Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confused about seeking Khulah

sad fish in bowl


I have been married for 4.5 years, and it was arranged by our parents. The marriage started with the disgrace and taunts from my in-laws, from the very first day. This humiliation was due to their inferiority complex because I had come from a rich family background and was well-educated. They wanted to keep me under pressure and committed with domestic responsibilities so that I could not raise my voice against their injustice of treating me as a housemaid.

And the same thing happened. I forgot my professional career, my own parents and relatives, and my own wellness just to make them happy with me. This disgrace increased more with my delay in being pregnant. The more time that passed since my marriage, the worse their behavior towards me became. The other daughter in law of that house was allowed to fulfill her career plans- maybe because she had kids and so she was treated like the princess. However, I am here to discuss my issues with my husband. I left my in laws house a year ago because my husband wanted to settle abroad. We came to Australia on my study visa while my husband is on a work visa.

I have been thinking to get Khulah from my husband for over a year, and the following points would support my decision. I would like to seek your guidance on this, as I am always doubtful and afraid of Allah if I am making the right decision or not.

1. My husband has some serious issues in keeping himself clean. He does not take a shower for at least a week to ten days. He does not brush his teeth and does not change his clothes for days and days. He does not clean his lower part as well. He does not even clean after using the toilet, and does not wash his hands either. I wash his clothes, iron them and give them to him in his hands to change, but still he does not. This turns me off all the time, because whenever I want to go near him or he asks me to come closer to him, he is smelling so bad that I feel like vomiting. Honestly, sometimes I still manage but sometimes I just can't help making an excuse. I have been asking him to change himself since the start of the marriage, but it seems like he never wants to. I have tried convincing him with kind words, with love, with harsh words, with staying far for a while, with being dirty myself for a while...but nothing has helped yet.

2. Since the day I got married, my husband forced me to do a religiously forbidden task during our intimate relationship each time. I was very innocent when I got married and had no knowledge of what to do and what not to do. My mother just told me one thing which was to obey my husband and do whatever he asks me to do. I was always hesitant to have oral sex because he is extremely smelly and full of dirty hairs, but every time I wanted to leave during the task, it came into my mind that angels keep cursing the woman until next morning who doesn't fulfill her husband's wish previous night. However, other than my own discomfort, I had no idea that it was religiously forbidden; if I knew that I would've taken some serious action.

3. He never never stood by my honor in front of his family. I never demanded him to insult his parents, but at least he could tell them with love that he didn't like his wife to be mistreated. Many times I fainted in my room while telling him what they did with me. Once or twice, I slept with 2 or 3 sleeping pills. Many times I threatened that I would commit suicide or go back to my parents. But all the times, he said to me 2 or 4 kind words and slept on the other side of the bed, without caring that I was crying and was in unstable mental state. He never bothered, even if I told him that I was getting mad and needed psychological help.

4. My husband used to come back from work at about 2:00 am almost everyday. He used to spend Saturdays in the office as well, and sometimes a few hours on Sundays and Eid holidays, too. He used to take his dinner with his friends in the office and when he was back, I had already slept. He never realized that I needed him emotionally and physically. He never cared if I was getting proper food at my in laws house or not. He never cared if I needed to go out to buy my personal stuff, for which I could not go with my father in law. He never cared if I needed to go out to meet my relatives, or at least to breathe in fresh air. I was dying every other day!

5. Our physical relationship is still not good. In our home country, he was busy with office work. Here he simply does not show any interest in me, although I consider myself at least sexually attractive, if not beautiful, for my husband. Many times I try to take the initiative, but he simply ignores me and keep reading newspapers. It turns me off and breaks my heart. It also makes me go far from him emotionally. I had a premature delivery that ended in the death of the baby a year ago, and after that (ma be due to hormonal changes) I needed him very, very badly- but he never showed interest. I literally used to cry with tears because of the strong desires to get connected, but he never cared.

6.We had an artificial procedure for conceiving last year, in which he was supposed to give his sample. The requirement was that the sample should be as fresh as 3-5 days old. We did not have any relations for like 20 days, and the sample was really to be 20 days old. But he told the doctor that it was just 3 days old, as he had some natural ejaculation a few days ago. I was stunned, because he never discussed this natural ejaculation thing with me before and I never found anything while washing his clothes. That day, I also wondered if he might be having a relationship outside the marriage which caused him to come back from office too late. Actually, I also read an email in his inbox that was forwarded by his female colleague. It was not personal but it was about 'LOVE'. Why the hell would a female send a male coworker an email describing love, if there is nothing between them? I am also working, I can't even think of doing that.

7. He has decided that he will leave me here in Australia alone and go back to our home country to find an appropriate job (he is working in a good organization here, but he is not very happy). What I think is, he just wants to leave me, and a good job is just an excuse. He said that we will meet after 2 years when my studies are complete. My question is if a husband loves his wife, how can he leave her alone in a foreign country where she has no friends and no relatives at all?!! Doesn't he worry that if I get into trouble, who will come to help me? After all, I am a woman.

I have discussed all these issues with him a million times. I have tried to convince him with my loving words to warnings of leaving him, but nothing has changed him in these years. I feel that he will never change, and I will live this miserable life for ever and ever. When I discuss it with him, he simply proves that these things are only in my head and have nothing to do with reality, and that he loves me a lot and is sincere with me. He convinces me to believe that it's me who is exaggerating all things, otherwise we are very happy together. That is the reason I start feeling that maybe I am committing a mistake by thinking about khulah. Could you please reply to me and help me in reaching a decision?



Tagged as: , , , , ,

9 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I think that the reasons you described are valid reasons to be unhappy and consider leaving. (However I don't agree that oral sex is religiously forbidden, there are scholars who say it is not. Still I don't think you should be forced to do it if he is not observing proper hygiene).

    The question is, what are your reasons to stay? If all you have are reasons to leave, then I would think that is the course ahead of you. Have you made istikhara yet?

    The truth is, Allah doesn't expect us to make a perfect decision every time. He expects us to make mistakes, to take risks, to be uncertain but move forward as best we can. If you divorce him and it ends up being a mistake as you look back, then learn from it. In fact, if you only divorce once he can remarry you again later if you decide it was a mistake to begin with.

    Fear of failing is not a reason to remain paralyzed in indecision. Seek Allah, weigh the pros of cons of BOTH leaving and staying, and then move forward with the decision that leaves you feeling most at peace in shaa Allah.

    -Amy Editor

  2. 1. My husband has some serious issues in keeping himself clean

    Sounds like he has some psychological/emotional problems. You did manage to do oral sex on him. Just carry a can of deodrant spray and use it when you want to get close to him

    2. Since the day I got married, my husband forced me to do a religiously forbidden task during our intimate relationship each time. One of the reason for this ORAL sex from day one may be low sex drive. Is he good at sexual Intercourse?

    3. Many times I fainted in my room while telling him what they did with me. Once or twice, I slept with 2 or 3 sleeping pills

    You seem to be very emotionally sensitive woman. This could be one of the reason you could not get pregnant. You have to stay calm.

    4. My husband used to come back from work at about 2:00 am almost everyday.

    What are his working hours? What kind of work he does? In most jobs people are required to work certain hours every week day?

    5. I consider myself at least sexually attractive, if not beautiful, for my husband. Many times I try to take the initiative, but he simply ignores me.

    It may be his low sex drive, nothing to do with sexual attraction. Oral sex from day one indicates the same thing.

    6.That day, I also wondered if he might be having a relationship outside the marriage which caused him to come back from office too late.

    One ejaculation contains millions of sperms. Outside relationship is your imgination. If he has a relationship why would he want to go back to his country.

    If you leave him, you may not find any thing better

    • SVS, it is very unusual for someone not to bathe for days on end. It usually signifies some type of personality disorder or severe depression. I don't think the solution is for this poor girl to carry around a can of deodorant and just spray his genitals when he wants oral sex!

      Where do you come up with such ideas??!

      And why do you think she won't find someone better?

      • Precius: just spray his genitals when he wants oral sex!..........Where do you come up with such ideas??!......And why do you think she won't find someone better?

        I mean just spray on his body not genitals. Ingesting deorant chemicals during oral sex can be harmful. Spraying may shame him a little and make him take shower at least the day he wants to be intimate.

        Divorce reduces chance of finding a spouse. Growing older brings the similar problem. Recently a woman I know, told me about matrimonials websites. She is very hopeful of a serious relationship when she starts corresponding with a guy. After a few emails, phone conversastions it becomes clear guys just want sex.

  3. wel..arrange marriages are like that..husbands are not emotionally attached to the wife. it takes years strong bonding between them develops slowly.. if you had a child may be he had considered not to leave you alone.

    and why were you surprised at natural ejaculation? what are you trying to tell here that you people did intercourse 20days back and that the ejaculate must be 20 days old. do you have no idea that your husband can take a fresh sample by himself alone? or i am not understanding whatever you have written in the post??

    • 4.5 years is definitely A LOT of time to get emotionally attached or a woman or a man. Besides, the ingredients for a marriage naturally would include emotional attachment with one's spouse, but responsibility, love, showing mercy, and even cleaning oneself (even feels silly to list the last one as I thought it was an obvious one).

      It seems you overlooked a lot in the post based on the things you chose to focus on.

  4. Mahrukh: do you have no idea that your husband can take a fresh sample by himself alone? or i am not understanding whatever you have written in the post??

    May be doctors prefer newly formed (in last 3 days) sperms, so ejaculation 3 days before is recommended to get rid of older sperms. It should not make a big difference because millions of sperms are released in one shot. Natural ejeaculation can mean anything, he could have used his own hand to fulfill the requirement.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    What you have described is no way for a marriage to be--marriage isn't perfect, but it is supposed to bring joy, tranquility, peace.

    If your husband doesn't consider working on this marriage in a serious way, then decide if you can live like this. If you can't endure this, frankly, I wouldn't. Trust your instinct, pray Isthikhara. May Allah help you to make a decision, Ameen.

  6. hahaha.. nicly asked ... I don't know how u cope up with some1, who don't bath for days without any reason.. bt I don't know dat is enough to ask khula...

Leave a Response