Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Considering suicide… Is it the only way out of this mess?


I'm totally lost and messed up. I don't know what to do. This site is my only hope because I can't talk to anyone else. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I'm a 23 year old healthy Muslim female and belongs from a modern, rich and reputable family. I'm youngest of five. My parents have provided me & my siblings with every luxury possible but they really lack in emotional attachments. In my house, a child is only loved and appreciated because of his/her high achievements in education. Studies & marks are EVERYTHING. It is the only topic my father would talk to us about, otherwise he is really busy in his business, don't have enough time to spend with his family. My mother is a housewife but she is not into showing love to her children or talking to them, family reputation means a lot to her. I can't remember if she ever kissed or hug any of her child or told them she love them.

I don't know why since childhood I was really sensitive and wanted to be felt loved. I was very young when I got to know that my mother wanted to give up me for adoption to my childless aunt because I was a girl and she has two daughters already. This thing got stuck in my mind as I grew up and lack of love and attention made it permanent. I grew up knowing how unwanted & un important I'm. My other siblings were brilliant in studies while I was just average and it got worse as I grew careless because of no attention from my parents. I used to get jealous of attention and love my elder siblings got from my parents. My siblings used to tease me and irritate me, they loved to remind me how our mother was giving me up for adoption, they weren't help either. I was taught Quran in young age. My parents never forced me to pray salah. My sisters were into practicing Islam but nobody ever gave me proper guidance about salah. My mother never bothered with making me memorize Surah's from quran, Kalmas etc like usually mothers do.. she just asked my sisters to do it who didn't bothered either. Lack of attention, family support and love made me feel unworthy and lowered my confidence, my friends at school were rude and not helping.

By the age of 14-15 I tried to commit suicide 5 times over stupid reasons like feeling unloved by my parents, being insulted by my siblings in front of guests, being abandoned by school friends etc but failed every single time. For me, my life was nothing. My family didn't know any of it.

As I grew up, I kept on disappointing my family by scoring low on studies & by choosing Arts instead of medical, engineering etc like my siblings. I got into Art school against my parent's will which turned out hectic & hard for me..I didn't have any guidance when applying to art school & i chose the wrong department for my skills & interest which was too late to be changed. After first year I bailed out and my parents scolded & insulted me as much as they could. They tell me all the time what a shame I'm for them. Later I wanted to get into another study program which was not offered in any good university in my town. They refused to let me move to hostel because they will be lonely at home as my other siblings got married, moved out and were settled abroad. They made me chose private online studies. At first I did well but later I started to get distracted and regretting my decision to leave art school.

Being at home all the time with tough & taunting parents triggered my depression. My siblings were away most of the times and I had very few friends who used to ditch me a lot. having my studies online I wasted my time on social networks, music etc and I started failing. I lied to my parents about my grades and they never bothered to check themselves. Now my course is going to be completed in few months as they know & expect me to be graduated but they don't know that I've been failing & lying since many semesters. They trusted me and I broke their trust. They keep on telling every nagging relative that I'm about to graduate, how they plan to send me abroad for further studies etc etc.. I can't tell them truth, they will kill me or disown me for sure.

I have totally messed up my life. My siblings are highly educated and have fabulous jobs. They're paying back to my parents what they invested in them. They expect the same from me. I know its all my fault. I regret every bit of it. Its too late to make it right. There are many things which I know now, wish i knew then.. My parents wanted me to get engaged as well by now because my sisters got married at young age & continued their studies after. They blame me that I've always been low in studies and not earning a good degree is the reason they can't find a good proposal for me as I'll not be able to find a high earning job later etc. In short, I'm a disgrace to my highly qualified family who cares only about grades, degree, job & money.

Its been months  and I'm trying to think a solution..and suicide is the only one come to my mind. Its a win win for me. My family don't care about me & i don't have any friends. I dun think it's anybody's loss. I know its haram.. but I can't find anyother solution. I'm tired of living in a perfect family who wants me to be perfect as well which I'm not. Don't suggest me to tell them, because I can't..they will make my life a living hell by abusing me & mentioning 100 times a day how I lied to them, what a disgrace I'm to their family, how nobody will marry me etc . I've been there before and all they did was to remind me how big failure all day. In past few years I researched on my own, got close to Allah, memorized salah & important surahs, recited Quran with translation.. I used to pray regular & recite Quran but my depression & suicidal thoughts has taken over my brain. It makes me think that I'm going to rot in hell fire till the end of time so what difference this salah will make. I know my family reputation will be ruined if I commit suicide, so tried to search on different methods to make it look like an accident.

I can't seek professional help either, of course my parents won't let me harm their reputation that their daughter is a psycho. Your site is my hope now.. I feel like running away from them but I have no place to go. I'd do anything to make it right if I get another chance. I'm also tired of letting them down every time but can't undo what I've done. Maybe if I die they don't have to be ashamed of me anymore.. I'm running out of time..


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14 Responses »

  1. Asalamo Alaykum

    Suicide is not an option. Are you really going to kill yourself over some cultural crap? There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, infact your parents are the ones who are wrong. You need to stop living your life for your parents and live it for yourself. I'm not saying be disobedient but don't let this cultural crap get to you. Enrol yourself into art school again and work hard. Get closer to allah and allah will help you inshallah. And it doesn't matter if you aren't engaged, everything will fall into place when god wills. I'll make dua for you. May allah make it easy for you and guide your family

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

      I agree with Ukhty. "Suicide is not an option."

      I feel so sorry for what you are going through, and I pray that Allah makes a way out for you.

      Also, it's not Islamic for your parents to expect back what they have spent on their children. It's their responsibility to spend on their children.

      It's not late for school as Ukhty has said above. I also like how you have been able to get closer to Allah by yourself. That is the solution. Continue praying to Allah and growing more closer to Him, and have faith and trust in Him. Pray that Allah guides your family, and pray that He guides to you a good religious brother for marriage who would understand and help you through what you are facing.

      For the mean time (before you decide going back to school), you may want to take a diploma course in Islamic studies. As this could also help you to stand on your feet and go against any cultural crap with confidence

      See the below link

      May Allah help you and ease things for you! Ameen.

    Its been months and I'm trying to think a solution..and suicide is the only one come to my mind. Its a win win for me.
    (Iblees (Satan)) said: "O my Lord! Because you misled me, I shall indeed adorn the path of error for them (mankind) on the earth, and I shall mislead them all.
    "Except Your chosen, (guided) slaves among them" (Quran, al-Hijr: 39 – 40).
    Prophet(SAW) said. "Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself, he will be in the Fire of Hell throwing himself down for ever and ever. Whoever drinks poison and kills himself will have the poison in his hand, drinking it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron (i.e. a weapon) will have that piece of iron in his hand, stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell forever and ever....
    Iblees’ / Satan’s ultimate goal

    After Allah gave him the reprieve until the Day of Judgment, he made misleading man as his primary goal. Allah told us about that in the Quran, “(Iblees) said: ‘Because You have sent me astray, surely, I will sit in wait against them (human beings) on Your straight path. Then I will come to them from before them and behind them, from their right and from their left, and You will not find most of them as thankful ones (i.e. they will not be dutiful to You)’” (Quran, Al-Aaraf: 16,17).

  3. Assalamu alaikum sister,
    First of all, all of these issues are in your head and that of your family. If you close your eyes and shut everything out for just a moment you will realize that you already have what you need the most. You are young and healthy and you have all your life ahead of you filled with so many possibilities and most importantly you have Allah SWT on your side. Grades,reputation, beauty, are all distractions from the only thing that really is important and that is celebrating and praising Allah SWT for the miracle of life and all his blessings because when judgement day comes that is what you will be held accountable for. Not grades, not beauty, and not pleasing people who have impossibly unreal expectations and wrong priorities. In fact striving to please people will always lead to dissapointment. Striving to please Allah will always lead to happiness so choose your battles wisely and remember the one who truly deserves your love and in turn you will feel happiness. Ending your life is a horrible option especially when you haven't yet begun to even live it. You need to find out what your good at and set short term goals for yourself. You must use the gifts which Allah Swt blessed u with. If your parents can be convinced that you are doing what you can and want to do for a career they will support even if you must leave to do it but first u must find out what that is and believe in it. Don't worry about them feeling lonely their joy when you succeed will greatly surpass their temporary desire. The fact that they wanted to send you away for further schooling suggests this true. You must just take responsibility for your mistake and tell them your plan of action how you plan to make things right and if they throw you out or disown you which I greatly doubt then so be it. You will find a way to succeed but you must get a plan and pray for guidance. Maybe public service is your calling just please get involved with your community and shadow different jobs to get you thinking and motivate. U must work on you first if you want to change your life
    -my love goes out to you. I will make dua for you

  4. The majority of young adults around your age have the same issues. Your family is a bit extreme (it could also be that you're too sensitive).Some parents are purposely hard on their kids , as a way to make them strong individuals.this approach might work for some, but it might cause others spent a life time trying to hear the words "I love you and I'm proud of you" come out of a parent's mouth.
    Obviously as others mentioned, suicide isn't an option. It's all a state of mind and all about changing the way you think. Instead of trying to achieve your parents goals for you, try to achieve you own goals, ones you've set for your self. Living in a hostile environment can make it very hard to excel, that's why I believe that if you set your own goals and follow what you truly want to do, it might help you tune out some of the background noise. Don't worry about what others want you to do ,worry about what you want to become. With that being said, you have to be smart with you choice,make sure that you can find a job with your educational choice. Find a balance between what you want to do and what will help you be financially stable. Art might be what you want to do,but are you going to be able to find a job after graduation?

    It's been 23 years now, and you have to accept that you might not get the love you want from your parents, just know they love you, but will never show it the way you'd have to accept that. Find contentment and peace in you self, don't compare your self to your siblings , be a good daughter, but follow YOUR dreams

  5. Assalamualaykum My little sister,

    Your post reminded me of my childhood, teenage and college life.

    Let me start with my story first. I am youngest among my siblings, i was almost about to be adopted by my aunt and i am very sensitive. On top of this my dad died when i was a child. My mother was house wife and my siblings helped me grew up. No one asked me to pray salath, or do any ibadath but some how Allah gave me that taufeeq and also i think because i remember seeing my father being very religious and never missing a salath. I was always an average student due to which my siblings hated me so my mother, even in college i use to fail but no one really checked my grades but some how i managed to graduate taking few more years. Since my dad passed away i never asked a penny to spend or go out with my friends for dinner/lunch. My friends knew i come from a middle class family and use to think i would spend more money but alhamdulillah i never told them about my personal life. When my father died i use to be loved by family and slowly it faded and no one was there to tap on your shoulder or say "love you" for what you have done. My mother was never an emotional lady and she use to ask how i am going to proceed in life with these grades and even i made her cry for this.

    But my life has completely changed since i graduated. Allhamdulillah,Allah made ways and made me prepare for job and gave me best of the jobs. People who got A's were and still could not find better jobs but Allah made me make money 4 times better than my friends, so much so that i started making money more than anyone in my extended family/ friends.

    Lessons learnt - Through out my school/college staying close to religion helped me fight through the sensitivites of life and it is the only way, i am little more sensitive than others but if religion was not there i would have commited suicide long back. Recently I learned that my mother is an emotional lady but she never use to show because that was her way of taking care of her kids. My siblings who never use to give damn to me, now respects me even though i am young and take advice from me in their personal lives only because they think i am religious(i am not religious - Allah knows me) and maturity. No one in my family have struggled so much like me i believe, i paid for my tuition, home,food and etc since i started my college.

    Sister, the reason i described my story is to help you get may be some answers of your life from my life. Its important that you get close to your creator ask Him day and night, wake up in the night and i thnk whatever i have today is due to respecti have given to my elders and duas. I remember my siblings use to hit me like garbage, they use to hit me in my chest with their legs and so much so my sister in laws use to cry the punishment they use to give but i did not respond and forgave them. So sister forgive whoever have hurt you, and ask Allah as dua is the weapon of a beliver and i have seen He never let His servants down. At the same time try if you can make things right by taking an extra year and finishing all of your courses. I know not everyone is same but later i realised in life that a muslim whatever he/she picks up they should do it to its perfection. I have learnt this at work and giving best out of me,Allah has given lot of respect to me at my work for my skills and behavior with colleagues. If your parents really want you to graduate finish this crap for their sake as soon as possible may be taking a year, you don't have to tell them all but don't lie either. Tell them that it would take one more year because you have to finish your courses. Later study/work what suites you best and make you interested.

    Just take life easy...don't thnk of suicide at all. Allah says in Quran "Alaa bi dhikrillahi tatma innal quloob" "Verliy peace to your heart can only be acquired by the dhikr of Allah". Recite Quran and listen to scholars(right ones) over internet and stay connected with your local masjid. You have iman,parents,siblings,status,health and respect in your community. It is a blessing to have all these at ones, think of people who has no home or home when they return find no one who is waiting for them. People in Syria are dying with no food or living in camps with snow without any heater/food or medication. Thank whatever He has given us, inshaAllah you will have better duniya and fruitful aakhira(ameen).


  6. Salamualaikum sister,

    However bad things may get in this world, it cannot compare to even an instant's breeze of hell. Please do not be deluded that problems will end - real life will only begin after we die, and you do not want to be humiliated and tortured (literarily) in the eternal life.

    Facing problems and having patience will earn you rewards in the hereafter.

    If you have come to understand your mistakes, then you would be able to present your regret and apology sincerely to your parents and insha Allah they will understand, even if they dont, keep trying and humble yourself.



  7. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    Though being lost can be scary, it also means two things: 1. you are aware you are lost and 2. you can find your way, inn shaa Allah.

    The first thing you need to do is to recognize that Allah created YOU. You are an individual with a purpose. By now, shaitaan will be whispering to you with your own voice that you are insignificant and of no value, so pay no heed to his words and put Allah above his whispering because shaitaan is an open and clear enemy to you.

    The second thing you need to realize is that you have been presented with a struggle made personally for you. It is not in your head, it is real. No one on this earth may be able to understand it or they might. Do not seek approval from others, but rather make your source of healing Allah alone. It may be that some people experience some harshness from parents and family, but others experience an extreme version--which I see happening in your case.

    Your parents mistakes can be argued in favor of or against, but either way, how you feel and what you are experiencing will not change. Remember that our beloved Prophets experienced difficulties and challenges with their family members. Prophet Ibrahim AS didn't support his father in idol worship, yet had to show him respect. Prophet Yusuf AS had to face the jealousy of his brothers at a very young age, but used his wisdom in the most adverse situations. The stories of the Prophets, you might think, are so difficult and they were very wise, how can we as common humans uphold their level of excellence? We have to remember that their stories are not mere entertainment, but something for each of us--a lesson that we can apply to our lives.

    1. Your feelings of not feeling loved and unwanted are valid. You have the right to want your parents and siblings to show you this; but if they don't, your only mistake would be to continue to want them to do this. Recognize what they can't/won't change. Move on by accepting what you can't change and replace your efforts on changing your family by remembering and praising Allah.

    2. Talk to a counsellor at school about career choices. A lot of parents focus on their children becoming engineers and doctors as if that is the only halal way to earn money. I sometimes have to chuckle at this because none of the Prophets (pbu them) were (as far as I know) and do we not value them? Maybe you are talented in design or have extremly good communication skills or could be an administrator--who knows until you try? Part of the problem for why our parents don't recognize other careers is because they might not know about them or realize how much the world has changed. If you can't become an engineer/doctor, you just can't. Stop expecting your family to understand though, otherwise you will dig a hole in your soul that will just get deeper and wider. Seek guidance from Allah. It may be that you make some decisions that are NOT wrong which your family doesn't approve of. So be it. As long as you are not transgressing the limits of Allah and you are respectful of your family, carry on. It is not acceptable for your family to ridicule you for the challenges you are facing in your studies.

    3. I don't think any child can pay back to their parents what their parents have done for them. I don't think it is possible. I don't think that this is even expected in Islam. We are expected to obey them when they guide us in the way of Islam, but respectfully choose the right path when they ask the wrong thing from us. I sincerely do not understand this idea from parents and will urge you become very good at filtering what is surrounding you. It may be helpful to you to become passively agressive in a positive sense. When your family is taunting you, ignore it and don't talk back, but get to your work and start to achieve small goals. Whatever has happened, has happened. You can't be burdened with trying to pay your parents back. I can't imagine trying to ask my child to pay me money for food I gave them when they were an infant. If a person chooses to have a baby, they are responsible for them, it really is that simple.

    4. Try very hard to stop putting the opinion's of people above Allah. Don't worry about what they think and if your family is terribly concerned about impressing the community, that is there problem. Make your relationship with Allah strong and ask Allah to improve your situation while you continue to put your efforts forth. Allah say in the Quran [3:26]

    "Say, "O Allah , Owner of Sovereignty, You give sovereignty to whom You will and You take sovereignty away from whom You will. You honor whom You will and You humble whom You will. In Your hand is [all] good. Indeed, You are over all things competent."

    So even if you are experiencing a situation that makes you feel humiliated and your family experiences respect, it is because of the will of Allah swt. Rather than not believing in yourself, beleive that Allah chose you for this role and no one else in your family was capable of handling it. It is easy to experience good in life--but to experience what you are going through--not everyone can handle it. Trust me sister, it is a test selected for you.

    I have said more than enough and to answer your question, no, don't choose suicide. Sister, believe in yourself and seek Allah's love and peace from Him. Inn shaa Allah, all will be well.

    May Allah ease your difficulties and for the challenges you face, May Allah grace you patience, strength, will power, and victory. Ameen, thummah Ameen.

  8. Salam,

    suicide is not an option. Return to Allah...

    • Good. Well said, MashaAllah. Keep it up Bro!

      • Salam Bro Issah,

        I am more depressed than everbody else, but I don't give up to live, but Inschallah God will forgive me and take to him early...Yeah, that after all Sister Saba was right...

        • Wa Alaikum Salaam Bro,

          It's ok. We understand you, and we knew you were a cool brother, exept that something was making you sound that way-lol.

          Anyway, let us all put hands together and move forward with the Ummah.

          May Allah save and protect you and us all! Ameen.

          • Salam Brother

            nice Brother. Yeah this world is like that and it's hard. But I won't give this guy here a advice because a sick cannot help a sick. Hope Allah will guide him to straight path.

  9. Bill Gates is a college dropout and is the richest man in this world. Your imagination is on fire. you need to calm down. your are only 23. You can do anything you want. If you live in a Western country you can easily find a professional guy for a husband.

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