I am confused but I want to become a good Muslimah and be accepted in the society
Promise me you will always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.
Hello,
Firstly, I am a white english lady in my 30s. I was brought up with a Christian background however, as a family no religion was practiced. I always had a feeling of a higher being or god or something more to life.
I used to party, take drugs, get drunk and have boyfriends which was quite normal. Believe it or not. 5 years ago I met a Muslim man from Jordan. He introduced Islam and I started to take an interest for the first time in my life I started to think more about the actions I take and who I am. I ended up marrying this man, he too used to drink alcohol and we did have relations before we got married. But, after marriage; everything changed. He did and quite rightly so, quit alcohol and started to take more interest in his religion.
At first, I didn't get it and I started to get annoyed as it was so different to my life. Time went on, I had a death in the family and at this point I did begin to pray. However, this didn't last long and I stopped praying. I still went out with friends and I still did drink alcohol as it is such a big part of life. If I said, I wanted to stop drinking, people would say that my husband was trying to control me. My family did not like him at all and some of them refused to come to my house. It was a very difficult time as I was still living a "Western" life but with a Muslim husband.
We argued and argued, he got very frustrated and did become violent on a handful of occasions. I then stopped having any faith.I just did not get it. I wanted to be considered "normal" with my friends and family. I wanted to go out, enjoy a bottle of wine, have a dance, fit in. We ended up divorcing which in the end was mutual; I returned back to a life of dating and alcohol. Now, I am fed up; I do not know who I am? everything, every action I take goes back to Islam. I have stopped alcohol, I had too as it makes me so, so depressed. I have cut contact with any men. I have started to listen to Quran. I have started to go on Islamic websites.
I have started to look at Mosques in my area. I need help. I am thinking more and more about God. I have started to say prayers (just in my head) before I go to sleep. I have started to read more and more about reverts. I am so confused as I didn't want anything to do with Islam, but something has changed inside me; I cannot go back to my life of parties. It's just is not me now. I am becoming un-sociable. I only see my family and close friends now. I do not want to go out; I live alone and I would like to have children and not be alone. How can I be accepted as a Muslim? By my family, friends and especially my workmates. I am quite a weak person and I do like to fit in and be liked.
It's a very difficult time for me but I also feel quite in control. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Peace,
Aurora.
10 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaam (Peace be upon you, Aurora.)
I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. But I am very pleased to hear you are interested in Islam. Being a Muslim is beautiful, but the reality is it is not easy. The path to success is not an easy one, but it is rewarding in the end. Dear sister aurora, change is very difficult. Do not be hard on yourself. You have changed from being a 'party girl' to avoiding alcohol and staying away from such things. You will feel unsociable and not so in tune with those you felt close with due to the change.
You have been socialising like this for many years so not doing so is difficult. Its like breaking a life long habit. But it will get easier and you will find new ways to socialise which fit with Islam. Many reverts have this problem of integrating afterwards but many of them also eventually find they no longer miss their party lifestyle. They get contentment and peace from Islam and from loving their brothers and sisters and meeting them for Allahs sake.
Many reverts also feel isolated from their family. Some are unfortunately ridiculed and many lose friends. They cannot take that their friends changed and they are unsupportive. But remember your true friends will stick by you and accept you as you are. They wont mock you for staying away from alcohol. I just want to reassure you all this is normal.
Try to spend some time at local masjids. Meet some muslim sisters there. Be friendly and say salaam to any sister you see and smile. Even if they dont smile back - that is a reward for you. Meeting your sister with a smile and greeting of salam (peace) is a sunnah (from the example of the Prophet (pbuh)) so we gain reward. So remember this, even if the sister blanks you its your reward. This will also have the added benefit of increasing love between us.Try to get involved with the masjid. Dont be afraid to go to sisters events and to lectures organised by the mosque. Slowly you will integrate God willing.
Also if you have trouble you can always confide in the Imam or his wife and ask them to guide you towards good Muslim sisters who can help you. We have a few reverts on this site. InshaAllah /(God willing) some of them can offer some words of encouragement to you.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Im not much on giving advice but i read that you had a christian upbringing. Please take the time to watch the link, it's a story of a brother whom reverted from Christianity to Islam. It's very entertaining & enlightening & may inspire you alot as it did me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bynbGhdFzKQ
Hope it helps you sister
Asalaamu-alaikum
(May the peace & blessings of God be upon you)
Assalmu Alaykum,
I can't believe I just stumbled on this today, seeing this story just confirmed that Allah, peace be upon him is around me. I am too a revert, I converted Sept 9 2010. I am too in he same situation, I have been with a Muslim man for 4 years, we have had a tamultuous relationship and we are married in Islam. He is a recovering drug addict and has relapsed twice. Just recently he has been more interested in his religion as he thinks its the only thing that will keep him on the true path of staying clean and sober.
When I met him he was like any other guy I met, didn't practice religion but knew a lot about it, his family is also Muslim but not practicing. It wasn't until a while later did I realize his drug problem was an issue, we fought about it for 2 years, most people would have thought to leave but I knew some where inside of him there was a good person, he was very angry but I knew the good person was in there so I stayed. It wasn't until last year in August that I had enough, I coudln't handle it anymore, I was about to turn 30 and I felt i was with a boy not a man. I had to go to his family as they thought I was the problem to tell then that he was a drug addict, and I was going to leave for good if he continued. Thank god I did as he was soon to end up dead or in Jail. They were shocked and so sad but in the back of thier mind I knew they knew something wasn't right. Soon after that he swore to me he was going to clean up and get "better".
Much to my surprise he did, he started going to the mosque, praying going to classes and stopped the drugs. Although all of a sudden he didn't want me around, he said he needed to do this on his own to get better and then he could help me and heal us. This killed me, I had stuck it out for so long and he was ready to just leave me alone when I was the one who basically saved him. I was depressed and didn't know what to do. This is when I went to the mosque to speak to someone on how to help me get thru this difficult time, I spoke to the Imam who spoke with me assured me that my boyfriend had mentioned me and our relationship and that he did love me but he did need time to settle into his new life. This was the day I converted. He made me feel so welcome and comforted, unlike everyone else who told me to just walk away and that I was wasting my time.
We eventually got married and attended classes together but something still wasn't right, he was not happy, he didn't want to work and his anger was stilll there even though he prayed 5 times a day. I started to lose hope that even Allah could not help us. Eventually after months the praying stopped, I felt alone and defeated as I knew we were heading down the slippery slope of addiction again, I told him this would happen and I was right, the summer that just passed we were back into our old life style again.
I feel ashamed to say this but its the truth, he had becoem ever more angry and abusive and I had once again had enough, I swore I was going to leave him again and went back to his parents for help, this was 2 weeks ago and like last time he is back embracing Islam full throttle and I am very upset, I feel I cannot trust him and I am scared to commit to the religion again. We had to move home to our parents house and live seperatly. I am not dealing well as next week I turn 31 and live away from him and with my non religious parents who are not open to religion at all. He is back being good and postive but I fear that its a just a fast fix to get him away from drugs and who knows what the future holds.
I want to regain my faith in Islam but I am so hurt that I have ended back to where I am not comfortable practicing and I have no one to talk to. I'm trying to regain trust and stop blaming him for me feeling this way but its hard to know where to turn. He (my boyffrend) has it easy, he lives in a open Muslim household where it is accepted and I'm in a household where it is not and now I can't get myself better by asking Allah for help and forgivness.
Sorry this is soo long winded but I have been searching for somewhere to put my thoughts because i feel terrible about my thoughts and fear if I go to the Mosque I will be judged.
Thank you for listening and know that there is someone that also shared your thoughts.
Peace be with you.
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
I am sure this is all really difficult for you, and there is alot more for you to deal with yet, may Allah make your path easier. But why do you fear committing to the religion once you have accepted it? Afterall, its not the religion that is letting you down. Its your husband who is letting you down. Do you know any Muslim sisters? Having good Muslim friends would be a big help. You may be able to move out and live with them, or you could attend classes with them, or just their moral support and company would be helpful at this difficult time.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SisterZ
IslamicAnswer.com Editor
SisterZ,
I am holding so much anger as a lot more stuff has been going on in my life right now other than this part so right now I have lost faith in just about everything. Its just the last few days that I have been more open to go back to the Mosque and starting to get back in the community again. I know its not the religion but I feel taht so much as gone wrong lately and if we would have stayed praying and on the straight path this might not would have happened. But I don't actually know how to get back on the path as I've been so angry lately. He is very much relying on Islam to help him and he is more calm and more at peace but this angers me as I feel so upset. I guess I'm just skeptical and want these feelings to pass.
I'm planning on going to a Quran class for woman next week and hoping that there will be some woman I can meet who can support me in this time. I feel many are quite a nit older than me and very devote and its almost intimidating so I hoep to meet a few my age.
Thank you for your response so quick.
Assalmu Alaykum
Amanda
Sister amanda, turn to Allah and He wil surely help you... U will surely find peace and Allah will surely guide u.. Just make it very serious, start attending the koran classes, start praying and asking Allah to help u and to heel him, try as much as u can to go closer to Allah, and try as much as you can to meet good muslim sisters and make them as friends as this will help u alot...... What i understand from ur post is u are not yet married to this man. I think you shld give him few time to recorver and if things start going well, u ve to stop dating and get married asap... May Allah help u. I feel and care for u just for d sake of Allah ..
Dear Amanda,
You're going through a very testing time, it must be difficult with no family or friends to lean on. I understand your husband needs space to get through this, but what he also needs to do is understand that you are feeling vulnerable and displaced at the moment. You must be asking yourself: 'Does he even want our marriage to work? And if he does, can I trust him again?' Perhaps you need some reassurance from him and a 'time line'; and at the same time you both need to be communicating - maybe with a marriage counsellor too. At least then you will know that you are both working towards something positive and that you are not just left hanging or being shut out, as otherwise you don't know what he wants and thats not a very nice place for you to be in mentally. I do understand how you feel Amanda. I think you are stronger than your husband and you have always been his rock. But now maybe he is feeling that he needs to sort himself out - literally 'himself'. Perhaps thats a good thing Sis. If you feel what I have said is actually how you feel, try to convey this to him, as it will make the 'wait' alot less stressful for you. Knowing that your marriage is solid and secure will take away some of your anxiety.
The Quran classes will be the best form of counselling you can recieve. I have just recently begun Tafseer classes (explanantion of Quran), and they are so inspiring, soothing and the best part of my week. My class is also a mixture of reverts, non-reverts, young and old - and they are all lovely. One thing you will inshaAllah find in such gatherings are beautiful friends and sisters for life. I dont know which country you are in, but if you in the UK, London, I'll give you details of some very welcoming Quran/Islamic classes.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
First of all decide whether u want to be a believer or an atheist
Secondly , its ur western mentality that have really tarnished islam that islam has no freedom
Well u said " u r a person who likes to fit in and be liked"
Well follow islam u will fit in the society not like a pathetic western way but a way in which ull earn respect and
Ull be liked , now it depends on which ppl u want to be liked
Ppl u drink , party , n have no religion
Or ppl who r modest , pray n follow religion
first ask to ur self what u want to be
ull automaticall find ur answer
Trueblood,
Don't you think; you were a bit rude and harsh with the sister. What positive can she take from your advice. Stop judging others, instead help them if you can. She came here for help not to be bashed by you. Also, which planet you are living if I may ask? Because, most converts especially sisters are struggling all over the world even when they are fully practising and do everything according to Quran, Hadith and Sunnah. And for your information; they are not supposed to cut relationships with their parents and siblings for whatever reason. Islam teaches us to be respectful toward our parents and siblings no matter what religion they follow, whether they drink, party or do other stuff. There are clear guidelines to how to deal with them according to Islam.
Next time be careful with what you say; because your words can push someone in further darkness and misery. If you don't have anything constructive to say then please don't say anything; such comments won't be tolerated next time.
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
I agree with the part of being "liked", it is very difficult to try to seperate your old life from your new life as a new Muslim where there isn't much support from the people in your life that you still want to be in your life. No one wants to lose freinds/family that have been in thier life for a long time so to try to balance both things out is tough.
I deal with this everyday, I am a believer but I am just having trust isssues, and when you are dealing with trying to regain the trust within yourself and to start to live like a good Muslim when there are the "friends and family in your life that are against it this only makes trying to stick to your new life more difficult.
I so much want to be part of a good community and live with my husband as good Muslims but trying to get him to understand how he can be a good muslim to his wife is also diffcult, even though he was born and raised Muslim he doesn't know very much of the religion. He is learning to be good and fit in this new community as well which puts more weight on us, he has to learn to be good himself and then how to be good to his wife. Sorry I was not clear in my above note, we are married but as I feel I am not treated liek a wife and were we do not live together right now I feel even less of a wife.
Thank you very much for your comments and offerings, I am in Canada but I am close to 2 mosques and starting next week I will be attending the classes to learn more on my own so I am not depending on my husband to fill me in with the knowledge he has yet to aquire. I know this will only help me in the end as well as us, I will stop expecting stuff of him that he is not even aware that he should be doing and I will gain trust and more knowledge of the religion. He is going to Quran classes and well and talking to the Imam to help him in his learning.