Considering a divorced man with a kid
Assalamualaikum wrwb!
I need help regarding marriage. I’m a born Muslim & student from Pakistan, in my last year of post-graduate studies. I didn’t use to be a practically observant Muslim and living a life with no purpose at all. My concerns were not different than the concerns shaped by our societies. But Alhamdulillah, I still used to wear modest clothes, had boundaries, & had never been in haram relationship. You can be born into a Muslim family & still *find* Allah, right? That’s what happened in my case.
I began to reflect when I entered university. I used to be very empty & feel guilty for not practicing. My mind was always flooded with thoughts, career, studies, competing with friends who were chasing world, day & night. I started to reflect & figure out the World, what true happiness is, what true success is? Slowly, I began to question my existence. Questions such as Why Allah created me? What He wants from me? Why we were born here & put here to be tested? Am I even on the right path? What’s going to happen to me when I’ll die? Can I erase my sins? How can I start a new life & change the life I’ve always lived? And gradually, I decided I can’t live the life the same way & gave up so many things.
And since then I’m improving, Alhamdulillah. And I’m trying very hard to change my casual attitude & being sincere in my actions, improve quality of my Salah, improving in my ibadah, trying to do jihad bin nafs as much as I can. Ever since I've started practicing, I'm listening to scholars on YouTube & reading their works, I choose a topic & listen to opinions of different scholars and try to memorize knowledge I've gained from them as much as possible & put it into practice as much as I can. Now I’ve realized that I find myself way too inclined towards Islam. I was waiting for my calling ever since I became young & here in this path, I’ve found my calling.
The situation is I do not belong to a practicing family & that is why I’m finding it hard to find a practicing spouse. Ever since my life has changed I wish to marry someone who is (or seriously struggling to be) practicing & focused towards their Akhira. I’m not seeking perfection but at least someone who is struggling hard day & night to attain high level of imaan, someone who fears Allah much, someone who can provide me a simple & decent lifestyle. And someone who would like to study Arabic & Islam with me.I pray that Allah swt bless me someone who is an aabid, when I look at him I feel overwhelmed by his sincerity in pleasing Allah SWT, his sincerity in helping his ummah, his concerns for his Family & the unfortunate around him but unfortunately, I have no potential spouse within family & around. Alhmdulilah, my family is supportive but sometimes its hard for me to get my point across them regarding Hijab & other issues. That’s why I wish to find someone of the Islamic mindset. My mother had told me if I wish to find such a man then I’ll have to do it on my own. Alhumdulilah, people say I’m attractive & I’ll find a good hubby soon I’A but I wish to find someone inclined towards deen & its not happening.
Recently a friend of mine had suggested me a practicing man. I’ve just turned 23 & he is 31, divorced and has a 2 year old kid. She told me he is rich, has a very good job & he is quite practicing but I do not seek money or richness. I do not mind being there for the kid tbh & nor do I have problem with the age gap. For me, the most important thing to look in a person is their character & religion. I thought I’ll break this desi stereotype, proceed anyway & marry for the sake of Allah. The reason of his divorce, as I am told, is that he never got along with his wife etc. I told her to send me his pictures but then, I kind of got a negative feeling after seeing him. Even tho I considered him at first place but after seeing him is something indescribable. And I feel kind of guilty, because I never gave importance to looks. In my opinion, beauty shdn't be considered & value other stuff he has to offer. But he kind of didn’t click me perhaps because he looks way too older. Please note that I’m not shallow its just something I am really confused. I'm praying istikhara & I am not feeling good about it.
I have kind of started to feel like Allah SWT will be angry at me as finally I have found someone religious & now I’m not happy abt it. My mother wants me to go ahead & talk to him (perhaps because as a mother, she wants her daughter to have best of this world), but I feel like if I don’t want to proceed then why shd I even talk to him & give him some sort of hope? And break his heart later. I don't want to make someone feel less of them either. My mother is of the opinion that what If I find the kind of guy I want and marry him & he turns out to be something different etc?
My friend is telling me if I take all this negative feel thing into account, I may not be able to achieve religious benefits. And I feel guilty as our prophet SAW married woman 15 year older than him. I kind of feel like I am sinning etc.
Please do not criticize If I feel this way. I know marriage is not like a fairy tale; I’m aware it has its ups and downs but it’ll be much easier when my spouse will be my partner. And I kind of do not see him as a partner.
Strongly believing the fact we’re partners, I feel like I should consider more of compatibility thing cuz Alhmdulilah I'm a student of I.T & I will be able to finance myself in shaa Allah. And that is why I'm not really into the financial status he is offering. Please help me out here.
What would you do in such a situation if you were me?
Please help jazak’Allah.
thebayahgirl
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I wouldn't marry this guy. It isn't about the money, or his age, or his two year old, or that he's divorced. You have a gut feeling that this isn't good. Stop over analyzing your values and whether you should go with him. You have to run this marriage after getting married to him and you're already doubting yourself. That's not a good way to enter a marriage.
If you think the marriage is awesome even if it sucks you'll be looking at all the good times. If you go into a marriage thinking it's not going to be great, you're going to be looking at what could go wrong. You're going to say, aha, this is why I got that negative feeling over every little thing. And if you're going to do that, do both him and yourself a favor and let him find someone else and go make someone else happy yourself. Good luck, inshallah you'll get a good guy.
Peace be upon you,
I agree 100% with M, listen to your intuition.
Do not marry him. You don't feel good about him already so why would you even consider marrying him for? Don't need to feel guilty or think you are sinning! !!! You are definitely not sinning. You have a right to choose someone who you feel is the right person, if you are not in peace with your choice no matter how good the proposal is, don't go for it!!! Also when looking for a spouse, look at his character, not just religion. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who look religious from outside,they even do all their daily prayers but have very bad character and very bad habits. If one is not religious, he can become religious with time but most people can't change their bad character. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he shouldn't be practicing, but he should have a good character and values. You need to ask a lot of questions. Write down what's important to you to see if you both are on the same page etc. Also looks are important, don't feel guilty if you don't like someone's look, he doesn't have to be a top model but you should find him attractive, otherwise it wouldn't work. It's your right, a man wouldn't marry a women if he wasn't pleased with her looks, so why shouldn't a women do the same? ☺ before making any decisions pray istikhara. Also if you find someone with bad habits,for example smoking or worse,if they promise they will stop after marriage, please do yourself a favor and leave, in most cases it never happens. Insh'Allah you will find a good husband.
As Salam O alaikum Sister
If i were you, i wouldnt have had married this man.
- He is a divorcee, for you it is first marriage. Masha ALLAH you are educated and clean hearted person from the way you have wrote. This man isnt worth even consideration or considering as a Proposal.
- Whats the guarentee he was divorced because he wasnt on good terms with his wife ? There might be some other reasons too. Only ALLAH knows the actual story.
- If he is known by his Financial status, am sure some odd stories also must be related. What if you come to know about them post your marriage ( If in case you consider to marry him ).
Rest. As brother/sister "M" has said. Follow you mind and carry your Heart also in those thoughts. It will be all crystal clear for you.
I wish you all the very best.
May ALLAH (SWT) Bless you.
I agree with all the answers. I would just reiterate what Muslimgirl said. Look for someone compatible, same page as you with good values and character. Ask his views about religion and if you could both grow in faith together, then why not. You could be peers in the study of Islam, each encouraging the other instead of being leader and follower. This way you will be a source of hidayah Inshallah.
Yes looks matter for good sex but if a great looking guy is financially weak he will become zero in no time .Marriage is complex game where its very difficult to get all three that is looks ,money and good character ..Most of people assume that since they are good looks doesn't matter but only when they don't enjoy sex bcos of bad looks they will realize they were fool ...so take a carefull n wise decision
Why would a 23 year old single woman even consider marrying a 31 year old divorced man who is very religious but could not get along with his wife? Many people act religious but are not any better then other so called less religious people. Have you checked his profiles on the Internet?
Salaam alaikum. I am not sure how old the rest of the people are who answered this question, but I am thinking most of you are young by the way you are answering. Why do you not tell her to find out more about him from her wali (which she needs to have being so young, never married, etc.) and perhaps have the wali MEET the man and maybe even herself meet the man and THEN decide how she feels about him. You cannot make up your mind about a person based on a picture! At least you should not especially since she said "I’m not seeking perfection but at least someone who is struggling hard day & night to attain high level of imaan, someone who fears Allah much, someone who can provide me a simple & decent lifestyle."
I feel that most young people today ARE seeking perfection and I hate to tell you this from someone who has been married for more than 33 years- NO ONE IS PERFECT! You will never find anyone who is perfect and fits you in every way! Do not go based on looks! My husband was not the most handsome man (or so I thought when I first met him and married him), but he has a PURE soul, kindness, gentleness, etc and is a wonderful human being. As you grow older you tend to look beyond looks and go for what the person is like inside which is very important. I know someone who married for looks and guess what? He was not a nice person and not only that, but he had many affairs as well all because of his looks. Do you want a man that will love you because you are better looking than him or do you want to marry a man who is handsome and might stray with someone else? (THis is not to say that all handsome men will do this, but just something to think about.) Also, I knew several girls who married someone cause they were rich and same thing happened- the men went after other women (not that it will happen all the time but you still run that risk.) Also, good sex does NOT depend only on looks and this is a very shallow comment in my opinion.
No, you need to find out more about him before you decide cause you cannot have a truly "gut feeling"until you meet the person in my opinion.