Parents want me to marry a cousin, but I’m in love with my boyfriend
Decisions.
Salaam everyone,
I'm in need of all the advice I can get.
I'm with this guy and we want to get married in the future, well engaged possibly soon. but the thing is, I have kept this a secret from my parents as it would be very hard to inform them about my bf (we are both muslims but different castes)..
As they don't know about my bf, they've been getting me marriage proposals from guys which I rejected many times, one of which is my far cousin.
They really want me to marry my cousin. Everyone is happy and to see them happy makes me happy for a while but them I start feeling guilty as they all think I will say yes to my cousin.
I feel like I've failed to be a good daughter. (I wouldn't of minded marrying my cousin but I'm with my bf, I want to marry him)..
So, I decided to tell them about my bf and they didn't take it well, they told me to cut all times with my bf, I said I will but im still talking to him cuz I really love him and want to be with him.. my dad didn't take it well either, he isn't talking to me, its been a whole week now, I feel bad..
I know, ive done wrong by keeping it a secret but everyone makes mistakes. I've sinned I know (Allah swt will never forgive me). They disagreed cuz of his caste and his family, for example, my parents don't know his family, she said, they might treat me bad and he will leave me for his family if something was to go wrong between us.. but I really cant leave him.. im 19, hes 24. Hes told his parents and they disagreed and said they don't want him to get married just yet.
I don't want to go against my parents wish but also don't want to leave him. im in a dilemma which is so hard for me to decide. I try to pray as much as I can, insh'Allah, im striving to become a better muslim, I will repent to Allah swt for all the wrongs I have done as now I have realised how much I am in the wrong and have sinned greatly. im a bad muslim, I know that but im repenting to Allah Swt in hope he shall forgive me as he is the greatest forgiver of them all.. I feel broken from the inside but I feel good when I know ive got Allah swt to help me through this dilemma..
I don't know what to do? I don't want to leave him or upset my family, my dad said to me not to break his trust and I feel like I am and im still committing a sin whilst doing this
Thank you everyone,
someone that needs advice 🙁
- Imme
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perform salatul istakhara. u'll get the answer to ur problem. if Allah thinks this guy ur in love with is good for u, He'll send u a sign in ur dream, and u'll know. if not, u'll get another sign which means he's bad for u, and u have to forget him. Allah will make it easy for you.
Assalam Walikoum Sister,
First of all, don't ever despair from Allah's mercy. No matter what you do, keep your sins concealed and pray for forgiveness, not just once but every time you pray. So on that matter, don't worry and don't let the Shaytan make you feel that you are doomed because Allah is always there for His believers and the doors of repentance are always open until the Hour.
Regarding your issue, I can tell you I know how you feel. I am in this situation, have been for 2 years. I got married to a convert, Alhamdoullilah, but my parents weren't happy because he was not from the same country. After all this time, they have gone and come around. But I will tell you, do not make the same mistake I did by asking your father to be your wali BEFORE praying Salat al Istikhara... I think to me that was the biggest regret. I became closer to Allah, my husband and I both did and at this point I have to do what Allah orders me to. Your parents will not be there forever, as a woman you need a husband to complete half your deen. The reason why so many young men and women fall into sin is because they are afraid of their parents expectations with whom they should marry.
Sister, pray and repent before you do anything else. Cut off contacts with your 'boyfriend' because he is a Non-Mahram and continue to pray. Once you repent, pray Salat al Istikhara and ask Allah to guide you. Once you do that, ponder on this man and if he can complete your deen . Does he pray, is he a following believer ? Does he have a good character ? If so and you truly believe he is a good Muslim man then calmly talk to your parents and explain to them Islamically a marriage has to have your consent and you want to marry the man of your choice. If they do not accept and you still feel this man can be a good Muslim husband then go speak to an Imam and see your options. However, make sure you exert all efforts with your parents before thinking of just having your Nikkah done because unless your parents have a VALID Islamic reason for denying this marriage, it is lawful for you to marry this man .
Keep your head up, Allah has a plan for everyone.
Salam
salam sis. it would be best if u forget him. i hope ALLAH bless you with pious muslim man amin!!!
Salam Sis
I disagree with some off the above comments. However you know what you really want, Your in love with a man who loves you right?? how is cutting ties with your bf condusive for two people who want to get married. you need to be stern with your parents and tell them this is where your happines lies. There is no casts in Islam. and you should get married asap.
So you know what you want for your self. You cant just cut off ties with your bf thats impossible as your planning on marrying him. I do not think jepordising your happiness to conform to some twisted notion your parents have is ridicilous. your parents are doing this through pride and not islam. Ultimantley your happiness is paramount for them and that is how it should be. Repent to Allah as you are doing already just talk to you bf on the phone and get married ASAP regardless of what others think. otherwise you will be miserable for the rest of you life.Marrying someone else.
Allahualum
Salam
Azeem
Assalaamualaikam
Even if two people have a great attraction to each other, Islamic guidance still applies - so, people should not be engaging in premarital relationships, as we are told to avoid even approaching zina. If her boyfriend wishes to, he can propose; if his proposal is rejected for unIslamic reasons, they can approach another representative and ask them to consider it as her wali.
You're right that there is no caste in Islam, and that the idea of rejecting someone based on that is not acceptable in Islam; however, even when two people are planning to get married, there should be "No couple before nikah".
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I went down this path, infact I divorced my cousin because he tried to be very controlling and then I met my current husband and was able to force to my parents to allow me to marry him. They were against my marriage because they wanted me to be married within the family also. It turned out that my husband now is as controlling as a husband can be.
My sincere advise would be to reason it out with your parents. In this situation- things are complicated and hard for you to make a decision. Make istakhara and share the results with your parents. See if you can get your dad and mom on your side and ask them to make istakhara for your well being beyond the cast system. In the end- I don't think you should go against your parents wishes, I know it's easier said than done but you don't want your parents to have any kind of unacceptance feelings about your spouse.
I wish you the best.
I was in similar situation couple months back , listen sweetheart can I just say one thing your parents can be right about the thing that he could leave you for his family all of a sudden im not saying it out of blue im saying it from what I experience like I been in similar situation I desperately wanted to marry a guy who I had a relationship with he lied to me many times but I still cared enough to stay than a time came he never ever would tell his family about me days went along his mum passed away so everyone was forcing him to get married because he had younger siblings who needed a women around house to look after them.
I would keep telling him about how he should begin to tell his dad about me so I can be the women who can take care of all this and how he shouldn't fear even though we was from both two different caste I don't know if he was telling truth if he did or not because I never trusted him after what he did to me before this but he said he had and how the fact his family didn't approve because I wasn't same kind as him so after 2 weeks or so he just left me like that without a meaning he didn't even argue or fight for me.
So you know the moral of my story is that you can never trust anyone even if you had a long relationship with them you never know when they will just leave you or betray you like that. I been in pain for months weeks days because of this and I don't want anyone else to go onto a similar situation like this because it kills .
I just want to say that you need to be careful out there people don't really seem how they really are they hide their true colours in end some men even women use one and other out there for fun or sake of it but nowun out there will know true meaning of love the haram way so its best if you listen to your parents no matter what because it leads you on right path and the marriage is done in a halal way.
I know you wouldn't want to be marrying cousins even if there distant or what , just tell your parents you don't approve marrying any cousins but you wouldn't mind if they find you someone outside family.
However if you do really trust this guy and you think he will be the one who can make your iman stronger and keep you focused on your deen than do an isthikhara like how people suggested above so that Allah swt can guide you on right path but don't take risks please because there's no going back to changing mistakes out there don't be doing silly stuff like running away with the guy or doing a secret marriage without knowing truth or seeing the guys true colours.
Like I said you cant trust anyone these days even if you think you know them I hope you understand im not trying to be negative I do wish the best for you I know how it kills when you cant marry who you want just because of the caste they are but sometimes we just have to be careful out there .
Anyway sister wish you all the best good luck with whatever you decide ,but if I was you i would be careful not to believing everything the guy says because these days people make promises as a joke and break them of like it had no meaning in beginning just to lock you in their trap and make sure there's no escape in beginning , and when they feel like they want to let you go that's it they'll be willing to hurt you or do anything to you just to make them happy and feel less bored with the previous one.
Some guys even girls cant stick with one choice , so id be very careful if i was you im only saying all this to protect you from falling to deeply and getting hurt in end.
May Allah swt keep you happy and guide you to the right path throughout this in shaa allah ameen.
Assalaamualaikam sister
It sounds as though you're in a very difficult position. The first thing I would suggest is to try what I do when I find myself in a confusing situation or don't know the right thing to do - read about The Prophet (peace be upon him) and the early days of Islam, and try to follow their example of applying Islamic principles to life. I would also advise praying Istikhara - ask Allah to guide you to that which is good for you in this life and the next.
With regards your boyfriend, I can empathise with the position you both find yourselves in, but it is important that Islamic guidance is followed. Teachings on premarital relationships are clear, and for good reason, as premarital relationships can have upsetting and harmful consequences, without clear protection of the rights of both parties. Even if guidance doesn't say what we feel we want to hear, it's important to listen and try to follow it, as it was given to us as a blessing from Allah. If you and your boyfriend wish to marry and have a halal relationship, he should propose marriage and approach your family. If he is turned away for unIslamic reasons, such as caste or race, that is not an appropriate ground to reject him on, so you and he can approach another family member to act as your wali if required - it would be prudent in this situation to first discuss the matter with an imam who can provide support and much more authoritative guidance. If, however, your family have other concerns, try to listen to them and consider them - are they worried about his character, his faith, his ability to provide for you...?
If he doesn't want to propose, I would advise stepping back from the relationship, as you deserve better than to sit waiting for something that may never happen. While it is hard to do so, remember that whatever we give up for Allah's sake, Allah grants us something much better.
In Islam, there is no room for forced marriage, so your family cannot force you to marry your cousin if you don't want to. You mention, however, that if you weren't with your boyfriend you might be willing to marry this cousin; so, it might be worth taking another look at this idea. Consider his character, his deen, his compatibility with you, and then decide for yourself if you want to discuss marriage. If you don't want to, though, you don't have to marry either of them.
Your family may be disappointed, but ultimately, they love you and want what they think is best for you, even if they don't always get it right (I don't think parents ever get it 100% right, to be honest); if you reassure them that you are repenting for your mistakes and that you are trying to resolve the issue in a halal way, inshaAllah they should come to your assistance.
Midnightmoon
islamicAnswers.com editor
ASalam o alaikum sister!!!
I know what you're going through,because I'M GOING THROUGH the same(,in my case I've never met him in person).......
ALL I can say is make sure he is a good MUSLIM because only a good person will make a good husband!!! if he is,try to convince your parents???
ALL THE BEST SISTER!!! MAY ALLAH HELP US!!!
I m also in same situation my bf is a year younger to me but we speak different indian language. our love is very true I badly wana mary him. as I am eldest daughter my parents forcing me to marry some other.. I cant tel ma parents about my bf coz he is in 3rd year engineering. he hav already told his parents they agreed sayng we'll see after his completion of studies. hope Allah help me to get married to him
sania, nothing good will come from secrecy. Let your boyfriend and his family come to your parents with a proper proposal of marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I dnt wana hurt my parrnts at the same time I dnt wana leave my bf..
Then be honest with your parents and stand up for yourself. Honestly don't waste time, time is pious get your chance with the guy you love then being with someone you cant have the click with. May Allah give you the encouragement you need.
How do you perform salat-ul-istikhara?
I have read many versions, but dont know which is correct also I do not know the salat-ul-istikhara dua by heart, what am I to do then?
Salaams,
There is a link on the main page to a helpful article about istikhara. If you're like me, and don't know the arabic form of dua by heart, you can make the two rakats and then read the dua in a transliterated form of Arabic after you salaam out. If even the transliteration is too difficult for you, Just read the dua in your native language. Salatul istikhara is a means of guidance, not an obligatory regular practice. So doing the best you can to get the guidance you need won't be counted against you in shaa Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam
I am in love wit a boy and really want time get married to him but his family is saying that they want him to arty his cousin but he is insisting that he want to marry me but still now he is trying to talk with them but still now he don't have any support fringe his family. We can't leave without each other. Plz I need ur advice
jainaba, it's up to the boy to stand up to his family and make his wishes clear. There is no forced marriage in Islam. If he's not willing to do that, then I don't see a future for you. And yes, you can live without each other.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor