Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confused after marriage

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Salaam,

i'll try keep this brief but it probably wont be, sorry!. I met my husband online but it turned out our families already knew each other, we'd just never spoken. Alhamdullilah, having been vey anxious about a life partner for so many years, i truly felt blessed that my duas had been answered and i'd met someone trustworthy and sincere. We were married very soon as neither of us believed in a long engagement or for us to 'date'..

i remember so many people tell me that i'd be safe in his mothers hands (due to her past, a failed marriage, a terrible divorce, illness etc.., her independent nature was mentioned to me many times too) She raised my husband and his sister with great troubles but in his teens, my husband stepped in, working many jobs until eventually he bought her a house, paid for his sisters wedding and didnt ask a penny of his mother throughout. pls note - His sister, now married for over 5 years has had difficulty concieving..

to come to now - i noticed straight away that the moment i stepped into the house, his mother became completely unwilling to lift a finger, nothing.,no cleaning, no washing, nothing. I work full time and struggled looking after such a big house with only my evenings and weekends to spare, but i tried my best. I learnt to cook but again, struggled after work, to cook afresh daily. still - she didnt step in. I did all i could to please her, suprised her by redecorating, surprised her on her birthday, gifts etc,. still, i noticed when anyone asked her how i was settling in, she'd say - you know kids these days, only know how to live for themselves etc..

I noticed his sister never fully left her maternal hime, her husband working long hours and her attachment to her mother and brother (unhealthy) meant that she almost has a 'right' over my marriage and my decisions. At the same time - his mother fails to communicate with me successfuly leading to misunderstandings that conveniently are never mentioned to him.

His sister 35+ asks her brother to compliment her, jumps into pictures we take alone, holds her brother tight, relies on him heavily to make her decisions. did i mention shes 35+??? and his mother speaks of her daughters 'rights' over this house constantly. A typical example is - she cleaned the kitchen worktops and informed me by saying "i cleaned YOUR kitchen today, it needed it badly"

when his sister is there - "you should eat your every meal here daily, and not lift a finger as you're our guest. but this house is still all yours"..

i just dont udnerstand this nature of life and wonder how much of a future my husband and i will create when our foundations are so deeply infringed by them and their being.,? I understand he has a complete obligation for us to live with his mother forever and care for her, but i also understand that her behaviour and speech towards me is nothing short of snide and sly.

MashAllah - I an now pregnant, and i see this as another blessing but again - soon after we had to seat his sister and promise this child is 'half' hers, so as to not upset her. I do dua for her constantly, advise her on a suitable diet, suitable duas to pray for conception, but at some point i do feel i'll turn around and say - her lack of willpower and motivation to be healthy dont really reflect how desperate she is for a child. the 2 dont correlate at all.

Again - i wonder how much of future i'll have in creating a singular family unit for my child, with my husband, with the constant interference of his mother, to remind me of how much of a right that his sister has, over it.

Lately all of the above has impacted my marriage more than ever, i find my husband defend his mothers behaviour to a point that he will blame me, i find that he uses my speech against me and i don't always feel i can speak to him about how i'm feeling. If i tell myself not to day anytihng, i think - im sacrificing myself for this situation, and for his mother and sister to 'own' my future. but if i do say something - we just argue.

when i talk to married sisters, its as though - this cycle never ends and its a norm. but this is not a norm i want to accept for my life. what to do?

Zahra

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3 Responses »

  1. A.O.A
    Dear sister!

    Its a bitter truth of our society,My sister was in the same situation she tried everything as you did but all in vain then she started being friendly with her husband's sister and shared her feelings with her( Rather than mother in law)in an approriate manner and she supported my sister and now they are living happily the only difference is that her husband's sister is unmarried..

    I dont know what to advice you but be patient And tell your husband to get you a maid as our deen says that..Tell him in good manner like your mother is getting old,she can't help me in household and I can't do everything alone.

    Good to know that you are pregnent and dont worry no one can kept yuor child away from you without your consent and you should understand that your sister in law dont have a child so its nothing wrong is she loves your's child

  2. Sister,

    How do you promise that this child you carry will be half his sisters?! This child is yours and your husbands alone. Your husbands sister will be an Aunt to this child and nothing more. Allah be with you...your home situation sounds very stressful indeed.

    Salam

  3. JazakAllah for the responses.
    i would try the route to befriend my sister in law, however having made small conversation with her and found it come back to different people in twisted and inaccurate ways, i just cant make a further effort with her.

    looking back on where i was and the situations i've seen with my mother in law since i submitted this question - i guess my best advice to myself is to keep sabr. There were times when my husband fully denied what his mother was doing/saying and didn't even wan to hear me out.
    Allah (swt) hu Alim - situations began to arise where it occured in front of his face so there was no need for me to relay any such behaviours to him, he saw them first hand. and there, the defenses dropped.

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