Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Shall I conceive or not?

Pregnant teen


I am a mother of  three. All of them are from my previous husband. I married for the second time a few months ago, and my new husband who is quite older than me wants me to conceive. I want suggestions on this matter.

I live in a non-muslim area. After my first husband's death, I was married to my second husband. I am 41 and he is about 60. my kids are 19, 16 and 11 years old. From the beginning of my marriage, he wanted me to get pregnant with him, but I do not feel safe as he is quite old and also a heart patient. Also, his financial condition is not that good. We are still surviving on my previous husband's money.

Every night he is making love with me to make me pregnant, but I am taking pills without informing him. I know it is a sin. Also my teenage kids are against my pregnancy, and also against their new father. My husband has told me that if I don't conceive, then he will divorce me. I can live without him, but in my non-muslim society it will be a bit difficult for a single lady to survive freely. My kids are urging me to divorce my husband, but I can't tell them that after a divorce other men in society could be harmful for me.

I want to know: will it be better to get pregnant at this age, or shall we separate??


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40 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Both the husband and wife have a right to have children with their spouse. If the spouse is preventing that from happening or going against their wishes, it's considered a denial of rights, which is a justifiable reason for divorce.

    Issues like whether or not to have children together should be discussed before the marriage, so neither party will have unclear or incorrect expectations about the matter.

    As I understand you, the reasons for not wanting to have children with him are because of his conditions and issues, but yet he's the one who wants them. I think he should be the one to decide whether he is fit to have another child or not. As for you, I suspect you have your own reasons for not wanting another child, so have you communicated them to him? Is it because at your age you don't want to deal with the health risks and exertion of another pregnancy? Or is it because of finances? Is it something where you might be willing to have children if you had more money? It sounds like there's a lot you need to openly communicate with him, and work toward resolving this issue toward a solution you are both in agreement about in shaa Allah.

    In any case, you should not be secretly taking birth control pills to prevent the pregnancy. If this is a deal breaker issue for you, and he insists on getting you pregnant, perhaps it's better if you let him take the divorce so he can marry someone who shares that value with him, and you also can marry someone who feels as you do. You said you live in a predominantly non-Muslim area, so I imagine there are probably a lot of resources out there to help you support yourself. In addition, if your children feel the marriage is not ideal, maybe it's worth taking their view into consideration- especially since the older two are of age to see the dynamics you might be unaware of.

    -Amy Editor

  2. If he is doing every night, he must be in good shape. Why your kids want you to divorce him?

  3. I think you should separate. you don't want to get pregnant but was willing to get married to an 60year old? doesn't make sense. seems to me you only married him for your own selfish benefit.

    as you said, I can live without him, but in my non-muslim society it will be a bit difficult for a single lady to survive freely.

    he deserves some one far better and whom he can start a family with. if you didn't want to have children, this is something needed to be told before hand.


    • I agree with you completely, Brother Ahmed, MashaAllah.

      It seems like she married him for a selfish reason.
      As long as she can't give any valid reasons for why she can't get pregnant, a separation would be better.

    • I am not sure that she is necessarily selfish or did'nt give valid reasons, she wrote:

      but I do not feel safe as he is quite old and also a heart patient. Also, his financial condition is not that good. We are still surviving on my previous husband's money.

      I think surviving on her previous husband's money is rather strange--although I don't agree with secretly taking birth control pills.

    • Common guys, really? She got married for her own selfish benefit?

      She says: "... Also, his financial condition is not that good. We are still surviving on my previous husband's money..."
      What to benefit from 60 years old man who does not have good health, nor does he have money ?

      Sister Runu , if you cant compromise regarding children, then better to divorce this man and find yourself someone younger , healthier , who would accept your condition of not wanting more children.

      God forbid if he dies from his heart condition- you will be stuck with young child all by yourself with no support. Listen to your intuition, it is most likely correct.

      Talk to you kids too about their concerns.

      May Allah SWT protect you , make things easy for you and resolve all of your problems.


      • Honestly, his financial condition is a fact. However, she didn't stop there alone.

        Also, I think if it's about accepting her condition, then the old man could be even more understanding and merciful than someone younger, healthier, who is starting his new life and dreaming of seeing his own children.

        However, if she is able to stick to only the financial issue, then I believe Allah will make him understand and accepts her condition, when she explains to him further, InshaAllah. I mean (in her heart) she should not involve nor think about other things that may seem like being selfish.

      • you have clearly misunderstood me. when I said, She got married for her own selfish benefit? I didn't mean she got married for his wealth.

        she clearly states, I can live without him. so why did she get married? if you read the following she said, but in my non-muslim society it will be a bit difficult for a single lady to survive freely. means she wanted the freedom.

        when a man gets married, its only natural for him to have a child of his own. specially if you don't have any previous children.

        why would you rush into a marriage with a 60year old with illness? makes no sense.

        • The reality is that not a lot of men younger than 60 will marry a 40 year old woman with three children--that makes complete sense--so I don't agree that she rushed into a marriage--she was probably being practical more than anything, not selfish.

          • she was probably being practical more than anything? in what way? by marrying an ill 60 year old?

            here you have an 60year old who has openly said he wants a child and is so desperately trying to have a child, who is trying every night. on the contrary you have a wife who keeps quiet without saying a damn word on top of it taking pills without the husband permission. who knows how long its been going on for.

            to add it, she said she can live without him but she can have freedom. so you tell me if that isn't selfish?

            either way, solution is simple if you don't want to get pregnant, just say so. time is precious don't drag it.

          • I don't know if I am misinterpreting this, but when she said that she can't survive freely as a single lady - I don't think she is talking about freedom. I believe she is saying that she prefers to have a male companion because it is difficult to be a single woman in a world full of non-mehram men.

            We don't know under what circumstances their marriage occured and what was and wasn't discussed. It's too bad this wasn't cleared before the Nikaah.

            It is clear that she shouldn't be taking contraceptives. It is also not acceptable for him to not be financially providing for her.

            I think they both have a lot of communicating to do. I don't think they are selfish, either one--bad communicators I can accept. Jumping to separation isn't probably the best idea until all is discussed openly and there are problems on both ends based on what was discussed.

            If I offended you, it was not my intention. I apologize. Best regards.

          • I dont think so, if she prefers to have a male companion then why would she say i can live without him? If you really wanted a companion thats the last thing you will ever say.

            Also im not offended. I love sharing ideas.

          • Some women can live without their husbands - meaning they are able. That doesn't mean it is a preference. Some women on the other hand wouldn't be able just because they wouldn't know how or what to do. I just think calling her selfish is a bit strong.

            My gut feeling after reading this post was why would a 60 year old want a child? I also couldn't stop thinking that when the child will be getting ready for marriage or attending post-secondary, the father will be 80 and the mother 60. I thought this may be difficult for the child. I know this thinking might be wrong, but it did cross my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

            I have seen in my own family men marry women 20 to 30 years younger than them. I have seen this happen before and I think that before they take drastic decisions, they need to sit and talk.

            If the woman was 20 and not wanting children, I might question her motive for marriage a lot more than a 40 year old with previous children. I feel there is a lot more going on here.

            No one really seems to be talking about them living off her ex-husband's funds-- another oddity. This is why I think companionship is more important to her because she is not interested in money.

            Just my humble opinion.

          • In some countries a single woman cant do do everything and is very limited compared to a woman who is married. A married woman tend to able to do other things and have freedom etc. Thats why when i read the post and ii remembered..

            Also we dont talk about living off her ex husband because its irrelevant. No need to go off topic. Just answer what she asked.

            Believe it or not some woman prefer freedom in doing what they like rather than money.

          • It is not off-topic to talk about them living off her ex-husband funds--otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it (and if it is off-topic, talking about her freedom is just as irrelevant--besides, I think her freedom comment is being taken out of context). Her not demanding her financial rights means she is not selfish, even though it is her right--but rather it shows her concerns about how they are going to raise this child under these circumstances (hence why she gave that particular part in the background information). A recent post by a different sister showed how a couple went from the best couple to the worst because of financial issues--and they are young and presumably have more energy. Finances affect a relationship whether we want to admit it or not--if she can be understanding regarding the finances, it won't hurt the husband to be understanding about children. He has the right to divorce her if she does not want children. She has the right to ask for a divorce if he is not financially providing for her (even though she implies that she can survive without him). I don't think either one should divorce without FURTHER understanding/communication.

            Given that she is 40 with 3 previous children and he is 60 and not providing her with her financial needs, they need to COMMUNICATE better before they make any huge decisions. I don't see how seperation/divorce is the first best advice when it involves a lot of assumptions.

          • I suppose that is my point. You drew different conclusions and I drew mine because there is not a lot to go by--and we do have to make inferences.

            Putting opinions aside, I don't know how telling two people to separate is the BEST advice until they talk it through.

        • Financial security is a perfectly valid reason to marry. If this woman wanted to get married for that reason, she was not being "selfish".

          Her concern that she will be left a widow is completely valid, and I think this man's desire to have children is selfish. He has a heart condition, is on medication, and his financial situation is not good. How is he going to give guidance and nurturing to a child? Keep in mind that he will have a responsibility for this child until the child marries. If this woman has a valid reason for believing that he will not remain in good health for the next 20 years, then she should not be criticized.

          I am not suggesting that taking birth control without informing him is right. She should tell him. But her reasons for not wanting a child at this stage are worthy of discussion.

          Islamic societies seem to think there is nothing wrong with young widowhood. That is what happens when you marry a man 20 years older than you. Granted, once a woman is over 40 and if she is muslim, her options are limited, so she has no choice if she wants security and protection via marriage, but these old cultural notions of acceptability regarding 20-yr and 30-yr age gaps should end. This woman will be a widow again before she is 60 -- a time when SHE will start to require care and attention, but because her husband will either be very elderly or deceased, she will not have it.

          • In those non-Muslim countries, aren't there many women (divorcees, widows etc) who have no marriage security? Just advise the sister without touching this topic.

          • it is off topic talking about the husband should provide. she probably knows but out of her own will she is supporting from her ex. since you don't know the situation, how could you to jump to conclusion? if she is okay with it, who are we to say? she mentioned this, so we can get a brief history of the situation.

            you said, it is off-topic, talking about her freedom is just as irrelevant? how? if you read it, you can clearly see it goes hand in hand. I can live without him, but in my non-muslim society it will be a bit difficult for a single lady to survive freely.? it makes total sense. it means without him she cant survive freely, but with him I can. its like a gamble.

            you also said, Her not demanding her financial rights means she is not selfish? don't you know nor realize selfishness can come in all sorts of form not only money?

            you followed by saying, rather it shows her concerns about how they are going to raise this child under these circumstances? how? her husband is trying to make her pregnant every night and she isn't saying a damn word, is this how you show concern?

            husband also made it perfectly clear, if she doesn't conceive then he will divorce her. who know how long he's been trying to make her pregnant. poor man has no clue what his wife is doing.

            if you actually took your time to read the original posters post, on the last line she clearly said, I want to know: will it be better to get pregnant at this age, or shall we separate??

            I only answered her question, not talk about husband should provide etc, because that is not what she is asking. its irrelevant. lets not drag this on, i have my opinion and you have yours. I don't want the original poster to get confused.


  4. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I don't believe that you should separate, but you should be clear in what you are doing to your husband. Tell him that you don't want children because

    1. He should be the provider and should not be depending on your previous husband's money.

    2. You are afraid of raising a child alone due to his health.

    Be crystal clear and if he chooses to end the marriage, then so be it.

    Also, I would suggest that your children are much to involved with your personal relationship with your husband and you should be clear to them that they shouldn't cross that line.

    May Allah put understanding between you and your husband, inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

  5. From a woman perspective, it is not easy to be a single mom when you know that all eyes and men are hawking you or taking benefit out of you just because you are a divorced woman. It seems that you are "unprotected" and a easy target for those evil man waiting to hurt you. Also I believe Sister runu also did that for the children sake. In muslim culture, if you do not have a father, the children are quite hard to find an open minded family to get marry in the future. There are bunch of taboos and prejudice in the muslim culture and society. If this is called "her own selfish benefit", this is understandable and it is all in Sister runu's heart.

    Sister runu, you need to be honest with your husband, ask him how financially he could support the new born? Tell him honestly that you are spending your previous husband's money right now. If he still wants a child, you need to decide whether you want to continue this marriage. Taking pills behind his back is not right.

    I saw a case which is quite similar to yours. A 38 divorced woman with 2 teens and 1 elementary age children married a 62 years old man. The old man has 4 children in the previous marriage and they all married and have children. He still insisted to have a child with her. They have one finally and she ends up taking care of all the children, working outside and of course all the family work. The old man has no energy to spend with the new born and everyone can see his health is deteriorating. Noone say it loud but just wondering what the man was thinking in his head? Is it a selfish act that just because he wanted it? Sure sometimes we should trust Allah is the one will provide but one should also balance what is the best for the new born and the family as a whole.

  6. assalamu alaikum

    sister, you can survive and thrive in a non muslim country as a muslim if you have dedication and perserverance. lets not act like victims. Muslim women today are doctors, nurses, PhDs etc..

    lastly, if he is only to marry you to set ultimatums then you need to question him. He should understand that you have concerns and that they need to be addressed because ultimately if he is to leave this earth by ALLAH swt will then you will be left to care for those children and whatever bills he leaves behind. i know this as it is reality.
    however, 3 children and another is not really a huge family and one good thing about living in the west is that if the father dies alot of times you can get support like social security and childcare assistance so if you want a child and a child is to come forth then it is by Allah swt will...but dont deceive him tell him your concerns.

  7. Asak ,

    It is quite strange that he want kid at the age of 60 .Is he fine mentally ?

    Talk straightaway your concerns to your husband .If he want to take divorce let him take .you will get new freedom and life to search for young man ..

    - brother

  8. but in my non-muslim society it will be a bit difficult for a single lady to survive freely

    You should move to a Muslim society where no one will bother you. I think lady will have more problems living among desi Muslims.

  9. Assalam,

    I wanted to comment on this line as well:

    "I can live without him, but in my non-Muslim society it will be a bit difficult for a single lady to survive freely".
    Sister, please dont worry - You will be much better off in a non-Muslim society then Muslim society for variety of reasons:
    1. Non-Muslim society:
    - has no prejudice regarding widows/divorcees.
    - has a lot of government/non-government benefits (free health insurance, scholarships, grants for your teenagers for College education etc ) for single mothers , families with low income etc
    -as long as you work, you can be independent and support yourself and your family, because women in the West comparatively are paid justly.
    - men keep respectful distance, if you are not interested.

    2. Muslim society
    - will mark you with the title” Widow/Divorcee” for the rest of your life
    - will give your kids hard time in their life (would be difficult to get them married etc)
    - men would bother/annoy you much more in the Muslim countries, unfortunately.

    I am saying it all from my own experience.
    I am 38 years old, divorced, mother of two boys, independent professional working full time, Alhamdullilah. I feel freedom, much more respect living in the United States then “back home”.

    You can do it too Sister , in sha Allah.

    • SubhanAllah!!! It would have been better if you refrained from that comparison for Islam's sake. The fact that some Muslim societies are not perfect does not mean that, the non-Muslim societies are perfect and better in the sight of Allah subhanahu wata'ala. When you compare things this way, the non-Muslims use it against Islam, instead of a particular culture.

      In fact, we can't just look at only the things you have mentioned (which are clearly not %100 of what is happening in all Muslim societies) and then conclude the judgment that the non-Muslim society is better than a Muslim society. There are really other things to look at as well (but I won't raise the argument here).

      Honestly, if we do justice while we compare the two societies without leaving any single thing (in the light of Shariah), then in the end we definitely are going to prefer a Muslim society over a non-Muslim society regardless of anything.

      I think, you could have just advised the sister and reassure her that she could be safe in the her non-Muslim society, without you going further to make that comparison.

      • And also when you say "back home", that does not represent the whole Muslim societies. In fact there are things that you have mentioned that do not happen where I live, and plus many children and youth have much support and many other benefits here.

      • (in the light of Shariah), then in the end we definitely are going to prefer a Muslim society over a non-Muslim society regardless of anything.

        You mean you will prefer to live in Pakistan or Afghanistan (in light of Sharia) over living in a Western country. In real life Muslims from many countries will do anything to get a chance to live in Western countries. No arab countries gives immigration to Muslims from non-Arab countries.

        • You mean you will prefer to live in Pakistan or Afghanistan (in light of Sharia) over living in a Western country.

          Absolutely, as long as I do it in the light of Shariah. In fact, those Muslim countries (Pakistan and Afghanistan) are better for me honestly.

          In real life Muslims from many countries will do anything to get a chance to live in Western countries.

          This is not generally true, and I am an example of it. I even have friends from non-Muslim countries who are living and working here and they testify that, living here is better than the western countries.

          No arab countries gives immigration to Muslims from non-Arab countries.

          Yes. However, they give them resident permits, which allow them to live and work and gain halal money with tax free.

          I also know some good Muslims who are planning to move to this country from the west.

          • Salam brother,

            Yes definitly brother muslim countries are better then the non muslim countries for men! But sadly this is not the case. I am also a divorcee. I would be very distressed living in a muslim country as I it will be difficult to earn a livelihood. I will be shamed for being a divorcee and taunted although I have done nothing wrong! My ex husband would forcefully take my kids away. I would be left alone.

            When I went 'back home' i felt intimidated by men constantly starring even though I'm in hijab. So its very hard for a divorcee to live freely and happily with no prejudice in a muslim country. It's always the womens fault, and men look at these women with evil intentions like they are a left over piece of meat. So agree with sister M. It's ironic and sad but its true. It should be the other way round. We should get all the benefits in the muslim country and hate the west. Women should be liberated and free to work marry divorce, be independent given public funds, allowed to keep their children and not attacked for their marital status. But we are not given that in muslim countries.

            I admit I feel safer in Uk. I have never been harassed by non muslim. But I have been harasses by muslims. I have opportunity to work and be independent. I am able to live without a man. But would prefare a companian for friendship, love and support.

            So sister,

            You do not need to be married to feel safe. If you both cannot compromise on kids then maybe its better to part ways. But be honest with each other. You should not decieve anybody especially your spouse. You should have made it crystal clear that you didn't want kids before marriage.

            It is confusing that he wants kids as I gather by his age he must already have children from precoius marraige. So why kids at 60? Doesn't make sense. If you guys divorce, you can find another divorced man who DOESN'T want kids.

            Take care

      • Sister M is completely right. Muslim societies are very harsh in their attitudes towards single, divorced and widowed women. Why should we ignore that? And, in non-muslim societies, women are encouraged to marry and live in conjugal relationships -- I myself often feel "left out" because almost all of my non-muslim female friends/colleagues/neighbours are married, whereas my options are very limited because of my religion and culture -- and I have no interest in marrying a senior citizen.

        • I really have no problem discussing about the flaws in our Muslim societies today (this has been part of my concerns too). However, what I do not accept, is to do so by comparing ourselves to others. This is a dangerous path which has led most of us astray. We can only talk about our matters in our own context and then compare ourselves and societies to the Islamic principles alone, not to the western principles.

          In any case, this forum isn't the place for this topic. The sister can be advised and be reassured about her safeness in where she lives currently, without making an incomplete comparison.

  10. Dear Sumaira ,

    Developed countries are obviously better than any developing or under developed countries .
    But there are few Muslim countries too which are good and provide better life style ..
    As per other part is why people like non Muslim countries is personal freedom to do any thing .
    For example It will be easy to have a boyfriend and have SEX easily and get away in life .No restriction or guilt about pubs,strip clubs etc etc ... Easy life for Homosexuals .Most of the countries have prostitution legal ..Easy life .Put your parents to old aged home and have a carefree life .Definitely human beings like freedom and want to enjoy life ..
    Just wearing Hi jab doesn't meant any thing .Heart should be muslim which only Allah knows the best .

    • Salam brother cool,

      Temptation is everywhere whether you live in a muslim country or non muslim country. I don't just wear hijab and do nothing else. I have lived most of my life in UK and find it easier to practice Islam very comfortably here. I take from the halal pleasures of freedom such as going to work, being able to take care of my kids, meeting female friends for coffee, all female excersize sports club etc etc and I do not go near the haram- Pubs, clubs and men Alhamdullillah! I know its haram so I CHOOSE not to indulge in it . That's the test of our iman WE CHOOSE whether we want to follow Islam and do halal things or listen to shaitaan and indulge in sin!

      Whereas back home my relatives have all engaged in boyfriend girlfriend relationships, have alcohol drugs etc etc, but all behind closed doors! The only difference between east and west is that in non muslim countries everything is open- what you see is what you get, whereas in some muslim countries people sin behind closed doors, in secret.

      My point is women should feel free in muslim countries, should be able to be independent just like in the west. Not have to depend on men to just live. They should be able to live and work freely and not be ridiculed or taunted for their marital status, beaty etc etc. Women should not feel afraid to go out by herself. Why should muslim men be predetors for muslim women in MUSLIM countries? When they should see all women as there sisters in Islam and help them out. I feel safe going out at midnight to the supermarket. I am not afraid of being molested or attacked by any men or mugged at all. But I cannot dare to think to go out alone in the night "back home" ! This is the state of our ummah now. Marriage should be done for love, and compassion and friendship and to share each others life together and help each other in Islam, not to rely on someone for food and clothing and to get protection from other men!

      • Dear Sumaira ,

        You are generalizing everyone @ your home country for having boy friends ,girl friends and having alcohol etc etc behind closed doors .

        And I don't understand what is good of making Sins in public ? Like west promoting nudity or free SEX becomes good because it is open and not hidden behind closed doors ??

        There will be people who do behind closed doors but that doesn't make Society doing it openly better .

        And as per your view where you generalize Muslim men as bad and western men giving respect to women please read the below reports



        Above recent reports says one in five women is sexually harassed in USA .

        Also see below report it says USA is second biggest porn manufacturer after Japan

        You don't see any of the Muslim countries in that list .

        Also see below Wiki report on child abuse

        " Child sexual abuse occurs frequently in Western society.[165] The rate of prevalence can be difficult to determine"

        Since child abuse is crime as per western law so it happens behind closed doors like how some of other sins you mentioned are done behind closed doors in eastern countries ...

        Also there are lot of women in Asian Muslim countries who works independently and are career oriented .

        There are some Muslim countries like some of gulf countries where law is too strict against males if they harass women so they don't dare to touch women .Women are safer better than USA . Look out for statistics from Google.

        Problem with most of eastern countries are that they are developing countries and don't provide good infrastructure ,education ,health care or other life style compare to USA/UK .so obviously people like to settle there and starts disliking their own mother land and people giving various reasons. Also on top of it it is personal freedom to do many things openly which otherwise they have to do behind closed doors at their home country .

        • COOL: And I don’t understand what is good of making Sins in public ?
          You are generalizing everyone @ your home country for having boy friends ,girl friends and having alcohol etc etc behind closed doors .

          Sumaira is just being honest about the situation. You can't compare Muslims and non-Muslim countries in matters of sexual abuse or porn.. A Muslim woman can go to jail for reporting a rape or even be killed by her family. Child abuse is widespread in countries like Pakistan. Most of the times abuse is even not reported because it is mostly done by close relatives or friends.

          • Dear SVS ,

            No society is perfect .
            There are thousands of cases which gets unreported in western countries too ..
            By the way ,she should be specific about which country she is talking about ..She is generalizing all Muslim countries as bad ...

            By the way , i don't belong to Pakistan and don't know about it .But any way who will like poor and backward countries like pakistan after settling in US/UK ?

      • Wa Alaikum Salaam Sister Sumaira,

        One problem about the discussion is the generalization you make. You should rather mention your country's name or at least say Muslims in your own country, rather than saying "Muslims" or "Muslim countries/societies". when you intentionally generalize things this way, it signifies that you have a bad intention against the whole Muslims. Of course, I don't think you have a bad intention, but that's how it sounds when you are not careful.

        Believe me Sister, I feel sorry for the things you have experienced back home, and I do not support such behaviors either, since they are not Islamic. However, there are things you may experience in your own country, which could be different from what you experience in another Muslim country. So being clear when you say "Muslims" or "Muslim countries" is better and fair in my opinion.

        Also, I have no problem with the western countries/societies, and neither do I hate them, especially as I believe that there are good Muslim environments in the west as well, and plus there are also pious Muslims/Muslimahs living in the west who are conscious of Allah and who stick to the Islamic limits in their interactions.

        My problem was just about the generalization and the incomplete comparison which was irrelevant to the OP's question, as she never expressed that she wanted to move to a Muslim country.

        Jazakillahu Khair

  11. Assalaamualaikam

    If you and your husband have different opinions on wanting children, you should talk about it. You both will have reasons for your opinions, and it's important to be able to be open and honest. For example, if his medical problems are a major worry for you, why not talk to him about these, as it may be that things aren't as dire as you believe. With appropriate treatment and specialist support, people can live with many potentially serious conditions, and there are different types of heart conditions, so his may not be one which reduces life expectancy. Talk about these things!

    It's not fair for someone to use or pretend to use contraception without the agreement of the other party. How would you feel if your husband had told you he would use barrier protection to prevent pregnancy, and you then found he secretly wasn't? It's a significant breach of trust, and says a lot about how the two of you interact that you don't feel able to talk to him.

    You mention that you feel you could live without him. Only a few months into marriage, that's rather worrying. If you and your children don't want this man in your life, it might be better to think about counselling or even (if things cannot be fixed) separation. In a lot of non-Muslim areas, you may be surprised by how little prejudice there is regarding divorce and single women - so, as long as you stick to Islamic limits in your interactions, and have a wali who will act as a guardian (your father, your son if you have one, siblings?), it wouldn't be impossible to manage.

    Midnightmoon editor

  12. Salam everyone,

    It's glad to see so many responses and I agree that our focus in responding to the posted has been shifted to the flaws of our muslim community. By the way, I am Sister M not M, I am a convert living in US. The muslim community I am engaging in has 90% of Pakistan-Indian and the other 10 % is Arabs, African and Far East muslim. Inshallah, I hope I have time to post about the life experiences of living in such a diverse muslim society. I understand no one like "stereotyping" or "generalization" of an isolated case or cases, but in brief, I do not appreciate the men's staring (which I have not encounter in the wider society but only our muslim society) and "under represented" female voice in my society. To certain extent, I would recognize "Sumaria"'s experiences.

    In conclusion, "runu", I think midnightmoon offers the best advice here. May peace be upon you, just be strong and stand up for yourself.

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