Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Complications in marriage even after istikhara



I am from Egypt. I like a boy, he was one year senior than me in the university. He likes me too ,so after a 2 year relationship i told him to send his parents so he sent his parents to my home even though he is not very settled in life. His parents came to my home and my mother greeted them very nicely as my father is abroad. But the problem is that his parents are very rude with my family from the very begining. His dad never looked at me once or talked to me politely he is taunting me all the time infront of my family ,but my family is quite because of me.

So after thinking about their behavior i did istikhara. In the dream i saw the boys father ,everything was dark, he was testing my patience and was scolding me for not doing the work properly. Then i saw me and the boys father were fighting evil shadows but at the end when the night was about to end and sun was coming up we defeated the shadows and i felt sort of in love with his dad. I hugged him and thats when i woke up. It was a very scary dream and i dont know what to interpret of it as it was scary but everything was also ok at the end of the dream...

In another post i read that its not the dream itself but the feeling u get after immediately after i did the istikhara i felt very scared and parents were also warning me again and again so i thought about it for a day and then told the boy that we cannot stay in contact. He cried alot told me i got my istikhara as positive (he was lying just to keep in touch) and that he will do evrything to get me back....I was so confused because i didnt want to go against Allah ,so i prayed and asked Allah to give e a clear sign..a min after i prayed my mother (who was so against the marriage because of the boys family behaviour with me) came into the room and said why are you so scared and tensed ,that boy called me and he was crying ,so plz dont worry il talk to ur dad and everything will be ok. So i felt so happy because i thought this was the sign Allah showed me.

So everything got fixed but i never told my parents about the istikhara.and i dont know what i feel about the marriage .sometimes i feel so happy and sometimes so depressed when i think about the marriage. I want to get married but i dont know if he is the guy although he loves me alot i sometimes think he will not support me when i will need him as his family is also so much against me because they wanted him to get married to his relative.

After alot of efforts from both of us the engagement date was fixed ,we invited them to our house to decide the mehr and how much time they will take to arrange the marriage (they did not want a nikkah because they thought their son is not financially stable and if they got him married he might not support his parents financially because of a wife,which isnt true as i have nothing bad for them in my heart,I truely love them like my own parents) So when they came to my house our families fought again on mehr although my parents kept it very less.His dad sort of canceled the engagment and my dad waited for a few days although he was also very angry but just because of me.My father did istikhara two times for me and both the times it was negative.that boy flew all the way from india imidiately the next day to handle the situation.But after listening to his mother he called my parents to apologize but he also taunted my parents ,he said some unapropriate things under his mother's influence that i never thought he would say. I got angry on him for talking to my parents like this although i have never said a word in front of his family when they taunted me. Now after a week both the families have cooled down but my parents are not happy .They have now left the decision on me .They r saying if u want to get married to this particular guy we will get you married no problem but u will have to live with the consequences

After seeing his reaction to this situation i dont know if i want to marry him or not.Im really confused.He says he loves me and he has done alot for me he left his country for me to be financially stable in lesser time so our parents dont make issues in our marriage.(although money is not a factor for me or him,just our parents).He has compromized alot .He lives in a small room with 12 room mates just to save for my mehr and marriage in time.Works day and night morning to midnight just to fill the status gap between our families, begged his parents to quit their anger on the mehr issue.He is even willing to touch my dad's feet and beg him so we can get married.

I really love him but i think Allah doesnt want us to get married that is why there are so many problems in this marriage process.Our families fight every single time they meet .i dont know wot to interpret from it. If i leave him i will feel guilty for the rest of my life but i dont know how he will react after marriage if God forbid we get in a bad situation.What shall i do in the light of Quran and sunnah as i dont know what to interpret from the istikhara? please help me out im in a very critical situation here .


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6 Responses »

  1. As to my understanding your family / your parents are standing by your decision as you are very luck. My question to you is that you see his trying hard for you but you can't see the bearing of their constant bad attitude towards your family and their patience. Your parents are trying even harder then what he is doing. In my opinion he is trying hard for himself as well for a better life. So the one thing is clear that he is not just doing everything for you only, there is his interest init as well.

    Now my second question is that what will you do if his and his family attitude gets worse after marriage? As right now all the signs are negative as per your say and nobody respect your family nor you and plus he also spoke harshly with your parents then what positive thing is there other than respect. Your parents have left it on you and honestly if i was at your place i would have stepped up and ended this relation as my parents are more important to me than anything else in the world. Divorce is not very liked by Allah and why go on a path where the end result is clear.

    Leave him and ask your parents to find you a better match that will not only respect you but also your family. Remember Allah reward those who are patient. You need to rethink about your future with this kind of a man who is still under the influence of his mother can humiliate your parents and cries to get his way. I dont think he is mature enough to handle the responsibility of a marriage.

    I dont mean to be offensive but crying this once is far better than crying the rest of your life.

    • Thankyou manis.those are exactly the points im concerned about

      • If your concerns are the same, then move on. You should make a decision and tell your parents immediately and don't keep any contact with him no matter how much he cries or begs. Your parents should end things, as you and him have no relation. Also remember one thing you don't need to give any explanation to him as this is your life and he has no authority.
        Keep reminding yourself that this was for the best and Allah knows best and all. I hope that you don't beat yourself up for ending this relation.
        Your parents will be your support and in time you'll feel good about your decision even your parents will be glad. Hope it works out.

        • Thankyou manis
          A quick heads up.i thought a lot about it and i stepped up to end parents were very supportive and im very glad i had friends like you from such a community to help me clearly see what i was getting myself into.
          I cried for some time but eventually Allah gave me strength to get through all this.I am very greatful to Him.My parents selected another man for me i talked once or twice on my parents saying.he seems like a nice guy.treats me nicely and his family is famous in our city for being loving and honest as his grandfather was the first mufti of our city.I feel bad for everything i went through, still feel a little pain.but im getting through it just parents love me even more now for listening to them. everybody is happy and i feel happy to see them happy.but i dont know if il ever be the same person again.i have trust issues now and i dont know if i can ever love that way again.Im sure Allah will show me a way and make me love my future husband more than i could ever imagine.
          Thankyou for all the help and support you guys gave me when i was in need.I really appriciate it.
          Thanx again

  2. It is not necessary that you get a dream or a “feeling” from performing Istikhara Rather, in Istikhara Prayer Allah guides you towards that which is best for you, if you perform Istikhara with the proper manner, you must consign whatever matter you prayed in regards to Allah and suspend your own inclinations, then Allah will make events unfold in the direction that is the best for your worldly and next-worldly affairs.

    Bad dreams are from shaytaan, and they should be dismissed and not spoken of, it seems you are classing every dream you have of the situation at hand as some sort of 'Vision' dreams are not a science, you are probably having a lot of dreams about the situation, because it currently is weighing heavily on your mind, which is something quite natural, if you try and interpret, satanic dreams, the ramblings of the mind etc, you will lose your mind......

    My advice would be to NOT marry this boy for the following reasons,

    1. there is a great deal of animosity between you and this boys family, marriage will only increase the animosity.

    2. You have mentioned his behaviour towards you has already been untoward and disrespectful, what do you expect his behaviour to be like in marriage, if prior to it, he already mistreats you?

    3. You suspect that he will not be a supportive husband,

    4. In light of the Quran and Sunnah it appears you have overstepped the boundaries, of what Allah has made lawful for you, you have mentioned, you were in a two year relationship with this man, and from you commentary, its obviously your relationship with this man is something more then what is permissible, when it comes to potential spouses, you are allowed to meet and talk etc, but they are limits of what is appropriate, him crying down the phone to you, being rude to you, you mentioning your in love with him, all indicate that boundaries have been overstepped, the best advice would be to take this situation as a learning process, recognize your mistakes and repent to Allah for them, and when you feel ready, try and look for someone who more appropriate, someone who is respectful to you and your family, and who to the best of your knowledge, you feel, would be a good husband and father

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