Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confused married life

second wife

Asalam O Walaikum,

Since my childhood me and my cousin liked eachother. It's been around 8 years that we are married to eachother and have 2 sons. During these 8 years she kept misbehaving with me and even kept abusing me oftenly. I complained her parents so many times to forbid her not to use slang words and not to abuse me but her parents never paid serious attention to my complains and always supported their daughter. I tried my best to make our married life happy but the situation did not change at all and even went worse day by day. During this time she kept asking me to divorce her on several occassions. Moreover she never respected my parents as well. The time kept passing with the same circumstances and I was completely faded up with the circumstances. Different people said that our couple is effected by black magic.

Last year, I fell in love with my office colleague. She was very broad minded and I did not like this thing. As a friend I did not have any problem but when it comes to serious relationship, its not bearable for me. She was very friendly with the office colleagues and her past colleagues, that is why I heard negative and vulgar comments from some ill minded guys many times. Most of her friends were boys. But nature wise she was really good and positive thinker. She was first my good friend and I shared my problems with her as a friend. At that time she was engaged with someone else. Suddenly her engagement was broken due to some family issues and then she asked me if I can marry her. She told me that she used to hang up with her ex-fiance oftenly and also they kissed. This thing impressed me that she has told me this thing clearly and didn't try to hide it, even I didn't know her ex-fiance and if she wouldn't tell me these things, I would never come to know it through any sources. I replied positively. Day by day I noticed very positive changes in her. She quit her friendship with boys, as I did not like it. For marriage she put a condition that I will have to divorce my first wife before marry her. I replied positively without thinking anything. I fell in deep love with her and as the days passed she fell in love with me too. At that time I decided to divorce my first wife and then marry her. That girl continuously kept forcing me to divorce my first wife without wasting any more time. I kept trying to divorce her but something was stopping me to do so, may be because of my children and our parents and family. I wasn't getting any chance to divorce her. Finally I tried to divorce her but our parents and family members got involved in this matter and all came to know that I am doing this because I wanted to marry the other girl. According to Muftis the divorce which I issued to her was counted as a single divorce and I had 3 months to revive my marriage. Different Maulanas said that I was effected by Black Magic by a girl and that's why I am so desperate to divorce my first wife.

Everyone in my family blammed me without understanding the problems of my married life which I have been facing for 8 years. I was so desperate to marry that girl and I found a way. I told that girl clearly that I will not divorce my first wife and wanted to marry her as well, she agreed as she was in deep love with me. So, I moved to UAE alone to find a job and finally I got a job and I came to Pakistan to marry that girl, thought that I would take her to UAE with me after marrying her and after some time I will let my parents know about my second marriage. I kept everything highly confidential. Only few of my friends know about it. I came to Pakistan for 4 days. Asked my friends to play a role as my elder brother and his wife and went to that girl's home for my marriage propsal. Me and that girl told her parents lie that I was divorced, didn't tell anything that I am already married. I lied to her parents that my parents can't come for my marriage proposal as they were in Saudia and that's why my elder brother (who was actually my friend) and his wife have arrived for my marriage proposal. Next day, we arranged a small ceremony and did Nikah on 12th February, 2017 and I took her to UAE with me, keeping everything highly confidential. After few days my first wife came to know about my second marriage and she again started misbehaving with me, used slang language with me and insulted me.

My parents still do not know about my second marriage till date and I do not know why but I can not dare to inform my parents about my second marriage. I do not want to dirvorce my first wife now and even do not want to leave my second wife, as I am happy with my second wife and she respects and cares about me alot. Now I am too much worried as my first wife is continuously asking me to divorce my second wife and my second wife has also asked me for few times to divorce my first wife. I do not want to divorce any of them, as if I leave either of them, their life will be spoiled and effected in a very bad way and on the other side my parents still do not know about anything whatever is going on and I can not dare to inform my parents. I am afraid of their reaction after knowing about my second marriage. My second marriage is based on a lie, as her family members except her mother do not know that I am already married and even they do not know that who went there for my marriage proposal were not my real brother and brother's wife.

Still sometimes I hear vulgar comments from our previous office colleagues, even she left her job before marriage, she changed her cell number also when I asked her to do so. She closed her facebook account too. She did everything what I wanted her to do. Now when I hear anything about her past or any vulgar comments about her, I can't bear it and even I can't expose it that she is my wife now. It recalls me her past and her relationship with her ex-fiance and it really disturbs me mentally. I am very confused now, I feel like I will become mentally upset and depressed very soon or I will go out of mind. I am unable to make decision now. Sometimes I decide to leave my second wife but in the next minute when I imagine my life without her, my heart really start crying and I can't dare to take this step. I really love her from the bottom of my heart.

Please guide me the best solution in the light of Islam and your best knowledge. I need your sincere suggestions please.


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4 Responses »

  1. this is just a lame excuse during these 8 years she kept abusing you and you did nt divorce her but you got another girl, started an affair and made an excuse that she was misbehaving with you and after 8 years you realized that you are jaded why you didn't leave your wife at first place and then could have searched for a girl for marriage you were cheating on your wife are you aware of this?. you were dishonest and you were cheating on your wife and your children as well.

    now you are feeling guilty

    the girl reputation is quite clear , she ruined somebody's matrimonial life. knowing that the person is married she started an affair.

    i am sorry you are not innocent in this case. now its time for you to tell everything to your parents

  2. I can understand your situation. But, I don;t know why you still want to keep your first wife. The same wife{first} wants to you to divorce your second one when it started due to her behavior.

    In Islam you can marry 2,3 or 4 but if you cant do justice marry ONLY ONE. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do. That is to go your separate ways.. If your not compatible them it is,what it is.

    Everyone has a past, whatever happened in the past should stay in the past. One thing you should know about men, when they cant get the woman they want they do the next best thing. That is to slander plus the whisper of shaytaan will add fuel to the fire. Look,you said she had male friends, I wont be surprised if some of those were trying to get close but got rejected. Jealousy is a disgusting thing. She left all that, yet you are not happy?

    No matter what happened in her past,shes treating you well at present right? If so,whats the problem?you worrying over nothing. Rather you should worry about yourself for lying.How could you do such a thing? Deceiving is an act of shaytaan. Plus your family doesn't know?

    What if that happens to your children? What goes around, comes around. You still have time to make it right. Also, I dont know how a man can let another man speak ill about his woman. Im not saying, you have to get violent but tell them.

    Keep the one who you love, who you find comfort in.. And let go the woman who doesnt make you happy. If you decide to keep both,then both need to be treated equally.

  3. You started an affair because you are too coward to deal with the issues in your marriage, you proposed to your second wife's family based on nothing but lies because you were not man enough for the truth, and you had a secret second nikkah because you wanted an easy solution to the problems you created by yourself.

    You are not the victim here. The Islamic advice I can give you is to man up. Announce your second marriage to the world, and tell your second wife's parents that you had lied when you had sent a proposal. Be ready to face the storm that comes, if you fear Allah.

    Islam has given a right for multiple marriages, but not for secret hidden affairs, secret nikkahs, and to conceal lies.

    Your second wife is also guilty. How can she have an affair with a married man knowing that she will break his home? Sorry, I have no sympathy for you or your second wife. How would you like it if women like your wife had love affairs with your father? Would your own mother be okay if your dad had a secret nikkah done, based on lies?

    My answer is harsh, but you need a reality check.

  4. Sugar is very right you are not innocent you could have trued other means too like family counselling .. Ets but u hid things from your wife and you got married 2 the 2nd one.. Imagine even if your wife abused you she is your wife you could have made her understand nd u could hv councelled her but you went in search of some one else.. Imagine you in her place if she could have had a secret affair and hd done a secret marriage what would have been yohr plight your would have been broken into pieces .. Its better you let your parents know about your second wife and live together may the almight forgive and bless you.. Ameen

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