Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Considering ending my marriage…

pain heart ache

assalam alaikum.....i would really like some sound advice from the readers..

I have been married for the past 2 years....mine was a typical arranged marriage and my husband is the cousin of my college mate( at whose engagement his family liked me). When they initially choose me for their son they were very happy with me and my family and used to call up daily to talk to my parents and convince them for the match..

My family was a bit apprehensive for firstly I had just completed my studies and my parents hadn't yet decided to get me married because my brothers wedding was scheduled in that same year and secondly my husband already had a broken engagement behind him (they had broken off just a few days earlier because his ex-fiancee had cheated on him).

My in-laws then wanted to get us married in 2 weeks just so their son would forgot everything......anyways my parents and brother agreed but only for my engagement and wedding after a few months......alhumdullilah everything was fine in-laws used to call up n talk to me n my parents....n even though my father had forbidden me i chatted with my fiance because i felt i needed to know him.......probably this is why i am being punished...

Anyways we never had any haram or detailed conversation because the duration till the wedding was for just 4 months and during this time we had two weddings in our family (one being my brothers)...

Soon the wedding time arrievd and that is when the problems brothers in-law are quite rich and my sister-in-law being their first child they conducted the marriage in a lavish manner which was well reciprocated by my brother as he had been saving up for his wedding since quite a time.....

My in-laws expected the same kind of treatment from us..even though they very well knew that it was my father who was sponsoring my wedding and we are an average middle class family. They even created issues regarding the furniture to be given as I had requested my parents not to give me any furniture there as i would be staying with my husband in the gulf n so would buy my furniture there. Anyway, my parents brought the furniture and sent everything over to my new house....

The day of the wedding during my nikah ceremony my mother-in-law offended my mother by giving more preference to her daughters in mom went away to serve the guests....after that things went on smoothly....

I came home and the next day my sister and brother came to visit me (also to give me my jewellery which i then showed to my inlaws). For 3-4 days everything went on smoothly till my parents wanted to invite us for mother-in-law got really angry that the whole family was not invited (including her 7 brothers and their families)..and insulted me in front of the whole house... insulting everything my parents gave me... I didn't know what to do in a new place, although that one day my husband supported me n took me home....

My in laws were sooo angry with this decision of his that they started bad mouthing my family and segregated me from them....they never let us attend any function and whenever I insisted she would feign illness....

This went on and on till my parents intervened and everybody had a talk which eventually ended in a outburst from my husband but things somewhat improved then and my husband came back to gulf....

I had to stay back for nearly 4-5 months during which time my husband convinced me to stay at my in laws place as this would be the best time for me to bond with his family. This went on and it took 6  months for my visa processing and during this time my in laws made life miserable for me, checking my room n clothes....listening to my conversations n my younger sis in law who was unmarried then used to spy on me.... Even the day before i was to travel my mother-in-law created a issue regarding my jewellery which i had left at my mom's place. My husband also scolded me for it but i forgot everything and wanted to start a new life...

Things were fine when i came here with occasional fights between us regarding monetary issues because till date my husband doesn't give me a single penny and used to save everything for his sisters marriage......His elder sis also stays with her parents as her husband works abroad (she got married at the age of 17) and due to this she is constantly being pitied by the family...she and my husband's aunt always criticised me and his aunt once even shouted at me for not calling her......when my brother intervened on my part my husband refused to talk to any of my family since then and also abuses them verbally but when i remind him about islam he stops.. He is constantly suspecting my mother and sis of spoiling my mind (because he once read a message from my sis--- she was asking me go come back home for 2 months so we could sort everything out) and he constantly reminds me of all the things my parents didn't do during the wedding and is downgrading them. He never talks to them and always stops me from saying anything about them.

I am constantly living in fear and depression and have also banged my head on the wall many times unable to control myself. I get easily irritated nowadays as i have nothing to do, i am not allowed to go or meet anybody.  We still don't have any kids as i have a medical problem and my husband expects my parents to get me treated without living with them (while i should serve his parents, cook, clean for them). My m.i.l always brainwashes her son against my family and asks him not to meet or talk to any of my family. The elder sis in law has five kids n still lives with her parents and is always lecturing me about the role of a good wife, the younger sis in law recently got married and is proudly showing off on my face.

My dilemma is whether I should leave my husband for his mental abuse. I have asked my family not to interfere in my life but they have left the decision on me. I feel that this is not a healthy relationship. Things seem fine one day and the next day they pick up soem new tirade against me.  My husband proclaims that he loves me but these problems never seem to go away...i keep on praying n praying for things to improve. Please let me know if you think I should quit this relationship because probs seemed to constantly arise and I actually do not want my future kids to grow up with such resentment.

My husband is a good person....but he doesn't pray regularly and always thinks that everybody is inferior to him. He finds faults with everybody and only listens to his parents. He is downright rude and at times has even made his father cry with his behaviour. He never appreciate me n is always comparing me with hs sisters. Please help me!!!


Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

8 Responses »

  1. wa alaikumu ssalam wrwb
    dear sister

    This is a typical problem here in east, In laws creating issues and making life miserable for woman and her husband too.
    But these problems go away after some time.
    Don't ruin your life for your sister in laws and their mother.
    They will be happy if you leave but you will be sad.
    Try to concentrate on your relationship with your husband and work on it.
    Since you don't live with them so this is not important what they feel for you.
    How people act is not in our control but our reaction is in our control.
    Your parents may support you now in seeking divorce but what will happen later.
    Your siblings will be living happily with their partners and you will find out about people who might be struggling in more difficult marriage than you, then you may regret for walking out so early.
    You also told that you have some medical problem, this may lessen your chances of finding a suitable proposal.
    Marriage is not easy for almost everyone.
    Don't let your family interfere in your relationship with your husband.
    Don't favour your family in front of your husband.
    Don't speak against your inlaws in front of your husband.
    Shaitan puts negative things in our mind and make a very horrible picture, then we are unable to look at positive things.
    Stop feeling any bad things for your inlaws.Clean your heart and leave everything on Allah.
    Focus on your husband.
    Let him support his family financially.Make him feel that he is the head of family and you are admitting this by your actions.
    Start thinking positively and look for good qualities in your husband.
    Tell him your problems and ask for the solution.Let him find the solution.
    Since you don't have kids so you can study further or start doing job.
    Also find some suitable hobby for yourself.
    This will keep your mind busy and keep you away from shaitan's whispers.
    May Allah ta'ala help you and give you wisdom and patience aameen.

    • Thenk you for your advice!! !!!
      I completely agree with whatever u have said will take lots of patience and control from my side if i want this to work.
      As far as the points that u have mentioned above......i have never bad mouthed his parents or sibling on his face( as i know how terribly it hurts) and my husband is the one who completely supports his family financicially...he has till date never given me any money for my personal expenses. He does buy me my stuff but only if he has money left after sending it over to his family
      Doesn't let me work bcoz he knows i can earn more den him
      Has a habit of hurting me emotionally when i am happy(e.x last month my sis had a baby., i knew he would never congratulate my family on this. But i was just happy for my sis and cooked some special sweets dat day n later in the evening he had a huge argument with me over a really silly issue
      I also realize that my parents and siblings won't support me forever but atleast i can stay in peace and find a job.
      N the medical problem can be easily cured alhumdullilah only if v both visit the doctor
      Still weighing the pro's n con's or rather u could say some form of change. Hoping for the best in sha allah

    • @confus3d

      Superb, cheers!

      This is a gem of an advice, should be sticked on this website, most of the time it is seen that female posters with marriage problems are straightaway asked to divorce by some "sisters".

  2. Sister I have advised this to many people who are suffering from Relationships problem. because I had same issues and it helped me a lot to overcome. It's not a rocket science but it needs will power , pro activity & commitment if you want long term good results.

    Read '' 7 Habits of Highly Effective People'' by Stephan Covey. That is my advice. Do not just read it understand it and act on it.

    Apart from this say your prayers and ask Allah for Guidance & peace

    A Brother

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Personally I don't believe that a person should stay in an abusive marriage because of fear of never remarrying. Staying with your husband should be a decision made based on the quality of the marriage, not fear of something else.

    So the question becomes what is worse? Staying in the situation you are in OR getting out of this marriage and facing the consequences of that in the society in which you live. You have decide what is worse for you and what you can and can't handle--no one else can do that for you.

    I do want to say that sometimes these problems with in-laws end, and in other times, they never end. When the problems do end, it usually means that someone has passed away--that is not something to look forward to.

    I suggest that you look deeply into what you really want in your life and strive for it. If this marriage is something that you believe can be saved, you may need the help of counselling and setting up boundaries, but staying quiet and suffering "patiently" may be very detrimental to your health. If, after your best efforts, you do not think this marriage can be saved, realize what that means and accept that you can't mould people into whatever you want.

    I pray that you find the best answer, and that you find peace, inn shaa Allah. May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  4. I agree here with what Sabba has said It is never good to stay in an abusive marriage unless the husband has a deep desire to change ,but this usually does not happen. Too many women think it is their destiny to put up with abuse but I do not think Allah intended women to suffer like this. It is also wrong to take oppression in Islam so it is your duty to protect yourself. Women usually believe they have to tolerate physical as well as emotional abuse. But this should not be tolerated as one can not live the life Allah intended for them while being abused and oppressed by a husband.

  5. wa alaikumu ssalam wrwb

    Dear sister,

    Please understand that what he and his family are doing is abusive and this will never change it gets much worse! If he really loves you he would get you a house for the both of you and wouldn't allow his family to treat you like that. Most importantly he would respect your family and speak well of them especially that they have not done anything to him and let you leave the country to stay with him. Your family has your best interest and love you since they have tried to talk and fix things (sol7 is integral part of Islam) which was refused by your husband. You should thank God that you don't have children now inshallah when you go back to your parents you will get cured and get married to a better man one who is responsible and cares for your health. Your husband is responsible for you and your health so he should be the one taking you to the Dr. and help you get cured. Just because they have more money doesn't make them the better family. People should be judged by their actions and intentions and their actions are evil. Your husband is a typical abuser :
    1- he is not close to God
    2- he does not care about your feelings
    3- he lets his family mistreat you
    4- he thinks people are inferior to him
    5- pushing your loved ones away (mother, sister brother)
    6- he speaks badly of your family so you feel you can only depend on him so he can control you
    7- wants you to stay with his family to serve them so also he is controlling you
    8- he finds faults with others and compares you to his sisters
    Please search abusing husbands online and see if these things are present in him.

    I am fearful for your mental health you are losing your self esteem and even hurting yourself (banging your head) because your are feeling hopeless but you should be strong and call your parents and leave. You deserve a good Muslim husband who fears God more than his family and loves you. His family also do not fear God and they are materialistic people who should not be part of your life. You need to honestly leave because it starts as mental abuse and becomes physical abuse quicker than you think. The more you will do for him the more he will feel power over you and hurt you.

Leave a Response