Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confused and in need of guidance

Assalamualaikum ,
first of all . im sorry if my english is bad.

Im a 20 years girl. Asian . i dont know what im supposed to do now. to be honest , i never ask opinions from others. and now i ask brothers and sisters here to help me. because im terribly need a guidance.

i grew up in a family who didnt practice Islam. my parents divorced. both my parents married again. my brother live with his girlfriend. and my sister live with her boyfriend. when i was a teenager , i thought this is normal.

in my past , i also had a boyfriend. we did something , but not sexual intercourse. only touching here and there. i never knew that touching also is a part of zina. (O Allah , forgive my sins and ignorance). when i was a teenager , im really drowning. i keep searching for something in my life. i keep searching and committed a lot of sins. i broke up with my boyfriend cuz he treat me like trash. when i was 18, my parents dont want to take care of me, so i live alone. i went out with random guys , pleading for some attention. hoping that theres someone, willingly to hear my story. but all of them only want something else ! everytime i go out with them , i went home feeling empty. i didnt do anything with them. only want attention.. someone to hear me out. but no one will.

everyday i work hard to support my life. for the rent , bills , i bought furniture .. and all stuffs. only when i was 19. at september 2016, when i was walking home after i said NO to a guy .. i really felt empty. totally hopeless. i feels like im all alone. i dont have anyone .. at that night , i cried real hard and ask myself. "why i keep searching for human's love when there is Allah waiting for me?"

after that night i stopped going out with random guys. i learned how to wear hijab. its terrible , but i dont care as long as my aurah is covered. i asked a lot of people about Islam . i learned how to do prayer .. i memorize surah for prayer.. at that time i didnt know the meaning . because arabic is not my first language. i just memorize it to perform salah. and im learning Quran.

but brothers and sisters,

its really hard to be in this path. im struggling real hard. since im all alone.. all my friends didnt support me. im getting weak and weak everyday. theres a time when i went to perform my salah, someone told me "why you suddenly changed 360° ? You changed because you want to die ?". and also theres another one who said to me "Dont forget you're a lot worst than me in your past". in addition, my boss did not let me perform my salah.

and im getting weak again . all my sins flashback in my memories. things i did with my ex , eventhough we didnt do sexual intercourse , i feel terrible and i think that im really .. stupid. i already repent for my past.. but .

now , June 2017.

i went out with this one guy again .. and i let him touch me. only for a second. but after i went home , i feel empty and hopeless again.

please.. brothers and sisters... help me..

why my iman so weak .. it havent been a year since i changed. and i did it again .. what should i do ? is there any forgiveness for me ? i cant perform my salah right now . and i feel really terrible and hopeless.. is there any chance for me again.. i cried real hard .. i dont want to do this again. i hate myself.. i really regret it. i promised to myself that i wont go out with any non mahram guy again..

but , i did the same mistake twice.. what should i do.. i dont have anyone to talk about this. i dont know wether my taubah is accepted.. but i really do , regret it.. so much. even i hate myself right now.

right now im trying to understand the meaning of salah from arabic to my language .. i want to learn the true meaning of salah . i want to move on .. but i feel like all this things keep haunting me.. is there any chance for me?

sometimes i look at people who born in family who pratice Islam, i feel like they're lucky.. and.. i feel hopeless.. i have to search everything on my own. and i dont even know wether its the right answer to my questions ...

.. help me .. i dont want to drowning again. i dont want to let my past drag me again..

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7 Responses »

  1. Very sorry you are suffering like this. I know how you feel because my wife was exactly same as you before I meet her and she explained everything to me. It's very difficult because it sounds like you are trying to of halal relationship and marry but the men you are choosing are only wanting 1 thing. It is no surprise that men are acting like this, this is very normal but you must protect yourself from such men. Allah tells us what every woman should meet potential husband with a mahram and one of the purposes of the mahram is because men understand men so basically your mahram would be able to work out if this potential man is serious about marriage or just wants to fulfill his desires and use you. It sounds like you are feeling like you need love and need a good husband in your life. This is very normal. Be patient because Allah is with the patient ones and he is with the doers of good. If you do fall into sin again then Allah says don't despair of the mercy of Allah indeed he forgives all sins. What is important is not that you committed a sin but more importantly to seek repentance. Of course shaytan will try and make you sin by playing with your desire and remember the hadith from prophet Mohammed that when there is a (non mahram) man and woman alone then the third one is shaytan and he will whisper into his ear and into your ear so try avoiding such situations will be best. It sounds like you are just lonely and really longing for a good husband who will look after you then remember this... If he wants to have sex before marriage then he will leave before marriage lol and if he doesn't want you to meet his mum and him to meet your parents then he is most probably not serious for marriage. Don't think for one minute that even though he is not ready for marriage that your beauty and looks will be so great that he will eventually fall in love with you and you will change him and he will change his life for you. This is fantasy and nonsense. A good husband man will come to visit you with a mahram only! He will bring a small present when he comes, he will not speak rude or vulgar things but his conversation will be halal.

    • Dear confused,there's no bigger sin then zinna if you didn't commit it or you did its still zinna .the only guidance you can get is by salaah. If your are strong in your repentance Allah will guide you,always remember you not alone Allah is always with people say many thing when you change coz shataan is such that makes people say don't change be wrong an do wrong that's the only way you will find mrright.but I'm a mother of 5kids an I make duaa for my kids to walk on the right path an not do wrong.there's nobody that's perfect in this world we all make mistakes every day knowing an my advice is keep up to you salaah an don't listen to what people say about your past coz they past could be much worst then Allah listen to you everyday so don't give up there is happiness for you ,patience is all you need right now.if you take one step closer to Allah ,Allah will take ten step closer to you.may Allah give us all idaayt an give us the strength to fight evil.

  2. Sister, i really believe it is hard. Try to go to The masjid and meet some people who are practising islam and they could help you to keep your iman strong. Good company really makes difference.

    No matter what you have done on your Life, remember Allah is Forgiving and Merciful and you should never stop praying. Ask Allah to give you strength in your deen and help you to become better muslima.

    Be patient and InshaAllah things Will get better, dont lose hope, it is just a trick of shaytan.

    May Allah protect you. Assalaam aleikum

  3. Walaikumassalam.

    After reading your story, I think a good example for repentance would be the story of Yunus (AS).

    Prophet Yunus bin Matta (peace be upon him) – also referred to as Jonah, was sent by Allah to the people of Nineveh. He called his people to the message of Allah and truth, but initially they rejected his message and persisted in their disbelief and wrongdoings. Disappointed and frustrated, Prophet Yunus left them in anger, threatening them with punishment after three days. However, soon Allah guided the hearts of his people and they realized their mistakes and went out to the desert asking for Allah’s forgiveness. On this, Allah spared them from the punishment.

    About Prophet Younus’s behavior, Allah says in the Quran:

    “And (remember) Dhun-Nun (Prophet Yunus), when he went off in anger (Surah Yunus)

    About the fact that he showed impatience with his people and did not wait for Allah’s instructions, the Quran says:
    “and (he) imagined that We shall not punish him!” (Surah Yunus)

    Prophet Yunus, after leaving his people, went on to board a ship that got caught up in a storm and its people thought that they would drown. In such a desperate situation when the ship was being pounded by waves on all sides, and they were at risk of drowning, they drew lots to decide to throw someone out of the ship in an effort to lighten the load. The Prophet of Allah, Yunus (peace be upon him), lost the draw three times. However, the people of the ship did not want to throw him out of the ship. So, he took off his garment so that he could throw himself into the sea, and they tried to stop him. Allah says:
    “Then he (agreed to) cast lots, and he was among the losers.” (Surah As-Saaffaat 37:141).

    After he threw himself into the sea, Allah sent from the Green Sea — according to what Ibn Masud said — a large fish which cleaved the oceans until it came and swallowed Yunus. Allah inspired that large fish not to devour his flesh or break his bones.

    When in the belly of the fish, Prophet Yunus (peace be upon him) realized his mistake and called out to Allah: “… he cried through the depths of darkness (saying): “There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers.”(Surah Al Anbiya, 21:87)

    Ibn Masud said regarding the `depths of darkness’ that it meant “the darkness of the belly of the fish, the darkness of the sea and the darkness of the night.” Ibn Masud, Ibn Abbas and others also said that “The fish took him through the sea, cleaving it until it reached the bottom of the sea. Yunus heard the rocks at the bottom of the sea uttering glorification of Allah, at which point he said: “There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers” `

    Awf Al-Aarabi said: “When Yunus found himself in the belly of the fish, he thought that he had died. But after he realized that he could still move his legs, he prostrated where he was, and then called out: `O Lord, I have taken a place of worship to You in a place where no other person has reached before.”’

    Allah then tells us in the Quran: “So `We answered his call, and delivered him from the distress. (This means that `We brought him forth from the belly of the fish and from that darkness.’)” “And thus We do deliver (save) the believers.” (Al Anbiya 21:87)

    This clearly shows that when we are in a difficulty or a distressful situation and turn to Allah and call upon Him with sincere repentance, especially with these words, Allah responds to our call. Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.S) also encouraged us to call upon Allah with these words.

    “There is no God but You, Glorified be You! Truly, I have been of the wrongdoers.”

    The Prophet (S.A.W.S) said about this Dua: “No Muslim ever prays to his Lord with these words for anything, but He will answer his prayer.” (Recorded by At-Tirmidhi, An-Nasa’i in Al-Yawm wal-Laylah)

    Allah also made it known that had it not been for Yunus’s (peace be upon him) sincere repentance and his invocations to Him, he would have stayed in the whale’s stomach till the Day of Judgment! The Quran says:
    “Had he not been of them who glorify Allah, He would have indeed remained inside its belly (the fish) till the Day of Resurrection.” (Surah As-Saffaat, 143-144)

  4. And you growing up in a non-practicing family has nothing to do with your faith in Allah at all. Don't you remember the son of Nuh (AS)? He died a Kafir being a son of Prophet.

    And as you said that you were searching for something. Well, you were searching for peace, sister. Your soul was searching for peace and nobody caring about you or wanting to give you attention was a way for you to turn to Allah. Don't you see all that is leading you towards Allah?

    You say "why i keep searching for human's love when there is Allah waiting for me?" There is also human's love, sister, but in a halal way and when the right time comes and Allah's love is unconditional love, sister. He loves you even if you were to commit sins that would reach the sky! And the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) explained us about the mercy of Allah in a beautiful hadith:
    It was narrated that ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “Some prisoners were brought to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and there was a woman among the prisoners who was searching (for her child). When she found her child she embraced him and put him to her breast. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said to us, ‘Do you think that this woman would throw her child in the fire?’ We said, ‘No, by Allah, not if she is able not to.’ The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, ‘Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this woman is to her child.’”

    See here, the mother would never throw her child in the fire, yes? But what if the baby, lets say, intentionally slips and falls into the fire? that's how people end up in hell fire! So the Mercy of Allah is Iman, which, in case of the mother, is the hands of the mother holding the baby from falling into fire. If you intentionally slip out of Iman, then you'll fall in hell fire.

    And now Inshallah I'm going to guide you to increase your emaan and protect it and achieve everything that you want in this life and afterlife. Please reply,. sister.

    JazakAllah Khair.

  5. Next time someone tells you," your past is much worse than me. " Tell them this. " My past maybe worse but the reason you had to bring my past to put me down means i am doing good in my present. When you said " your past was worse." It means that is no longer a reality in my life right now as it was a PAST.All this was possible only because of Allah And i hope iA i 'll keep getting better in life "

    Sister Many people when they think that somebody is doing good in the present and they cannot put him/her down in any way or can't show that they are themselves better than the other person right now , then use the other person's past to show that they 'have been' better. Just smile at them because they are a proof of how you have grown a long way from your past. That is your achievement.

    But please don't get proud because who knows their future can be better than yours. Keep striving and pray that you find a supportive environment and peers for you. Try visiting islamic conferences or other areas where you may find righteous company. You don't have to beg people for this. Allah will take care of it if you are sincere and patient iA.

    And if you sinned again then know that Allah's mercy is bigger than it. iA you will be forgiven. Your feeling regret after sinning is a sign of imaan.

  6. May allah help u to be steadfast and guide us all on the ryt path
    If u use instagram than follow this islamic accounts in sha allah u will be benefitted a lot if allah wills.
    1. @safina5x
    2. @sisterhoodofdeen
    3. @striving_for_akhirah_01
    4. @the_smiling_muslimah

    I hope this will help u to gain ample of knowledge in sha allah.
    If u carry any doubts and explanations u can even message this accounts. I think this will do.
    May allah make ur iman strong aameen ya rabb.

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