Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Confusing Ishtikarah; What should I do regarding my dreams?


Assalamualaykum dear brothers and sisters,

My name is Alia. My parents had seen a boy for me to marry and since we both work together, I decided to give him a try. We both started talking at our place of work and we started to get to know each other. At first, everything sounded ok, but after some time, we started to have some differences. I tried to solve them, but I failed to do so. Following that, I have been doing the ishtikarah namaz to know whether the boy was the one who I was destined to marry.

I had asked him to perform it as well so that we are able to figure out about the outcomes, but he refused to do it, saying that ishtikara namaz is for people who are confused, and not for those who already know what they want. I tried to reason him for a whole week, telling him that there was nothing wrong in seeking Allah's guidance, that it was important for both of us, and that what our heart feel, may not necessarily be what Allah has planned for us but he still refused to do it.

I perfectly agree that I should have performed the ishtikarah namaz well before getting to know the boy, I should have done it the day that my parents told me that they were considering the boy for me and that it was my mistake to do it as a last resort, when things were not working, after getting to know the boy. But the fact is here now, I did it as a last resort and I cannot revert it. The outcomes I got from my dreams were quite confusing. During the 7 days, the colors I saw in my dreams were as follows:

1st dream-black and red
2nd dream-black and red
3rd dream-red and green

I read that ishtikarah was not necessarily about dreams, so I did not really bother about it. Instead, I focused on how things went on during and after the week that followed the namaz and things did not go well the following week. He said very hurtful things to me. He had asked me about the results of the ishtikara to know whether we should go ahead or stop everything where it was and I refused to tell him about the outcomes of the dreams.

I told him that irrespective of the colors I saw in the dreams, I was still there because I will counting on the events that were going to happen in the following week. I told him that he should have done the ishtikarah namaz if he wanted an answer. I asked him why he relied on my dreams when he could have done it himself because after all, it was about both of us. He started saying that my namaz was useless, and that I was selfish because I did not want to tell him about the results. He said many hurtful things after which I decided to end things.

Since all that happened, I thought that the way things went on that week, was in fact the answer to the ishtikara, that Allah created this situation against his favour, perhaps made him say those nasty things so that I am able to take the proper decision. To be true, I was sad, because I wanted things to work out with him but it's not what I want that matters, it's what Allah has planned for us both that counts. My heart was at peace thinking that this was what Allah had planned for me, because someone who dared say that my namaz was useless without even bothering to do the namaz himself wasn't someone who deserves to be in my life.

But after about 2 weeks, he came back, and apologized for his behavior and for every nasty thing he said to me and asked for a second chance. I made him realize that he had hurt me a lot and asked him for some time to think about it. I did not want to give him another chance at first, but since he said sorry and admitted his mistakes, I decided to give him another chance after 2 weeks of thought. I told him it was hard to forgive him because there were some words which he should have never said, and which were very hurtful.

He started complaining about my behavior towards him, he asked me why I wasn't like before (when we first started to get to know each other), and why my attitude changed (I became more on my guard and reserved on certain topics). I told him that it was because I needed some time to forget the hurtful things he told me and that was true. It's very hard because I never imagined he would had said so many awful things to me.

I've been doing the ishtikarah namaz again last week, but this time I did not tell him anything. For some days, I thought I will ask him to do it at least this time, but then I said to myself that if he really wanted to do it, he would have done it long ago and it was no use in asking him again and again. Anyway, surprisingly, my dreams were even more confusing:

1st dream- green and red colour
2nd dream- white and green colour

Now, I know I should not rely on dreams, because none of them were clear so lets put this aside. If I take a look at the events that had been happening this current week, there's nothing significant that indicates if I should go forward or stop.

Concerning what my heart feels about him, I feel its difficult to forget the nasty things he told me, but on the other hand, I feel that if ever his attitude changes in the future, then perhaps I will be able to forgive and forget those nasty things, because after all, if Allah is able to forgive our sins, why should we, mere humans not able to do so? If ever there is any chance of him changing to good in the future, then I would not want to miss it. So in the end, I am still confused.

Can anyone help me please? Is it ok to keep on doing the namaz again and again without getting any clear answer (be it in dreams or through events)? What more can I do? I will accept what Allah has planned for me, but its really awful not knowing what to do, it's a state which I do not wish for anyone to be in. Thank you in advance for those taking the time to read this, I know I wrote a lot in here and its quite boring to go through, but I wanted to explain the context in which all this is taking place, little details can be important at times.

May Allah bless you all, Ameen
Jazakallah 🙂


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8 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister
    Im very sleepy as I am typing this answer, so apologise in advance for any bad grammar :-l

    I am actually going through a very similar situation to yourself, the only difference is that I was getting on very well with this boy that I was considering for marriage, but after doing istikhara certain things came to light, such as lifestyle differences which I dont find compatible, so I ended things.

    I did this as I have been told that it is more to do with how you feel after istikara and not necessarily a dream. If you feel positive go for it, if you feel neutral still go for it and obviously if you feel negative then leave it. This is having active faith.

    If you do go for it something may happen fairly quickly to prevent it happening this is to be taken as a sign and a result of your istikhara too. That is the beauty of Istikhara and Allah's mercy and blessings by seeking his guidance.

    From your story it would seem that incompatibilities arose after carrying out your istikara, so I would perhaps take that as a sign. Clear your thoughts and listen to your heart and if you still feel uncomfortable with the idea I would give it a miss given that you have carried out istikhara. The fact that your not getting on is worrying especially if you cant resolve these issues. Dont expect marriage to be a magic pill that will fix everything, in fact they will only exacebrate your issues.

    Again, its not an exact science and I am not claiming to be an expert in the subject.

  2. Salaam sister

    Good intentions gave you some good advice. Always remember sometime what we want is not what God wants for us. So as confused as you are now, always trust on Allah - He knows best.

    In my personal option I would say that Allah has made things clear in the fact that you can't forgive him for the hurtful things he said. From past experiences I know that this hurt can be carried for years. So do you really want to marry someone that disregard your feelings? Someone who rather depend on his wisdom instead of Allah's infinite wisdom?

    How will you be able to build a good Muslim family with a man that has no respect for a sunnat dua? What else will he lack in terms op being a pious husband, that you so rightly deserve? First love Allah and thenfor the sake of Allah. May Allah guide you.

  3. Salamualaikum sister Aliah,

    You have received the results of Istikhaarah Alhamdulillah.
    First of all, Istikhaarah is done, not just when you are confused but to make things easy and to make any kind of decision in life, whatever it be.

    Secondly, Istikhaarah is not just performed at the time of marriage, but any decision in life. And dreams are not a condition. Infact, dreams should mostly be ignored because their interpretation requires special knowledge. Even the Ulama refuse to interpret the dreams.

    The Istikharah, as the meaning of dua Istikhaarah states, makes things easy if they are good for you and difficult when they are not good for you.

    For example, my colleagues from office planned an outing for a day and asked me if I was interested. I replied with affirmitive without istikhaarah. I realized this mistake and performed istikhaarah that evening. How my Lord Helped me in this was that I fell ill that night and thus I had to call my manager up and infor him that I wasn't joining them for the outing. Alhamdulillah I am Pleased with Allah for whatever He has Destined for me. I have faced many such situations.

    Your case is the same. Things seem difficult. Keep on performing Istikhaarah. When you are not clear, you should perform Istikhaarah multiple times until you find the answer, until you make your decision, and after that, trust in Allah that it is the right decision.

    So, instead of staying perplexed, seek the Guidance of The Creator through Istikhaarah and Trust in His Decision.

    May Allah Help you in this.
    Muhammmad Waseem

    • Walaikum salaam brother,

      Dreams fall into three major categories: dreams of glad tidings, dreams influenced by the Shaytan and dreams that make no sense. These can then be separated into several more sub-categories.

      The only reason why most ulama will not interpret dreams is because they do not have the training for it. It's not taught as a "course" per se, but through tutelage which takes many years of religious instruction, if they show an aptitude in the field. From what I understand, there are some very early Islamic books, one by Jafar as-Saddiq (as) no less, on the subject. I do not know if it has been translated, yet.

      We spend a third of our time asleep, and surely in Ramadhan it is equated to worship of Allah (swt). There is an actual verse in the Qur'an (6:60) about the significance of sleep, as well. Not to mention the fact the story of Prophet Yusuf (as), the greatest story in the Qur'an. Highly respected Islamic scholars have written of these instances, as well.

      Of course, we should be wary of innovation, however, we cannot reject dreams outright.

      However, in the case of the sister, she received her answer through the man's rude and verbally abusive actions. If he acts like this now in the courting phase, one can only imagine his foul temperament in the future.

  4. salaam sister,

    Well ofcourse I totally agree with what the above brothers and siters have told you so I don't want to repeat the same things.Even I feel that you being unable to forget the nasty things is in away a sign from Allah.Still ofcourse keep praying for the betterment.

    I may be wrong but I believe that the best time to judge a person is at the time he/she is angry.If somebody is actually our well-wisher and loves us ,they will never say extreme things even in anger that become impossible for us to forget.Ofcourse it is very nice to be forgiving but you have to see that the way he can be so rude in anger now he might do it again, and again you'll get hurt.Till when will this go on? All such differences with time lead to more negativities so I would say that you should be happy that Allah has shown you signs after you did istikharah.

    take care..Allahafiz

  5. Assalamu Alaykum, My Sister

    I am newly reverted (alhumdulilla), so I hope I am correct in this. Everyone feel free to correct any mistakes I make. I need to learn, inshallah, and grow.

    Allah (swt) gave you his answer to your Ishtikarah through this man's words to you. Just because you have compassion for him, and want to give him another chance does not mean you get a "do over" Ishtikarah on this subject. What I mean is that just because you don't like the answer does not mean you get to ask again. Allah (swt) showed you his will. He is testing you. Allah (swt) is most merciful and often forgiving, but that does not mean he will stop testing you if you don't follow his will and instead make a mistake here. If you fail this test your future test may be more difficult. For example, if you marry this man and have a child, then he allows Shaytan to come between he and Allah (swt), both you AND YOUR CHILD will suffer. I think we can agree this has the potential to be a much more difficult test.

    Inshallah, you will find a pious Muslim man who will treat you as Allah (swt) intended a man treat a woman. He will, inshallah, be your Imam, your strength, and help you at every turn with the challenges you face, and you, inshallah, will be his strength.

    May Allah (swt) grant you His best rewards.

  6. assalamu alaikum..
    Even im going through the same sitaution where in the guy i want to get married got a negative isthekara but we both love each other and we are quite comfortable with it..
    Even i too carried out istekhara but it came as positive for me but i dont knwo what to consider..
    Pls help us because we had many complications always but still we have brought together bu situations and i believe that allah has brought is together always but now dont know why istekhara came as negative.. Pls help me what can be done..

  7. then I would not want to miss it.

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