Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confused about my fiancée to be.

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I am soon to be engaged but have many doubts inside of me and I do not know if this is just the shaytan, fear, or lack of trust in Allah swt.

I will give you some background information. My small family has had a very tough life, with a father who has a temper. This has caused a lot of stress for my mother and us two siblings. Also I have struggled a lot financially with my family due to my father's spending. My parents marriage is a disaster but they are still together. For a while now, my parents have always wanted me to get married to someone back "home", but as I am a british born I prefer someone from here. But after a few meetings with "students" who came from back home to study here, I found one who was able to speak basic english, wants to educate and is very simple. This however is not me. My parents say I will lead an "easy" life, as I will have no in laws with a student.

Now the time has come for me to get engaged in two months time, and I feel so sad inside. The guy is nice and simple, if that's the best way to describe him. He says he prays 5 times. Due to his extreme shyness, he spoke only a tiny bit and answered very basic things. I remember asking him what his responsibilities are as a husband in a marriage, his response was "whatever she tell me to do, I will do". When speaking with my mother she says that is a good thing, as he will listen to me whatever I tell him to do. After much thought, I said yes and I did isttikhara and everything seems to have fallen into place.

I have tried to put these doubts outside of my mind, and accept I will have an easy life (assuming, as they say) with no in laws, but I feel so sad he isnt the type of "man" I would like to marry. I am an outgoing and sociable person,  and he seems so quiet and shy, so I am so confused now. I worry a lot about our mental compatibility, as he is from back home. I know there will be a bit of an adjustment. I worry if he will be able to connect with me, as I am a very emotional person.

My parents all have explained to me I will need to guide him in life with education, jobs, etc and this frustrates me as I believe a man should do this mainly and I should be his supporter. This puts me off a lot and I feel I will lose my patience with him, and shout. My anger has started to appear, and I say bad things about him. He's poor and uncapable to look after m Where is he going to get a job here? We're compatibility different, and I am so confused. I feel like a life with him will be such a struggle and this depresses me.

I am a practising muslimah praying 5 times a day etc. I want to know why I am feeling like this if my istikhara came out okay? Are these real doubts? Or fears of marriage? I feel sad and depressed that we have nothing in common. He knows little english, and I will have to try and guide him in life with everything when it should be the other way around.  It feels like he fits what my parents want, but not me.

How do I know if I am making the right decision? Should I marry him to please my parents? I've seen a lot of people do this, but they are still not happy due to couples being incompatible. Do I do istkihara again? If it's not meant to be, will it break on its own before the nikkah or will I usually have to make the move to end things?

Please advise me what I shall do? I do not want to "get to know"him, as I know this is haram, but this is the only way I will know if we are mentally compatible etc.

Please advise me.

-Confused786

 

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15 Responses »

  1. I think you've gotten your answer to your istikhara. If you have a bad feeling and have doubts then there's a reason you are feeling this way. Marriage isn't a joke, if you don't feel right about someone then listen to your gut instinct

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    You wrote:

    My parents all have explained to me I will need to guide him in life with education, jobs, etc and this frustrates me as I believe a man should do this mainly and I should be his supporter. This puts me off a lot and I feel I will lose my patience with him, and shout. My anger has started to appear, and I say bad things about him. He's poor and uncapable to look after m Where is he going to get a job here? We're compatibility different, and I am so confused. I feel like a life with him will be such a struggle and this depresses me.

    I would suggest that you do not marry him based on what you have said. Marriage to make your parents happy is unfair to your future spouse (and yourself). It is better to just wait for an proposal that is more compatible. Stand your ground. Again, stand your ground.

    IF you truly do want to consider this man for marriage, he should become independent, finish his education, get a job and place to live BEFORE he marries you (or any girl for that matter) so that he learns responsiblity and understands the challenges that any person can face in doing these things. At this point, you are not his wife, so you don't need to guide him - he needs to seriously figure out how to do this on his own.

    May Allah help you through this, Ameen.

  3. Salaams,

    I would be interested to know how you determined your istikhara was 'positive'. Usually a positive istikhara is not going to contradict your own personal feelings about the matter.

    You said you want the chance to get to know him to see if there's compatibiility, and I totally agree. It's not haraam to do that if you are properly chaperoned. He should be able to meet with you and talk to you, and vice versa, so you can find out more about one another and decide if marriage is right for you. Usually another family member can be physically present while this happens, and these meetings can take place as often as you need until you've come to a conclusion about him.

    It is true that marrying someone who you will have to basically do everything for and teach seems like a burden. A man is the head of household, so if anything a woman should be marrying someone who could guide and help her, not the other way around. I don't think that sort of imbalance is good for anyone. It would be better for him to marry someone who speaks his language, is in the same place as he socioeconomically, and they work together to build their lives and marriage into something meaningful. Same for you.

    Like the poster above said, make your marriage decisions for yourself, not your family. If you need to make istikhara again, then do so, but make sure you are doing and understanding it correctly (see links to our articles on istikhara for more information if needed). Then go forward in the direction you feel most at peace with.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Marriage is a serious commitment, if it makes you stressed to marry him than don't.

    Don't ever marry anyone to please your parents. I am sure there are many many muslim British men who are compatible. It's hard to marry someone who grew up in a totally different world, ...which is why it's hard to connect.

    Just tell your parents no and be firm, they cannot make you sign anything against you will...and it wouldn't be considered a real marriage if they did.

    You have a right to be happy.

  5. Read very very carefully,
    Sorry to say but you are complete ..... , you know what I wanted to say. Sister you know what very few girls get this chance in life. You got a person who is less educated or not social at all. This is great. I mean tell me how many girls have this chance. You can train him to be your life partner forever. This is your golden chance. If you do not do it now you will cry later in your life. Your Blessed masha'Allaah. And it is a test from Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) for you. Don't let the chance go. Or you will regret later.

    Look at it like this. You are getting something and you have to mold it like the way you like. You said you pray 5 times a day. Let show the guy essence of Islam. One more thing you must check is if he is really like that I mean shyness and all that. If he is then you are very lucky masha'Allaah.

    Secondly, please don't take revenge or advantage of him just because he is not compatible with your needs and demands. If you marry him then show him the highest moral character and highest values that he can adapt. And gain his trust. And please don't pity him or show him in any manner that you are doing pity on him just because what he is. If you do that then you are egoistic and Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) don't like ego at all.

    Regarding, your istikhara it says all. And the thoughts that are coming into your mind are just from the devil. Ignore them and say "auzubillah minash shaitan rajeem".

    Go ahead! You have a green signal. And remember all moderators and all who replied to you and all Muslims around the world in your prayers.

    Best regards,
    Allaah Knows the Best!

    • "You are getting something and you have to mold it like the way you like"
      This is a human being we're talking about, not a peace of clay or play dough.why would anyone want some one that they can mold vs. a man that's already complete, one that can give and take , one that has his own view points and ideals.How can you learn anything from any one YOU mold!!!!!!

    • MashaAllah, I think this is a positive advise. And I think I understand by what you meant as to "molding"... It means for him to emulate her way of thinking and actions for a better person/akhlaq. I also believe that if we keep on waiting for this perfect ideal man we have created in our minds, then they will never show up. Because at the end, Allah is the creator of all beings... Not us! So the best thing to do is to rely on Allah SWT and give this man a chance. And you might be surprised in a good way :). Don't ever look down upon Allah's SWT creations. This is your chance. Wa'Allahu-a3llam.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Brother, you wrote:

      You got a person who is less educated or not social at all. This is great. I mean tell me how many girls have this chance.

      Lots of girls get this "chance" and it not a the chance of a lifetime. I am sorry, but this man she is considering marrying is not ready for marriage. His response regarding marriage is "whatever she tell me to do, I will do"--This is not the answer of a man who really knows how to be the leader of a household.

      She will probably be doing most of the work both inside and outside the home IF he requires so much guidance.

    • Men have to be the protectors and maintainers of women. The lead the household. A wife does not have the job of training her husband to adopt this role. It is not the wife's job to teach her husband how to get a job, how to assume the financial responsibilities associated with running a household.
      "This is your golden chance. If you do not do it now you will cry later in your life."

      Seriously? The reason given by her parents for marrying this man is she will have an easy life because there will be no in-laws. THAT is a crazy reason to marry someone and a very immature way to assess compatibility. Moreover, once they are married, certainly the in-laws will be asking her for financial help as well as immigration.

      When a girl gets married, she wants to feel as though her husband is now taking care of her. It is a natural, normal feeling to have, and even those girls who have careers and work also want to feel cared for. This girl's concerns that her husband will not rise to the task are valid. Perhaps, he would be better marrying someone from back home, and then sponsoring her to the UK -- that way, they can learn together.

  6. Assalamualikum,

    Dear sister I felt very sad reading your story as I have been your situation and I have done exactly what you are thinking of doing. I got married to someone from back hm, I gave in to my parents wishes to make them happy. Now 9years later I have two beautiful kids Alhamdulilah, but I have been and still im going through alot of pain and problems in my marriage life. Sadly getting married to someone back home was the biggest mistake of my life!

    You said in your post:

    "My parents all have explained to me I will need to guide him in life with education, jobs, etc and this frustrates me as I believe a man should do this mainly and I should be his supporter. This puts me off a lot and I feel I will lose my patience with him, and shout. My anger has started to appear, and I say bad things about him. He’s poor and uncapable to look after m Where is he going to get a job here? We’re compatibility different, and I am so confused. I feel like a life with him will be such a struggle and this depresses me."

    Sister that is how I felt at the time and I still do..I have been in and out of depression. .angry alot of the times. .questioning who I am..what im doing ..if I can carry on etc..

    I can tell you now that your feelings and attitude towards your husband to be will get worse! You wont respect him..you will end up supporting him financially. .you will have to sacrifice alot. You both will not have anything in common as he grew up back home and his culture is different to what we have here in this country. Do not marry him. If you truly feel this way then listen to your instincts and feelings.

    I have been where you are now and I can tell you after 9years its veru difficult to live with someone who is from back home with different culture and upbringing than yourself. You mentioned your anger coming out and feeling depressed these are red flags!!

    Marry someone compatible to you and who will make you happy! Dont marry just to please your parents.

    May Allah swt guide you and give you someone you be happy with. X

  7. Sister,

    After all is said and done, you have a right to be happy no matter what. If you have all of these reservations two months before your engagement, chances are things are not going to change when you are finally engaged. Do yourself a favor and don't end up another statistic of a girl married to a guy she didn't want to marry in the first place. You will end up spending the rest of your days regretting your decision and asking yourself how you let it happen. This guy might be a really sweet person and of good character however, he just isn't the guy for you.

    You just need to tell your parents in the kindest way that this man is not the man you want for your husband. Let your parents know that you don't have a good feeling and that is that. Don't give in or let yourself be pressured into going forward which is often the case for many girls. Stand your ground. Don't let the tears or crying of those around you sway your decision. You need to remember sister...this is your life and as such, you need to be happy. No woman should marry out of pressure or force.

    I totally get where you are coming from with growing up in the U.K. and wanting to marry locally. There is a huge Muslim population there and it makes more sense marrying someone from there as you will have much more in common. If you are still confused about your situation, spend a couple of hours on this website and read the many stories of sisters like you who ended up giving in to please their families. Many are not happy and lead a miserable life.

    Remember sister...it is your right as a Muslim woman to use your voice and speak up. I strongly advise you not waste another day. Wake up, take a deep breath and get everything you need to say out to your parents. You are doing nothing wrong by asserting your right to choose your spouse. God willing they will listen to you and respect your decision.

    Salam

  8. Dear sister ,

    I will advise you please reject this guy .Don't marry to please your parents .Even if it is just one day for marriage you can still reject it ...
    Better you marry a person of your type not of your parent's type ...
    Its OK if your parents feel bad .Some times parents make life hell for their children by forcing in to marriages...Those are the worst parents in my views ...

    Cool Brother
    Allah hafiz

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