Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m confused if she will be a good trust worthy wife.

Man praying

Salaam ele kum brother and sisters,

I'm in love with this girl since 2009, we met  and i really liked her, she's from philippines and she works in a hospital in middle east.  I'm from South Asia lives in Canada. We used to meet every few days for six moths then I had to moved to another city and she also went back to middle east but we kept in touch through Internet and then started developing feeling for each other. Now, we're both in love. I love her so much, I also went to her country and met her family because I want to marry her.

Once I told her that I want to marry her she asked me does she have to convert I said yes this's the only way I can marry her, and she also converted to Islam. She came from a broken family, she told me  her mother does not love her and her father left her mother when she was only few years old.  One thing I don't like about her , she doesn't share her past life with me unless I ask her and I want to know everything about her and also tell her everything about myself. Now I found out about her past life that she dated close to 6 to 10 men. When I heard that I felt so hurt and pain in my heart about her character,also she had so many pics of her from high school to college on facebook some of them were in shorts and in bikini pics and alot of them of her co-workers so I requested her to take them out of facebook because I don't like anybody  to see them. She took them out from facebook but after a month later she put those pics back and also new pics from high school years and new pics from different parties with male friends she attended while she went to see her family in her country.  

Now, I'm confused if she will be a good trust worthy wife.

Please help..


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14 Responses »

  1. Inloveman: The problem I see here is that she put her pics back up again, even though you don't like it and she agreed already to take them down. You are focussed on her past. I think you should be more worried that she is a bit sneaky. Have you asked her about dressing modestly? I wonder if she would do that.

    I would be cautious about this relationship.

    • Assalamu alaykum Brother,

      The Qur'an speaks about many other things as well. And one of the most important of it is to reason people in a way that is good.

      Brother if you call people by names, it is something with which Allah is displeased. Brother, if you call some woman/ man who respond by such harsh words, it will not only arouse feelings of hatred in them towards you, but will also make them lose your value in their eyes.

      The verses of the Qur'an criticized the beliefs of Christians, Jews, Polytheists and disbelievers, yet even the opponents of the Prophet (Salallahu alayhi wasallam) said: " O Muhammad ! We do not deny you, we know your are truthful, but we do not put faith in the Message you have brought."

      We need to walk in his footsteps, by using foul language, you will not only loose respect but also decay your own speech which will not help you by any means to get an audience.

      For your info "sexuallyrepressedmujahideen" :

      Allah says in Surah Al Maidah:
      148. Allah loveth not the utterance of harsh speech except by one who hath been wronged. Allah is ever Nearer, Knower.

      Surah Luqman:
      18. Turn not thy cheek in scorn toward folk, nor walk with pertness the land. Lo! Allah loveth not each braggart boaster.
      19. Be modest in thy bearing and subdue thy voice. Lo! in harshest of all voices is the voice of the ass.

      Brother, Islam teaches etiquettes as well. Akhlaaq, without which all our learning is vain, Zero. No one likes company of harsh people.

      Allah even reminds this for the Prophet Muhammad (salallahu alayhi wasallam):
      ....if thou hadst been stern and fierce of heart they would have dispersed from round about thee. - Surah Al Imran.

      You should not have "bias" towards people without even knowing them. Yes, once if you know that so and so is an evil doer, you may develop dislike for such people, but never insult by harsh words, if this habit continues, later in life you will find no one is willing to listen to you. People will disperse away from you.

      We all learn in life, we all make mistakes in life and we all learn again, the cycle goes on. Allah is the lord of all mankind, not only Muslims. He is best aware of what His slaves do and He will judge between them on the Day of Qiyamah.

      Request you to avoid using foul language, give positive advice and make this website a pleasent place for visitors. Those who put up posts should bear in mind that lot of disturbed people visit this website and we should abstain from arguing and writing more disturbing things.

      May Allah guide us to the right mode of conduct in our plight and in our ease.


      * * *

  2. @ Sexuallyrepressedmujahideen & Questioner,

    Assalamu alaykum,

    Before I answer the question, I would like to mention " Sexuallyrepressedmujahideen's" answer could depress anyone. Please think 10 times before you put down your ideas in to words here.

    Someone is seeking a sincere advice. Everyone does sins in life. So what if she did with 10 men or 100 men before. Important is what she did after coming to faith?

    Brother who asked the Question. Do not worry first of all and do not be anxious. This is extremely normal phenomena for people born and brought up in cultures and countries where relationships with men without marriage are not considered sinful, nor does it put them to any shame outside or within.

    We being Muslims and that too only if Allah guides us, realize that such things are wrong and still among us are many who do not realize this. So we leave it up to Allah and to themselves what they do about it.

    Regarding your situation, if the girl converted to Islam to marry, it should have been for Allah and not for you. If she became a Muslim for Allah, then she should gain more depth about Islam and know for herself that displaying your body and talking to non mahram men as friends / boy friends is not permissible by Islamic principles.

    If she became "Muslim" by name for you, may Allah forgive her and guide her. These people from the western world, as far as I know, are of different types, just like we are. Some women though have relations with men, do not display it, some keep it open. Some display their bodies, some do not and for them it is no sin, it is normal to keep pictures in bikinis, they do not make an issue of it.

    So until and unless someone does not realize that his / her action is "zulm" or "wrong doing" , they would not repent and if they do not repent, they would keep on doing it. My advise to you is to find a local contact of a Masjid where she lives (in the city she lives) a Masjid or Islamic Center which can send some sister to her aid and help her gain some knowledge of Islam especially Qur'an, what is halaal and what is haraam.

    If after gaining knowledge she seems to change and removes Facebook and stuff out of it and you get news of her praying regularly and abstaining from wrong actions than you may forgive and continue for a marriage, as this would help a new "Muslim" find a match and a place in Islamic society and Insha Allah, Allah would give you reward for it.

    If she does not change after gaining knowledge, be clear after this to her and leave not your kindness, but be extremely kind as you were before knowing her past and tell her: If you want a fun loving life like your past, than better it is for us to part right away.

    And then you may seek a good Muslima in marriage.

    But if you find this girl you know, to be a good Muslim, do not abandon her, Allah does not love injustice.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

    Plus: Make sure you do not do further dating with women. Allah is displeased with such actions. Also, avoid phonecalls except without necessity.

    Salaamu alaykum

    * * *

    • Assalamu alaykum,

      I believe you are talking about the verse in Surah an Nuur:

      3. The adulterer shall not marry save an adulteress or an idolatress, and the adulteress none shall marry save an adulterer or an idolater. All that is forbidden unto believers.

      It means that anyone who is known to be an adulteter or an adulteress should not be chosen for a spouse by Muslims. This is as simple.

      The Questioner asked about the girl he knows. She became Muslim in recent times and after that she may not have committed adultery, so it is not right to say things which please your heart and satisfy your mind.

      What if she started to learn on her own about the deen and you call her an adulteress without knowing much about her? Do you use your logic then? Do you know what Allah says about such men?

      In the following verses Allah tells about men whose tounge does not take time to accuse women without any proof of their being adulteresses.

      Read the same Surah a couple of verses ahead, Surah 24, An Nuur:

      4. And those who accuse honorable women but bring not four witnesses, scourge them (with) eighty stripes and never (afterward) accept their testimony. They indeed are evildoers.
      5. Save those who afterward repent and make amends. (For such) lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

      So brother, think for yourself, if you just accused of adultery someone who converted to Islam without proper proof or knowledge of her Islamic life, then repent, for Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.


      * * *

  3. As salamu alaykum brother Inloveman,

    Please what I am going to tell you maybe shocking but you should open your eyes before you get in the wrong way. This is my personal opinion, please take it with a pinch of salt.

    In the last phrases you wrote you tell me everything about her, I will look at it as objectively as I can, I will put you an example, if you love someone and you tell this person if you dress red colour it damages me, and she dress white for a while but one day comes to me with red hat, red dress, red shoes and red bag, I have to stop myself and acknowledge something is not going well. She wants to damage me, subconsciously I want to believe, she wants to get rid of me. This is the fact looking to her acts.

    I have the feeling that she has the intuition you won´t let go easily her past; you should first, sit by yourself and be honest to the marrow of your bones about accepting her past, yes or not, nothing in the middle will function. And once you have decided it, talk to her straight if you have decided yes and ask her to let you know about her fears, and if she wants to go on with the proposal. If you decide not to go ahead, be as soft and kind you can, and try to explain to her your own fears, she will understand, insha´Allah.

    You are doubting, stop and think a bit before making any important movement, listen to the signs and be honest to yourself, marriage is a life time commitment.

    You can perform Istikhara to look for Allah(swt) guidance, on top of this page you will find all that you need to know to do it, insha´Allah.

    Take your time, make everything with your head cold and asking Allah(swt) for guidance.

    All my Unconditional support,

    María Editor

  4. To WAEL,,

    Brother, firstly assalaamu alaikum,

    Can you or any other editors do something to remove the hurtful and v insensitive comments of sexuallyrepressedmujahideen....
    Seriously, is comments like "You don't sound like muslim, you sound like a fornicating Atheist kafir" deemed acceptable???

    Wanted to bring it to your attention!


    • You are absolutely right and I have removed many of his comments, and put him on moderated status. This website gets so many comments that sometimes I miss a few, especially if they come in when I'm sleeping.

      Wael Editor

  5. @ Faith

    Although I agree that his way of expressing himself is not proper , but the point that he is trying to make overall is true and justified

  6. @ A muslim man

    I dont think so. His way of saying it is totally wrong and as well as that, I think he is wrong in what he is saying. He is twisting things..Yes Allah labels people but he has not told us to do dawah like that. Allah also clearly instructs us in the Quran to "Invite to the way of your lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching and argue with them in ways tha that are better."

    It is not correct that we brand labels on people and address them like that in order for them to be put off by something. Some things are for Allah swt to do as he knows our inner self and who deserves what label..and no human being can do it claiming that Allah has done it so I can too.
    Even the prophet of Allah , who Allah sometimes gifted with knowledge of certain things and people, did not label people, having known the person. He had a list of the hypocrites sent down from the heavens to him yet when he saw them walking and talking in front of him, he didnt start quoting numerous verses of the Quran which talk of what the "hypocrites" will receive in the end.

    Rasoolallah s.a.w refrained totally from labellings people, especially negative ones and there is no better example to follow than him. I think this brother has forgotten a very important point- that being that we are to imitate RASOOLALLAH with regards to speech and conduct, not that of Allah swt's! As he was the human and Allah swt is our Lord. I hope you see where I am coming from and not take my words out of context though into thinking I am undermining the prophet s.a.w.


    • I am not talking about hypocrite thing . I wanted to stress upon the point made by sexuallyrepressedmujahideen about chastity and behavior issues .

      He was wrong to label somebody as hypocrite but whatever he said other then that , I absolutely agree . He was bothered when nobody paid importance to the chastity matter he stressed upon . This issue is something , upon which many men would agree ,including me . I can also quote my hadiths and surahs but then again this debate will lead to nowhere . Its better to end this debate here .

  7. @ A Muslim man,

    Assalamu alaykum

    Brother you may like to read my comment on the same page addressed to "sexuallyrepressedmujahideen" about the Qur'an and calling people towards Islam in a good way.

    We need to be calm, excitement, hate towards others, calling by names, etc don't work when we want to find solutions, yes, they do help in creating further problems.


    * * *

  8. Asalamoalaikum,
    I think the bigger picture here is being missed out on. If this Muslimah has converted to Islam with pure intentions, then her slate is wiped clean, inshAllah. All her previous sins (virgin or non-virgin) are of no significance anymore. What triggers me though is the fact that she was told by this brother to delete those photos of facebook and rightfully so as she is now a Muslimah and must practice modesty and hayah. However, she decided to re-post them along with a few more other pictures from her high school days. She doesn’t seem to be displaying the qualities that a Muslimah should display. I am by no means judging this woman, just assessing the situation and her actions based on what this brother said. As a result, I highly suggest brother inloveman that you be aware and look into things before making a final decision.
    If a person has converted to Islam then they must do so for the right reasons (not because they love you, but because they believe the religion is true) and their actions will show that. Otherwise, anyone can convert to any religion claiming to be a follower of it, but we know that’s not how it works. A true follower is one who actually follows the principles of the religion they convert to. I suggest that you weigh things very carefully and objectively before making a final decision. Ask yourself what type of Muslimah were you always in search for? Do not let “love” blur your vision and distort reality for the way it actually is. I recommend you perform salat-ul-istikhara as this is a life long commitment you are planning to make.
    May Allah swt give you the wisdom to make the correct decision, ameen.

    -Helping Sister

  9. ASA brother!
    First of all, i dont want to sound rude or anything but... you met her this way, didnt you? You knew she was not a musllim, so you cant expect for her past life to be as conservative as most of our muslim sisters! And as for her not wanting to share her past with you, sometimes it is difficult to talk about the past, people hurt us, or maybe she has done things she is not proud of and wants to keep it in the past. I advice to you that you sit with her and tell her how you feel about EVERYTHING! Set limits of what you would want her to do and avoid, ask her to do the same thing. You two must be on the same page before getting married! And as for the pictures, tell her WHY you want her to put them down, dont just tell her to . This is important, she will then understand why you are asking this! Hope this helps and I truely wish you the best of luck!!

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