Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confused about my marriage

Controlling husband

I’m 20 , been married for 5 months now
Been living with my husband for 4 months. I was forced into this marriage. I didn’t want to get married because I was figuring out my life. My mum blackmailed me so I said ok as you wish. Because I didn’t want anything to happen my mum as she was saying she would kill herself if I don’t agree. I love my mum to death so I couldn’t fight more and gave up.

i always had a broken family. My mum and dad are living separately since I was little then moved together on and off.  I never had a proper family.
So my husband was mentally abusing me everyday and even told me that he would hit me and pull my hair and drag me from my hair take me out like that

he even said “ if you don’t keep me happy you would never be happy in your life”.

an “ you are not a good wife when a husband isn’t happy from his wife then people don’t respect that woman”

every time he’s made me think that he’s the one who can allow me to be happy and I can’t be happy without his permission. He made me feel so bad in front of his family and called me disgusting name. He’s even said “ look at your face it’s cursed by Allah and his angels”

someone asked him about me he said I was his girlfriend and not a wife. It broke my heart completely how can someone compare this halal and pure relation that Allah has created with something haram.

He disrespected my mother on many occasions and called her names when he called me dirty names it was understandable I used to think it was fair in a husband wife arguments but then he went so low and started swearing at my mum and sister who I love dearlY

I don’t have anyone except my mother in this whole world and a little sister
I was his second wife and by living with him I’ve found out about his other relationships he had before marrying me

i swear to Allah once I saw a Screenshot once of his friends sent him in WhatsApp where he was standing with a woman who looked bit aged where the caption was something like this ‘ this guy did take advantage of this lady and got her pregnant but when his work was done and he couldn’t benefit him self more from that woman he left her’ I read that message but till now I never asked him about it because I didn’t want any bitterness in this relationship.

he even gave me his dead wife’s ring on our first night which he gave on their nikah. When I found out about it I asked him I wanted to hear the truth but all did was lied to me. And then called me a greedy when the question was different but just make his self sound good and better he made so many things up like “ mum she wants new jewellery and she’s greedy ask her mum what she wants”

Sometimes when we argued i sometime said “ my mum didn’t sell me to you guys so I don’t have to listen to all the abuse you give me” he would say “ oh go to your mum and ask her (she sold you)” and stuff like you can’t be like my first wife you are not even like her feet.

he got married to an older lady happens to be 15 to 20 years older than him because of a visa and she passed away due to stroke.

I ignored it all because that was his past but he was keeping recording devices in our bedroom and living room even toilet to record what I was talking about to my mother and if I talk to any other men but unfortunately for him he found nothing against me that he can use and say I was talking to other men
He even installed cameras in our bedroom to spy on me
I moved to Scotland from England when I got married and didn’t know anyone there so I wasn’t even going anywhere
I did everything I could for him. I never disrespected his mother or any other member of his family but he was totally opposite
He used to come home and watch TV
Call his mum on the phone at stupid o clock I mean whenever he wanted and I was ok with that but he was speaking to other people till early morning
Whenever we argued he used to say
“I never had a single day where I was happy and get out of my life so I can live peacefully” he said this to me like 100 times
Because he knew my mum was living far away, but a week ago he crossed all the limits and threw me out of the house with my luggage and told me not to show him my face then I took a help of a stranger to drop to my mums since then nobody from my in laws have contacted us or him regarding this issue
There are so many other problems that I can’t discuss here
My mums saying we should apply for khula but deep inside I don’t to be called a divorcee at such young age but at the same time I don’t want to suffer with someone who’s abusing me everyday and making me cry every second
I’m stuck, I don’t know what my mum saw in him no appearance, no emotions, so ignorant, disrespectful to others. My mother’s health is not so great I don’t know what to do
Please give me advice What should I do ?

im sorry for mistakes because English isn’t my first language

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10 Responses »

  1. You need to see down with you mom face to face ...Say mom if you really love me wouldn't you want best for me and that's why listening to how I feel.instead you wanting good for yourself but I'm not happy.This how divorces happen especially physical mental abuse...is this what you want.Islam doesnt teach us this...we have the right to choose are partners.look at the divorce rate in the world...

  2. Dear girl.. I don’t understand why any mother would do such thing to their children..tell her what’s going on, tell her she has made a bad decision for you knowingly or unknowingly, she has to help you get out of it.

    You need to get out of this marriage, with or without your mothers permission. Only you know what you are going through. Seek help. If you are in Scotland you will find local communities, mosque. Don’t be afraid of “what people will say” no one has the right to abuse you.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

  3. 1) I don't understand your loyalty to your mother - she sounds like a vile human being. Who on Earth threatens their gullible barely adult daughter with suicide if they don't marry someone they are adamant on? I wouldn't be surprised if your husband is right that your mum actually did sell you to him. Judging by your description of your husband, I can't think of a reason why any normal mother would want this psychopath of a man as their daughter's husband. Unless they were financially desperate / hungry and the psycho offered them good money.

    2) You made a big mistake in accepting this marriage. You can't really say it was a forced marriage when you verbally agreed to it. Whatever motivated you to agree doesn't really matter, what matters is that you agreed. I can guarantee you that no mother commits suicide over having thair spouse suggestions rejected - they may threaten to do it, but they don't actually do it. Growing up, my mother would also say things like "one day I'm going to kill myself because of you lot (me and my brothers) when we were being naughty and not listening to her. It's just something some parents say when they are fed up, frustrated or, in your case, want to manipulate and blackmail their children. You should never have fallen for her games...

    3) Your husband sounds like a psycho. And I mean that in the literal sense. He's not normal and he doesn't sound like a person it's safe to be around. Please get out of this marriage ASAP, before this man either harms you or kills you. He sounds like a seriously deranged person...

    • My mum didn't even ask for a penny I love my mum dearly and it was a forced marriage you can't say something nasty about someone's mum I asked for advise not for you to judge my mum we are not greedy people we don't take a single penny from anyone Alhamdulillah
      I didn't know if my mum was serious about suicide of she was just blackmailing me but she's with me now not forcing me to love with him anymore
      Please stop judging people JazakAllah

  4. If you plan to leave leave asap and before you have a baby

  5. You said your mother wants you to divorce so then what is the problem. Usually these mothers, like mine, told me she would not even allow me to attend her funeral if I humiliated her by getting a divorce. It sounds like the best thing thing that could have happened under the circumstances happened to you. He threw you out so the blame is not on you for the marriage not continuing.. You have no kids, so you are in the best possible situation. If you go back, nothing will change. He will only say YOU CAME back because you have nowhere else to go. Do your self a favor, stay home and move on. The stigma of divorce is BS. There are so many women out there who marry a second time and are happy. If he cannot even stand the sight of your face, how do you forgive that and go back? My mother bullied me into marriage and then would not let me get out of it. To this day, my husband says my mother begged him to stay. If I wanted him, I should have done the begging but she told him I was stupid and didn't know what I was talking about. He actually got my mother on his side because he did not want to leave and knew she would not allow it to happen. As a result, I have lived in misery, and sadness and solitude for 23 years. My kids are miserable too. My mother did not have a good life either but that did not prevent her from making sure I got in a marriage I did not want and then she made sure I stayed in it. It is my greatest regret that I stayed. I had no reason to. I did not love him, I had a job and was paying for everything. I had an education. I stayed and got two unhappy kids. I am begging you, get out and stay out. Inshallah Allah will send you a better man and even no man is better than a bad one. Let me guess, your family is Pakistani or Indian?

    • Sorry to hear your problems since 23 years .

      Looking at now it seems ,
      Giving pain to your mother by getting divorce was the best for you .
      There are no blessing to get from parents when they force you to stay in hell .

      Also looking at these miseries i feel marriages doesn't have much blessings ,Most of time its curse only .
      There is no guaranty that it can solve your sexual problems too which we misunderstand at young age that this
      will lead to halaal sex and fulfillment of sexual desires ..There is no guaranty..These are myths only .You should be very luck to get all those .

      If some body can stay alone by not doing any sins i think there is nothing wrong with that than suffering with some one .
      Even some times when parents are dying kids will be abroad and busy in job so overall doesn't matter much .

      If some one is getting good life in marriage its good and positive else better to take single and stay single and have a good life .

      • Cool. thank you for your sympathy. I know that reading all the negative stuff turns you off marriage. but remember that all of us who post are the unhappy ones. There are good, happy Islamic marriages too out there. Please do not lose hope. Just because some of us are unhappy does not mean you will be too. It is a sunnah to get married so please do. Leave the rest to Allah. Any unhappiness you suffer will be rewarded by Allah. I too tell my woes on a daily basis to Allah. It is better that I suffer here for my sins rather than after death. Again, thank you for your kind words.

    • Yeah half of things they've said when they asked for my rishta were lies and now she got to know everything and she's supporting me ask for forgiveness so many times and it makes me feel bad she's my mother she shouldn't be asking for forgiveness from me
      I could've be the one marrying someone by choice and ending up with same situation I am now. And I feel sad for you may Allah make it easier for you and kids Ameen

      Since I've posted it was July and now it's December I went back to give it one more chance but he was more vile and disgusting so I've come back And sending a khula notice this week please pray that Allah make it easier for me and my family and give me good opportunities in future Ameen

      • May Allah send you peace and blessings and to your mother too. You have both suffered enough. If not in this world, then the next, may Allah reward you for all your suffering with the best place in Jannat-ul-Firdaus. Please pray for my daughters. My only reason to live is to see those girls happily settled in their own marriages. I pray everyday, that their misery does not continue into their own marriages. may Allah help and guide us all.

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