Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Hurt and confused by my boyfriend’s constant anger

Burdened heart

I had a boyfriend for almost 1 and a half years. I know religiously it is wrong. My whole family met him. He was a lovely person when I met him. Sweet, caring, kind. I thought my prayers were answered. I had lost my mum to cancer 10 months before I met him. Then slowly he asked me not to go out after a certain time and not to go to my friends' houses who are closer than my own sister, because they have brothers that are younger then me.

I was upset but ok thinking he is a good person and maybe he got affected by other stories he might have heard. He would be judgmental about people he doesn't know, and I would tell him not to speak like that because Allah knows better then us. We began to have fights and I would cry a lot. One day he was smiling saying I never had the intention of leaving you, even though he would make me think that!

I was always understanding towards him. He met my whole family, but didn't really like my sister and brother because they weren't talkative towards him! I looked past everything. Then I thought he realized that I had a disability because of my walk, as I have a left leg with a bit of a limp. He accused me of hiding it from him, but I thought he knew but didn't ask me because I couldn't talk about it. It's an emotional topic which I can't talk about with others.

I cried for almost a month. My family was upset seeing me like that, but my dad didn't know the reason why. Then he came to speak to my dad, asking what is wrong, and my dad was upset that he upset me over something I was born with. He said in anger that if he was going to upset his daughter over it to end it, if not continue. He blamed my family for trying to hide my situation so that he will marry me. You can tell from my walk that I have a condition! I know he has a right to know, but I just couldn't talk about it.

We made up, then later on we broke up two times. When we made up the second time, he told me he met up with his ex girlfriend that he never told me about! And that he regretted it and was crying. He had hidden this from me and acted like he never had a girlfriend, and even had accused me of cheating before he confessed! My family and friends are not fond of him, as they see me upset all the time when before I was confident, happy and full of life. I used to walk on eggshells near him as his mood could instantly change.

He had an argument with my sister also. Then he told me my family can't come to our wedding. He said that my condition should have been told to him from the beginning and then we might have not gone this far (even though he said he would  not have had a problem with it), and that everything done to him (which is my condition and my family getting upset with him) is unfair.

He upset me so many times, this is not even 1/10th of the things he said to me. I prayed to Allah all the time, and one day for Allah's sake and my family I said "you are right, let's separate as we are not going to be happy, and I don't want to be the reason for anyone's unhappiness". Then he told me to think about it, he doesn't have a problem with me, just my family. Then we spoke again and he told me he can't guarantee he will make me happy because of all that happened, and he can't let go off the past. He is thinking what if me and my family tricked him. He says my condition might be an issue later, but then says his door is always open to me.

Looking back I can also see the little lies he told me to make himself look perfect. I was praying 5 times a day and learning Quran when I met him, and thought Allah answered my prayers when I met him. I had told him months before if my condition is a problem to leave me, but he said no. Then months later he says this to me! He would say we are not going to be happy because of what my family did. What about the things he did and said to me!? (if I write everything it will become an essay so I won't) I always forgave him. He has so much anger and resentment about past issues which I told him its from the devil, just forgive as Allah forgives bigger sins. But then he gets angry at me saying what about my pride.

My family was willing to talk to him and apologize and fix things to make me happy, but he would not speak to them. He isn't a bad person, but just can't control his anger. I miss him a lot but I know it's for the best. I know my family and friends want the best for me but I'm hurting a lot. I've put my trust in Allah but I'm scared also. I just want to know, was I being unfair to him? With my condition? And what my family did? What if he contacts me again?


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8 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum sister,

    You said:

    "He isn't a bad person, but just can't control his anger."

    He has an abusive nature. I might have suggested that you marry him or leave him immediately, but I strongly feel from your post that you need to let go of him completely with no other choice. If you change your number and online contact information (block him every place you can), he won't be able to contact you. And in the odd chance he does, he should be talking to your father directly.

    Also, you said: (and I should have probably started with this)

    "I had a boyfriend for almost 1 and a half years. I know religiously it is wrong."

    Sister, if you know it is wrong, how can you expect that things will go right? It is like saying: I intentionally dropped a plate on the floor, and now I am shocked it is can I fix this? Sister, you shouldn't be talking to guys and you shouldn't have boyfriends. The boys that want to date you are rarely serious about marriage and are just "testing" the waters and enjoying the time, but you are not the boat they plan on keeping! Rarely will these boys be the ones that are sincere. Women are trapped all the time like this because we fall for the words and the charm because even when a husband approaches his wife for intimate relations, he is told to use sweet words with her.

    “None of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.” The Companions exclaimed, “What is that messenger?” The Prophet replied, “Kisses and (romantic) words!” (Reported by Al-Daylami)

    Obviously this is for married couples, but unmarried girls can learn a lot from this. As soon as you start communicating secretly with a boy, you are running the risk of ruining your Akhiraah because of your female nature. Boys who know this nature use it against girls by sweet-talking them. So simply stay away from this boy or any other boy for that matter. Leave the matter to your father, as he is your wali. Frankly speaking, even if this boy did come to your father, I wouldn't suggest marrying him at all. If he is upset about your disability, imagine how he would react if you got sick after marriage? Take this experience as a lesson, move on, and do not take lightly the fact that as Muslims we do not date.

    Please sister, make tawbah for the time that you spent with that boy. Ask Allah to forgive you and make you forget about him. Focus on your deen, your education, and ask your father to help you find someone to marry. May Allah ease your pain and help you to be successful in this world and the next, inn shaa Allah. Ameen.

  2. Salaam sister,
    It does not appear that you above done anything wrong. He sounds like a immature young man. You both sound very young and not in any position to be thinking about marriage. From the above facts, get on with your life and try and make most of it, insha Allah. He is bad news. He does not trust you and clearly has many secrets himself. I would suggest you leave him completely and get him out of your life. Repent to Allah for the wrongs you have committed.

    Also having a relationship outside the marriage is haraam. How can you expect Allah to help you when your committing haraam? This is an islamic website and is for people who need help and advice regarding Islam and issues related to this. Your issue is not related to Islam but a common relationship issue whereby you are a Muslim.

    May Allah guide us all.


  3. Assalamu alaykum sister,

    I dont think you was being unfair to him at all. Stop all the comunication with this guy, you are not even married and he is already showing you his true colors! Be thankful for that, dont do the same mistake as so many other sisters on this page to marry a guy like him. Stop talking to him, boyfriend girlfriend relationship is haram in islam. He doesnt respect you nor does he respect your family, on top of that he has an anger issue!!!! Why would you even want to be with a person like this??? Never marry a guy with an anger issue!!! You lucky that Allah showed you his true colors now 🙂 Thank Allah for this sister and stop the comunication.

  4. Dear Sister,

    He told you he has issues with you and your family because of something you have no control over (your disability), and you still want to be with him? How were you being unfair to him? I think you are just trying to find excuses for him. The mistake that your family made was letting you have a boyfriend. These premarital relationships only cause problems because you end up getting deep feelings for someone who is not even worth it. But these feelings develop only because of spending too much time with someone, but if you think logically you will see that there is not much compatibility. Try to see what happened as a blessing, you have a chance to have a fresh start. May Allah guide and and protect you.

  5. This is why premarital relationships are haram. Guys have fun, trick girls, find excuses and then dump them with emotional baggage for pious guys like us. He is doing nothing but playing games, ignore him.

    • @fatimaa : Sis, no one has the right to steal your self worth like that.This guy sounds like a typical abusive personality, for which ego and pride are the first priority.Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a person like that?Three words : 'LEAVE HIM NOW'.You will cry, feel very depressed and lonely for a couple of months.That is natural, give yourself time to heal.During that phase, pray a lot, ask Allah for help and guidance, ask Him to forgive you for any past sins and make a firm vow never to return to them.Sis, what I have noticed is, women are too prone to emotionalism, which blinds them to reality.You say he isn't a bad person, inspite of him having put you and your family through such a trial.That is probably because you are thinking of all the good times you had with him, when he made you feel loved and important.But sis, remember, you were not created on this planet in order to find your Prince Charming.Every one is born alone and dies alone, and girls really need to realize that if a guy is playing with their emotions like that, well you should be the one dumping HIM and moving on and making a success out of your life in one way or the other and creating your own 'happily ever after'.You can do that by studying hard, moving forward with your career if you have one, honing any talents you might have.It will be hard at first, but slowly you will begin to feel a new peace and independence.And do try and pray as much as you can, read the Quran, try and understand it, do good with other people try and grow spiritually, there is no other form of therapy.As for marriage, pray for marriage to a good, understanding, loving,faithful and righteous spouse, which will Insha'Allah happen in its own good time, otherwise, marriage to the wrong person can be hell.And I'm sure you would rather be a strong, independent, religious, single woman, than trapped in a hell like marriage with the wrong spouse.As for this guy, forget about him.Even if he tries to reconcile and tries to cajole you with crocodile tears and soft words, don't fall for it.Because he simply isn't worth it.
      Lastly, sis, don't let other people make you feel dirty or tainted or worthless.You made a mistake in judgement, like every human since the beginning of time has.Plus your family knew about this from the start so it wasn't even as if you were hiding any thing from them, or breaking their trust.So just ask Allah sincerely for forgiveness, promise not to go back to it again and move on.Best of luck, sis!

  6. Sister,

    Stay away from this guy and never, ever return to him. If you think you hurt now, you will have a lifetime of hurt to look forward to as his wife...of that I can promise.


  7. Looks like he just wanted to use you. How come he did not notice a limp when he met you. People with uncontollable anger can be dangerous, just find some one else. He probably was nice to you before you became intimate.

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