will make me feel they i feel when I'm with her, only because it was true love from my side and i aways intended on marrying her.

I need some advice, because i am so confused that this whole thing is on my mind all the time, I end up imagining things which i shouldn't. I love her a lot, but i don't want to get back with her and later down the line we argue and this would come up or I don't want to think about it at all.

Would there be a time when i will stop thinking about it and enjoy my life with her? or is it best for me to leave it at that because the damage has been done and move on with my life?

Can a man live with the fact that his Mrs has slept with someone? Can a man overcome this?

Please give me some advice, I am in real need of it.

I appreciate all of you're help and making time to read this..



Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 Responses »

  1. Walaikum Asalam Brother.

    Without going into your past with her - which was wrong, i'd just say the following:

    - This girl was left vulnerable after you two separated and needed someone
    - She showed her true nature which is that she is weak, lead by passion and lacks maturity
    - You on the other hand lead her up this road by indulging in 'a lot of bad things except zina' which built up to zina with someone else.

    In the light of the above, the girl would have never come back to you had she not been played by the other man which makes you the rebound male.

    You will not be able to overcome this in your marriage with her and will continuously bring this up every chance you get.

    The question is, do you really want to marry a girl that is so impulsive, lacks self respect and needs a male everytime she is upset?

    My advice: please do yourself a favour and close this chapter in your life and marry someone else with the help of your family.

  2. Salaam bro,
    If you want brutal but honest advice I would urge not to proceed with this relationship. This feeling will not go away. It's really hard to get such stuff out of your mind, unless you are strong person with unparalleled patience. I am speaking from experience but people are different.

  3. I however would like to know how would a woman feel if a man had done this to a women who didn't commit zina but it was okay to do everything else. I'm finding some men are not all forgiving there are double standards. I strongly feel some men don't really know what a women feels at all. I personally think if you are going to hold the past against her then don't marry her save yourself the hearache but remember your not innocent either you are also to be blamed. Some women are emotionally attached and some men go on rebound or vice versa. I agree with above comments if your strong and your heart is big to forgive then marry her but if not then don't be with any woman until you know you will marry her.

  4. You continue to talk about the bad things this woman did

    but what about what you have done

    you were picking at her faults but you are not looking at your own

    keep in mind you cannot cast a stone because you are not free from sin

    as far as I'm concerned you should not be with anybody

    I don't feel you are mentally prepared to be in a monogamous relationship

    or in this case a monogamous marriage

    after all you were in a relationship for 5 years without marriage

    You need to get in touch with islam more before you are ready to proceed with such ideas of marriage

    And look for a girl who will only want to be with you (intimacy) after marriage
    and not before it will be very helpful for you

  5. assalam alaikum brother listen to me
    because it wanted to said it not once but twice,thrice times and to the infinity...........
    every human in this world make mistakes
    i have done such type of mistake in past and that girl is my wife now how
    you know.
    before marriage i went to her home just to talk her normally like people do but shaitan takes advantage and
    and our talk become some thing and i commited zina so you know what kind of feeling i had at that time
    i mean after doing it like i should commit suicide i destroy her life but i decided at that time even i commited zina this girl is so much innocent i destroy her life if i leave her like that and on the day of judgement i feel regret and in the current life so i decided that i wanted to marry that girl at any cost.even if i have to leave my parents for some time i must to do and i can;t leave the women i loved most in my life.every one commited mistakes i read her letter and seriously it brings tears into my eyes i can't explain.she is the most honest girl i ever heard in my whole life you should marry her at any cost and listen what if she commits suicide???or some thing terrible thing like that what will you???who is responsible???i respected that girl as my sister so its a honest request from the brother of that girl please please please do not leave her should marry that sister of mine.
    for example if you did the same thing and if you were at her place then what will you do haan???
    so please marry her i 1000% gurantee you that you will never ever find a honest girl like her who take cares of you from the core of her heart.

  6. she is the one you loved her most in your life your love is that weak or i say that you love her artificially. i mean if you love some person then you love all things that person loves and if you love some person then you should havea heart atleast for forgiveness when that person is begging.if you truly love her then you should forgive her and marry her as soon as possible.

Leave a Response