Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I limit my wife’s visits to her parents?

muslimah

Assalamu Alaikum Brothers and Sisters

Please read the whole stuff and then kindly advise me as per Islamic Guidance.

I married last year to a girl whom I loved from the day when we were tied to each other by nikah 4 years back. All these 4 years she stayed with her parents in the city. I paid some visits to her almost twice a year. We were very frank and loved each other very much. My home situates in a village whereas she belongs to a big city, keeping in mind that she too belongs to a nearby village but her parents moved to the city even before her birth. But the whole family finds themselves free enough to stay at least 1 month in their village every year.

Coming back to my current situation, as I told you that we married last year and I stayed in my home with my wife and family for 1 month before coming back to Saudi Arabia where I am working for last 3 years.

Things moved on quite well and my wife stayed with my family (her home) for 1 month after my departure. When she visited her parents, she intended to stay there for a period that was quite longer than what I thought and suggested; 1 month. After a pretty long argument she convinced me to stay there for 1 month as it was the first time she was visiting her family after marriage etc etc. Once back to my home, I told her that now she should live with my family for a longer period as I wanted her to adjust herself and get acquainted with the environment. My intention was to let her stay there for 2 years before I could bring her here in Saudi Arabia.

But she seemed always reluctant to stay there and said she would stay wherever she wanted. But I was of the view that she should stay with my parents in my home as she is married now should focus more on her own home (me and my parents' home).

She continued a pattern of staying 1 month with her parents and almost 10 days at her own home, which was very much annoying for me any reasons whatsoever. My father looked after her as if she was his own daughter and give her whatever she wanted-be it money, food, cloths or whatever. My whole family (my parents, 1 sister, 1 brother) were very much nice and kind towards her. My mom and sister never let her work or cook or clean etc. She found herself always free and being taken care of.

One day she told me that she is going back to her family as her mom wants her to take part in a short study course back in the city. The duration of the course was over 2 months. I rejected her request. I insisted on staying where she was except timely visits to her parents.

And the next day she told me that her father is coming to take her. I categorically told her that she would not go as I am not giving permission.

But her father came, and came to know that I was refusing. He said whatever you say, I will take her as I am her father. And he took her.

That was the last day when I spoke to my wife on phone. Its been 5 months now and I'm not in any talking terms with her or her family. Though she sent me messages that she needs money. I never replied to her. As I think  she did not obey me and she does not deserve any favor from me until she repents and regrets, and seek my forgiveness, and promise not to do this kind of mistake in future.

Did I do right?

Am I doing right?

How to get out of this situation?

Pleas guide me on that.

Zaheer708.


Tagged as: , , ,

164 Responses »

  1. Waow, after reading your post. I really want to know your wife's side of the story, how she feels. I, myself belong to Pakistan and its sad that Pakistani men after getting married treat their wives as slaves. I was in a similar situation as your wife's once. And honestly speaking, how can a husband stop or limit his wife from meeting her parents isn't it unfair? How would a husband feel if her wife told him to not meet his parents. They are her parents, she has every right to visit them. You can't stop her. And by not talking to her you will only make her feel more resentful towards you and your family. And by not talking to her parents and your wife esp you will only make things worse for you and her.

    • hi.....
      First take out the myth that womens are treated as slaves after marriage. A women is the real wealth of a man and a family and a community, might be not in all religions but it is in islam..... In no Religion you will find the MEHR system... Why it is there in Islam - Its a honour to a women...

      But the women who comes to into a mans family after marriage - will adopt to their culture food etc etc - only if she thinks her husbands place and family as her own.... Its the Duty of each and every parent to Make the girl Understand this and send to the in-laws family - but the fact is 70% of the parents do not teach their girl about this... which leads to problems...... a women after marriage is dependable, and she become the wealth of the husband.... so he has full rights on her...... for that he will not treat her as a slave but - need her to do all as per his wish - this is common phenomena....... he will take care of her good and bad definitely...... limiting is not becoz of no love in the wife - its becoz of the problems that rises after she comes back from her parents place...... i accept no parents will teach bad things to their daughter but they failed to educate her on the good things...... this is the problem.... i am a father tomorrow i might also come to such situation.... so i have started to make my daughter feel that after marriage husband & in-laws are everything..

      I and we might make our daughters sleep in bed of roses, tomorrow if her husband come to to a situation to sleep on thorns, she has to.... she cannot say no"my father kept me like this i am going to him"......so parents should first educate their Daughters on this , to avoid problems...

      • What do you mean about a woman being the wealth of a man? Do you mean property or do you mean he has ownership of her? Can you back that up with references from the Quran and Hadith?

        70% of parents do not teach their daughters the proper thing? Where did you get this statistic? lol

        Sorry, husband and in-laws are not everything--yes, they deserve a high degree of respect. Every person in your life should be treated according to the rules set out by Allah swt and the boundaries in each relationship should be respected by all. First and foremost, Allah is everything. Some husbands and in-laws do not practice Islam properly even and most of what you are saying is imposing cultural values with NO back up from Quran and Hadith.

        By the way, women have rights over their husbands, just as much as husbands have rights over them.

        Al Quran: (2:228)

        Divorced women shall keep themselves in waiting for three menstrual courses and it is unlawful for them, if they believe in Allah and the Last Day, to hide whatever Allah might have created in their wombs. Should their husbands desire reconciliation during this time they are entitled to take them back into wedlock.249

        Women have the same rights against their men as men have against them; but men have a degree above them. Allah is All- Powerful, All-Wise.

        • I think one of the EDITOR should answer to this thread. They have more information Then us normal posters. This thread debate won't finish ever. We like to talk about culture more then what Hadith told us to do. No use of commenting its just a debate nothing else....

        • It depends upon parents up bringing that how they prepare their daughter.
          It is very important for them to elaborate the meaning of RUKHSATI
          Nowadays girls believe RUKHSATI means TRANSFER from parents home to Groom's house
          Thats it
          She doesn't consider groom's parent as her parents.

          But she forgets that one day she will become a Mother-in-law someday
          then she will know how a daughter -in- law should behave.

          • It's sad honestly that people are so shallow minded.

            In islam, there is no hadith or verse in the Quran that say you have ANY responsibilities towards your in laws.

            In fact if anything there is one hadith that the prophet said when asked about the in-laws? He said: The in laws is death. Some interprete this to be brother in law. But some of the major scholars believe this to be general. As in it could apply to any in law, mother father etc.

            Why was this said? Because a third person can always break a marriage like shaytaan.

            Desi marriages aren't islamic. They are all extracted from the Hindu culture, there's nothing Islamic about it. From the way the nikah is done to the concept of rukhsati.

            rukhsati means to give off your daughter to a different parent so that they are parents to your daughter?

            Islam strictly prohibits this concept as women are not allowed to change their names and in Islam we are the only religion that doesn't take women as properties. They are still binti ( fathers name) .

            It's a shariah right for men to provide their wife a seperate house. Therefore, once asked husband needs to provide up to his means, in terms of the size of the house etc.

            Women has so much rights that after marriage one of the few times she can actually deny her husband or go against his decision is if he wants to move away from her family? Are you aware of this?

            So what are you on about? A man doesn't need his parents to be wali for nikah?

            Yes janaat is under his mothers feet, but Islam is fair and still says after marriage he must care for the mom as such as that if she's ill if he can afford a carer for her then he should hire someone.

            Food shelter etc all may be provided by the son to the mother.

            Ali R.a mother lived alone being a widower?

            Daughter in laws therefore shouldn't just behave, they should respect all living beings her in laws included. But she doesn't need to listen to them. I'm sorry but that's the truth, if anything they have to adapt to a child with diffrent values and live with its

            Pakistani and Indian in laws I'm so sorry to Say, majority of them are very selfish people. It's almost disgusting.

            In sha Allah when my kids grow up I want them to live their own lives, visit once In a while. Cause I'm not going to sit at home like a desi aunty and do nothing but cook and instruct maids. Its so unhealthy.

            Let your children live their lives, I don't wanna go to hell for stopping them and asking them to adapt to my ways when why should my daughter in law ever do that? she has her own upbringing, you only truly welcome someone to your home if you sincerely accept them to be who you are.

            A father when to hassan R.A and told him that he broke his sons marriage, hassan R.a said do u know what you have done? Even if you slit your wrist, that still doesn't come close to the punishment you are about to endeavor.

            And Allah knows best

          • Our religion says nothing about wife considering husband's parents as hers. Her relation with them is out of respect not out of obligation just as the husband's relation is with wife's family. Read quran and hadith please dont be a sheep.

      • Salam brothers and sisters,

        Reading all the comments , i just want to say that,HAVE ANYONE EVER HEARD OR READ THAT OUR MOST BELOVED KHALIFAS EVER TREATED THERE IN LAWS?....OUR BELOVED PROPHET NEVER OBLIGATED ANYTHING LIKE THIS TOWARDS HIS WIVES.....If wife does anything help towards his inlaws ,then she is doing a ensan to in laws and to husband..so bettter to teach sons before getting marriage the laws and rights of wife....the wife has right to visist her parents and serve her own parents not in laws....this is the law and the right given to a woman by allah

      • What if the guy's parents are causing disputes among the couple ? Then also the solution is to dtop him frm visiting his parents???the girl's parents are to be punished just bcz they are parents to a Woman? ??I'd rather not marry!!

      • I don't agree with you. I, being a man, admit that Pakistan is a man dominated society. Women are not giver all her rights in accordance with the teachings of Islam.(1) 90% daughters are deprived from the inheritance. (2)Most of the parents do not (happily) send their daughters to university for higher education as compared to their sons. (3) Parents do not give religious education to their daughters (as well as their sons). (3)Generally mothers are more soft towards their sons (Result : The first depression). (4)Hardly 30% parents ask their daughters' liking for their spouse(2nd depression).

        Forget all dowry issues & reception expenses.

        (1)After marriage mostly the husbands think themselves victorious.The mistake they do is: change her lineage i.e. replace her father's name with his (Husband's) name. It is not only a sin but "Haraam" in Islam.Her identity is diminished. (2)They wish their wife live in a joint family, serve their parents & brothers / sisters etc. No "parda" from brothers in law i.e. "Dewarrs". [ It's absolutely not allowed in Islam ]. A wife is bound to serve her husbabd only. In Islam before marriage the bridegroom must set up a separate furnished house as per his affordance. (3)If he can afford he should try to give what she has been enjoying in her parents' home. (4)Husband cannot force his wife to comply with his un-Islamic demands. (5)He cannot stop her to visit her parents once in a week (Maximum 10 days) without a valid reason. If he stops her then she may visit her parents after 10 days without her husband's permission. (6).In case the husband is abroad for long time (over the months) & cannot take his wife there to live with him due to any reason then the wife should (better) stay with her parents & all her expenses should be borne by the husband.There is no reason for a wife to live with in-laws for a long time without her husband.

        The problem with a Pakistani husband is that he implements his wishes in the name of Islam on his wife and he considers, himself , free to do what he wishes.

        Perhaps this all is due to our social set up --- Half Islamic Half un-Islamic.

        If we want a happy family life then we will have to enforce complete Islam on ourselves (All parties inclusive).

        • Assalam alaikum Br. Muhammad,

          Jazak Allah for writing from the perspective a Pakistani man--I don't know about your percentages, but what you have described is essentially the typical life of a woman in Pakistan much of what some responders deny/ignore. Again, Jazak Allah.

        • Dear Muhammad Riaz Akhtar,

          I am Hindu, Indian,and that too man. but I am feeling very great of your words in a post and the wisdom you have given here for men mostly for people who are anti to female freedom" and exploiting laws (Islam,Indian,Hindu) in favour of men to dominate women and to restrict them as to be in their control. and I want to say that if every men (irrespective of religion ) in this world follow these rules (not Islam or Hindu) women may not have complaints against man, but the reality is some thing different that men are using laws ,god,and religion laws to get rights over women but they are not following responsibility associated with those laws. I am requesting all plz stop exploiting women as permanent slaves, people producing machines,and as women is made only for men (its not bout those who treat women as a god, or at least as a anther human being ). And all age old people please understand that women is also a human and part of our society and they also have their won dignity, and feelings to full fill, they must have their rights to pursue their future prospects . just observe that world is changing please stick to rock old men dominated methodology's. please do not limit the women just by saying age old rules. you all know some thing as per Hindu we pray women, we believe we all are creation of women, as a Hindu and as an Indian we respect every women irrespective of her religion, community a d race. peace will only be happen when women is freed out of all cultural barriers and got good freedom.

          Note : I have given my open with out having any religious views (Islam, Hindu, or any other) in my mind, but having love in my hart , towards all the women in.

          please understand (it is applicable to all irrespective of religion,country,colour or any thing). "WOMEN ARE NOT BORN FOR MEN, MEN ARE BORN BY WOMEN " so then SHE IS MORE THEN GOD, lets TREAT HER AT LEAST AS LIKE AS GOD, it responsibility of all the men on the earth (not only Muslim,Hindu,poor,and rich).

          thank you all for reading my views. please correct me if i went any where went wrong. and I am open to feedback.

          Jai hind,

          sateesh kumar konatham.
          india.

          • To Z,

            It seems that your whole family is taking care of her while she is doing nothin on her part staying at your home.let her stay at her parents ,save your family the trouble...didnt send her money for 5 months? nice move ...keep it up.

            To sateesh,

            Its always nice to men supporting women.
            R you a tamilan? so proud of you.

          • Dear Faiha,

            Brother i am not tamilan, i am telugu guy, living in hyderabad, ap. thnk you brother. r u temilian ?

        • Im not sure were you have heard a wife can go to her parents after 10 days without her husbands permission but clearly you are not very educated in islam.If the wifes parents are the cause of marital issues the husband has the right to not let his wife go.also the wife is not allowed to set foot outside the door without her husbands permission unless such an emmergency arises.u are trying to stick up for sisters but do not miss guide them by telling them things such as the wife can leave the home after 10 days is absouletly rubbish.

        • Salaam Brother, Very good points. Could you please share your sources, especially for the point that a man should provide what the woman had in her father's house if he has the means. I have a situation where a lady claims her husband should provide her the lifestyle she had in her father's house, but she knew when she married her husband that he didn't make as much money as her father, so isn't this unreasonable? Please cite your source which says she must live according to her husband's means, and husband should provide the best he can within his means. JazakAllah

      • A wife is not required to live with in laws she is entitled to her own house and own domain. Islamically. So please check facts.

      • First of all please read quran before commenting on anything because it has all the answers.. secondly our society is based on principles left by indian culture and not what our religion teaches us. After marriage the girl is not wealth of husband she is his wife ; a human being just as the husband. She marrys the guy and he is supposed to keep her with him and not to leave her behind with his family no matter what. She has no obligation of staying with them but yes she has obligation of staying with her husband. If he had been living there it would have made sense to expect her to start living there like it was her home. Islam is based on justice and equality no one is superior to other but on the basis of piousness and faith. Islam doesnt say that guy's parents are more respectful and husband and wife both just make them there centre of attention. It asks for equality, both families should be treated equally. Husband and wife after marriage becomes a seperate unit who are connected with other two units (guy's family, girl's gamily)
        So please instead of being sheeps read quran and learn the way of life it basically teaches us which is very simple and just.

      • Do u have any idea what haram ur speaking?
        * after marriage women only follow husband and take care of own children.
        *men are given more rights over women but Allah didnt make the men owner of the wife
        * wife is not responsible taking. Care of husbands family.or she dont even need to ask permition for her action from anyone except husband.
        * it is also haram for husband family to Instructor her what to do and what not.
        *men need to work outside home to maintain life,but men should also act and judge the situation wisely.
        *she has right to visit her family in any manners.it is haram to restrict her from doing so.
        *men should be educated enough to know the rights of a wife before getting married.and also educate the parents about wifes rights before getting married to avoid conflict

      • Astaghfirullah at your reply! If your Pakistani culture totally contradicts Islam then give preference to Islam not culture.

        A woman's brother is non-mehram to her so she technically can't stay in her in laws. Secondly Islam only gives permission to live with her husband. Read this hadith

        The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the husband’s relatives who are not mahrams to the wife entering upon (living with) her. It was reported from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-laws?” he said: “The in-law is death.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172).

        In light of this hadith, Al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

        If a husband wants to make her live with a co-wife or her in-laws, such as his mother or sister or daughter from another marriage or another relative, and she refuses to accept that, then he has to provide her with accommodation of her own. (Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23)

        A woman is nobody's wealth. We are independent human beings and islam is not a sexist religion. It gives women more rights than Pakistani-hinduism-inspired-culture. A woman should obey her husband but not in cases if he tries to destroy her rights given by Allah. And Allah gave women this right to stay and live with husband alone in full privacy which can't be possible at in laws.

      • As salamualaikum brother. I know i am posting this a bit late but let me clear your doubts for once and for all. After marriage a woman is only and only obliged to listen and be dependent on her husband and husband only. Not her in laws. That is not the right concept. Islamically its not right. What you are teaching to your daughter is completely wrong and i feel really bad for her. She will always be your daughter and when she gets married her husband comes first and then parents. In laws are nothing to her. They are not her relatives. That is the reason a women is not allowed to take her husbands sir name because she is not from his family's blood. She is the maintainer of his home and children. No women is suppose to work or listen to her in-laws. She is not her child. Only out of respect she can and not out of forcefulness. Remember that.

      • HAMEED,

        So your wife is your wealth but not a human. Feel so sorry to your wife and your daughter. You are not really care about your wife or your daughter's feeling, you just like to be their boss and god.

        Sign!

    • The status and rights of the mother do not supersede the rights of the husband, rather the husband’s rights are greater and take precedence over mother’s rights.

      A wife obedience to her Husband takes precedence over the obedience to a wife mother, and the wise wife strives to please her husband by doing what he wants so long as it is not contrary to sharee’ah, and she strives to honour her mother in ways that do not go against her husband’s commands. If there is a conflict of interest, then she should put her husband’s commands and wishes first.

      Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked about a woman who got married, and was no longer under her parents’ care. Which is better – honouring her parents or obeying her husband?

      He replied: When a woman gets married, her husband has more authority over her than her parents, and obeying her husband is more obligatory for her.

      Allah (Subbhanuwata'alah) says (interpretation of the meaning): “Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah (Subbhanuwata'alah) orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property)” [al-Nisa’ 4:34].

      And in a hadeeth the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “This world is temporary conveniences and the best of its comforts is a believing wife, who when you look at her she pleases you and if you tell her to do something she obeys you, and if you are away from her she protects you with regard to herself and your wealth.”.

      In Saheeh Abi Haatim it is narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If a woman offers her five (daily prayers) and fasts her month (Ramadaan) and guards her chastity and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from whichever of its gates she wants.”

      In al-Tirmidhi it is narrated that Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.” This was narrated by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a hasan hadeeth.

      It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi who said it is a hasan hadeeth.

      It was also narrated by Abu Dawood with the wording: “I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands because of the rights that Allaah has given them over them.”

      In al-Musnad it is narrated from Anas (RA) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “It is not acceptable for any human to prostrate to another, but if it were acceptable for any human to prostrate to another, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over them. By the One in Whose hand is my soul, if there were sores from his feet to the top of his head flowing with pus, then she licked them, she would not have given him all his rights.”

      And he quoted haadeeth about the virtue of obeying the husband.

      There are many haadeeth on this topic from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).

      Zayd ibn Thaabit said: The husband is a sayyid (lord or master) in the Book of Allah. Then he quoted the verse (interpretation of the meaning): “They both found her lord (i.e. her husband) at the door” [Yoosuf 12:25].

      ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said: Marriage is slavery, so let one of you look to whom he is giving his beloved daughter to be a slave to.

      In al-Tirmidhi and elsewhere it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “I urge you to treat women well, for they are like prisoners with you.”

      So the woman is like a slave of her husband, or like a prisoner; she should not go out of his house without his permission, whether she is told to do so by her father, her mother or anyone else, according to scholarly consensus.

      If a man wants to take her to another place, so long as he is doing what is required of him, and observing the sacred limits of Allah with regard to her, and her father tells her not to obey him in that, then she must obey her husband and not her father, because in that case the parents are wrongdoers, and they have no right to tell her not to obey someone like this husband, and she does not have the right to obey her mother if she tells her to leave him or to cause trouble to him so that he will divorce her, such as demanding more maintenance and more clothing, and demanding (the deferred portion of) her mahr so that he may divorce her. It is not permissible for her to obey either of her parents by divorcing him if he fears Allah with regard to her.

      In the four Sunans and Saheeh Ibn Abi Haatim it is narrated that Thawbaan said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when there is nothing wrong, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.”

      According to another hadeeth: “The women who ask for khula’ and the women who make a want on display of themselves are indeed hypocrites.”

      But if both or one of her parents tells her to do something that involves obedience to Allah, such as praying regularly, speaking the truth and fulfilling trusts, and tells her not to squander or waste her money, and other things that have been enjoined or forbidden by Allah and His Messenger, then she must obey them in that, even if the command comes from someone other than her parents, so how about if it comes from her parents?

      • You must be joking. This has to be satire. No one is this backwards. Did you just say the husband is more important than the mother? Are you an imbecile? Under whose feet is jannah found? The husband lol jk THE MOTHER. Aljannah ta7t aqdam il omahat. And on the list of important people where do husbands come? They don't even feature and the father comes 4th. Omoka thoma omoka thoma omoka thoma abook. The Prophet (PBUH) said your mother 3 times and your father fourth. He never said husband. Plz never marry.

      • bro just wake up, you had enough sleep. its time to change your mind set. you or not purchasing women like a got in the market to follow your commands and give you of her authority. there is no use of people like you in this world. do know the meaning of "authority", this word is used when we deal with slaves or any other people below our level, and even today realise that she is your partner not your worker to show The authority or commend, and should not expect or stress her to obey your commends by using some age old laws and the great god name. ohh my god he is using god and gods law to get authority to control her soul meet (wife).

        great attitude year. brother start respecting women. if there is no women there is no creature you,me and others spending here are nothing. and men must be controlled by women then only peace would be granted to us. please bro please change you way of dealing women. and give women same rights as men.

        FOR ALL OTHER PEOPLE : I am very sorry for using your platform for publishing my views on women and their dignity in the world.

        thank you all.
        sateesh.

      • Oh please, all of this shows obedience to husband, not to inlaws. And we very well know obedience means obedience when there are no destroying of rights of others. So stealing away woman's islamic right to live alone with her husband without inlaws doesn't have to be obeyed.

        A brother in law is non-mehram to her so she technically can't stay in her in laws. And a man who isn't staying in that home, he can't force her to stay at a place where he lives with his extended family, leave alone a joint family where he himself doesn't leave. Read this hadith

        The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the husband’s relatives who are not mahrams to the wife entering upon (living with) her. It was reported from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-laws?” he said: “The in-law is death.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172).

        In light of this hadith, Al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

        If a husband wants to make her live with a co-wife or her in-laws, such as his mother or sister or daughter from another marriage or another relative, and she refuses to accept that, then he has to provide her with accommodation of her own. (Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23)

        You men are really monsters and hypocrites while Allah made you protector of women but you enslave women for your own selfish interests. Allah told you to take care of your mothers, not your wives!!!

        Throw your hypocrisy on an uneducated women who doesn't know Islam. A Muslimah should know her rights in Islam before selfish men tell her to obey him to an extent of stealing their rights which is absolutely forbidden in Islam.

        Islam is fair and just religion. And women have rights over you!!

    • I also was married to a Pakistani and felt he treated me as a slave. It does seem natural in the culture but completely UnIslamic. I am glad I was able to get out of the marriage as it was a nightmare. It just seems natural to these men to treat the wife as a slave. I am sure there are good and more aware men in Pakistan that give women Islamic rights but many live by culture where a women is seen as nothing.

      • How did you get out of the marriage. I married a Pakistani man in January and his family treats me very aweful especially after I fell ill. They threw things at me and harassed me how did you get out

        • This is completely prohibited in islam
          Talk with your parents about it.
          U asking to merwa how she did it... is simple. Divorce. But you must consult with your elders fiRST.

        • Sister i hope u r out of this bad situation now. Definitly to get rid of such toxic people u have to ask for divorce and get khula if ur husbnd is not supporting u. Bt before breaking the relation try a last time. talk to ur husband try to convince him for solving matter or provide u a separate accomodation and tell him that this is now unbearable. If he doesnt do any of the thing try to involve your parents. If husband and inlaws turn down request of ur patents then involve some respected and sensible peopl of his family or relative for mediating. if it also makes no diference then go to court for khula. But before breaking d relation try to take every step u can to resolve the matter. So that u wont regret ur decision at any point in life

    • what on earth makes u say the wife has the right to behave as she did?? if she was so fond of living with her parents, and didnt give a damn about what her husband thought or told her to do, then in my opinion she should be given a divorce and told to go find someone else! the husband is and should be, the head of the household, and should be obeyed by the wife at all times and in all respects. even if her father is ill, she cannot go and visit him without her husband's permission! although, in such cases i think the huband should allow her to visit, however the point is , the permission of the husband is required at all times!

      • Must be "fun" to be a woman in your world. Guantanamo Bay sounds a lot more appealing than being married to someone of your views. You know who would make a perfect wife for you? A German Shepherd. I have heard these beautiful dogs are really receptive to commands.

  2. You shouldn't be so far away from your wife it's not good.

    One of the most dangerous ploys of Shaitaan is to sow distrust between a husband and a wife,  so that he may destroy the sacred institution of marriage.

    You cannot limit her from visiting her parents but also she isn't doing a good thing either by not listening to you,
    Islamically your wife shouldn't be alone at your parens because you have a brother there also so maybe it's a good thing she is at her parents that way she has her family around her.
    She should also try keeping in touch with your family over the phone and visiting them or even so stay a month here a month there.

    You should take your wife to Saudi so you can live as a couple.

    • what planet are you from ( a month here a month there.)every wife lives with husband as a couple full time not month here month their is this how your family lives.

  3. 5months you both didn't talk? But she dosent hesitate to ask for money? Really it is kind of complicated thing. Even your or her parents didn't try to fix this things?

    Anyways firstly you shouldn't limit your wife visiting to her parents. But she didn't obey you which she didn't do it right but you have to understand that when a girl get married she leave everything behind her and come to a new place most important you are not with her so it is normal if she wants to spend time with her parents. On other hand it's not the way to say you can't go!! You should have explain it to her nicely and kindly. It's not like she didn't ask your permission? She did but in your anger you refused which was not good.

    I think you should talk to your parents and her parents to make thing easy for you both but don't know weather you talked with the parents. If you didn't then you did very wrong, think you should talk and make things clear.

  4. What an interesting situation.

    1. Stop the games, you're married and live with her now. Don't wait 2 years, what's the 2 years for? Financial reasons? If so, you shouldn't have married. Get her over there with you now.

    2. Your wife has every right to stay in touch and see her family regularly, maybe she doesn't want to stay with your parents, and she doesn't have to, especially if you are not there.

    3. Asking for money alone, what kind of a wife only contacts her husband when she needs money? She has a right to it, but she also has the responsibility of beign a wife ie. caring for her husband's well being, which in 5 months she hasn't sahown by not contacting you otherwise.

    I'm gong to put it bluntly to you, situations like this end up in disaster and you are the root cause of the blame, not your wife, for living so far away and deliberately not bringing her closer to you.

    If you don't end up brining her to you soon, this may and probably will have catastrophic consequences, just read questions on this site if you doubt us.

    So please move yoru wife closer to you, that is what a husband and wife do, live togetehr in peace and harmony, not on the other side of the world from each other.

  5. Another piece of suggestion to the OP(asif)

    Take this matter to a qualified Imam(Islamic scholar).He will tell you Islamic way to deal with these issues.

    People posting here are mostly lay mans.

  6. If she is not with you then why should she stay with your parents, of course she should visit your family and love and respect them but what harm is there in staying with her family until you are able to preform your duty as a husband she married you not your family, and as for @lala Allah (swt) gave men responsibility over his family he is given this not to control people but to guide them and protect them, I know of a man who would not let his wife go to her fathers funeral the wife did not go and listened to her husband but their marriage did not last beyond a year after that because she could not help but hate her husband and it was better for her deen to leave him, now he is the one crying and alone without his children and wife and for what because of a pointless display of supposed manliness, life is to short for theses pointless games and power plays, Brother be the better man and call your wife don't waste 4 years of your lives insha'Allah khair,

  7. Salaams,

    Even lala's post included the following " But the husband should not prevent her from visiting her parents if they are sick or going to see them, because that is cutting of ties of kinship with them". If a husband puts a stricture on his wife that would keep her from family (coming between kinships), then he is sinful for being an oppressor just as much as she is sinful for disobeying him and seeing them anyway. There are all kinds of Hadith about the lot of oppressors and how we should avoid such behaviors. I think the point here is, don't entice your spouse to sin by taking an unreasonable and potentially sinful position yourself.

    Brother, after reading your post it seems to me that you have this idea of home being a certain village or region or household. Home is where your family is. Since you are her husband, her home is being with you wherever you are. After you, her next of kin is her own family, not yours (her in laws). She married you, not your entire clan. Requiring her to stay with your family instead of her own in your absence really doesn't take into account your wife's own feelings and preferences in the matter, and what husband who loves his wife would overlook that? If a marriage is only about who is leading and who is following, then you are short changing both yourself and your wife from all of the beautiful and fulfilling aspects of marriage that you could be experiencing. I suggest you go ahead and bring your wife to wherever you are so you can find out what you've been missing out on.

    By the way, you said you refuse to send her money because you think she owes you an apology first...let me remind you that your obligations on her don't cease to be obligations even if she is in the wrong. You are still accountable for her maintenance by Allah. I suggest you go ahead and make sure she is still cared for despite what has happened, and maybe she will also come to you humbly to work out this problem. If you stay on this "tit for tat" method you will only wind up divorced and carrying sins for your part of it.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Agreed..
      How could a man limit his wife from her parents???
      She should be living with you or her own family not yours.
      If you couldn't afford her living with you why did you get married in the first place??
      Masalaam

  8. As Salamu Alaikum,

    Sister Lala, these restrictions are not sound. A wife is the husband's partner, she is not his slave, nor his maid who has to obey every command. I heard from some extremists who preach that a female should leave home twice in her life time. Once when she leaves her parents home to her husband's home, during marriage. The second time is once she dies, she leaves her home to the grave to be buried! Sister Lala, if all men will start to apply the restrictions you mentioned in your post, few women would like to be married.

    Telling a woman that she should not go to visit her parents' home does not seem right. I understand that the wife should not abuse this right.

    The brother here, in my opinion, has unreasonable expectations. He married his wife then he leaves to work in another country and he expect his wife to stay with the in-laws. He is not there. It is better that she stays at her parents house this way there will be no issues with the in-laws.The husband is saying that his family does everything to his wife because she is new, in the future they may get tired of doing every thing for her and they may start trouble. I hope this does not happen but that is a possibility as we are humans not angels.

    The best thing, for the brother is to get his wife to live with him asap. If that is not possible, he can let his wife stay with her parents and of course, she can visit the in-laws during holidays and her in-laws can also visit her at her parents' house.

    To the brother, I will give a real example that is similar to his situation and had a very happy ending. My sister was married and she could not join her husband as he was working in a different country. My brother in-law came back home every year. During the visit, my sister lived with him and the in-laws and when my sister's husband left for his job, my sister lived with us at my parents' house. She visited the in-laws every Eid and in every special occasion. Her mother in-law came to visit us and everyone was happy. And of course, my brother in-law sent money to my sister. It was her money, she spent it how she wanted. He never said to her, you are at your parents' house and I will not take care of you.

    Mashaallah, my sister and my brother are happily married since 1998. And for the brother, I assure you, your wife wants you more than anyone. She wants to be with you and only you not her parents nor your parents. She is your wife, take her with you if you can or let her choose where she wants to be until you can be with her. My sister lived with us but she always missed her husband. Brother, you have to break the ice, talk to your wife. If she is upset, stay calm and just work things out.

    May Allah bring you and your wife closer and live a happy married life.

    Reader

  9. Salams brother Lala,
    Brother, I apologize that someone removed your comments which were actually valid though not exactly relevant to this post. I will speak to my fellow editors iA. I personally read those two fatwas that you pasted from authentic websites and couldn't find anything extreme with them, if I had I would have removed it myself. Of course, a husband can't prohibit his wife from visiting her family but it's another thing to spend most of the time at parents. If parents or daughter didn't want to live with her husband and his family then why get married in the first place. All parents love their daughters but its a reality that they have to get married and live their life as her mother did. Ideally she should be living with her husband but I am sure this brother may not be able to afford her in his country of work ATM. In which case she should be living at HIS house not HER parents house. However, it is wrong to not pay her maintenance or simply ignore her calls, messages or cut off communication.

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Brother Mahammed what do you mean she should be living in his parents house, in no way should she be living there with his brothers her bother inlaw they are not her mahrams, and with out him there that's even worst she is better Islamically in her farthers home around her mahrams if she cant live with husband at moment,

      • Sister Zeena,
        If there a other adults (brother/brother-in-law etc etc) living in that house then certainly she shouldn't be living there; and OP didn't provide any such details as well. Thanks for pointing that out:).

        Muhammad1982,
        Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Brother first of all she is not with her husband, secondly she is not staying after month and month she is doing the opposite less at in laws house more at parents. Yes you are right we should live like our mother did but in this situation they are not together that's the main thing.

      • Nadia,
        I am going to post something that you posted before and hope that you can see where I am coming from. Their was a reason why you parents didn't ask you to leave you husband's house; I hope you can understand if not then whenever you visit your parents, please ask them:).

        when I got married my husband went back to Australia after 10days. I stayed with my in laws. I asked permission he didn't give me I cried a lot for that then my dad explained to me that my in laws are my home now I should stay there. My parents did feel bad but just for my sake they explain me that way I did listen to my dad. I stayed there 8 months in 8 months I visited my parents house only 10/12times not more then that.

        Jazak Allah and happy fasting:).

        Muhammad1982,
        Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

        • Yes very true but at the end I also mention that parents have to take some role. In this brother post he didn't said anything about what parents want to do. That's why I shared my very personal story.

          • And that role is the ask their child to pack the bags and leave, rather than speaking to this brother. How about if his parents ask him to leave his wife? Is that taking the responsibility; I hope not. All I am saying is that parents should get both sides to talk and solve the matter before taking the extreme step. Parents shouldn't put their children in such situations where they have to make hard choices.

            I hope this explains what I am trying to say; if not then I still suggest you to the same.

            Muhammad1982,
            Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  10. Well Well,,, The culprit has been found : me (as per the respected commentators)

    There has been little mis-understanding. As my title suggests, I asked if I could " Limit" her visits.
    many of my friends are taking it as If I have totally restricted her to do so. I just wanted her to stay more at my home. I told her that she could go to her parents every so often. But she categorically refused to stay there (I may not have mentioned this in my earlier post un-intentionally ).

    The other thing which is being mis-understood is that I wanted her to stay there for 2 years at a stretch which is wrong. I meant that she would stay in pakistan for 2 years before I could bring her here. In that time she could pay visits to her parents for 2 or 3 days even every month.

    But I still consider your valuable suggestions and trying to find a way out of this. This thing has become more like an ego-war.

    • Why you want to limit her visits to her family, what if she wants to stay for the 2 years with her parents and she would visit your family sometimes. You are not there anyway, so you can not say its her "new home". Plus as someone has mentioned, she should not stay under same roof of your brother, that's not allowed islamically. Islamically the best place to stay during your physical Absence is at her own family, where she feels the most comfortable. It's not question of not having household works etc, husband is away, her place is at her family, not yours.
      About the money, she is asking cos she probably needs, she doesn't owe exchange regrets, plus she can't regret as she didn't do anything wrong, she went with her father, she didn't follow a unknown person. That's why she didn't present apology cos for her it was her deep wish and her best option was to stay at her family. And it's totally normal she asked you money as you are her husband. Who else she would ask?
      Don't be upset on her cos she didn't listen to you, we owe obedience to husband but not as master who give whatever orders. Plus again dont forget your brother will be in same roof as her which is not normal, especially during your absence.

      Don't complicate your mariage, send some money, be nice with her, let her visit your parents to keep good contact between families. She is not doing anything wrong, she will return to your family once you come to visit your country.

      Salam.

  11. One more thing,,, I dont know how this disgusting pic " control woman" has got allied with my post.
    Any one knows how to remove it???

    • I see one of the Editors has already changed the photo. We Editors do our best to find photos that illustrate the image in some way. Sometimes we do a good job; maybe sometimes, not so good. No offense was intended.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Well brother after reading your reply I think it will be best for both of you if you consult your and her parents about it. You and your wife didn't speak for 5MONTHS?!! It's not a joke it is a big issue in marriage specially you both live in separate country not even city. You starred the problem you should say sorry to her. She did nothing wrong. Going to parents house or wish to stay there when you not with her it's. Nothing wrong in it. Trust me I will tell you mine story.when I got married my husband went back to aus after 10days I stayed with my in laws. I asked permission he didn't give me I cried a lot for that then my dad explained to me that my in laws are my home now I should stay there. My parents did feel bad but just for my sake they explain me that way I did listen to my dad. I stayed there 8 months in8 months I visited my parents house only 10/12times not more then that. My mother in law always wanted me to spend time with my parents but my husband was hard so my mother in law was helpless. After 8months when my mother in law saw that it's taking time to get visa in normal process and her own son is not allowing me to visit my parents like the way i want then she arraigned money and got me visa specially so that I can go to my husband asap.

    So see brother parents have to have some role and I felt very bad that I couldn't stay with my parents that often now my parents are old, sick cant fly so on they are dying to see my daughter now but for some financial reason we can't visit them now.

    Donot be hard with your wife she will feel bad trust me. Try to solve in and be together asap.

    • Oh sad , we have only one mom and one dad, the people who lost their parents always say they wish they could still see them. In laws are also important t but not as much as your own parents, time passing and they are not getting younger.i live abroad also and so I know what it feels not to see your parents as much as you want. Maybe men doesn't have same attachment, we, women are more attached to our mummy, daddy :). Allah bless them.

      • Lol Sara, my husband has a similar issue. He doesn't like me staying at my parents for a longer period of time. So, I do as he says to avoid any fights. Sometimes I think men feel insecure when their wives are at their parents. I don't know

  13. Dear brothers n sisters. I am requesting you to close this thread.

    Your suggestions are valuable but, believe me, not as per Islamic guidance. I have felt 2 things here.

    1. Most of the fellows are suggesting as per western culture with very little take of Islam. I believe so because I have spent 5 years in UK for study and I understand western culture.

    2. Most of the commentators are females, only to depict men as culprits.

    hence i request you guys to stop please. I will take this matter to some Genuine Authentic Aalim for guidance.

    Thanks and bye.

    • Good decision ....

      • wow truth hurts you must really hate a woman who tell you how it is never less it is your marriage and you are in the wrong. Good decision speak to an imaan it is your marriage save it before it is too late that you let your ego get in the way.

        • Yes, it hurts... that's why most, if not all, female posters are bragging... I would bet his wife would have done almost the same even if he had been staying with her... Impact of western culture, nothing else... such things couldn't have been imagined in 99% of Pakistani families 30 years back

          • Plus, the beloved Father in law of the guy is so 'generous' that he takes her away anyway.. better separate, than be in a marriage with such a disgusting woman who cares only about money... A noble father in law wouldn't have wanted his 'authority' to be stamped... Isn't it true that he is the one 'controlling' the life of the woman? So the 'sincere' wife of the husband prefers her blood relations... then why she got married in the first place... True, the husband should be with her; but of course, that won't her soothe the pain of her or most of the female commentators here

          • Zafar,

            Clearly you have spoken like a 'TP' - ma'sha'Allah.

            So, since this is an Islamic advice website, lets start talking Islamically. If a woman marries a man, who is living in another country, there is nothing in Islam saying she should or must live with her in-laws. Her marriage is to her husband, not his entire clan. While her husband is absent, her father's home is the best place for her to live, unless she has a place of her own. And since she has just newly married, why and how would she feel comfortable living with all her in laws without her husband present.

            In the 'pakistani religion', it is expected for a woman to live with her in laws, it is also expected for her to obey her husband's every command.

            However, in the 'Muslim religion', a woman is entitled to have her own place of residence (yes, separate from her in laws believe it or not), she is entitled to her husband's time (to live with him), love and company (amongst other things) and she is in an equal partnership with her husband. She also continues to have a duty to care for her parents as much as possible while managing her relationship with her 'husband'. It is kind of her to care for her in laws too, as it is equally for her husband to care for his in laws.

            As for the 'western culture', Pakistan would benefit much from adopting some of their qualities. I am thankful to Allah that he took my father out of Pakistan and to the West when he did, thus giving me opportunities that I would most likely not have had. Allah made different nations for us to learn from one another. So think, before you start jumping on the 'west is so bad' band wagon.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • SisterZ, what's a TP?

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Ahem...typical pakistani...

          • Impact of western culture? So in the west married girls go and live with their parents? that made no sense.

            West isn't completely bad.
            East isn't completely good.

            No one can deny the problems that daughters-in-laws face in Pakistan/India and if you do, you are completely blind to the injustices occurring. Islam gave women respect, not cultural practices.

            Sorry to say it isn't about staying in 4 walls to protect you (from your comment below), here's why.

            Several families in Pakistan I know have one son in Pakistan and one son abroad. The daughter-in-law in Pakistan isn't allowed to go out, isn't allowed to make a decision about clothing to wear, isn't allowed to make decisions regarding her children. Meanwhile, the daughter-in-law abroad works and supports the family and HIS (husband's) family because the husband sends all his income back home to his parents and to support his brother who lives at home. So if staying in the home/4 walls of the home was so important to some of those men, they would never accept this double standard for one daughter-in-law and not the other. This issue is about control and power.

          • You are also(originally,by roots) a Pakistani ,Sisterz. Your parents like many south asians immigrated to a western country in search of money and luxuries. You are just like those "typical self hating confused desis" ,who on landing in a western country consider themselves superior than the people back home while either driving a taxi or doing a substandard job. You think,getting treated a second or third class citizen in a western country is better. I don't know whether this is ignorance or arrogance but whatever it is,it sounds very pathetic.

            The way you have used the word "typical Pakistani" is very demeaning.As a site moderator,you should be ashamed to even make that statement.

            And as far as the women in western countries are concerned. I would suggest to religious,educated,culturally inclined men to never marry somebody from west. .Yes,these women might have degrees and be successful "professionally" but those are not the characteristics you should be looking for. Islamic feminism and the "westernized" version of Islam has started to show its dominance. They have changed the once morally superior,modest,culturally inclined and religious muslim women into hard core feminists

            If you still want to end up as divorce and pay alimony for the rest of your life then sure go ahead but don't say that you were not warned.

      • aaaa:

        you spoke my heart out... thanks... I didn't have time to reply these "BUSY" people... thanks yet again

        • aaaa and Zafar,

          It is not through arrogance or ignorance that I am grateful that Allah brought my family to the West. I am not into expensive cars, houses or goods, far from it. Neither am I treated like a second class citizen in the West. I am grateful, because I have been given opportunities that are void in Pakistan - which is a so called Muslim country.

          The West and East both have good and bad points. But the issue we are discussing here is 'women's rights' - the West is known for subjugating women through sexual exploitation; and the East is known for subjugating women through treating them as the lower of the two genders; stripping many of their God given rights. I don't agree with either, but in the West, I have the freedom to learn, to explore, to think freely, to study, to be a woman to my full potential - within the limits of Islam.

          Pakistan is not a manifestation of Islam. So when people's minds change from narrow to open, hopefully the typical Pakistani will be more Muslim and less cultural. And, aaaa - men like yourself are scared of educated and free thinking women, you feel threatened by their ability to think and speak and have an opinion that maybe equal to or better than yours. Khadija(ra), wife of Rasool(sws) was a business woman, highly educated, wealthy, professional and financial supporter of her husband - I am very sure you would feel threatened by such a woman.

          In your own words: "Yes,these women might have degrees and be successful "professionally" but those are not the characteristics you should be looking for.

          aaaa, your attitude is the type that breeds ignorance, lack of integration and misconceptions about women in Islam.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • What a beautiful response SisterZ, MashAllah. Thank you.
            We need more sisters like yourself- pious, educated, intellegent and successful Muslimas . We have to fight the ignorant culture and educate people about women rights in Islam.

          • Beautifully-written SisterZ.

        • The advice to not marry these women is very good--it will save those women from further heartaches. BEST advice.

          • JazaakhaAllahkhayr Mary,

            I still have a long way to go. I may not be living in Pakistan, but I am still surrounded by a family who's minds are influenced by the culture. It takes time for mind sets to change for the better, so living amongst that while being liberated by Islam can be a struggle.

            Alhumdulillah minds are gradually turning towards Islam and away from jaahiliyya.

            SisterZ

        • Great reply sister z. Alhamdolillah all men don't think like male chauvinists of the era of jahilia. I wish they could understand how blessed they are to be a part of a modern and open minded religion.
          may Allah open their eyes to the truth. Aameen

    • You have received good advice from the information you have given, it is up to you whether you take it on board or not so please don't fall into the 'gender bias' trap. It may be that a brother or a sister has offered good sound advice - please do take a look at Readers response especially, it is quite neutral.

      But if you are not happy then do contact a scholar. Ultimately one of the best things you can do is to seek Allah's guidance on the matter and purify your intentions - seek to follow the way which pleases Him and ask Him to bring you to it. Your wife may have made mistakes as you may have too but there is little point discussing who is in the wrong because it is irrelevant. Each one of you are accountable for your own mistakes so regardless of how she acts give her back something better.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • i know you said stop but i had to just say that brother Z most have studied all our lives in the west and understand the culture and lived a life of islam to the best of our abilities.

      its also given us an insight into how BS the pakistani culture is in light if islam.

      your not completly to blameless but neither is your wife.

      question is, when the genuine alim tells you its not your wife's duty or obligation to live with your parents, or to look after your parents or siblings - will you refer to another genuine alim??

      anyway good luck.

    • This is nothing got to do with western culture this about the problem you have with your
      wife seeing her own parents. (Which is Islamically her right and you have no right to stop her from seeing her own parents.

    • http://islamqa.info/en/ref/83778

      You have every right to have a separate house in which you live with your husband and children, and you have the right to privacy, if your husband wants you to live with his family, and he will not be disobeying his mother if he allows you that. The wise and intelligent man weighs things against the standards of sharee’ah, and gives each person who is entitled to rights his or her due, and he does not take away from one in order to give to another.

      But despite that we know how difficult it is to live separately in many cases, especially in current circumstances when finding suitable accommodation, especially in the big cities, is very difficult to achieve. In this case the man must look at his circumstances in general with an open mind, so that he will not make things difficult for himself or for the people around him. Allaah has decreed proficiency in all things.

      Your husband has to understand the reality of your situation with his mother, because this is causing you to be edgy, which is affecting your children. It may also be affecting your husband. Hence he should hasten to solve the problems in his household, and he should accept frank discussion with you in all matters. He has to bear the responsibility that Islam has enjoined on him, and he has to honour his family, which also includes advising them and reminding them if they do something that is contrary to sharee’ah. He is also responsible for treating his wife kindly and he is responsible for raising his children. He is in great need of someone who can discuss these matters frankly with him and help him, and you are the main support who can help him in all these matters.

      We ask Allaah to guide you and set your affairs straight, and to reconcile between you, and to make you a happy family in this world and in the Hereafter.

      And Allaah knows best.

      Therefore your wife has no obligations towards your wife.

    • I pray to Allah that he grant you a daughter inshallah. And one day come back in your own thread and tell us about your daughter husband attitude. 🙂

      • NormalPoster:

        Good Parents of daughters should make a choice before marriage and then be contended with it... the duty of her husband will be to care for her not her parents or family... I pray that I have a daughter and be a MANLY father when she will be married...

        • Inshallah may allah grant your dua. But it's really hard to say weather parents made good choice or not because before married no one can see the real picture of man or women after married the true picture come because they living with that person. Just as much as the husband's parents have the right to be looked after by him in their old age, the daughter's parents have exactly the same right.

          • Absolutely. I know of a woman who is going through chemotherapy and her son-in-law won't allow his wife to stay with her mother during these difficult times. His only argument is argument '' me and my kids should be your first priority'' but what he implies is ''Only priority''. She could not visit her mum and if she died due to cancer this woman will go though a prolong period of depression, and since the treatment is exhaustive her mother expects her to be by her side.

            I don't understand how some Muslim men and their parents forget that they are humans first. this lady has responsibility towards her mother as well. Just like a man is supposed to go and check on his parents everyday and provide for them, a woman especially if she has no brothers staying with them of if they r too old to take care of themselves, automatically feels the need to go and meet her parents as often as she should. whether they are suffering from cancer or common cold or disabilities due to aging or NOTHING.

            Your parents bore YOU, raised YOU, so YOU take care of them. if she shares your responsibility towards them then she will be rewarded but don't wash your hands off them by forcing them on her. She can very well refuse to share your job and she won't b answerable to anyone at all.

            I was reading this thread and saw some very stupid comments here.

            By stopping someone from serving her parents your are stopping her from her duty towards Allah. if you are going to be a tyrant like that you will be punished like one. so be a Muslim man who is patient and charitable and loving and understanding like the prophet and the sahabas and not some tyrant from the lineage of polytheists. Don't get into a mindless argument between western society and Pakistani society.
            Talk about what Islam says. if you don't know what Allah and His Rasool have said then go get some knowledge. Don't display your ignorance publicly.

            So if next time ahead tells you that she has to go LET HER GO OR'RITE?

          • apple green:
            Attending the sick is one thing and living with them is another thing...

            Nadia:
            and moreover your argument of right of daughter to look after parents comes when she had no brother... that's why couples in EVERY society in the world wants baby boys... but if the wife had all sisters then yes, she would have every right to look after their parents and of course, in that case the husbands would have seen the situation beforehand and should be ready to compromise... I am sure my sister has done everything in her capacity to look after her parents before her marriage and being a gentleman BROTHER and I won't allow her to prefer them over her family after marriage... Your argument about TRUE picture amazes me... marriages are of two types, love or arranged and in both types of marriages people get well acquainted before marriage... would you marry me spontaneously, if I proposed you here???

          • apple green:

            For your ocean of information about Islam...Hazoor (S.A.W) parents were not alive when he married... and Umma haat ul momaineen had that height of character, which today's muslim woman hasn' t got an iota of

          • Firstly I am a very happy married women with a kid alhumdullilah. And I gave my opinion nice and gently my opinion dostnt contain any so called argument if possible read my reply to this "Z" brother last year i was in the same boat just because my mother in law was nice to me nd loved me more then daughter in law and there no reason to tease someone opinion as we not looking for fight.

          • Nadia:
            your temperament is very obvious... You couldn't read in between the lines and jumped on to " I am a very happy married woman".... i won't say anything else... and yes, stay blessed in your married life

          • and I was neither taking it personal nor got hurt... my view is that you have a clear lack of respect for the other's opinions... don't give a color of Islam to whatever you believe... if she were to get frank with brother in law then it shows her character... We, then need to really wonder why guys want a wife of character.. and who knows whom she meets at the in-laws of the guy??

          • phew! seriously? I write one sensible comment and you write 3 incoherent replis in return. at its still ME who is 'bragging' ? though I envy your free time, I have to declare that I have lost my patience in trying to show you the truth.

            I talk about acknowledgment of both rights and duties and you talk about call girls in return.
            I talk about an authentic Hadith you refuse to accept it coz you obviously don't know.
            I ask you to produce a Hadith on the rights of In-laws you talk about rights of husbands.
            I talk about rights of a mother and you ask me to prove if she loved her kids or if she was dutiful to her husband.

            You know dude. take some omega 3 capsules and get a job coz I have loads of work to do and hence I'm off.

            But on the day of judgement when your wife will complain against you for not allowing her,her rights towards her parents or that she was denied her right to have her own space coz she was made to live like a free maid to your parents which was btw a zulm on her soul then don't say ''Allah, I didn't know.'' you won't escape then.

            You ego has taken the better of you and you choose to be wrong just so you could get some petty joy of winning here.so go ahead and post 3 some silly comment under mine with lots of hahahs and hehehes. bye funny man.

        • lol cut the sarcasm zafar. is that all you will hold on to now? I never said that behave like how Rasool Allah behaved with all his in-laws Lol. Although Haszrat AbuBakr (r.a) was and you must see how he treated him not simply coz he was a sahaba but also coz he was his beloved wife's father anyway but I said you must learn to be patient and loving and understanding and charitable like them. (the Prophet s.w.s and the sahabas )

          Go read it again. You are bound to get mixed up if you are going to make haste in replying to everyone at one time.

          • apple green:

            Attending the sick is one thing and living with them is another thing( I repeat)....

            For heaven's sake yar, you narrated a story of chemotherapy which had nothing to do with the guy's position, in this thread... ok, if that didn't belong to the main poster then it was a reply to any comment.. you had written words like 'stupid comments', 'tyrant' etc.. these are pretty offensive if not sarcastic...

          • Yeah can't read between lines properly.....

          • brother listen. no offence ok? I don't even know you so I'm not calling you a tyrant or stupid. its the ideology that is stupid and the people who abuse their position who are tyrants. 1st ly the lady who is suffering from cancer is my friend's mom and she was sobbing on the phone last night and wants to see me today so she can have my shoulder. so my outburst on a topic like this is natural. I also know of some women who have completely ignored their husbands and spend endless amount of time with their parents and siblings. if you are talking about such women then you are justified but lets be clear with what I meant to say.

            we as humans have rights and duties. your idea of allowing her to perform her duties has been almost clear in your comments up until now but what about rights? we are not just wasduty bound to them. we also have emotions and so do they. what about emotional needs? my mother would want to see me even if my help is not required. she might just want to spend time with me. If I live in the same town she might want to see me everyday and if my visit to her fits in my schedule then what's the harm. secondly you mentioned that is why people ask for baby boys. I'll tell you how worthless that dua is. Although there is nor harm in asking for a male child I'll give you an example. I know of a family with 7 boys who had no sister and their mother was proud of them all her life. She was terrible with her daughter-in-laws and taunted those with daughters. when she was old she was abandoned. she died in dirty public hospital in India with not one son by her side.2of her sons were doctors and amongst others were engineers and chartered accountants, NRIs and so on. they only made haste in one thing. her burial and I also know of a woman who was the only daughter of her mother but she stood by her dying mom. she bathed her when she vomited and changed her, gave her zamzam to drink, prompted the kalma of shahad and her mother died in.peace. so pray for a righteous child not a baby boy. that's where our society is twisted firstly.

            2nd ly you mention how Mashallah your sis took care of her mum and when she will get married you will take over the role. Good but in the process its ok for you to accept her services for your parents occasionally. like once In a while
            you can allow your sister to come over with the kids to be with your mum while
            you and your wife take a break. That way she will not only get the reward of
            serving her but also get the natural joy of being with her. lets not just fix our eyes on duties but also notice the emotional aspect, lets talk about rights too.

            now talking about the poster. This guy lives in Saudi Arabia. He can't take his wife with him. he has a father a mother a brother and a sis. he probably loves them to bits and even misses them. part of him wants to feel the joy of imagining his better half with them to fill his space. Nice but he has either ignored or is unaware of one problem here. His brother who is a non mehram to his wife. in his absence is it wise for him to expect her to spend months and yrs living in a house with a non mehram or even worse another bachelor? another point that he is forgetting that they are is HIS parents, not her's. She will not feel that attachment towards them as he does for them, even if they are good to her. At the most we can expect her to be courteous to them. if she is newly married and misses he r home, what motivation does she have to live with them, and God forbid if she and his brother got friendly in the duration or got attached to eachother, who is this brother going to blame then? He is talking like this coz he never heard of the Hadith of Rasool Allah that brother-in-law is like death. we Indians and Pakistanis have not taken the study of Islam seriously and blindly follow the Hindu culture and blindly assume that they are our morals and values.

            So plz forgive me if I have hurt you and try to understand how important it is to discard the old traditions that we are passionately trying to preserve. they are keeping us away from our faith and causing unnecessary complications in our lives.

          • brother-in-law is like death.. source plzzzz.... and I wasn't advocating this guy either.. but if she weren't to be easily mixed with the in-laws then why she married in the first place.. yes emotions, rights and etc. wouldn't it be nice if you had replaced duties with emotions as well... ? all your writing except these is pretty in line with what I believe and say.. so plz be clear about your thoughts... the guy married her and gave her the respect, he hasn't brought her as a call girl

          • and about that Indian woman... then of course she didn't fulfill her duties to her real family i.e. the children, daughter in laws and the husband

          • i never knew of omega 3... any ways on some research I thought they would have cured your depression... lolz.. bye

        • OMG ! you didn't know about this Hadith. its an authentic Hadith of Bukhari. The editors will quote it better for you. For the poster this argument is enough to shut the case as for you and me my writing does not have to be in line with your thinking coz you sound pretty confused anyway. As long as what I write is in line with Islam. myself and others would appreciate you if you got one Hadith that clearly mentions a duty of a daughter-in-law towards her parents in law. Just one. ok?

          And what is this '' replace emotions with duties''? like I said confused and hence confusing . I can see how excited you are to prove your point (whatever it is) but plz don't use terms like call girl and stuff. calm down orite ?

          And as for that Indian lady who died alone. she could be as bad as a witch but her sons still had duties towards her. You may not expect daughters-in-law to come forward but technically she loved her sons and even if she didn't love them or say even hated them it was their duty to serve her till her last breath. R u getting the
          difference? or you are still nodding your head in denial?

          • u r just bragging and bragging.... & on that hadith i will research and ask the learned... if u can't replace one word in an English sentence then you better learn to do it I can't teach you online.. if you are so concerned about the production of ahadith about wife's obedience towards her husband then there are many... and, on that, you, like many other female commentators on this blog would say they are not your slaves

          • and technically in love with sons.... hahhahaha... what is that?? how would you know that... hahahahaha..

          • and if they had the duty... it means they didn't fulfill that... so what ??? what's your point here?? if husband is not dutiful, how can the wife be???

          • Here you go,

            Narrated 'Uqba bin 'Amir: Allah's Apostle said, "Beware of entering upon the women." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about (Al humaw) the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself. (Sahih Bukhari)

            Imaam As-Suyooti said: “'The Brother-in-Law is death’ means: certainly fear from him is more than from others and the evil which occurs from him in privacy is more, due to his being able to gain access to the woman and be alone with her without it being disapproved of him, unlike the ajnabee (stranger). Even though, he is more deserving of being prohibited (from access) than the stranger!”

            Imaam Ibn Hajar Al Asqalaani said: “Seclusion with the Hamuw certainly brings about destruction of the deen (of a person) if a sin occurs or death if a evil occurs, (in which case) stoning becomes waajib (incumbent) [trans. here Ibn Hajr is referring to if they commit adultery together], or (it brings about) the destruction of a woman by being separated from her husband, when his protective jealousy [gheerah] leads him to divorcing her.”

            Imam Qurtubi said: His entering upon the wife of his brother resembles death in repulsiveness and mafsadah (cause of corruption & evil). Therefore, he (the Prophet, prayers and peace be upon him) has prohibited (it with a) clear prohibition. He (the Prophet [prayers and peace be upon him]) has emphasised the caution from that.

            He (described it as) death, due to the indulgence of people in it (openly) from (both) the husband's and wife's side, because it has become the norm…the Hamuw entering upon the women necessitates towards the death of her deen (religion), or to her death by means of her (husband) divorcing her, when he becomes jealous, or by her being stoned if she commits adultery with him.

            Imam Al-Nawawi said: "As for the Prophet’s (prayers and peace be upon him) statement ‘the brother-in-law is death’ then it means that apprehension from him is more than from other than him. And the evil which occurs from him and the fitnah (trial/temptation/discord) is more due to him being able to reach the woman and be alone with her,- without disapproval [being levied] upon him-, unlike the ajnabee (stranger)…

            Ibn Al Arabee said: "that it is a phrasing used in Arabic, like they say, ‘the lion is death’ i.e. meeting him is like death.

            Imam Al Baghawee said: “Al Hamuw: its plural is ‘Al Ahmaa’ and they are the brothers-in-law (including his cousins etc) from the husbands side, and the sister-in-laws (including her cousins etc) from the wife’s side… the Arabs say this phrase (i.e. something is death)... like they say, ‘the Sultan is fire'.

            The wording of this (hadeeth) means: certainly solitude with the Hamuw with her (the wife) is more severe than her solitude with any other stranger…it also means: have caution with the Hamuw as you would have caution from death.”

            Shaykh 'Uthaymeen said: “‘The Brother-in law is death’ are the gravest words of caution. It means, just as a person flees from death, it is incumbent that he (the husband) flees from (allowing) entrance of his relatives upon his wife and his family which aren’t mahram (to her). This shows the extreme reprimand of (allowing) relatives of the husband to enter the house of the husband, (which is more) serious than the entrance of strangers, because these people enter with the recognition that they are relatives, so no-one disapproves. And when they come to the door, seeking permission to enter, no-one denies them.”

        • The Quran explicitly states "CHILDREN have duties to their parents" - Allah in his Infinite Wisdom does NOT say "MALE CHILDREN" ... He says CHILDREN. The obvious meaning here is all children, male or female.

          Allah took into account the narrow-minded, culture-worshipping, TP's that the would walk around saying daughters don't have responsibilites to their parents. Afsoos ye hai ke ye "Islamic Republic of Pakistan" kehlata hai... lekin Islam k aik molecule bhi follow nahi kertay. Jo jo baat aap likh rahay hai women ke rights ke baaray mai yeh sab Hinduana culture hai. Hindu hain tau khulley aam accept kerain. Lekin please Islam ka naam keechar mai mat daalein.

          If you are interested in Islam and "western modern Islam" (if that even exists..) bothers u... then go online and look up Mufti Ismail Menk.. Maulana Tariq Jameel (he is Pakistani, not a huge fan though but u might like him).. Yasir Qadhi. Allah ka wasta hai...mohallay ke maulvi se apna Islam mat seekhain.

    • Brother Z,

      It sounds like you wanted the solution that you wanted and will search for it until you find it.

      Mostly East Indian/Pakistani families think of having their wife live with their family because it is a cultural practice, not a religious practice--and this practice doesn't seem to be doing a lot of good (not saying it isn't good at all--but it gets abused big time). What difference does it make to you whether she lives with her parents or yours? If your parents didn't reside in the same country as her parents, then would you have gotten a separate place for her or had her live with her parents while she waited for you?

      Your marital bond is most important. I do not understand why you want to limit her visits especially if she will join you later--she will not see much of her parents later anyways, so this time will prove to be good memories for her inshaAllah.

      When you do go and get more male perspectives - please do not be limited to only the Pakistani persepective. I have seen couples in their late 40s, with their children now just getting married, living in husband's parents house where the son doesn't own the house, hasn't flourished (and isn't allowed in a way) financially, and the daughter-in-law isn't even allowed to make a single decision because the in-laws do everything. Now her son is married and he is living with his new wife in the same house too! LOL They have 3 rooms and each FAMILY has a room. My point is, this notion of living with the in-laws is somewhat ridiculous and almost become an obsession. There are some postives, but I do not think they outweigh the negatives because of all the boundaries that get stepped on.

      Good luck and I hope that you and your wife can resolve this matter amicably and lovingly inshaAllah. Ameen.

  14. obedience does not mean that the husband has control over his wife it means that she only has
    alot of south asian men think that they can control women/oppress and treat them the way they wish but it is absolutely wrong for your to oppress and control your wife.

  15. assalamu alaikum,

    brother Z, you are confusing indian-pakistani-afghani culture with islam. sadly, according to the typical desi mentality "shaadi ke baad larki ka ghar uska sasural hai", which in my opinion, as ag51y said is BS.

    a wife's duties in islam are towards her husband, she does not have obligations towards her in-laws in your absence! 2 years is a long time and to expect her to stay with your family all the time, and only visit hers for 2-3 days as u mentioned doesnt sound right.

    the right thing in my opinion would be to ask her to divide her time between both the families, maybe one month here, one month there, couple weeks here, couple weeks there. that way she is in touch with both households.

    what is required of her in islam is to show kindness towards your family, and maintain good relations with them esp your parents, getting to know them more and spending quality time with them is something that you can encourage her to do. reducing the time she spends with her own family to a bare minimum and staying with yours for the most is not fardh upon her in islam.

    to command her to spend 90% of her time with your family WHILE YOU ARE AWAY is not in line with islam. although perfectly in line with the desi culture.

    that apart, i dont think she should have disobeyed u point blank and im amazed at her father's non-chalant attitude. the parents should be concerned that their daughter hasn't been in contact with her husband that long. not good for her marital life. as u said this has indeed turned into a war of egos. i sincerely pray to Allah to remove the hardness from ur hearts and bring u both together ameen. brother, if she hasnt taken the first steps, then u do inshallah, the reward is with Allah swt.

  16. Assalamu Aleikum wa rahmatullah. I saw this thread was old, but just ned to put in some info in case people with no knowledge concerning this issue read this.. Jazak Allah kheiran

    (For the sake of Allah I hope you worked everything out with your wife).

    1. The husband is obliged by Shariia to have a home to his wife, that is her own. Even if it would be just a room, bathroom and kitchen.
    2. You should not stay away from your wife that long and if You cannot afford to bring her she can very well stay with her parents.
    3. A wife has no obligations towards in-laws and definitely does not have to live with them.
    4. A wife must never be alone with her brother in-law.
    5. You must provide for her. That is something ALLAH SWT has order men!

    I hope every husband fear Allah and realise a wife is not a thing he bought away from her family. And of course a husband should never forbid his wife to visit her parents, would you like it the other way around? Islam came to put an end to all this cultural noncens and gave women a true status as both men and women are the same in front of Allah swt! Alhamdulillah! And women, do not ever give up the rights Islam gave U!

    http://islamqa.info/en/ref/7653
    http://islamqa.info/en/ref/102311

  17. Pls if u don't know ,don't say it.The wife is marriage n her parent have no right to come n take her from the husband home,n wife committed a big sin for not listening to her husband.even the husband is away ,since you are marriage u should stay at ur husband home.this is a Muslim way.A marriage woman is not there for only her husband but for the entire families especially the husband parents.Any second she spend at her parent home without her husband permission ,she just committing sin.Since the girl is now marriage her husband is her everything.If the girl want paradise she should follow n obey the husband in a Islamic way.Any step the girl takes without the husband permission is a sin for her and she should stay at the husband home n not her parents home since the husband families treat her well

    • Assalaamualaikam

      A woman is not a slave to anyone but Allah. She has rights as well as responsibilities, and should be treated with kindness and respect.

      When a woman marries, she has the right to accommodation of her own if she wishes, and the right to have her opinions be heard and respected. As far as I am aware, the idea that she must move in with her in-laws and serve them is more of a cultural practice than Islamic guidance.

      An oppressive approach to any relationship is unlikely to led to positive feelings on either side. Personally, I feel that it is better for people to look to the examples in our history and strive to treat each other with respect and compassion.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Woh, I fear for any girl who ends up with such a husband. May Allah save us all from such culturally confused men. The sad thing is, such men actually believe their views are from Islam.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • SisterZ,

        hahahaha... I am a TP... and you... typically westernized... then one should follow the west in marriages like having 5-10 is normal ( after divorces)... No children... Husband and wife should earn on their own... and what Muslim culture are you talking about?? woman in TP society gets the respect as well, which is missing in the so called 'muslim culture'... she gets the respect for giving respect, sincerity and love to her husband and family.. with family I mean children... sure she had had brothers, sisters and parents... but only a psycho husband would forbid his wife from visiting his in-law in once, twice or thrice a year.. Like visiting on Eids for a few days.. I was focused on the point that the guy desires to LIMIT his wife's visits to her parents and who knows he might have stopped her once and at another time he wouldn't have done so... so it all depends on compromises dear... and a respectable woman shouldn't have problems with such compromises... and comprises for the sake of whom... her husband and children?? only question is what are her priorities..

        • Lol...what are her priorities? Well if you are implying that her priority should be her husband, he ain't even living with her. Her priority are not her in-laws. Her priorities are her husband and her parents and family. Zafar, please start reading authentic books on Islam. If you want to live as a 'Pakistani', do so. But don't associate it with Islam.

          Pakistan is a mixture of many cultures. It has some good things. But sadly much of its cultures subjugates women and gives men authority to believe they are superior. People who are from such cultures, who lack in authentic Islamic knowledge, do not know the difference between the culture and Islam.

          Islam frees women, it reminds them that they are encourage to educate themselves, that they are an equal in the marriage, that they have rights, opinions. They are not slave to their husbands or to anyone else.

          After hearing your words, I can only again just strongly re-iterate my gratefulness to Allah for moving my father from Pakistan to the West. Alhumdulillah.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Islam asks women to remain within the corridors of home, so do you really accept that by living in the "Muslim World"... i would be very interested to hear from you

          • Zafar,

            I don't understand your question.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • If women never left the home, why would men be instructed to lower their gaze?

            Will you be taking your future wife to a female doctor by the way? Will you want your future daughters to learn from a female teacher?

  18. Salam

    You should of have not stopped her, but since you did she should of have obeyed you. But since she doesn't obey you, then you should of have given her permission to go. Plus you are their and she is all alone at your parents house, so maybe she wanted to live with her parents who she knew more and loved being with. But she should of stayed with your family and understood them and gave them time to understand her, and get along with each other. Talk to both sets of parents and see what is going. next time don't stop her since she doesn't listen. and be nice to her take her to saudi as soon as possible. ANNA

  19. Would be interested to know how this turned out. I think enough has already been said, but I will add my voice to those who think it is unreasonable to expect your wife to live with your parents while you are away. In my opinion, you should have, on your own, offered her the option of living with her own parents until you were reunited. To illustrate how this could work, I have a sister-in-law who has her own home but stays with her parents when her husband travels, which is frequently, even though her in-laws live downstairs. No one looks down on her or tells her to stay put. Everyone understands her desire to spend time with her own family while she has the opportunity to do so. When her husband comes back, she returns to her home and is fully available for him. I think it is unfortunate that you and your wife were unable to reach an understanding with each other on this point. I do not necessarily agree with her storming out of the house with her father in defiance of what you asked her to do, but things should not have escalated to this point in the first place. You asked for Islamic advice, and people have explained the following:

    1. It is better for a woman not to live under the same roof as a non-mehram male (in this case, your brother).

    2. A woman is entitled to her own accommodations after marriage (in other words, not with your family).

    Hopefully you guys have worked this out now and have started speaking to each other again.

  20. brother-in-law is like death.. source plzzzz....

    It was reported from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of
    Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of
    entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger
    of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?” he said: “The
    brother-in-law is death.” (Narrated
    by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172)

    Check islamqa.com and similar websites.

  21. @zafar

    hahhahahah is sooooo knew you would google that up.

    I Just came BACK for your funny response on the one lol. Im glad you at least took the pain to type it in search or else you would have written '' why should I wear 3 Omega watches in a capsule? how can I wear them if I put them in a capsule? what is your point.you just brag and brag..hahahahhahahah'''

    hahah lol ok. I gotto breathe.

    oh btw yes it has multiple benefits one of them is curing inflammation, healthy heart and for brainpower. I don't think you need to guess why I recommended it to you.
    Bye forever. lol 🙂

    • I got wary of commenting but you still put another reply... I thought you are doing it as a job... why the need to say forever by the way??

  22. Assalam-o-Alaikum I would like to know who is suppose to approach at night for their desires.A wife or a Husband if they are not in the same room or not on the same bed. Before their desires what a muslim wife duties and Husband's duties?

  23. Dear,
    you are in great problem but infact this is truth that time has changed now and today wives are not the same as you are looking (80's or 90's), main reason for initial problem and it may lead to divorce if not solved early.
    i am a psychiatrist and dealing with those cases from last five to six years, i have few questions from our society
    1- why ratio of divorced is 61% in Pakistan in first five years?
    2- why partners are failed to manage their understanding?
    3-why parents from both sides take the side of their own son/daughter without investigating, who is on mistake?
    4-what a boy want from a girl?
    5- what a girl desire from boy?
    6- many others which i cant ask here

    sorry but brutal fact of our society that both are just sexual partners to fulfill the needs but not the life partners.

    in your case you should need to come back to Pakistan once and take her into your confidence then advice her politely, if she refused then you may change your way from her as soon as possible because soon you will get in more trouble and may become the mental or heart patient.
    Live happy life either with her or single or with someone else but live happy.

  24. I know this is old, but it's lacking the perspective of someone who is unaffiliated with the Islamic religion.

    The problem here is that you "insisted" she stay with your family (her extended family).

    You do not "insist" as she is not your slave.

    You request her to do something, and if she does not feel comfortable accepting your request, you ask her why. Once you know the reason for how she is acting and how she is thinking you can come up with a solution that both of you find acceptable.

    A marriage is of two people who choose to come together and unite both of their families. She joins your family (while keeping her own family) and you join her family (while keeping your own family). Both of you should love, respect, and be there for your (both of you) combined family.

    Respect should be given freely until proven to not be deserved.

    As for expecting money after such an absence and lack of communication, I find that unreasonable.

    When my man needed money and we were apart I gladly gave. He did not ask as it was not his place. I chose to give of my own free will. If I am ever in need and he has money, it would be his choice whether to give.

    Do not expect from anyone something that you would not be willing to give to them. This includes patience, obedience, loyalty, money, and anything else.

    I am a Unitarian Universalist. I will obey my religion even if it means going against my man, my family, or my friends. You do not violate your beliefs, but you should respect those of others.

    Two people can read the same story and find different meaning. Neither are wrong, they just come to their conclusions after learning from different places and experiences..

    • "I know this is old, but it's lacking the perspective of someone who is unaffiliated with the Islamic religion."

      I wanted to address your remark above to point out that no where in Islam is a wife supposed to live with her in-laws. She is supposed to live with her husband--and in fact, she has the right to seperate dwelling in which she does not have to wear a hijaab in her house and would have her privacy.

      If a Muslim couple were in the same shoes as the OP, but not from same country of origin, this would not be dealt with in this way - in other words, this is a cultural problem, not an Islamic religion problem.

      As for finances, in Islam, a husband's duty is provide financially for his family within reason and/or his ability.

  25. No disrespect intended to the brothers and sisters here, but please do not comment on things you dont understand. The problem with todays society is that we read something of the internet and iterpret it according to our desires. The fact of the matter is unless you have sought the truth or knowledge from an individual with the right credentials such as a scholar, then please do not give your take on how you see things. Forgive me for any offence if i caused any. ALLAH SWT knows best.

    • The other problem (amongst many) is that we follow a bunch of cultural traditions that impact Muslims and non-Muslims in the same way (in this case the Indian subcontinent) and believe it to be our religion when it is nothing more than cultural desires.

  26. Just fed up with this chest beating crying cursing taunting women of Islam every where and when you give them equal rights let them wear whatever they want giving them 50% share in what ever property and assets you have earned then they start treating their men as dogs they need him only to guard the house a show piece husband to show every one yeah I have a husband, they take all decisions on their own all bcoz their husband is humble soft spoken person not smelly big mustached guy who beat her wife with sticks amazingly I found wives loving these kind of men more then those loving caring ones..

    • So essentially you are saying that smelly big moustached guys who beat their wives have loving wives--maybe your attitude is why you are struggling with love in your marriage, not because you don't have a moustache or because you smell good--hardly any of your words came across as humble, soft-spoken or caring.

  27. Just have a look at those replying on this thread and count how many are from men lecturing on how a woman should be and count those from women and see yourself which are more humble, you even don't agree with the editor although what ever he qouted was from Hadith.

  28. First of all, the wife has no obligation to serve the parents-in-law. The only obligation she has towards them is to be respectful and polite due to their age. If the husband is not around, then again, the wife has no obligation to live with his parents. Also, the Quran orders everyone (irrespective of males or females) to serve their parents (not inlaws, but their own parents). Quran supersedes any hadith any day. The husband is making a mistake by making the wife live without for a period of 2 years. What is the logic in that? Why make her live without him? She married him, not his family. My entire family lived in Saudi Arabia, so I know for a fact that it only takes a couple of months to process the documents. The husband cannot ask any thing out of Islam from his wife and then expect her to obey him. He cannot ask her not to meet her parents. And he also cannot ask her to live alone with her inlaws.
    To all the men who are giving advice to the contrary, please get a grip on yourselves! This is not 1800s! We women are now more aware of our rightful Islamic rights. Also, the husband cannot suspend her financial support. It is funny that he is so concerned about her not obeying him, but has no qualms about not performing his own duty towards his wife!

    • It depends what school of thought you follow, according to Hanafi school a husband does not have the right to stop his wife visiting her parents. I think by doing so the husband will lose respect from wife and in laws and will create many problems e.g. The wife will not want to be close to husbands family also
      This particular issue is more complex and requires a scholar to give the Islamic ruling, it's not just a yes or no answer as family members have rights that are given by Allah and must be respected or it leads to many problems

      The husband must also be very careful with regards to family ties as he may say he has a right to stop his wife visiting parents and family but he should not do so just because he can and it makes him feel superior as this is cruelty which is against Islamic teaching

  29. it maybe harsh what i say but divorce must be done and a better deserving wife must be sought, current circumstances is just too painful.

  30. Asalam alaykum brother. .. After a woman gets married, she has a right to have her own home, and is under no obligation to live with her in laws. The exception would be if there is a separate room with a bathroom, kitchen and sleeping area with a locked door that she is given that separate from the rest of the house. The husband also mentioned that he has a brother and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said that the brother-in-law is death...meaning that he is close family and is usually trusted with being alone with his brother's wife which is haram. The wife should stay with her family until her husband sends for her if he can't provide her with her own house at the moment. And Allah knows best.

  31. I am in quite same situation and was in final consultation phase. I married 6 months back and after 2 weeks my mother in law came and forcefully took her daughter to her home. We were very happy even my wife was living without any hassle with me. I multiple time asked at that moment what's the reason and conflict for taking my wife. She did not provided any single reason and I let her go as I thought we will later fix the misconception if any. During this situation, she insulted my family even my parents with no reason.

    My wife has no mobile number or any other communication channel since time now, owing to her mother restrictions. Not a single person is ready to communicate my messages to my wife and wife is also unable to send her messages. I never treated my wife as slave, I never even ordered for something and I always respected to her desires.

    I visited my in laws home twice for the reason and getting my wife back but they straight away refused my request. Now what is my fault here. what is fault of my wife? What should I do ? I have no idea what my wife wants now. They never demanded for divorce but I would also never give the divorce.

    What should I do ??

    Note: Please do not reply or suggest if you are not married (females and males) as I have studied above all comments, you cannot understand this type of situation. Thank you

    • I think you should lodge and FIR for abduction against these losers. If that doesn't resolve the problem then divorce is the only option. You should be glad that you have come to know the reality of these losers at an early stage.. very unlike me whose wife had conceived by the time her so called family had shown its colors. Now I am in three years of marriage and my life is hell and can't easily quit as I have a daughter to take care of.

      • I'm sorry for what you have faced, but please do not turn into a woman hating man. Here's some perspective from the opposite end of the spectrum: I am somebody who faced a lot of problems at my in-laws but never told my parents or complained to my husband. I kept my head down, was obedient and never talked back. The result was that they psychologically abused me and overworked me and ordered me about and put me under so much mental anguish after I had conceived that I ended up losing my baby...along with an unhealthy amount of weight. They didn't even let me recuperate afterwards at my parents and I had to go right back to work on day 3. Unbelievable, right? It is only when either party feels that the other has no way out that they show their true colors. I hope your wife and you become a strong unit irrespective od her parents or your parents...for the sake of Allah Subhana Wa Tala and your little one. I have finally involved my parents and some ulema, and am currently at my parent's house with no hope of any reconciliation or relief.

    • Try to get involved relatives of ur wife parents if they r nt letting u meet her. Fo this before lodging FIR

  32. U want her to seek forgiveness from you, repent and regret. Mind u she is your wife not ur slave. U r not in the country why should she live with ur parents and serve them and not live in her own parents house. Stop acting like an egolistical macho. Try to understand that wives are humans with emotions feelings and equal rights. She is someone you should love not boss around

  33. Assalamo alaikum.
    Although this post is quite old, and I hope that the OP has resolved his issue, it caught my eye a few weeks back when someone commented on it. I didn't get the time to comment before, but it kind of stuck in my mind and I'd like to put my two cents in.

    I would differ from the vast majority of comments in saying that the wife did right to spend more time at her parents. I agree that in Islam a woman is not bound to serve her in laws, and expecting a wife to wait on her in laws like a slave is a cultural norm, not a religious obligation at all.I also think that the OP was at fault for not having hammered out this issue with his wife before the nikah or rukhsati...it can get pretty awkward for a woman to live without her husband for two years..it would have been easier if he would have taken his wife with him straightaway. And yet.. when I read the post i thought the wife could have handled it better. If she really was taken well care of by her in laws, and given respect and love, it would have been a gesture of warmth and good will towards her husband and in laws if she would have reciprocated the feeling and have balanced the time between her parents and in laws more evenly, and tried to treat her in laws as family as well. It just seems to me a more mature way of dealing with the situation. So I don't think the OP was completely in the wrong to be angry.

  34. Bro, it is a simple case of abduction by her father. You can register a case against him and InshaAllah situation will be better after that

  35. I think you should speak to her.. May be there any misunderstanding and May be the girl pressurised by her mom.. As per Islam she should have obeyed and cannot take a step out side home without your consent.. Islam give priority to husband than parents but a male should allowed daughter to visit her parents.

  36. **until she repents and regrets** you are not God.............................. you are a proudy person and egoistic too people like you regret through out their lives because of their egos and superiority complex.

    people in saudia consider wives as slaves? you should have a discussion with her and the family in a polite way not bossy as you think you are** the boss**

  37. See these nd then tell islam is not fr feelings its to obey orders as Allah swt give 1 — Avoid angering your husband. The. Prophet PBUH mentioned that among the three that Allah does not accept their prayer are, “A wife who goes to sleep while her husband is angry with her.” [At-Tirmithi].

    2 — Avoid harming your husband in any way, “If a woman harms (in any way) her husband, then his wife in Paradise tells her: ‘Do not harm him, may Allah fight you, he is only staying temporarily with you. Soon he will come to us.‘ [Ahmad & At-Tirmithi].

    3 — Avoid being unappreciative or unthankful to your husband, “Allah does not look to the woman who does not appreciate her husband while she cannot stand his departing her.” [An-Nasaii].

    4 – Do not ask your husband for divorce for no reason. The Prophet PBUH warned women who ask for divorce for no sound reason in his Hadith, “Any woman who asks her husband for divorce for no reason will not smell the fragrance of Paradise. [Sahih Al-Jamii].

    5 — Do not obey your husband if he asks you to do prohibited matters, “Do not disobey the Creator to obey any human.”[Ahmad & Al-Hakim].

    6 — Avoid voluntary fasting without your husband’s permission, unless he is absent, “A woman does (must) not fast while her husband is present without his permission, except in Ramadhan.” [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]. This Hadith emphasizes the importance of the wife satisfying her husbands sexual needs. If the husband agrees, then the wife can do volunteer fasting, satisfied that she fulfilled her obligation towards ber husband.

    7 — It is a major sin to deny your husband sexual pleasure. The Prophet PBUH said, what translated means, “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses till he slept while angry, then the Angles will curse her till the morning.” [Muslim]. Muslim men have no other means to satisfy them but through Their wives. Therefore, the very essence of marriage will be destroyed if men are denied this right by their wives.

    8 – It is a major sin for husbands and wives to tell others what they do in bed. The Prophet described the ones who do that as, “A devil who meets a fe ale devil and has intercourse with her in public” [Ahmad].

    9 — The Prophet PBUH ordered every Muslim woman not to let anyone into their houses, “Unless he (her husband) gives her permission.” [Al-Bukhari].

    10 — Muslim women do not have the habit of going in and out of their houses without necessity. Allah SWT said, what translated means, “And stay in your houses” [33:33].

  38. my husband already have two sons from x wife, and now he dont want baby lie with me before marriage , what Molana tariq jameel says about this

  39. This is an old thread but I'll add in case others see this.

    I think of this in terms of rights and responsibilities and how one would answer on the day of judgement. When the guy married the girl he became her guardian or "Wali". He told her previous guardian, her father, that he will take care of her from now on.

    But the problem is that he can't be the Wali because he's not living with her. He sees her for a small part of the year, the rest of that time she is with her in-laws and they are not her Wali.

    So this guy really just removed her existing Wali and now isn't fulfilling his job. In fact he's asking the girl to stay with her in-laws for two more years. Her previous Wali, her father, came in and took the girl. If the guy cannot do his job, let the girl's father be the Wali of the girl again until the guy can.

    I don't think it's a good idea to not be present and act as her Wali and prevent her previous Wali to offer her protection but make her service one's own parents and relatives. Let her go to her own home and be under her father's care, move her and provide for her where you are, or divorce and give up being her Wali. Why hold her in limbo for two more years? Why not marry her later if this was going to be the case?

  40. Its because of men like you I dont want to get married. You are worst part of your wifes life let me tell you. She can choose to live whereever she wanta to IF YOU DONT KEEP HER WITH YOU. i am sure your family has a big part in it. If they dont she still has the right to make her own decisions when you arent with her. Almost 5 years in nikkah and no paperwork done ro take her to saudi arab. Oh please do you think we all are fools?? You dont intend to take her at all. plus you have to give her money you are oblidged to! Werid right?? You men never imagined you are oblidged to stuff too. Dont favour your family. Pakistani in laws are the worst thing ever possible. Their taunts and disgusting ways. You need to ask her her issue stop making foolish judgments. Men like you shouldnt get married caus wyou cant handle a family.

  41. assalamualaikum i moved out from my inlaws house when i found my mother in law was creating issues between me and my husband and asi have 5 brother inlaws with whom i cant stay under one roof as they are ghair mahram but still people did not understand my perspective and told i am breaking family and all sort of wrong things but i took my stand and moved out and explained my husband how i feel and i respect my inlaws and i always tell my husband to take care of his parents and not hurt them but as i am not comfortable in hs family as my mother in law misunderstands me and start fighting with me even if i close my room door etc it was really pain ful days for me but alhamdulillah my husband agreed and we are leaving separately but visit inlaws once a month ,

    no matter what husband can't force wife to stay with inlaws ever women want her own shelter were she feels safe and happy to move around , why few people dont understand this never limit there life and lay rules according to other people needs she has all rights to ask you seperate house .

    jazakallahukhair

  42. Respected brother,
    I feel the fault oa on both sides, but you were the first to start the issue
    She should have obeyed your decision of not going to her parents for too long when u weren't allowing
    However, you did the more wronger thing
    You should have tried youe best to take her with you to saudia at the time of marriage, as u yourself siad that nikkah was 4 yrs before, she would have gotten the visa easily. I know personally friends who got married and flew to saudia with their husbands, u had 4 years! My friend had only 6 months,even than her husband took her with him.If it wasnt possible for u to take her, u should have waited for the rukhsati,and delayed it till her papers got ready.
    Even if all this wasnt possible, and after all the options she was to stay in pakistan, u shouldnt have objected on going to her parents home.
    She got married to YOU not your parents or siblings. Respected brother, i accept that your parents treat her very nicely, but still, your wife left everything for only YOU. a married lady myself, with very loving in-laws, i always want my husband beside me. I feel that it is a woman's right to stay with her husband bcoz she left everything behind her only bcoz of that man she loves, her husband. She left her friends, her room, her belongings, her way of life, her freedom, nd most off all her family, parents and siblings!
    Dear brother, your wife left her parents, the ones whom she loved alot, the ones with whom she was living ever since she opened her eyes!!it isnt easy for a girl to do all this. After all these sacrifices hse does need a reward, she needs to be with the one for whom she left everything. Plus, if u are living in saudia, for job, leaving your parents alone,y do u feel that she should be living with them, they are your parenta first, and hers afterwards.
    I hkpe u will understand, and try bringing her to saudia as soon as possible

  43. Respected brothers and Sisters read bellow authentic explanation about rights of family(Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Munajjid )

    Islam Question and Answer
    General Supervisor: Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Munajjid

    Sat 25 Shw 1437 - 30 July 2016

    - Fiqh of the family » Rights of spouses

    87834: If he forbids her to visit her family, should she obey him?

    Is it permissible to obey one’s husband if he does not want his wife to visit her family?.

    Published Date: 2007-04-09

    Praise be to Allaah.

    It is not permissible for a woman to go out of her husband’s house without his permission, even if that is to visit her parents, but he should give her permission, so that she will be able to uphold her ties of kinship. But if he forbids her then she must obey him, and he has no right to prevent her parents from visiting her or speaking to her.

    The fuqaha’ differed concerning this issue, but what we have mentioned is the most correct view.

    The Hanafis and Maalikis are of the view that he does not have the right to prevent her from visiting her parents.

    The Shaafa’is and Hanbalis are of the view that he does have the right to prevent her, and she must obey him and not go out to visit them without his permission, but he does not have the right to prevent her from speaking to them or to prevent them visiting her, unless he fears that some harm may result from their visit, in which case he may prevent it so as to ward off harm.

    Ibn Nujaym (Hanafi) said: If her father is chronically ill, for example, and he needs her to serve him, and the husband prevents her from looking after him, then she should disobey him, whether the father is a Muslim or a kaafir. This is what it says in Fath al-Qadeer. From what we have mentioned it may be understood that she may go out to visit her parents and mahrams, and according to the correct view she may go out to visit her parents once a week with or without his permission, and to visit her mahrams once a year with or without his permission. End quote from al-Bahr al-Raa’iq (4/212).

    It says in al-Taaj wa’l-Ikleel ‘ala Matn Khaleel (Maaliki) (5/549): In al-‘Utbiyyah it says: The man does not have the right to prevent his wife from going out to her father’s or brother’s house, and this is the ruling that should be issued concerning that, unlike Ibn Habeeb. Ibn Rushd said: This difference of opinion only concerns a young woman who is trustworthy; as for the old woman, there is no dispute that she may visit her father and brother. And as for a young woman who is not trustworthy, she should not be allowed to go out. End quote.

    The “old woman” is one who is elderly and for whom men feel no desire. Al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah (29/294).

    Ibn Hajar al-Makki (Shaafa’i) said: If a woman needs to go out to visit her father or to use the public baths, she should go out with her husband’s permission, not showing her adornments, wearing a wrapper and scruffy clothes, lowering her gaze when walking in the street and not looking right or left, otherwise she will be sinning. End quote from al-Zawaajir ‘an Iqtiraaf al-Kabaa’ir (2/78).

    It says in Asna al-Mataalib (Shaafa’i) (3/239): The husband has the right to prevent his wife from visiting her parents (when they are sick) and attending their funerals and the funeral of her child, but it is better not to do that. End quote.

    Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning a woman who has a husband and a sick mother: Obeying her husband is more obligatory for her than her mother, unless he gives her permission. End quote from Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat (3/47).

    It says in al-Insaaf (Hanbali) (8/362): She does not have to obey parents about leaving her husband or visiting them and so on, rather obedience to her husband takes precedence.

    The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked: What is the ruling on a woman going out of her husband’s house without his permission, and staying in her father’s house without her husband’s permission, and preferring to obey her father rather than her husband?

    Answer: It is not permissible for a woman to go out of her husband’s house without his permission, whether to go to her parents or elsewhere, because that has to do with his rights over her, unless there is a shar’i reason that compels her to go out. End quote from Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (19/165).

    Another indication that it is essential to have the husband’s permission to visit one's parents is the report narrated in al-Saheehayn about the story of the slander (al-ifk), in which ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): Will you give me permission to go to my parents?

    Al-Bukhaari (4141) and Muslim (2770).

    Al-‘Iraaqi said in Tarh al-Tathreeb (8/58): Her saying “Will you give me permission to go to my parents?” indicates that the wife should not go to her parents’ house except with her husband’s permission, unlike her going out to relieve herself which does not require his permission, as happened in this hadeeth. End quote.

    Nevertheless, it is better for the husband to allow his wife to visit her parents and mahrams, and not to prevent her from doing that unless some harm will result from visiting any of them, because his preventing her entails the severing of family ties, and his refusing her permission may make her go against him, and because visiting her family and relatives will make her and her children happy, and that will benefit the husband and the family.

    And Allaah knows best.

    Islam Q&A

  44. I agree with u she has done wrong after getting married ur husband home is ur real home.

    • Excuse me!!! husband home is the home owned by husband and he must be present there in case other people are living in there ... husband's family members are namuhram

  45. i would like to say to this man who has posted this story and asking if he is doing right...

    ***(comment deleted by Editor)***

    • ufs2008, if you want to continue posting on this website then you'd better learn to moderate your tone and language. We do not allow abusive and insulting comments.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  46. here, i think what both husband and wife has done is wrong. you shouldn't force her to stay in your house. According to islam, there is no such law that she needs to take care of husbands family. still if she is doing it, its considered as an act of kindness! your in laws has no right on your wife!
    And also, your wife is not permitted to disobey you. If her husband says to stay home, she should. But since there is no such reasonable reason for you to force your wife.. i think you should talk to her and provide her money and accommodation. its such a shame that her father is taking care of her even after the marriage.

  47. You did absolutely wrong. Your brother is non-mehram to her so she technically can't stay in her in laws. Secondly Islam only gives permission to live with her husband. Since you aren't staying in that home, you can't force her to stay at a place where you yourself don't live. Read this hadith

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the husband’s relatives who are not mahrams to the wife entering upon (living with) her. It was reported from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-laws?” he said: “The in-law is death.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172).

    In light of this hadith, Al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

    If a husband wants to make her live with a co-wife or her in-laws, such as his mother or sister or daughter from another marriage or another relative, and she refuses to accept that, then he has to provide her with accommodation of her own. (Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23)

  48. U should have a big heart, u should not have rejected her. If u married her, y should trust her. She is with her family, not meeting another guy. Don't u think that u r too petty?

  49. such shameful replies from my fellow sisters in islam . extremely shameful indeed . no help no proper guidence with proper refrence in the light of quran and sunnah provided to my muslim brother .everyone debating on poor cruel unislamic culture . not a single word on how he should deal with the satuation

Leave a Response