Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Controlling and abusive boyfriend ruined my life!

pain heart ache


Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for taking their precious time to help me. Please do not judge me after what I am going to write as I am very ashamed of my actions and sincerely regret for my wrongdoing. In addition, I have no one to discuss this problem with so my last resort after Allah SBT is my Muslim Ummah. Therefore, please help me as I am in desperate need! Also, I do warn you all in advance that my post will be rather long, but please do read it! I don’t know what to do, I feel like killing myself!

I am 25 year old Muslim woman raised and brought up in the UK. Recently, I have undergone a huge test put forth from Allah. I thought I had my life straight. My main problem is that I fell for a cruel & selfish guy. Initially, he showed me a lot of affection and care. I felt so swept away from all the love and attention he was giving me that I fell deeper and deeper for this guy. Till today I don’t understand completely how could I have gotten so swept away? We began going physical and slowly one thing led to another and soon enough, he took my virginity. Initially, he would begin going physical with me and would then in the heated moment claim he wanted to have sex but I would always refuse, but one day I couldn’t resist the temptation and had sex with him. I however did not bleed.

I cannot believe that I would ever commit such a heinous act because I only wanted to do all this with my husband. I now regret it with all my heart and soul and if only I had the chance to go back in the past, I would never even talk to this evil human being. I am also extremely ashamed and regretful to say that we would also have oral sex. After this incident took place, he slowly began changing.  He would meet me everyday but at night go out with his friends and hang out till late hours (sometimes till 4-5 am). He started becoming controlling and paranoid, although some signs were evident from day 1 but I disregarded them thinking it was his "love" and "care”.  I had also caught him doing cocaine and watching porn behind my back and he promised he would never do it again but I knew deep down he was still doing it.  He also had a problem with the way I dress and I was not allowed to talk to any guy, not even a simple hi or hello at work (that would cause a huge fight between us).

He began isolating me from my family. I was not allowed to interact with my male cousins even if they were older than me and married with children. He hated my siblings because they didn’t like him at all and would always warn me and tell me to end the relationship because they could sense that this guy was evil and a user. Any time we would be outside, he would accuse me at looking at other guys when Allah knows that I never did any such thing.  He would check my phone at times and question me all the time who I would talk to on the phone, what time I slept, what I did when I wasn’t outside with him, etc. I would feel extremely smothered by his controlling and possessive behaviour. I was supposed to text him every night before I went to bed and if I wouldn’t he would interrogate me the next morning which would lead to a huge fight.

In addition, if he was outside with his friends at night, he would NEVER attend my calls and would text back after ages. Also, many times he would switch his phone off so I wouldn’t be able to reach him. He would neglect me, ignore me, although we would meet everyday but he would basically try to control and dominate me in every aspect. If I would refuse to follow one of his irrational commands, he would punish me by ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment. I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells! I was scared of him, terrified because he was always suspicious and never trusted me.

Slowly, verbal abuse began. He began swearing at me when we fought and used demeaning gestures towards me. When we would fight, it would usually be in the car and he would not let me leave and would keep taunting me and accusing me of things. One day I got extremely frustrated and just wanted to leave but he wouldn’t let me go and I slapped him and told him to back off. From that day onwards, our relationship started getting physically abusive. He does Taekwondo and he has kicked me so hard that my vision has gone faint and blurry, threw coffee on my face,  put me in a head lock, smashed my face on the refrigerator, and I would also hit him or myself back when I couldn’t bear the torture anymore. Once he treated me so bad that I started pulling out my hair because I couldn’t take his taunts anymore. I knew I wasn’t supposed to hit him so I became helpless and began hitting myself instead. I can say this man brought out the WORST in me and I felt like I was going psycho. I never thought I would lay my hands on another person! I still have marks on my hands and arms from the abuse he put me through. Mind you, I am a petite girl who weighs 115 pounds and he is 6'4" feet tall and weighs approx 245 pounds.

I have also dropped a year out of university due to the mental stress he has put me through and lost a lot of money as they did not refund my full fees for the year. The list can go on and on but these are many of the unbearable things he put me through. And the biggest blow he gave me was that he suspected I was not a virgin because I did not bleed so he asked me to prove it by swearing to Allah that I would be cursed if I was lying. I did exactly that, but he still did not believe me.

Eventually, my father found out about him and he got all the elders involved. They all came over to my place, gave me an ultimatum and said you have 2 options: 1) End this relationship (which is what they all stressed but saw that I kept retaliating and saying no & this was only because I had lost my virginity to him and could not imagine moving on) or 2) Tell him to get his family involved and make it official (if possible, even nikah). When I told him of my family's conditions, he dumped me and left from my life.

I couldn’t believe what had just happened. This guy had sex with me, did oral with me, slept with me, did all the things a man does with his wife, but dumped me when my family wanted to make it official? I wept and wept, I didn’t step out of my house for 2 weeks. I couldn’t eat or do anything. I wanted to kill myself right then and there and still do sometimes. Only my Allah knows how I spent all these nights weeping till my pillow gets wet with my tears. I feel regret, anger, resentment and hatred for him and for myself. I thought I was better than that and I never thought I would let someone torture and use me like this. But every time I wanted to leave, Icouldn’t gather the strength knowing to what extent this relation had went.

I told myself that this is now my destiny, that I must live this life; little did I know that this guy would throw me like trash when it would come time to commit. I would have left long back if I knew he would do this to me: that my virginity and respect had no value in this person’s eyes. Even though he took Allah’s name that he would never leave me after I lost my virginity, he still did. He didn’t think once what state he has left me in.

Also, after leaving me, my parents went to his house without telling me and told his parents to tell him to stop contacting me or else they'd take legal action against him. He then called my uncle and took revenge from me (even though I had no knowledge that they went to his house!) by talking enough crap about me causing a huge family fight in my household. He also told my uncle that tell her to never contact me and that I never want to see her face again. Since that day, I have never contacted him and nor has he.

I am extremely depressed and weep every day. This person literally ruined my life in every aspect. I nearly lost my friends because I would ignore them when I was with him because he did not like me talking to them when it was "his" time. I lost a year of my education. I lost my virginity. I got used and abused. A lot of my family members are angry at me because I ignored them and fought with them for him. My parents lost so much money due to this guy (i.e.: education money loss). I feel like such a LOSER. I was such a strong willed and independent person who was doing so well in school and he just ruined it all for me. Will Allah ever punish him? I want him to go through HELL because of the amount of torture he put my family & I through. I want him to suffer also. Please tell me will Allah ever punish him or will he be forgiven for doing all this injustice to me. I cannot imagine knowing that this person stays "happily ever after" after destroying my life. And I will never know if he’s suffering as we have cut off all contact with this person. How will I ever know that Allah has punished him for what he has done to me? What will I tell my future husband about my virginity? I feel I can never get married now. I just want to kill myself when I think about all this! Please help me!

- Leila

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70 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Sahar.

    I am sorry for the difficulties you have faced.

    First and foremost, PLEASE dont ever consider suicide. It will only cause you eternal suffering. This trial that you are undergoing will pass. With every difficulty there is ease. You cannot see it now due to your pain, but you will move on and you have so much to live for.

    Sister, I will be blunt, I am sorry - I am not judging you . You did lose a precious thing, but your main concern should not be that he left you or what you lost - it should be that you committed a sin and disobeyed Allah swt. Im telling you this as its REALLY important to acknowledge that this is a sin, so you can sincerely repent.
    "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa # 17 ayah # 32)

    The conditions for repentance are well known:

    1. Leaving the sin;
    2. Remorse over having committed the sin;
    3. Resolve never to return to the sin;
    (If it relates to the rights of another person, then to) Return the rights or property one wrongly took. [al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa; Riyad al-Salihin]

    If these conditions are truly met, then one can expect one's sins to be forgiven. However, one has to be very careful about how sincere one is in fulfilling one's conditions. It is recommended to seek forgiveness a lot, and to repent every time the sin comes to one's mind.
    (from islam awareness)

    Feeling guilty is not enough, you need to also seek Allahs forgiveness.

    So my dear sister, sincerely repent. Remember that Allah swt is the Most Merciful and He will forgive you. If you walk towards Him, He will run towards you. Please don't despair. You are human and you made a mistake out of weakness.

    "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."

    Remember that Allah loves you and wants you to be successful. He could have kept you in this haraam relationship. How many people have been taken while they are in haraam relationships and engaging in sin? These people aren't given second chances. You have been given one, alhumdulilah. You have an opportunity for a fresh start. Think of it this way. Allah has selected you, specially to give you another chance. He loves you that much!

    This is in reality, a blessing. It will make you stronger InshaAllah. The past is gone my dear sister, and InshaAllah the future is bright. Its completely normal for you to be feeling used and heartbroken, but you musn't wallow in it. Accept it will take time to move on, but know that you will.

    You have 2 options my dear sister:
    1) Grab this opportunity and vow to stay away from these sins. Endeavour to get closer to Allah and mend your ways
    2) Wallow in your grief and concern yourself with whether he is suffering.

    I urge you to get close to your deen. Make the beautiful flower of changing for good come out of the mud of this situation (sorry I never have been good at similies, but you gotta hand it to me for trying). Seriously though. I have been through an extremely difficult time once in my life. I too thought of suicide, but I realised that I had no choice but to wallow or change. And I tried to amend myself and get closer to Allah. I am a very long way off where I should be, but alhumdulilah I am HAPPY. Despite losing the things I thought I couldnt live without.

    The truth is dear sister, you cant rely on anyone 100%. Only Allah is always there for us.

    -Make sincere tawbah
    -Start praying if you dont already. If you are struggling, start with 2 or 3 fardh salat a day and build up.
    -Try to read Qur'an in Arabic and/or with translation.
    -Do night prayers in the last 3rd of the night (before fajr). These are very useful for strengthening a person and Allah is in the lowest heaven before fajr. Even just 2 rakat before fajr will make you much stronger InshaAllah. Reading Qur'an at this time is best as well.
    -Cry to Allah, make dua and ask Him to help you improve, move on and stay away from such sins in future. Ask of Him from whats in your heart (only ask for good - dont ask for anything bad for anyone including the guy)
    - Try to go to halakas/mosque and meet other nice muslim sisters.

    Other tips
    - Keep busy as you can
    - Maybe volunteer/get involved in a project (I decorated my room and learnt a language)
    - Broaden your horizons - maybe look for a new (halal) hobby
    - Keep away from guys - casual chatting and getting to know is not allowed islamically - you know the reasons so keep things within islamic boundaries with guys.
    - Maybe if you can approach your parents or your friends -only if it is appropriate - you could apologise for all the difficulty you have caused them. If you can't then make dua for them, this way you will not owe them so much for the trouble your relationship has caused.

    This is your new start. This is about YOU and your Creator, and your journey to better yourself. You will heal InshaAllah. So divert any thoughts of revenge - keep your mind busy and pray.

  2. assalamu alaykum do not worry Allah is the forgiver..... and from what i read you began this relationship in foolishness.... and only now you realise whats right..... Allah accepts ONLY the repentance of those who do evil IN IGNORANCE AND FOOLISHNESS and repent SOON afterwards; it is they to whom Allah will forgive and Allah is Ever All Knower, All Wise. And of no effect is the repentance of those who continue to do evil deeds until death faces one of them and he says: “Now I repent;” NOR of those WHO DIE while they are disbelievers. For them We have prepared a painful torment. S. 4:17-18 Verse 286: Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maula (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people.

    • dear sister you are not alone there are many others in the same situation as you.... do not loose hope! in time you will forget about him 2 years 5 years but i promise you in time your wounds will heal.... that man well o my gush so damn selfish he is but do you think Allah does not hear you when you weep? Allah loves you my dear sister he loves you more then anyone loves u! Allah says in the quraan 2:155: "Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.."
      2:216: "...and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know (what is good for you)" SO ALHMDLH ALLAH SAVED YOU FROM THIS BAD MAN what if something more bad cud have happened? Allah loves you he tested you its upto you now to choose the path of righteousness.... THAT GUY WILL GET WHATS COMING TO HIM SOONER OR LATER BUT I PROMISE HE WILL PAY FOR THE DAMAGE HE CAUSES

      • As salamu alaykum hanniyyya,

        It is not a good way to heal to expect that the one that has caused the damage, suffer, that is going to bring darkness to the Heart. You are expecting that someone goes through the same struggles you are going through, you will feed thoughts and hopes of darkness around that person and that will attract even more damage to you, because you are feeding thoughts of darkness inside of yourself.

        Heal yourself bring Light, Forgiveness and Peace to your Life choosing the Straight Path.

        Why don´t we let the One to do what He does and we learn through our bad moments what we have to learn, we learn to Forgive and to Love ourselves enough not to put us in such situations, and mainly to love Our Lord more than we love ourselves to respect the boundaries we have.

        Allah(swt) knows best.

        All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

        María Editor

        • maria with n doubt your right.... but let your father kill your mother then come and tell me that then i will agree with you.... right now i feel if you have wronged someone you need to pay for it in the same way an eye for an eye

          • As salamu alaykum, haniyya.

            Thank you very much for oppening your Heart and sharing so much Love with your comments, I am really sorry to listen to what happened to you, I acknowledge your suffering and your right to think this way, I am not going to judge you, I respect you and your choices in life, I haven´t been where you are, but quite close ...if you choose to keep revenge as a source of releasing your pain, I do respect it, I did it too, that is why I talked this way, I know the darkness of an eye for an eye, I am not talking like that because I am perfect, I am full of imperfections, but Alhamdulillah, Allah(swt) gave me the tools to forgive me and others and to see how the cloud of darkness I had in my Heart due to my thoughts was affecting my life and the life of my loved ones, I talked to you through experience, not because I read it somewhere, or because it sounds right, I have that in my blood feeding my bones and my flesh, that is why I alloud myself to talk this way,....Alhamdulillah

            The day you will agree with me will be the day you alloud yourself to go to Allah(swt) to look for Forgiveness for not being able to forgive, ....take your time, Allah(swt) is waiting for us always, when the time is right you will be back to Light, insha´Allah.

            All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,


  3. As salamu alaykum Sahar,

    Thank you for sharing.

    Revenge is not the path to ease your pain. Revenge is a dark path full of obstacles and bleeding wounds, You don´t want that in your Life anymore. The way to get out of that is Forgiveness to yourself and to him, ask Allah(swt) to help you to forgive.

    Once you learn to Love and Respect yourself, yes, you will marry insha´Allah, and you will tell your future proprosal you are not virgin, and yes, you will make sure that is not going to make you or your husband and your family miserable the rest of your life. The way to get this is surrendering to Allah(swt), soften your Heart till all the space is full with the Presence of Our Lord, insha´Allah.

    You cannot undo what is done, what you can do is to repent sincerely to Allah(swt) and fill yourself of Light, you are a young, strong willed and intelligent woman, go ahead and move to the Straight Path. Do your five salat, pray duas for recovering and surrender to Allah(swt). And do your best to go out of that misery, you are condemning all your family to suffer with you, then instead of thinking about killing, that will bring a dark cloud on everyone included you for ever, do your best to move forward and be the woman you are called to be.

    Think about yourself and think about all the people that loves you ( I can see all the family around you, even being annoyed, they maybe not find other way of showing you how important you are to them) Don´t think about the money or the past, think about the NOW and to get out of that hole you are in, I give you my hand and if you want hold me as tight as you can, I can feel your rage, now go ahead to Allah(swt) do gushl consciously, pray, and ask Allah(swt) to bring Light to all the darkness that is in and out, alloud yourself to go to Him, go crawling and He will walk to you, go walking and He will go running to you.

    You have a Life to live, insha´Allah. You have a career to finish, insha´Allah. You have a present and a future family to enjoy, insha´Allah. You have many people to help, to know, to teach, to support, to hold, to love, to forgive, to learn from, to talk, to be with, to respect, ....... and anything else you can think of. You have to laugh, cry, learn, teach, love, forgive, respect, everything. insha´Allah.

    From now on you have the task to be here and now in your life, your Life is a gift given by Allah(swt), honour your Life and honour the One that has given you, your life. You can do it, insha´Allah.

    Go to what is important in your Life and move on, you have a family that loves you, if you need professional counselling tell them, they want the best for you, Alhamdulillah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  4. Salam,
    thank you so much for your replies. It's been almost 2 months since this incident has happened but I feel like it just happened yesterday. Alhumdulillah I have begun offering salat. Sometimes, during the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and feel very upset, I offer tahajud namaz. But I just cant get past the revenge stage. I know this is harming me and I can feel it eating me inside because I keep thinking about him. In fact I think about him every day. I just can't seem to forget him. What we went through is a huge thing for me, I dont know how to forget everything. I was genuine and sincere, he wasnt. It might sound crazy but a part of me still loves him and misses him. I dont know why. I feel so ashamed of myself...

    I know you all want me to forgive and move on but how can I forgive someone who doesn't even acknowledge that they have done anything wrong? How do I forgive someone who wanted my bad? I am too scared to mention other things here that he has done to me to damage my life as my family might read this and figure out that it is me who wrote in for help and that I am no longer a virgin, but there is a lot more he did to me to hurt me. And he never apologized for anything! Instead he said all these lies to my elder brother before he left from our lives. Another Helpersister and Maria, how do I forgive such a person? I cant seem to find it in me to forgive him. But sometimes I think that I committed the evil act of fornication with him so what do I do then? But then I think I know I did something wrong but I regret it, I feel so much guilt that I see no hope for the future. I feel so ashamed of myself, sometimes I dont even want to look at myself in the mirror. But this person never felt guilty. He didnt have the intention to marry me because if he did, he would never ditch me like he did. I took a stand for him, he just left me when I asked him to take a stand for me. He never even apologized for anything! Instead he accused me of so many things I have never done! How can I forgive him after all this?

    He even told me in the past when we would fight and would almost break up that the next girl I am with I will make sure she does not have these qualities. He was already thinking about future relationships with other girls when breaking up with me. That shows me he does not even feel ashamed for doing haram with me. I just dont know how to forgive someone who doesnt realize they have done something wrong. Even when I offer salat and when I make duaa, my heart automatically says, "Ya Allah I cannot forgive him. I just cant, I want him to come back to me and ask me back and then I will throw him away like he threw me away. I want him to feel the pain he put me through". I have never hated and loved someone like this before. I cant explain what I am feeling right now. As I type this I am crying because everything he did with me is coming back to me. I will try though to forgive him but I dont think I ever can.

    Also, sister I have realized my sin and trust me I will never ever make this mistake again. If I want to be truly forgiven then I cannot go back to the sin again, that means I havent realized my mistake. And sister Maria, you say that I should tell my potential partner that I am no longer a virgin but I have read a lot of posts on this forum that suggest that once a person has repented they should conceal their sins? I also want to conceal this sin of mine because Allah knows how badly I regret doing this act. I have promised myself I will never like a guy again unless my parents choose him for me or if a guy proposes to me, I will tell him directly to approach myself but I will never 'date' again. But I dont want to tell my future husband of this. It's my past and I regret it I dont want it to interefere with my future because I regret it and will NEVER do it again, inshAllah!

    • Sorry I meant to say: I have promised myself I will never like a guy again unless my parents choose him for me or if a guy proposes to me, I will tell him directly to approach my FAMILY but I will never 'date' again.

      • its normal you are human you cant just change the way you feel a soon as possible things take time everybody has a big mouth but let them experiance wat u have they wud feel the same way....nothing wrong with revenge ..... Allah says [5.45] And We PRESCRIBED to them in it that life is for life, and eye for eye, and nose for nose, and ear for ear, and tooth for tooth, and (that there is) reprisal in wounds; but he who foregoes it, it shall be an expiation for him; another one..... “If you punish, then punish with the like of that wherewith you were afflicted. But if you endure patiently, indeed it is better for the patient. Endure you patiently. Your patience is not except through the help of Allah.”Qur’an (16:126-127) “The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.”Qur’an ( 42:40) forgiveness is better then revenge but there is nothing wrong with revenge..... its not that easy to fall out of love it could take ten years or more to forget that love you dont love him you love the person u thought he was and the person you wanted him to be and this love will never fade till you find a love more stronger... its a whole fantasy mixed with reality thing.... something some of us dont understand is SOME PPL JUST WONT AND CANT CHANGE COZ THEY DONT WANA so if he is like that only ALLAH can guide him if Allah wills not you not anybody..... dear he has to get ooold someday he will have to die eventually obviously he wont forget you and will regret someday he too is human he might act all tough but he thinks at night dear.... his mind mayb immatured now but later i promise you he will remember ..... now it seems ubtrue give it 5 yrs you will understand your situation honestly im a person who wud forgive but just cant forget so if someone does me wrong i say o ALLAH i forgive him but i cannot forget so pls make him feel wat i have felt wen he had wrong me and make him realise his mistake and alot in my life ppl who have wronged me got wat came to them real bad and u knw wat i feel better

        • As salamu alaykum Sahar 22,

          Alhamdulillah! So good to know about you, to think about revenge is a part of the process of healing as our sister hanniyyya mentioned, you will go over it, insha´Allah.

          I will try to explain something to you about it, it is normal all your suffering, you are in the process of healing, and you are right we don´t have the power to forgive and go above this situation alone, but even when you don´t notice it, you are moving forward, you are going to Him and, for sure, He is listening to you, keep praying, be with yoour family, try to do things you like, prepare for your studies, enjoy being alive.

          Forgiveness comes from Allah(swt), only Him can give us the gift of being forgived and the capability to forgive others, you already know this, you feel you cannot do it alone, you are so close, keep striving my beloved Sahar, you are getting it, insha´Allah.

          About the fact of talking or not to your future spouse, yes it is a closed sin once you have repented, but this is a personal opinion, you will do what you will think will be the best for all of you, insha´Allah. I don´t see a place for that kind of secrets in this life, sooner or later, your spouse can know about it, maybe one of the family, maybe someone who met the other person, maybe someone that heard of it, or maybe yourself after years ... are you going to be all your life in fear because you are hiding something from your husband, and what happens if you decide to tell him after having kids, and he doesn´t know how to handle with this, .... what I would advise you is to make sure that this man is not going to make your life a hell after marrying because you are not virgin. I know my opinion won´t solve your question, but for now focus on yourself, your life in all senses and when the time arrives, I am sure you will know what to do, insha´Allah.

          All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

          IslamicAnswers. Editor

          • Sister Sahar22,

            Thank you so much for all the work you have done to move forward. Thank you for sharing and listening to all of us, I deeply appreciated. Healing yourself you are helping others to heal, thank you so much.


    • Assalaam alaikum sister Sahar
      Thank you for responding
      I am pleased to hear that you are praying your salat. Please hold on to this salat completely.
      Dear sister I would try not to concern yourself with whether he will not be forgiven. You have both committed a huge sin together. But you are responsible for your own soul, and he is responsible for his. So if you choose to learn from your mistake and he doesnt - then it is HIM who will suffer. You need to try to focus on yourself. It is COMPLETELY NORMAL to not be able to forgive. Forgiveness will come at a later stage InshaAllah. Eventually these feelings will fade and you will no longer care much. This will take some time though. All that matter is your relationship with Allah.

      Sister regret the sin. But there IS hope for you. It is shaytaan that is whispering to you telling you that the sin is so big there is no hope. Dont doubt Allahs mercy dear sister- this is a sin. His Mercy is so great it is beyond comprehension. Please continue repenting and work to get closer to Allah. Make lots of dua.

      You should try to conceal your sin. But avoid marrying someone who will mind. Try to gage prospectives to determine who will mind and who wont. If they ask, it may be an important thing for them. Dont worry too much about that at this stage - focus on healing.

      I dont like to talk about these things but your post brought tears to my eyes as I can relate to some aspects personally. I will tell you some of my story. I was engaged (against my parents wishes) a few years back to someone who sounds a lot like your ex. I am alhumdulilah still a virgin as God protected me from physical sins but of course that doesnt justify anything. he changed for no reason. He insulted my parents (After being so nice about them). He broke engagement, called me every name under the sun and then suddenly burst into tears and said he needed my help. I went home an never met him again. He kept hassling me though.

      . I remember my mother advised me to tasbih until I fell asleep and it worked alhumdulilah. But I felt so empty for so long. I felt angry, I hated him for wasting so much of my life for ruining my relationship with my parents, I lost all my friends. The only friend I kept throughout couldnt take how much I missed him so even she left me. So I completely 120% understand your pain and your anger. I thought about ways to hurt him. A family member also went missing at this time, so it was extremely extremely painful.

      But you know what I got through it alhumdulilah. It took a long time. I had to go for counselling I was so messed up. The family member returned safely after a few months alhumdulilah. I realised how weak I had been to rely on someone so much, how I tried to fill what was missing in my life with a guy. I thought I needed someone to make me happy. I needed Allah swt. I was never truly happy with my ex fiancee - I always felt uneasy because dear sister no MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE SOMEONE, If this love leads you to disobey Allah swt in anyway, you will NEVER EVER EVER in a million years be happy in it.

      Dont kid yourself - secret meetings, loving gazes, nice phone calls, hugs, friendships between opp sex - are ALL disobeying Allah swt. I wish Id have realised that as it would have saved me from so much emotional turmoil.

      I made tawbah, I did salat. I vowed to never go near such things again. And you know what. Alhumdulilah I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I decided to learn from this. I tried to focus on the fact that Allah called me back to Him. He still loved me. That what has made me cry so much today. That is HOW MUCH Allah loves us that He still calls us back, He still waits with open arms for us to repent. He gives us comfort when we are suffering the consequences of our own sins. Be thankful dear sister as not everyone who goes astray gets this opportunity.

      I went back to university. I did my salat. I no longer placed the key to happiness in guys hands. Happiness comes only from the remembrance of Allah swt. I did a project - I decorated my room- new me, new room. I tried to find new halal hobby. I did loads of courses especially islamic courses to strengthen my deen. I flourished alhumdulilah. I am no way perfect dont get me wrong - I still struggle with so much in the deen. But I am so happy I am not disobeying Allah in that way now. I now only keep friendships with girls, usually Muslim but some good honest non Muslims as well.

      I got through it dear sister. So can you! Be strong and focus on you. Get up now and go and read a page of Qur'an. You can't go back so go forward. The heartbreak you are experiencing is a small price to pray for your sins - the akhirah would have been much worse if you would have died on such sins. Say alhumdulilah. This guy leaving you is a HUGE blessing! And InshaAllah Allah swt will reveal to you the hidden benefit in it. Ask Allah to bring the good out of this situation. Always ask of Allah. He knows everything about you, so try to be closer to Him.

      Keep very busy. If a thought comes to you about revenge/suicide/this guy/no hope seek refuge from shaytaan - he is playing with you.
      Most importantly focus on yourself and your deen. Do lots of good deeds. Help others. Give sadaqah. Pray salatul tawbah.
      Sorry for the long post - this is for sister sahar so others dont need to read. I just want others to benefit as much as poss from my experience. I hope that this post eases your pain and helps you to be positive
      Love you for Allahs sake
      Sister I

    • Ameen to your prayer my beloved sister

      I send you all as much Unconditional Love you can receive from all my Heart.

      Keep striving my beloved sisters. You are making a difference in my Life.

      Jazak Allahu Khairan.

      María Editor

  5. Assalamu aleikum my sister in Islam Sahar...

    I could not read your text all of it, I read half of it, because constantly you complain about your unofficial (haram) relationship. I think you do not know much about your religion. Whatever happened to you, you brought them to yourself with your own hands and solution to this is in your own hands. This man has done to you whatever he wanted, since you allowed him to do that, you better and better know that this man WAS NOT your husband and you have dishonoured yourself and then WHAT HAPPENED IS THE RESULT OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE...


    Forget whatever happened to you as Allah is there waiting for you with open hands to forgive you, if you wish, "ARE YOU READY TO OVERCOME THIS ISSUES AND WILL NOT HAPPEN TO YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN, THREE STEPS ONLY NEEDED"..


    Allah says ;Say (oh Mohammed), "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."...39.53




    Forgive me my sister I am neither to condemn you nor your sins are so much for Allah to forgive you...
    We are all as Adam`s (PBUH) offbrings sinners and the best one among us is THE ONE WHO REPENTS TO ALLAH AFTER HIS BAD DEEDS, so may Allah subhanahu wata ala forgive us and guide us towards right path and help muslims around the World...

    All my unconditional love, respect and support.

  6. i also agree with abdullahi great advice bro

  7. Assalaam alaikum everyone,
    thank you so much for your replies. You have no idea how greatful I feel right now for everyone's help as I cannot share my pain with my family. They would not be able to bear the bitter reality of the consequences of this relationship.

    @ brother Abdullahi: Jazakallah brother for your advice. I am sorry for rambling on and writing such a long post but this was my first time I vented properly since the end of that relation. I cannot discuss everything openly with my family as they have went through enough pain due to me, I just cannot afford to put them through more. Hence, this post was also a way for me to vent and release my pain and anger. You are absolutely right, all of this miseary resulted because of my haram actions. I have realized that, unfortunately the hard way, but alhumdulillah I didnt die in the process of doing haram, I can still repent like you all have urged. Brother you are right, I was not very religious a few months back. I have never smoked, drank, been to clubs, done drugs etc, but my biggest problem was that I wouldn't offer salat. For some reason I couldnt find myself praying. I would try, then fall off track. My lack of connection with Allah caused me this suffering. But alhumdulillah I am on track now and I will take all your advices into consideration.

    @ sister haniyyya: Jazakallah for all your great help! All the quotations you have provided have really brought me hope. I hope that one day this evil man realizes what damage he has done to me but I doubt he ever will. He's too shallow to realize. I have left my justice to Allah swt, he is Al-muntaqim (the avenger) and He will give me my justice, inshAllah. Also, you are right, alhumdulillah I have gotten rid of him. He could have gotten me pregnant then thrown me away so I am glad Allah swt saved me from that shame and humiliation, ALHUMDULILLAH!

    @ sister María M: jazakallah for all your great advices. You have no idea what this means to me. I cannot share this pain with any of my friends nor family as they would be so shocked. I am so glad you replied to my post, I feel like I am talking with my own sister and sharing my problems. Sister Maria, you are right about my potential partner and the chances of being 'exposed' but ALLAH FORBID, I never want that to happen, EVER. I have realized my sin and that's another reason why I have firmly decided to stay away from guys and change myself because I want a good husband in the future INSHALLAH. I am not a bad girl, I just made some very bad choices which I regret. I want to change for the better and show Allah that I am not bad, that I realize and I want to be blessed with a good husband and happy future INSHALLAH. I always dreamt of a happy marriage, that was one of my dreams. I dont want it to shatter because of this mistake I made. I will take all your advices into consideration and maybe during the time I am getting married, I will write another post here asking for advice as to what to do. I hope then everyone can help me again and guide me, inshAllah. I will ofcourse also pray to Allah swt for some guidance. I am trying not to think so much about the future because it really makes me scared and hopeless. I just want to heal myself right now and not think too much about my marriage and what I will do then. When the time comes, I will see what the situation is and what is the best approach to take. Jazakallah for all your help!

    @sister i: I kept your name at the end because my response for you is going to be a bit long. Firstly, jazakallah sister for your response. I am so glad you replied. I really wanted sister maria, and sisterZ to reply to my post and I have found your posts very helpful! Sister, I am sorry that my story brought tears in your eyes but as I was writing down my story, I too was crying. I have been through a lot due to this relationship and even more that I cannot mention here as I might get caught by my family. You are blessed mashAllah to be a virgin, that's something I will always regret till I die. Sister, I am sorry to hear about your story and I am so happy that you have left that person and moved on. I also went through hell because of this person and got abused a lot. I am not trying to victimize myself here or ask for sympathy but I just wish I left earlier. If I had known that this person was going to dump me and never even take my honour into consideration, I would have left long back. This regret will also stay in my heart that he dumped me even though he deserved to be dumped. I only stayed and took all this because I thought it would be unfair to marry someone else now. However, you bring hope to me as I know that there are many people who have been through similar things as me and they have moved on. My elder cousin also recommended that I recite tasbeeh till I fall asleep. I do that every so often but initially when this relationship ended, I could not even sleep in my room because his memories would haunt me. For a week in a half I slept in the dining area and all I would do at night was recite tasbeen and fall asleep. The first two weeks were by far the toughest time in my life. I never thought that time would pass but alhumdulillah it has. Every now and then though I find myself in the middle of the night crying and regreting what I have done. A part of me still wonders if he misses me or if he regrets anything? I have changed all my contact information so he cannot contact me even if he tries. It has been a very hard journey but I know I have a long way to go. I am trying to keep myself busy and keeping a lot of contact with my friends because I nearly lost them. I lost one of my very close friend in this process though and that's something that brings so much pain to me. I am a very motivated person when it comes to my education and alhumdulillah I have always done very well in school. Right now I have made that my goal and I want to study quite a bit inshAllah. I have high expectations from myself. Therefore, I am just volunteering and getting back in contact with school and trying to get myself involved. I am a year behind in university but soon time I will be back in school and hopefully that'll help me move on even faster as I will get busy again. Sister, do make duaa for me that I move on fast. I find myself thinking about this person everyday and unfortunately I become quite delusion at times imagining that one day he'll try to contact me and then I'll throw him away mercilessly like he threw me away. I think I am thinking this way because I never got my closure as things ended really rougly and I was the last person to know what had happened and also because I am still feeling a lot of anger for this person. I do hope that one day he realizes who he lost, inshAllah. I will try my best to move on from these feelings but I know it will take time.

    May Allah bless you all for helping a helpless person in time of need, ameen!

    • @ Abdullahi, I am extremely sorry. I think you may be a sister but I could not tell by your name as it is my first time hearing of that name. I have heard of the name Abdullah but not Abdullahi. If you are a sister, please pardon my ignorance, I did not know you are a sister!

      • Oops! I just read sister haniyyya's reply to Abdullahi and she said "brother". That means I was correct. Sorry for the confusion.

      • Masha Allah, masha Allah Jazakallahu kheiran all my sisters in Islam..
        Yesterday when I was reading sister Sahar22`s post I found it a bit long and feel sorry for her, but today masha Allah when I heard those sentences below from her "I am crying, since of her sincere heart, alhamdulillah"..

        "I have realized my sin and that's another reason why I have firmly decided to stay away from guys and change myself because I want a good husband in the future INSHALLAH. I am not a bad girl, I just made some very bad choices which I regret. I want to change for the better and show Allah that I am not bad, that I realize and I want to be blessed with a good husband and happy future INSHALLAH. I always dreamt of a happy marriage, that was one of my dreams. I dont want it to shatter because of this mistake I made"....

        Comment: My dear sister Sahar22 we are all sinners and the best among us is the one, who comes back to Allah after his/her shortcomings and goes ahead like you did masha Allah. I am really happy to hear about you again and will like to hear about you in the future insha Allah..those sentences above made me like "I am proud of you SAHAR22 go ahead and believe in Allah".

        I also thank our sisters in Islam you mentioned in your post for their sincere hearts and supportive advice, if we continue this way and help among each other and love among each other for the sake of Allah then Allah may accept our good deeds and forgive our sins and grant all of us Jannah insha Allah...

        About my name: I am male sister and it is no problem, if you thought me female... As my native language is neither English nor Arabic in our homeland they pronounce " --he", but as you said in English it must be Abdullah and thank you all for your supportive and sincere suggestion..that was my mistake I should have writen it clearly..

        Assalamu aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
        Peace and blessing of Allah upon you.

    • Walaykum as salam, my beloved sister

      You are working so hard, I do admire your efforts to move on, live here and now, living your present will keep you balance, and all the fears and ghosts will melt, insha´Allah.

      Always in my Heart,

      María Editor

  8. For some reason my whole post got deleted except for the last part :S. i will re-write another post again once I am free again. Sorry brother Abdullahi, I also thought you were a sister and when I wrote my response i also wrote sister in it, but my response did not go through except for the last sentence. Sorry for the confusion!

  9. Dear Sahar

    After reading your reply really brought tears through my eyes how can men do this to women and us as women need to realise these kind of men don’t deserve women like us. You will get through this difficult time there are women taken in by these kind of men everywhere. You must start taking control of your life, it is normal for you to feel anger and frustration towards him, but you must move forward and achieve all the good things in life for you. In time you will realise this was better for you to have sabr, hope and people like him trust me allah will sort out just leave that to allah. These kind of men don’t have honour or respect for other women if they did then they would have respect in how to treat us. They don’t because we as women don’t see the true colours until it is too late that’s why in this world today sister Sahar you are not alone because we get trapped and lured in thinking we believe them for sticking around but in actual fact they make false promises to take advantage and not everything is back and white. You must carry on what you doing and inshallah your pain will heal in time and I wish you the best for the future.

  10. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Sahar!

    Alhumdulilah you are on the right track with your salat! Also am glad you actually read my extremely long post and benefitted from it. Alhumdulilah. Dont worry too much about feeling delusional - these feelings are natural during heartbreak - I spent ages thinking oscillating between thinking about revenge and wanting to marry him, I searched for closure but it was impossible to find. It took my quite a while before I began to accept that it was really over and that had to move on. The most important thing is to accept these feelings they way they are and not to act on them! Initially I was able to talk to my mother, but after the family member went missing, it wasnt really appropriate to discuss my own problems so of course my feelings got worse. It was soon after that I considered counselling as I was too delusional. And btw.. just thought I'd let you know.. I no longer dream about revenge, I forgave him a long time ago, but of course I stopped contact.

    So alhumdulilah, from what you have written, you seem like a sincere, strong girl who is progressing very well although I know it doesnt seem that way. It will just take some time and patience. Please also remember to keep up salat, even when the cloud disperses in your life. Its harder to turn to Allah, pray and make dua in ease than in hardship of course, so it will require some discipline but you can do it! 🙂

    If you change your life around, it will please Allah, and bring something very good out of something ugly! I don't know if you wear hijab but if not, try to consider moving towards that. Increase your emaan first if you dont feel ready, and start practicing internal hijab - lowering gaze, dressing modestly etc. The step seems scary, but the concept of change is scarier than the change itself!

    Doing something you love also is very important. Your 25 like me right? As youth we always are passionate about things. But we need to avoid being passionate about haraam things. So its good to try and find something (halal) which we love - like a hobby to do in spare time (not saying to neglect your work - but this worked amazingly well for me- ). So translate these feelings into other halal things for some time. Even if (InshaAllah you will) you become strong in deen, always acknowledge your natural weakness (desire is a fitrah), never put yourself in a situation and always ask Allah to protect you.

    You'll be fine InshaAllah - I;m sure of it.
    But will pray for you.
    Sister I xx

  11. It is not your fault. He didn't keep his promises. I know it is easy for me to say, but maybe it is good for you that your relationship with him ended. You were staying with him only because of the virginity issue and he was abusive to you. Your BF/husband should be caring loving definitely not abusive, i mean even verbal abuse is unbearable i cant imagine physical abuse. I hope you will find someone who is going to love you so much that will heal all the damage. All the best...


  12. Asalamoalikum everyone,
    thank you for your replies and constant motivation and support. Alhumdulillah I feel like I am progressing even though some days are still very tough for me.

    Sister you will not believe it but something very strange happened. After I read your post in which you state, "This guy leaving you is a HUGE blessing! And InshaAllah Allah swt will reveal to you the hidden benefit in it. Ask Allah to bring the good out of this situation.", a couple of days later I found out something shocking about this guy. He lied to me so much throughout our relation and always supected me of doing things behind his back when actually it was HIM who was doing all of things all along. And the miraculous thing is that Allah swt showed me all this by Himself! I wasnt even attempting to find out this stuff, it just came out on it's own. I remember that night when I found out those certain things, I just froze and could not believe Allah's miracle, how he shows us people's reality. I am in 0 contact with this person. As I mentioned earlier, I have changed all my contact information so that he can never reach to me and through the strangest way I found out these revaltions regarding this person. I weeped a lot that night and prayed to Allah and thanked him for showing me his reality. All this time he treated me so badly and suspected me when it was him all along who was lying to me about certain things. No wonder he couldn never trust me because he thought I was doing all those things that he was doing behind my back! This revalation has made me much stronger because now I know that I was just being used for sex (sorry for being so straight up). That's all that he ever wanted from me. I cant believe how much this guy has betrayed me. I was such a fool, all this time I trusted him and thought he was my own, when in reality he was my enemy and did so much behind my back.
    But I am trying to forget him now and every time I miss him, I tell myself how much of a liar he was, how he never loved me and was just using me for his convenience. I havent forgiven him but I dont pray to Allah anymore to punish him. Allah knows what I feel inside so I just dont mention it to Allah, I have left him to be delt with Allah. He will get what he deserves, inshAllah.

    I just have a question for you all that has recently been eating me inside. Please, if you guys can help me to ease my pain, that will be great. I know this is not the time to think about all this but I just want some peace of mind. I keep thinking that in the future when I will get a proposal, do I tell my potential husband that I am not a virgin? Personally, I do not want to because I have heard and even read on this website itself that many times women's honesty about their past cause their husbands to treat them ill and not trust them ever. Although intially they may claim to accept us, we do not know what is in their heart and they may use this aspect to dominate and control us later on. We can only judge people from how they behave but we cannot peep in someone's heart to see the real them. I have done some research regarding this on my own and most of the consensus is that one should not reveal their past sin and keep it a secret.
    Here is a link that I found that also suggests the same thing, but I dont know what to do. What do you guys suggest? I really dont want to reveal this sin because Allah knows how much I regret it and I will never turn back to it again INSHALLAH. Also, I am trying to change myself (I have cut off contact from all guys, I am offering salat) and become a better person so that Allah sees that I regret what I have done. Also, I think though that wont this be deceiving my future husband? I dont know what to do, please advise me but dont be too harsh because I am already really broken from inside. If you want to be blunt, please do so, but gently.
    Jazakallah for all your help!

    • In addition, if this is of any relevance I want to mention that when I did engage in this act, I did not bleed. I was suspected by this vile man that I was not a virgin due to that and he told me to prove it by placing my hand on the Quran and I did that but still he did not believe me. I am not 100% sure as to why I did not bleed but I was molested when I was 3 by our neighbour's son who was in 9th grade at that time. I do not remember exactly what happened but I have flashes of that incident. I remember him discharging on me and trying to insert something in. I believe he tried to have intercourse with me and he discharged. I remember running home crying after and I suppressed this traumatic event in my mind as I was only 3. After that I became extremely depressed and started becoming obsessive and compulsive. When I was 8 years old I confessed to my mother what happened and by then I was extremely depressed. I then got treatment from different psychiatrists for about a year because I was diagnosed with depression and was also suffering obsessive compulsive disorder due to this traumatic event. Although I looked like a completely normal human to people from outside, constant thoughts and compulsions would torture me from inside. It wasnt until I went through treatment did I recover from this event. I think this may be the reason I did not bleed as this person may have ripped my hymen then. I am not sure and I am not accusing that person for doing so but I know 100% that I was molested and he discharged on me, and then wiped me and told me to go home.

    • "He lied to me so much throughout our relation and always supected me of doing things behind his back when actually it was HIM who was doing all of things all along."

      There's an old saying: "A thief thinks everyone else is also a thief."

      About concealing your past sins, you are correct. You should continue to make your sincere tawbah, and do not reveal your past mistakes to others. See this previous post:

      Boasting about sins

      Last comment, I know you are in pain. Give it time. I promise it will dissipate eventually. Focus on your relationship with Allah. Maintain friendships with good people. Take time for the hobbies you enjoy. You will get better.

      Wael Editor

  13. I am very sorry to hear what you went through at such a young age, sister Sahar.

    It is likely to be the reason, I dont know much on this topic - but some women just dont. It can break from certain sports as well. May Allah swt help you.

    I agree that its definetly best to conceal your sins, but if at possible, avoid marrying someone who only wants a virgin or who has strong views on it. This is not a reflection on you, but it will InshaAllah prevent your life being difficult. So if a potential is asking questions and a wifes virginity seems to be 'high' on his list, then think twice. Thats my opinion. But try not to worry too much. Allah has a plan for you. Do istakhaarah while considering someone and ask for the Best spouse for you and for you to be pleased with him.

    Someone said something beautiful about this topic to me once, so I will share it with you:
    She said to remind yourself why you are doing something or not doing something.
    Why don't you date?
    Not because you don't want to get hurt but because you dont want to disobey Allah. You want Him to be pleased with you. I remember this when I feel left out/lonely. She said if you give something haraam up for Allah's sake, He will reward you. InshaAllah with the best spouse. Of course this doesnt mean you dont be proactive in looking when your ready - but you must be positive.

    Im rambling again - In a nutshell if you purify your intention, Allah will make things easy for you You gotta work at it though, its hard - constantly remind yourself

    Alhumdulilah that you have realised so soon! You seem to be leaving the 'haze' stage you get at the start of the process MashaAllah Allah is helping you! Keep striving dear sister! This will all pass InshaAllah soon.

  14. Thanks for the reply brother Wael and sister Yasmin. I'll take your advices into consideration when it is time for marriage. InshAllah things will not be as difficult as they seem right now. I was just really confused because I know Islam says to not be deceptive and I find that if I do not inform my potential partner about my past then I will be deceiving him but after reading the link brother Wael pasted, I guess the best way to go is to remain silent about it. InshAllah Allah will me guide me during that time.

    On another note, for some reason, I feel extremely down right now. I dont talk to my friends at all regarding this issue as I am not really comfortable but I am just finding today as one of those "difficult" days. I can feel that I am healing slowly but not as quickly as I want to. I cant help but think does he even think about me or regret what he said and did? Does he miss me? I dont know why I keep dwelling over these questions that I will never get answers to. Also, a part of me is still not entirely ready to let go that he is gone from my life forever, that I will never see him again...I dont know why I feel this way. I mean it's been almost 2 months, I should have accepted the reality by now that I will never see or hear from him again but I still miss him a lot even though he never loved me and hurt me so much. I just feel so upset right now because even after everything he did, how can I miss someone like that?

    It's not that I want to go back to him Allah forbid (I know for a fact I never want to return to that path again), it's just that I feel like I never got my closure and he never apologized nor regretted hurting me. A part of me really wants him to come back to me and ask to be with me again just so that I can throw him away mercilessly and tell him I dont want ANYTHING to do with him. Why am I thinking this way? Shouldnt I just accept the reality for the way it is and why is my mind still hoping for this?? I feel so delusional right now 🙁

    Lastly, I just wanted to know if this would be a wise thing to do. Although I do not see any symptoms, I feel like I should get an STD test done just incase to ensure everything is okay with me physically. I want to be at rest that I am INSHALLAH perfectly healthy with no diseases, but I am finding it extremely difficult to do. I feel really scared of doing this and I do not want it to be in my medical record that I ever got these tests done. What should I do?? I am feeling so uneasy right now..

    • These feelings of wanting closure, wanting him to apologize, wanting him to come back so you can reject him - these are very common. Just be patient and give it time. When your mind goes to thoughts of him, push them out and replace them with thoughts of Allah. In time the feelings will fade.

      Getting an STD test is not a bad idea. Most cities have free clinics that will test you anonymously. Just do a Google search for your city and "free medical clinic".

      Wael Editor

  15. You will have good days where you feel like alhumdulilah progress and then bad days. Two steps forward, one step back. As brother Wael said, it's normal to fluctuate with your feelings. The important thing is not to act on them. Just accept them for what they are - feelings which will eventually pass. Two months is really not that long.

    Getting tested is a good idea. This should also be anonymous, but you can always check beforehand. Take a deep breath.
    Just remember dear sister that you are never alone. Allah swt is always there for you. Do lots of zikr. Also try keeping busy with a hobby if you can. You will get there InshaAllah. You are in my duas

  16. Sister Sahar Salam Alaikum.

    Sometimes my comments can be bold and blunt but because of the extent of
    pain you've endured through this ordeal I'll keep it short and sweet.
    ALLAH (swt) forgives those who seek it. ALLAH (swt) punishes those
    who DON'T seek his forgiveness. Those who live life without any regrets and
    think life is just one big game. I want you to know that ALLAH (swt) will forgive
    you and you don't have to let some guy with low self esteem take control
    of your life. He's out of your life now which is the best thing.
    Get your head together. Reconcile with your family.

    Explain how wrong your actions have been. If you want, register on a
    Muslim marriage website and Insha'Allah you may find a nice brother
    who will treat you better and won't care about your past. The most important
    thing is that YOU SEEK THE FORGIVENESS OF ALLAH (swt). Perform your
    prayers and pay your Zakat and Khums. And all the other obligatory ibadat.
    ALLAH (swt) may or may not punish your ex. If he's TRULY sorry he would
    seek forgiveness of ALLAH (swt) and swear to never do it again and perhaps
    seek your forgiveness as well. I pray for you sister. HAVE FAITH IN ALLAH (swt).

    We all make mistakes. I know I do....
    Wish you all the best. =)
    May ALLAH (SWT) bless and protect you and your family.


  17. Asalamoalikum everyone,
    thank you for your constant support and advice. I am trying my best to move forward with my life. I am praying consistently and just trying to be strong, but I am not feeling as strong as I was a few days back. I know, it hasn't been a long time (not even 2 months) and of course after all that I've been through with this person it will take me a long time to heal but I am again starting to feel really hopeless. I am again starting to think revengeful thoughts. Last night I cried till 4 am, I just couldnt sleep. I keep wanting him to reach out to me and ask me back so I can tell him how unjust he was with me and then throw him away. I just cant get over the fact of how things my siblings went to his place without telling me and how he thought that I sent them there and how he got back at me by telling my siblings certain things that were very personal. He caused a huge fight in my household and everyone was angry with me. I feel so alone, I cant share my problems with anyone, I feel like I have no one in this world, not even my family who I once thought would be there for me always. I know I have hurt everyone and they advised and supported me a lot, but now when I need them the most, no one seems to be there. They just expect me to heal on my own. I stay in my room the whole day, sometimes even eat there and when Im really upset I just cry and go to sleep. Since I am not attending school right now I really dont have much to do. I volunteer but that's only once a week. I feel so weak right now. As Im writing this, Im crying I dont know why I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one but Allah, I just wish I had someone in human form who could care for me also. And whenever i think how happy this guy must be after dumping me I cant stop crying till my body physically hurts. Why did this guy do this to me? I feel a bit angry with Allah sometimes (nauzubillah) because I want him to be punished but I dont see or hear anything of such. I want my justice, I want him to suffer for ruining my life. I feel like such a LONER, all my friends are busy with school and I just have no one. I feel so depressed, sometimes I just ask Allah to give me death, I dont want to live anymore and I know suicide is haram so I just make duaa that ya Allah give me death. I dont want to live anymore. I want my answers, I want to know WHY did this guy do this to me? why didnt he love me, why did he ruin my life. I feel so hopeless, I feel like I can never love anyone again and all these memories I have will always be in my mind. I lost my most precious thing with him and now Ill never be able to forget that. This is such a huge punishment for me. I realize my mistake hence I have started salat, I have cut off all contact from guys, I just stay home, I am trying to re-gain my faith but right now I just dont feel any inner peace. Why did he do this to me. I feel so broken right now..please help me...

    • Salaams, Sahar,

      You are not alone, please when you can´t sleep read this:

      My Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María Editor

    • Salaam. Thank you for being so honest about your feelings.
      I am sorry to hear about the way your feeling my dear sister in Islam.
      It seems you are going through a backlog. These emotions are still raw. They will be. There will be easy days/weeks and difficult days/weeks. As time goes on there will InshaAllah be less of the difficult or mroe of the easier days.

      You are never alone, please remember that,and no human can provide the support and comfort Allah swt can provide. Its only natural to want answers, but I'm sorry to break it to you - you'll never get them. So please when you feel like questioning, try your hardest to stop. Men are very different from women, and we will never understand their motives. (Dont get me wrong-Of course not all are like that)

      Each time you feel sad, go and pray to Allah. I recommend a book which alhumdulilah is very good. If you can get it, it would be good. I will put the links for the first chapter of the e-book I found. I wasnt able to find the full book online.

      You can be the Happiest woman in the world
      Dr A'id Al Qarni

      "And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out" of (every difficulty) 65:2

      So having taqwa is a way out of every distress. Take this path towards taqwa. Try to learn the 99 names of Allah and His attributes. Recite "La hawla wa la quwwaata illah billah". There is no power/might except with Allah.

      Is there a masjid in your area? Or do you know of any sisters circles or muslim youth groups? I think staying in your room all day is not good. You need a change of scenery and you need to keep busy. Be close to your deen, but you should try to meet new sisters if you can. Do your research if you can. Its good you are volunteering alhumdulilah.

      Your life has not been ruined. There is no such thing my dear sister. Each day is a new day - your wounds will heal and one day you will look back and it won't be painful. You are never alone and also please stop making dua for Allah to take you. Ask Allah for the right things. Ask Him to take your pain away, to help you to learn from your mistake and to protect you. Ask Him to make you a strong Muslimah. Ask Him to give you true happiness and contentment and ask Him for good things.

      Make yourself be like the caterpillar who will InshaAllah change into the beautiful butterfly. We may all be on the other side of the world on this site, but we do care, we are praying for you and we love you for Allah's sake, so also remember that you have a friend in me. I find it hard to write stuff like that - so when I do - I mean it. If you want to continue writing on here, please do. Feel free to express yourself.

  18. Salam,
    thank you so much for your advice sister Maria and sister Sara. I dont know why but for some reason I feel stuck, Im not moving forward and Im so scared that Im going to be stuck in this gutter hole for the rest of my life. I'm hitting the two month mark next week but I still feel that my wounds are very fresh. I find myself late at night when everyone is asleep pondering and re-playing past situations in my mind (both good and bad). Yesterday I woke up in the morning and just felt so irritated and angry for no reason and I started ignoring my family members. I dont know why I was behaving this way because I couldnt even figure out what was actually bugging me but it was something related to him and I am ashamed to say I missed my salat yesterday on purpose because I was so angry (I only prayed isha). I feel like Im walking backwards, not forwards. A few days a go I felt progress and felt my faith getting stronger. Now, again I feel weak, angry, and upset. I keep searching for closure from somewhere but I just cant find it. I know this will sound ridiculous, but I play situations in my mind where I see him coming back to me and I reject him. Sisters, I cant take this anymore, Im in a lot of pain. Im so depressed, I dont even feel I have true friends. They all are so busy in their life, they could care less about me. And then when I think of this guy and how much support he has from his family and friends my blood boils and I feel angry towards Allah (nauzubillah). He does weed, he chills late at night, he lies to his parents about his where abouts, he leads a double lifestyle, hardly prays, swears, hangs around with corrupted people and yet he's so happy? I just dont get it! I feel so upset with Allah because I was hopeful one day he would come to me and apologize but now Im realizing that im just being pathetic, I will never get my justice. I know you all will say just ask Allah for forgiveness for your sins and I constantly am. Im also changing and making amends to show Allah that I regret what I did but why did this happen to me. So many of my friends have boyfriends and they are so happy, they have been in relationships for year, their families know, they go outside with their boyfriends, they treat them well, are sincere with them, are serious to get married, they have gotten their families involved. So my question is why does Allah swt give His blessings to some people in their haram relationships? I dont even know if I make sense right now but Im just so upset and angry. I feel like such a wasted person, so used and abused. Every time I see the marks on my hands and arms I weep because I remember how bad he treated me. Sometimes I think I deserve this, that maybe Allah hates me that's why since chilld hood I was molested, then had to face so many family problems, and then now this. Who knows how much more miseary is waiting for me in the future. I just wish I can die.
    Im sorry im so hopeless right now, as Im writing this im weeping. Im so alone and Ive become extremely anti-social. This website is my only means of venting and feeling a bit better so please dont judge me after reading this. Im a hopeless person, I know...

    • Assalaamu alaikum dear sister.
      Your human - you made a mistake and you will have this horrible dark cloud over you for quite some time. You are not hopeless - these feelings are very normal. I feel hopeless over much smaller issues SubhanAllah - so no matter how hard it is, please remember you are not alone. Missing your prayers was a mistake, you must repent. You need to remember that Allah swt doesnt need our prayers or our praise. They do not make him more powerful. It's us that need him. Every breath we take, food. Everything. Its physically impossible to thank Allah swt for every blessing he has bestowed upon us. Recite surah ar Rahman. This is the only way we can thank Allah swt. I also strongly recommend that you read Suratul Kahf on Fridays (in the day- before magrib).

      Please make tawbah for the missed prayers and make them up as soon as you can.
      I know its long but if its easier, read alongside a recitation tape. Do this every week and it will become a good habit, and you will grow to love Fridays and love this Surah. Please continue to work on your deen. Do more ibadaah. Learn about your deen. Learn the 99 names of Allah. I urge you to do this!

      Your behaviour of being agitated for a reason beknown to you etc, and showing your anger is normal in your sitaution. But dear sister, I know it will be hard but if you have been rude or mean to your parents when you were angry, please take a deep breath and apologise to them. Write a note if need be and leave it. Most importantly repent to Allah.

      Allah swt does not hate you. Please dont think this way. You are His creation and He loves all His creation
      Furthermore, he saved you from being stuck committing sins. He has given you a chance to repent despite your sins. He has guided you to this site to help you through your ordeal. I wasnt able to get sincere advice from an islamic perspective when I went through a difficult time. These are all blessings. I am not telling you this to feel guilty.
      Dont get me wrong - I am telling you this so that every time a thought like this comes to your head, remind yourself of it. Self talk if you have to.. This is very important.

      "Sisters, I cant take this anymore, Im in a lot of pain. Im so depressed, I dont even feel I have true friends."
      I am sorry, but as hard as it is you must accept it. You friends probably do care for you, but they are busy and I dont mean to be harsh, but they may feel confused - if you left them for this guy. Try to put yourself in their shoes. I really think it would be a good idea for you to go to local islamic centre and meet new sisters and learn about your deen. Also don't forget that, we may all be halfway across the world from you but you have a friend in those on this site. I am not in your country, but I can contact you privately by mail if you are still struggling - just let me know on here if you want me to do so, its no problem

      why does Allah swt give His blessings to some people in their haram relationships
      "corrupted and yet he's so happy?"

      I want to give a few quotes here InshaAllah
      Easy Entrance: “Paradise is surrounded by difficulties and Fire is surrounded by temptations” [Bukhari]. Don't ever envy this haraam lifestyle and always remember your accountability to Allah. Faith goes up and down naturally, but we should work at it to gain yaqeen (certainty) that we will meet Allah swt. The path to Jahannam is glittery and beautiful - but short lived and ends in huge torment.

      Likewise to your friends that have boyfriends. They may seem happy - but they are likely to be indulging in sin. (Allah forgive me if I am wrong). So say Alhumdulilah that Allah has taken me away from someone so bad for me. Your marriage would have been awful had you have married him. Know that in time Allah will give you someone nice and of good deen InshaAllah. Please also remember that the grass is greener on the other side - they may seem happy but this doesnt guarantee it.

      "I will never get my justice."
      Another negative phrase dear sister. Allah swt is Al Adl - the Just. Everyone will get true and fair justice in the hereafter, particularly those who didnt get it in this life. And getting justice/compensation in the next is so much better than in this life. Have hope.

      Try not to feel sorry for yourself and wallow ok. (Not to be harsh but we all tend to do it when we are upset.) Tell yourself- enough! Give yourself positive affirmation each morning. 'You can do it! You will change!' Wipe away your tears now, seek refuge from Shaytaan and vow to start taking some forward steps. Make the change. Be positive and never give up. You efforts will not be wasted

      I or someone else may expand on this later if need be InshaAllah - but this post is so long now. Sorry for essay.
      May Allah help you

    • I totally feel your pain. Im going thru my own situation for a while now. Its different to you yet i too see ppl around me gettin married after there relationships families are happy n they settle down well. Its v hard. And about friends, well i had a huge group of friends and due to this situation of mine i only have a couple. But thats all i need. Ppl dont understand, they judge they talk... Its best to be with ppl who make u feel positive. About ur ex. He is accountable for all he has done to you. Dsnt matter how much he goes out, smokes weeed chhills well who cares its his loss really. Surely we dont want husbands like that? U need to let this run its natural course, i dunno wat else to say bcz im not in ur shoes. All i no is he wil get wat he deservs. I pity the girl he marries. Pls realise u wr better than that. Ur v young. Get urself a good education n stay away from bad ppl.
      Like u said ur upset with allah, well i was too n i stopped prayin, stopped askin for help or doin dua. How bad is that. I feel terrible. So pls dont go down that road hm? U wil get ur justice. Maybe not now but life has to move on. I no u must be terribly hurt. If u want u can email me if u get my address from one of the editors. If u need to let off steam. Ive been there where u just need someone to listen. X

  19. Wasalam my beloved Sahar,

    You are going through a normal and healthy process. This is a new step in the stairs, let´s learn about it and continue the way.

    You need solutions, you can listen to me or not, don´t worry I won´t take it personally, and, of course, everything with a pinch of salt, as always, you are the only one that knows yourself the best. I would give you a couple of things to experience to see if you notice any improvement insha´Allah.

    Last meal of the day at least two hours before going to bed if it is a heavy meal, and if it is light one hour. Try to avoid too oily food and flour products at night (buiscuits, bread, pizza, cakes,...), chocolate in the morning, not at night. If you eat animal protein, before you begin to eat it , you should prepare your body with one small piece of fruit (small apple is fine), chew very well your food. Drink half an hour before of after eating.
    Have a bit of steamed greens in your main dish everyday for a while if you can. From a physical point of view, this will help you to focus in yourself and ease the anger, that you are dealing with.

    One silly but extremely effective advise, when you feel so angry, go to a mirrow look at yourself and smile, not a little one, a big smile, see what happens.

    Sahar, the little girl that was hurt in you is annoyed with Allah(swt) because you felt abandonned by Him at that time and more than that, He is not doing what you want Him to do, now, that is why you are "punishing" not praying, your annoyment with your family may have to do with the fact that they weren´t there to avoid being molested being a little girl. Your moment to heal the hurt baby in you is now, go to Allah(swt) to look for Love and Comfort, now you are in direct contact with your pain, and so close to Him that you know that not praying will have an answer, that is why you are so angry, this step will guide you to acceptance, forgiveness(you didn´t do anything wrong, forgiveness towards yourself, your family, him, his family and the rest of the world, that are not with you when you most need them) and Peace will come alone after all of this, insha´Allah.

    I read somewhere that when we don´t pray, Shaytan laughs, because he gets that he wants. Everytime I remember this my Heart shakes painfully.

    Keep striving, you are important to me.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  20. Salam everyone,
    thank you so much for understanding my pain. I'm feeling a bit better now alhumdulillah. I'm trying to be strong, it's just that my feelings are quite inconsistent: sometimes I hate him but most of the time I'm sad over what happened and miss him. It's been almost 2 months now but I still think about him everyday. I feel like it all happened just yesterday but Im taking all of your advices into consideration. Sometimes I wonder that he's probably forgotten me by now and is probably also well adjusted into his life but im stuck in this rut, Im very scared that I will never forget him nor fall in love (with my potential husband) ever again. Also, Im still quite delusional, it's very difficult for me as im constantly at home 6 days a week, but Im trying not to complain at all.

    Im just trying to heal myself though, I try telling myself over and over that he didnt even love you, he just used you for his convenience and he's probably moved on, maybe even another girl friend, so hate him and move on and I find a bit of strength. But then I fall back to square one. I guess itll take me about a year or two to fully forget him and even then he'll remain a vivid memory.

    Right now Im just extremely scared of getting my STD tests done, I cant seem to gather the strength to find a clinic and go there. Im too scared of the results. I know I shouldnt delay but I never imagined I would have to go through all this alone. I dont even have anyone to go with me just for some assurance but I promised myself i will go because I cant keep living in fear. I want to know that Im okay INSHALLAH but im just scared that what if i'm not..Allah forbid...I dont know why I'm being so weak...

    Sister Aliyah and sister Sara I would be greatful if you both could contact me through e-mail. Sometimes it's hard discussing everything here.

    Once again, jazakAllah for all the constant support you all have given me, I dont know what I would have done if I didnt find this website. May Allah swt bless each and everyone of you for helping a helpless person in time of need, ameen.

  21. Asalamoalaikum,
    I have been wanting to ask the editors for quite some time if they can do me a favour please? Can one of the editors please delete certain passages of my post for confidentiality reasons. I would really appreciate it.

    I was hoping if you guys could remove paragraphs: 3, 4, 6, 7 and 11.

    I know this is quite a bit of information but I really feel that these are integral points that my family or cousins may be able to pick on and assess that I wrote in for help. If they find out that it is me who wrote in for help, it will cause a lot of problems for me.

    Please if one of the editors could do this favour for me, I will be very great full.


    • Dear Sister, Wa alaykum as-salam. I went through your post and changed many of the details. I doubt very much that anyone who knows you will recognize anything from this post. I'm not willing to totally delete the paragraphs you mentioned as it will make your question less understandable to readers. Also, I don't want to get into a back-and-forth of "delete this detail, that line, this sentence," etc. Our policy is not to delete posts after they have been published and answered.

      Wael Editor

  22. Asalamoalaikum,
    I am writing to you all in the hope that anyone can help me right now. Please, I am in a lot of pain right now and crying as I am writing to you all for help. It has been about 4 months since my relationship has ended now. I have asked for sincere tauba, don't talk to any guy, I offer salat and try my best to remain consistent (but sometimes I do miss it especially when I am extremely upset and physically dont have the stregth to pray), I have gotten my STI testing done to ensure I am physically fit and alhumdulillah my results were all negative, and presently I am seeking therapy and by this week will be on medication. I am suffering from depression at the moment and although I was healing a few weeks prior, I am again very hopeless. Please do not call me a zaaniya or fornicator, I have realized the enormity of my sin therefore I have and I am making amends. But right now I need somene, anyone just to write to me because I am feeling very suicidal.
    In the past I would get suicidal thoughts but always had this fear to not act them out. However, today has been a very very tough day for me and I have literally cried all day and put myself to sleep. I have resumed school again alhumdulillah but I can't focus properly due to my depression. I have an exam this week but nothing is going through my head; I just can't focus. Today I have again been getting suicidal thoughts but now I am not feeling any fear, instead I feel very hopeless and I keep thinking of ways to end my life. I feel very scared right now because I keep thinking I might end up hurting myself and finishing myself off tonight.
    I am writing to you all because I am asking for help. I don't want to end my life but I feel so hopeless. Everyone in my family keeps telling me, this guy doesn't feel any remorse for what he's done, he's probably moved on, has another girl friend, doesn't even think of you, etc and I feel so much pain when I think that he put me through hell and probably doesn't even regret anything.
    Moreover, I feel ashamed of myself that I am still crying and thinking of him everyday and it's been 4 months. He probably doesn't even think of me and here I am still wallowing in own grief. I feel anger, pain, and hopelessness all at the same time.
    I am in so much pain, anyone, please help me. I am thankful to Allah swt as things could have been worse but when my family says to be he'll never realize or regret what he's done I can't help but cry. He used me so much and he doesn't even feel an ounce of pain for damaging me like this?

    • I want to know will I ever get my justice? Will Allah swt ever avenge me? I keep feeling like I deserved this, that it's all my fault I lost my virginity, therefore he left me because he probably thinks if I lost it to him I could do it to anyone. I can't find it in me to forgive myself. I feel like I lacked something. I know this all shouldn't matter--him getting punished or not, I should look at myself and focus on my sin but someone who used me, abused me, and then dishonoured me in front of my family, I deserve to ask Allah swt for some justice? Or am I wrong? I don't make duaa to Allah swt anymore to punish him but I do wonder a lot if he ever regrets what he's done and will Allah swt ever teach him a lesson or let him be because it isn't like he raped me, I gave I deserved this right?

      • Your ex was a _____ . These man are misogynist . Their sole objective is to use and abuse woman . Even if they marry , most of them don't stay faithful and would be cheating on their wives .

        I have seen a lot of these people lately . On this website and and thru my personal experience . They don't have any respect for woman at all . They only consider them as sex objects .

        They show you all lovy dovy stuff . They show you false dreams . They show you , that they will marry you and would make your future all perfect .

        For all woman who are reading this ...... These sort of man have one thing in common . They want to get physical . Indirectly or directly they will try to convince you to sleep with them and once you give in , then it's over for you .They got what they want and now they leave . Woman are just a number for them .

        I would suggest all woman not to get physical at all with any man . Only get physical when you get married . IF A GUY TRULY LOVES YOU , HE WILL WAIT FOR MARRIAGE ,NO MATTER WHAT . .

        As for you sister . It is better for you to forget him . He will never come back and he will never feel apologetic . I have seen a lot of these man so I know there mentality . Trust me , on this .

        Try to focus on religion . Mix up with your local muslimah community . Try to talk to people and enjoy your life . HUMAN LIFE IS ALREADY SHORT , WHY ARE YOU WASTING IT BY THINKING OF SOME MAN , WHO WILL NEVER FEEL ANYTHING .

        Look forward . Your just 25 . Inshallah there's long way to go . Since you have seriously repented and promised to not turn to this sin again . Inshallah Allah will award you with something much better .

        As for the solution for crying and depression . Well , think of it in this way . Think , that if you cry and feel guilty about your sin and ask forgiveness . Allah is removing all your bad deed from your divine record . He is cleaning you . Isn't that great . I used to think like that , when I am in any bad situation .

        Tough situation makes us strong . It is a part of learning from life . A genius is the one who learns from his mistakes and refrain from doing it again . You are thus a genius ...(Happy face)

        • Masha´Allah Brother a muslim man, thank you for sharing your soft Heart.


      • Sahar,

        There are two women. One enjoys having illegal intercourse with her boyfriend, she finds it exciting and loves the drama, the hiding and the risk of being caught. She knows its a major sin but really couldnt care less. She just wants to have a good time and never feels any guilt. The other woman knows that illegal intercourse is a major sin, she gets drawn in emotionally and gives in but feels terrible afterwards. Deep down she wishes she had the courage to stop.

        Do you honestly think that Allah will not see any difference in these two women? Of course He will. Allah is The most Just. He knows everything that our hearts feel and He knows when we are under some sort of emotional pressure, He knows what each person's strengths and weaknesses are. Allah has made us weak, He causes us to sin so that we when we realise our sin, we will realise our weaknesses and humbly turn to Him and better ourselves.

        You have sinned. You have felt extreme remorse. You have repented. Now this is the time for you to accept Allah's promise to forgive and to move on. But you are allowing yourself to fall for Shaytan's trap of thinking Allah will not forgive. Allah is the Most Merciful and His Mercy overcomes His Anger.

        That this man did not marry you is not because you lacked in anything. This man is spiritually sick and has a disease of the heart. What can one expect from someone like him? You are a Muslim, you are fortunate that you have the knowledge that Allah promises to forgive but you are choosing to ignore this and hence disease your own heart further.

        Judgement Day is a Mercy for us all, because on this Day anyone who has been wronged in the slightest will recieve justice - Muslim and non Muslim included. Although you sinned - that is separate, you were still wronged by this man in many ways, so he will be accountable for that.

        If you are feeling guilty for your part in wronging your own soul, then this is where our gift of being able to do 'tawbah' comes in to play - as I have mentioned before.

        You are letting yourself be consumed by despair and this is wrong. You are also letting yourself be consumed by thoughts of will this man ever be punished for what he did. Allah sees all - He will do Justice. If this thought gives you no comfort at all, then sister, this pin points the biggest root of your problem, and that is: your lack of faith. The second you start actually believing that Allah really forgives the one who sincerely repents and that on the Day of Judgement He will do complete Justice, you will start feeling some comfort and peace in your heart.

        SisterZ Editor

    • As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sahar 22,

      I am really sorry to feel you so sad lately, sister, this is the time now to give up, and I mean literally to give up, submit to Allah(swt) those revenge feelings are taking a big toll from you, give it to Allah(swt), you need to let go and I do see you are not able alone, then let´s go, for a while let´s walk together, let´s go together to meet Allah(swt) to ask Him for forgiveness for yourself to be able to let this man go and don´t care about his punishment or his suffering, you can go further, insha´Allah.

      You have trained yourself during these four months to heal yourself, you have been carrying a lot, now it is normal you need time for yourself, you need support yourself, all of this is right and the strongest is the struggle deeper is the healing, that is why I believe you are going through the toughest part of your process and you will find a before and an after, once you trasspass this emotional blockage, that you need medication for a while to balance the quemistry of the body, don´t worry, will be just to get back to normal, insha´Allah.

      Sister Sahar, what would help you a lot would be to pray at night the surats 112, 113 and 114, and al fatiha, during the day have a dua in your mouth to reconnect you to Allah(swt) everytime you feel the strings to tight, you will feel this dua as a refreshing spring to your Heart and will help you to feel better insha´Allah.

      اللهم باعد بيني وبين خطاياي كما باعدت بين المشرق والمغرب اللهم نقني من خطاياي كما ينقى الثوب الأبيض من الدنس اللهم اغسلني من خطاياي بالثلج والماء والب
      Allahumma baa’id bayni wa bayna khataayaaya kama baa’adta bayna al-mashriqi wa’l-maghrib. Allahumma naqqini min khataayaaya kama yunaqqa al-thawb al-abyad min al-danas. Allaahumma ighsilni min khataayaaya bi’l-thalji wa’l-maa’i wa’l-barad.

      “O Allah, put a great distance between me and my sins, as great as the distance You have made between the East and the West. O Allah, cleanse me of sin as a white garment is cleansed from filth. O Allah, wash away my sins with snow and water and hail.” (Bukhari)
      In the first part, we are asking Allah (swt) to keep us far from the sins we have not committed yet. In the second part, we are asking Allah (swt) to cleanse us of those sins we did commit. And the third is greater, because we are asking Allah (swt) to purify us. The choice of the words “snow and water and hail” signifies being washed of our sins. The snow and the hail have a cooling effect, like the forgiveness from Allah of our sins.

      You know everything in your mind, you are conscious of everything, now all the information you have been collecting has to enter in your Heart shaped as a beautiful rainbow, little by little, let all this sparkles begin to tickle your Heart and help you to heal your wounds, my beloved Sister Sahar, you have done so much in such a little time, Masha´Allah. I do admire you deeply and I am really sorry not to know about your pain before to comfort you.

      During a big part of my life, I´ve been scared of predators myself, but has been a time where I have given up, I have forgiven and now I just see them, observe them from outside, recognize their process and say Alhamdulillah, my Lord I can see it from outside and help others to recognize the predators and help them to get out of their game and heal their wounds, this is part of your mission too; it is quite amazing to me that almost all the victims of predators wants to die, the lack of hope and reason to live, makes me stand up and tell you, your life is a blessing that nobody has the right to suck from you, then, Sister, when you are crying hopeless, go to the bathroom, wash your face, comb your hair, look at yourself in the mirrow and tell yourself: "My Lord (swt) you gave me Life, I honour You, honouring my Life, I love You beyond anything in this world, you move every single muscle of my body to honour You, I belong to You consciously from now on, I surrender to You." don´t worry if you still crying, wash your face again, comb your hair again, smile from your Heart, (Yes, you can do it), put yourself a nice fragance, dress comfortably and get out of your room, be with your family and live for the sake of Allah(swt) that is watching every step you take, Alhamdulillah.

      Related to your studies is normal, you are now saturated, take your time you will be back with renewal strength, insha´Allah.

      I do love you sister, but now it is time to be a bit tough on you, get up and move on, you can do it. You are stronger than you think, I see it, your family see it and everyone around you, than knows you, see it, Alhamdulillah.

      Sister, let´s go, I will be walking at your side while you need me, you know that, Alhamdulillah, insha´Allah.

      From Heart to Heart, all my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María Editor

    • My dear Sahar,

      Someone who does so much wrong, always realises, even Firaoun did.

      I'll email you

  23. Asalamoalaikum everyone,
    jazakAllah khair for all your help. It really means a lot to me. You all have become a support system for me and I want you to know that you all are helping me heal and inshAllah I am hopeful that one day I will overcome this tough journey.

    @Brother A Muslim Man:
    You are right brother. These types of men do not feel remorse for what they have done. That’s what hurts me so much; knowing that fact that he treated me so ill and dishonoured me in front of my family, and still he feels no regret for doing all this to me. He knows what he’s taken from me and how I would always beg him to cover me but instead he exposed me and threw me away. JazakAllah khair for your advice. It really gave me some assurance that I’m not entirely the “bad” one, he holds some credit here also.

    @Sister Maria: JazakAllah khair sister. You are absolutely right; I need to surrender to Allah swt 100%. I think it’s about time I give up on this battle and just collapse infront of him and say I give up, you NEED to help me I have no more strength to fight back. I will definitely recite the duaa you have posted and please do remember me in your duaas. I am going through a tough time again, although I was much better a few weeks prior.

    @SisterZ: jazakAllah khair for all your advice. You are right. This guy has an unsound heart and it’s not me that’s the problem, it’s him. I just need to drill this into my head and stop blaming myself for what he did to me. I feel like this is an abusive cycle that I’m going through. I keep thinking it’s because of me that he treated me and discarded me. A lot of the time abusers make you feel this way and you end up blaming yourself when in reality it’s them who are in the wrong. I have e-mailed you back also.

    May Allah swt bless you all on IA who have given me so much care, respect, love and most importantly hope to stand up again and move on. You all have made a huge difference in my life!


    • Walaykum as salam, Sister Sahar,

      I do have you in my duas, Alhamdulillah. Keep going my beloved sister. I trust Allah(swt) will guide you to do the best in every step you take, insha´Allah.

      Your energy brings to me the sight of a beautiful spring morning, fresh, warm and with a nice mixture of fragrant flowers just blooming at the touch of the first sunrays, always remember that even in the hardest times you can bloom yourself consciously to the Light and allow yourself to get the Love, Compassion and Mercy our Lord(swt) has for us, Alhamdulillah.

      You are a strong, intuitive and sensitive woman, Masha´Allah. I know you will do your best, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      If you need me, you know I´ll be with you, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

      Jazak Allahu Khair. Barak Allah Feek.

      From Heart to Heart,

      María Editor

  24. Asalamoalaikum,
    It has been some that I’ve written here but I am feeling the need to. You all have been my support system when I couldn’t share my feelings with anyone else, jazakAllah khair for that.

    It’s been 6 months post break up and I have slowly begun integrating into my life. Alhumdulillah, by the mercy of Allah swt my academic life is much better than before (something I thought wouldn’t happen) and I’m trying my best to stay strong and not give up. But this journey has been tough.

    I try not to think too much into the future but I can’t help but feel hopeless. I’m so scared of what is to come tomorrow (as I’m no longer a virgin) and every time I think what if I get exposed and my husband divorces me? I know I shouldn’t think of anything, just leave it to Allah swt but it’s easier said than done. I have tried this, but every time I think if this were to happen, the shame my family would endure, I just can’t bear that.

    What upsets me so much is that when I did loose my virginity I didn’t bleed, but my body physically felt different before loosing. Out of respect, I don’t want to explain what that means exactly, but I could feel the difference physically when I was a virgin and now that I am not one. I felt some barrier (even though I never bled) but now it’s nothing. I keep trying to tell myself maybe I’ll bleed once I get married but that’s highly unlikely as I didn’t even the first time. I don’t know, I’m just going paranoid thinking of all this.

    I felt like e-mailing my ex today just to tell him what he put me through and how he has ruined my life but then I stopped and thought, what will I get out of this? Will it change things, will it make a difference, if I’m expecting an apology that’s highly unlikely, if I’m expecting regret and remorse for inflicting me with this pain, that’s also highly unlikely, and it’s not like after e-mailing him I’ll get my virginity back, so I never sent it.

    Brothers and sisters, it’s been 6 months and I thought things would eventually get better, but they are not. I still feel the void, and I still miss him. I don’t know what to do. Today I actually thought of maybe saving some money and getting a hymenoplasty surgery performed so that at least on my wedding night I bleed. But then I know that’s not right, or can I do that if I’m in so much pain and so afraid of what is going to happen in the future?

    What angers me so much is that even when I did loose my virginity I didn’t bleed but my ex would always say he felt something covering it (despite that he accused me of not being a virgin because I didn’t bleed). What if my husband does the same? If one person can do it, why can’t another? I have never done any rigorous activity that can rupture my hymen, except for bike riding and gymnastics (just a couple of times) and I know I would have lost it as I would have bled when the incident would have occurred.

    I was sexually abused by our neighbour’s son when I was very young and he ejaculated on me. I don’t remember if he raped me because I was too young to remember but I do have some flashes. I think that maybe if my husband asks me why I didn’t bleed that I can say that I was sexually abused and this may be the result of that? I think that would be honest as I’m not lying because I didn’t bleed when I lost my virginity so technically I’m not lying as to why I didn’t bleed (so saying I didn’t bleed because I lost my virginity doesn’t apply to me as I didn’t bleed when I had lost it either).

    What should I do? I swear by Allah I’m so upset and these thoughts constantly keep running through my mind: what if I get caught, what if he divorces me, what will be family say, what will happen to my life, etc.

    Another thing that has been eating me inside out for some time now is that when I went to get my STI test done, the doctor informed me that I should return within 6 months to have my pap test done to detect any traces of cervical cancer. After my first experience, I can’t gather the strength to go again and have this test performed. The first time it was so painful and I bled very little and I don’t just don’t want to go there again.

    I just want to be at rest now. This guy has taken so much away from me and he probably thinks I have moved on and I don’t even think of him. Little does he know that I’m paining everyday because of him. Please help me.

    • Walaykum as salam, my beloved sister Sahar,

      Alhamdulillah, you have opened your Heart to us, may Allah(swt) make me worth of your trust, insha´Allah.

      My beloved Sister, future is your now, focused in your tomorrow, this way you don´t have now and the tomorrow will be created using faded energy, just day dreamings in this case nightmares, get out of that cloud of dust and begin from cero again, stay firm on your now, knowing consciously, Allah(swt) is with you, Alhamdulillah.

      With this I mean, be the woman you are called to be now, when a disturbing thought comes to you and follows you, look for refuge on Allah(swt) from the whisperings, and concentrate yourself in what it is really important, Insha´Allah.

      About the hymen, let it be, you have to accept what happened to you, nobody knows how to be abused so little could affect your subconscious and how it directed to the present you have now, but now what we know it is that if you accept your past, this will lead you to a healthy future, insha´Allah, but if you don´t you will be struggling with lies in the middle and these lies will be stones in your path.

      I believe in concealing our sins with Allah(swt) and how if your past is discovered by your husband after marriage how can destroy a marriage, but we know too that this can be solved avoiding those that consider virginity as a very important matter. I have one question for you, would you mind to marry a man that has been with other women? would you ask any men for a STD test? Our brother a Muslim man was requested to do one, I think that it is a good idea as well for men as for women, we have seen so many problems with men and women that were suposed to be clean and after marriage have given problems to their spouses.

      Sister, instead of being prey of fear, why don´t you choose to put your feet on earth and stop feeling as a victim and begin to build up a reasonable situation for your future possible spouses, you talk as you will find a man free from sin, Insha´Allah you do and Insha´Allah he accepts you, but can happen that the man you choose it is not a man free from sin, How would you differenciate? How would you know? There is no way of knowing, and if you ask him for an STD test, he can ask for one to you, fare, and if questions raise, just let him go. I understand some people may feel insulted by the request, but you know after you have one of these illnesses, the damage is done, and we have an easy way to, at least try to avoid the biggest damage, insha´Allah, and we have seen that we have no human way to know if someone is being truthful or not, both sides, reading the experiences shared here.

      I hope you have understand that I don´t see hymen issue as the problem you do, many men (pure) wouldn´t mind to marry a divorcee lady, why do you think these men wouldn´t mind to marry a woman that was abused, that has repented and has try to be straight from the depths of her Heart, Alhamdulillah. I see hope and what you see are fears, build up your self steem, you are a muslimah and Allah(swt) is listening to you, give everything the right importance and what it is important here is yourself and your bond to Him, He(swt) knows the best for you, trust He (swt) does know and your Peace will return and the shadows of fear will dissappear, insha´Allah.

      About the man that helped you to be where you are now, you want to move on with your life, I tell you that he doesn´t deserve not even a thought from you, unless it is to forgive him. And the man that abuse you the same, forgive him, and Insha´Allah, let go both of them.

      Ask Allah(swt) to help you to forgive yourself, my sweetgirl once you stay firm on straight Path, once you feel the wamth of the Love of Allah(swt) in your Heart, you won´t have this kind of doubts, just a bit more, you have done a great progress in this six months, Alhamdulillah.

      Go to other doctor if this one is rude, you shouldn´t feel pain. It happened to me the same, I thought it was normal to suffer, but I had to change of doctor and this time; I didn´t have any pain, just I felt a bit uncomfortable, and I asked her, did you do everything? she said yes, I couldn´t help but crying, I had suffered so much in silence, thinking that was normal. Anyway, I understand you, go when you feel comfortable about it, ask first for other doctors, and give yourself the time you need, you have been very brave already, masha´Allah.

      You know this is just my personal opinion, take it with a pinch of salt.

      María Editor

      • All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support, from Heart to Heart,

        María Editor

        • MashaAllah, how nicely you handle those sufferings with kind and gentle words and hope.
          May Allah bless you for all your efforts .
          And Sister Sahar May Allah ease your pain and give you strength and hope Inshallah . Ameen

    • Dear Sahar,

      I agree with what Maria has said.

      Apart from all that though, Sahar you never mentioned that you were raped as a child. This is serious and it seems as though you have been suffering in silence for years. Does anyone know about this?

      SisterZ Editor

      • JazakAllah khair sister Maria,

        Your post gave me some hope and I am trying my very best to proceed ahead with my life but I’m just going through so much right now. On top, I’ve had constant family issues for some time now, my parents just don’t get along and this has taken a toll on me and now I’m erupting.

        Day by day things are getting worse for my family and I. I cry a lot because I honestly have no one to share my problems with. I feel hurt, angered, and ashamed—a mixed variety of emotions and now I’ve been thinking of booking an appointment with one of the counsellors at my University to just vent and release my pain.

        I will be honest, for some time now I’ve stopped salat again and I do feel a difference—a negative one. I again feel anger towards Allah swt (I used to feel this way before my ex came in my life) and I want this to stop. I feel life has been really unfair with me. I’m not trying to victimize myself but I do believe that one can endure only so much and I’m at my peaks now.

        First I experienced sexual abuse which affected me so much, then I grow up in a dysfunctional family where my parents had a cold war going on and now my ex in addition to more family issues. I think a lot about suicide and last night I even attempted to go through with it but I stopped only realizing that what do I have to offer to Allah swt before I die, that I should repent because I don’t know if I will be forgiven or not. I never knew life could be this tough, some people have it so easy while others are destined for life long suffering.

        I will try to remain optimistic though, but I think a better solution for me is to live day by day and make no future planning because my future seems very bleak. In addition, I’m trying to kill all my hopes for the future I once had, a happy marriage, a good career, etc. I just want to accept reality for the way it is, maybe I’m just not destined for these bounties and that’s okay I guess. I can’t change my destiny so it’s better to accept it than to throw a temper tantrum about it.

        Lastly, SisterZ I was sexually abused/ attempted rape when I was 3 and a half and the only person who knows this is my mother. I developed depression and OCD at 8 because of this and did undergo hypnosis and psychotherapy. I am a lot better now alhumdulillah and because this incident happened to me at such a young age I don’t remember all of it, thank Allah—I only have some flashes. And I don’t even remember the person’s face so if he were to come in front of my face today I would have no clue that he is the one who tried to rape me.

        I do apologize for the rather pessimistic post, I’ve just been in the dumps lately but I have made the intention to resume with my salat and the rest is up to Allah swt. At the end of the day all these materialistic things we desire won’t be with us in our grave except for our good and bad deeds. I guess I should think more about my akhirat than this world; it’ll give me some hope inshAllah.

        • Sister sahar,
          I wish you were infront of me and gave you a big hug and wiped your tears. I m not in your shoes but I can totally feel the pain you must be going through. Sister, please don't commit suicide and remain n think positive like you are doing right now. I know things are easy to say then done. Just surrender yourself to Allah n pray that my Lord, I need your help. Only you are my guidance and strength. Without you I am nothing. Help me please because I am not able to take this pain anymore. You only know my good and my bad and my past, present and future. Please, guide me and help me because I don't see what you see. Help me heal my wounds. Insha'Allah He will heal your wounds.
          You are right in not thinking about the future because no one knows what our future will be. Let the past go sister because as much as you dwell on it.. It will haunt you. Trust me I am talking it from my own experience. I know the pain, the fear will always be there with you but isn't it good Atleast it will help you in forming any Bad relationship further.
          I love you sister from the bottom of my heart and I pray for your well being. May Allah (swt) heal you wounds sooner. Be strong sister.
          If I have said anything wrong please forgive me.

        • As salamu alaykum my beloved sister Sahar,

          Thank you very much for sharing with us and letting us so close to your Heart, may Allah(swt) may me worth of your trust, insha´Allah.

          Time passes by and you may feel that you are stepping backwards, but, in fact, it is the opposite, you are day by day, stepping forward, now you know the difference between doing your salat or not, between trusting Allah(swt) and the opposite, you had created memories in these six months that now are calling you back to the straight Path, Alhamdulillah. Your cells know already that even when it is so painful many times, we have to live our life as a blessing, because it gives us the possibility of filling our hands with good deeds to show to Allah(swt) at the end of our lifes, Insha´Allah.

          We are a family, you are my sister, I care about you, if your Heart calls me to be for you, I will be, Insha´Allah. You are a shining Light for many, Masha´Allah, me included.

          You know the sweetness of Allah(swt), tell him about your annoyance and all the confidences you need to talk about, be sure, He(swt) listens all, Alhamdulillah, be sure He (swt) will answer you, and He(swt) will, Insha´Allah.

          You have had a stop in your walk because you needed to solve all these unsolved issues, now you acknowledge all the problems between your parents, family and your own problems, Alhamdulillah, but I would like to give you an advice, therapy is good, but you have to see results, positive results, you have to learn how to accept and digest what it is going on in your life, learn healthy tools to deal with it and at a certain point, you have to be able to stop digging in your past, this would be the sign to know you are done with the therapy for a while, Insha´Allah.

          My sweetgirl, the hard times with your family will have an end, take it as a test, practice to be in silence when they are angry, to be for them in a nice, sweet, soft voice when they claim for you, pray for them, mention Allah(swt) as much as you can, love them, take the most little opportunity to say: I love you, you are important to me, I respect you, I care about you, I am thankful to you,... and if you feel the heat growing in your body, Bismillah, go to do wudu and try to cool down, we have to learn to deal with fire and once we know how to deal with it,we have to learn to extinguish it, Insha´Allah.

          We all go through tough times, you know it perfectly, when we go through good times we have to work harder to mantain ourselves close to Allah(swt) this way when tough times come it will be a habit and it will be easier to get out of the hole, Alhamdulillah.

          Just one thing related to your parents, be ready because your change will change them, you may see the sparkle of love wake up between them after a while, Insha´Allah.

          Yes, better not to make plans, if you have an exam, study to have the best results, but without expecting them, be thankful you can study and the same for all the aspects of life, be here and now, time for salat, time for salat, time to study, time to study, time to enjoy family, time to be with friends, time to practice sports, time to .........this all sum up will create your future, and you won´t even notice it, that you grow up, that people around you grow up, that new situations will appear, new tests, new blessings,... this is life. We know we are here now, only Allah(swt) knows all.

          From Heart to Heart,


  25. Asalamoalaikum everyone,
    jazakAllah khair for being so kind and nurturing with me. I read all of your replies a few days back but wanted it to sink in me before I replied.

    The past couple of days had been tough on me but now I’m slowly starting to get better again, alhumdulillah. It’s just in those darkest moments where I feel no hope that I write to you all and seem rather pessimistic but in general I’m not that far off—I am and have been healing, alhumdulillah.

    I don’t give a rats behind about this guy, honestly. He means nothing to me and although I may feel for him due to what I gave him, it doesn’t infer that I respect him or want him back—never. He’s nothing but a pile of dirt and I’ve walked out of his life long time a go.

    It’s not him that I miss or the old times that make me want to cry (at times though this is the case) but more so the after damage effects he piled up for me and left me to endure in addition to the cunning lies he created to make a fool out of me. But, I’m a strong girl and won’t let him pull me down. What makes me strong and tells me that I can walk through these dark, gloomy nights is that I never turned back to him once—he told my family he never wanted to “hear from me or see my face again” and these words gave me the ego boost I needed. I decided if that's what he really wanted then that's what he'd get. He will never see or hear from me again. And if I can stay this strong, undergo those STI tests by myself, with the help of Allah swt and you all then I can live my life without him. In fact, I am living my life without him and I have enough bounties to be thankful over, alhumdulillah. My future is bright and I know that with all my hard work, I will get the fruitful result inshAllah.

    I want to thank each and every one of you for giving me hope even when I felt I lost this battle.

    May Allah swt bless you all for the endless effort, time and help you give me and others on this website, ameen.

    • My dear Sahar,

      You are strong and you can get through. I've seen you be strong for other people and in doing so, I've seen an inner strength in you too. You are going through a cycle of emotion which will ease away with time. With time and faith in the Deen of Allah, they will be replaced with something better. One day, you will look back on this difficult time you are going through, but you will be looking from a different point of standing. You will have left these feelings behind and you will be stronger and closer to Allah.

      My dear sweet sister, internal pain can only be eased by the sweetness of eemaan. Read about the strong women of our deen, the beautiful Khadija(ra), she was the supporting back bone of our beloved Rasul(sws), she supported him through thick and thin; she(ra) believed in him when he(sws) did not even yet believe in himself; she mothered his children, helped him financially etc. Then our darling little Aisha(ra), she was our Rasul(sws)'s joy and fun. All the wives of Rasul(sws) had little time with him(sws) between his dawah work, battles, travelling, yearly itikhaafs etc, but they stayed with him because he was such a good pious God fearing man - their patience allowed the Prophet(sws) to be able to carry out his calling to Islam. They didnt nag him or complain about not spending time with him, or about lack of food or clothes. They were a team. I am telling you this, because I want you to read about the women around the Prophet(sws) and aspire to be like them. I want their characters to give you something to look up to and I want their relationships with Rasul(sws) to be something you look for in your own future marriage. I want you to leave behind all that has gone by and look forward my dear young sister - because you can be something special. If we are with Allah, we are pure. Leave the past and look forward Sahar - you have so much to offer.

      SisterZ Editor

  26. salam brothers and sisters,
    im sat here crying while reading all your posts. i pray that Allah gives you strength to move on from the pain you are going through.
    sisters, i need some help... im 25 years old. over a year ago i met a man who just blew me away. he was 7 years older than me, very successful (mashaAllah) and spoke of how i was his ideal companion. within a month of me and him talking, he asked to meet my dad and ask for my hand in marriage. it was all too good to be true, i was so happy. our families met and the engagement was official. however, i started noticing changes in him, but i always made reasons and justifications for them. his business was his number one priority, i never got involved or got in the way, we lived over 100miles apart and it was always me who drove up to see him. he made no effort with me what so ever. i try to talk to him (we talk only when he calls, i never called him as i didnt want to get in the way of his work) but he NEVER spoke back, i tried and tried with him, that it became 'moaning and nagging'. he's been married before, it was an arranged marriage, so the fact that he chose me himself confuses me as to why he gave me no attention or made any effort what so ever...why did he lead me on? i was never allowed to talk about marriage, or about setting a date! he would never even try to make me happy with kind words, he is a wealthy guy, i didnt want his gifts, only nice words...but even that was too hard for him. my family have called the engagement off now, and he has made no effort to try and fight for me, infact its what he wanted. i feel so rejected and hurt. people breakup because of a reason.... what is the reason for this breakup? i did everything i can to make him and his family happy.... yet it seems like he's content with his single life, being successful, having flashy cars and hanging out with celebs! it gets me so angry when he uses the excuse "we arent compatible"...he didnt even try!!!!! i came accross the page while googling "in islam, what is the punishment for a broken heart?".... i too am finding myself bitter and wanting him to hurt the way he hurt me. i have dont absolutely nothing to deserve this. im the one sat here crying my eyes out trying to find answers out while he is out there getting on with his life like nothing has ever happened. will he be punished? im sat here in tears, so please excuse me if this post makes no sense or is confusing. he is chasing the dunya, not realising that there is more to life than flashy cars and being "famous".... will Allah swt punish him for what he has done to me? im in such a mess, i cant even pick myself up to face God and pray.... im so hurt and angry, why has Allah put me through this? i didnt deserve it!
    im fasting and praying in this holy month but im finding no inner peace.... im just an empty shell. please advise and help me. jazaakum Allah khair.

    • reema, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll try to advise you Insha'Allah. We do have questions waiting, so it's only fair that we take them in turn. Thanks.

      Wael Editor

  27. Dear Sister
    Extremely sorry for the pain you are going through. I would say I have been to the exactly same situation myself so I can completely understand the agony. It took me over 5 years to heal to such a large extent all thanks to Allah (SWT) like yourself I tried to overdose on anti depressants twice but still managed to survive, all thanks to Allah (SWT). I have read through your posts and I am happy to see you are slowly recovering. Allah is The Merciful and Most Gracious, Inshallah he will forgive you as your repent sincerely. Very nice to see the wonderful advice shared by brothers and sisters here.

    Dear Sister Reema, I relate to your pain and sometimes we have several questions to which we dont find answers yet. Maybe this is a trial Allah (SWT) has put forward infront of you to make you come closer to him. Perhaps this man was never good for you to begin with. From what I know on the Day of Judgement when we are raised our hearts will talk for what resides in them, its up to make sure it isn't: grudges, anger and discontent. You must think its easier said than done but I have come across alot of guys who only used me, my feelings and vulnerable state (after the guy 5 years ago who left me shattered) to their own advantage to the point where I am put off with the whole idea of marriage itself but am still trying. I am trying to get rid of resentment myself. I can say offer Salat on time, learn more about your Deen, read the Quran, repent sincerely. Allah (SWT) - His Mercy is far greater than our sins. Please have faith

    Jazakallah Khair for everyone's comments


  28. Listen sister wen I read ur story I even cried bcoz I was bout to do with my wife like that which I love her the most I even kicked her out of my house but in a week I realized I was so wrong bout her she cried on that day so much n she was begging to have her in my life but still I said to leave me n after a week I said sorry to her n we r together n I love her the most , guys please pray for me that my relationship never end up like this n yea dun worry got is great he,ll punish by god soon very soon n im sure 1 he is gonna come n start begging to forgive him n on that its up to u u,ll forgive him or not I,ll pray for u to find a good looking rich n he loves u more than every1 I kno it take time but u gonna find that person inshallah.....

  29. After reading your story, tears fill my eyes. I wonder how can a independent young lady like you be tricked by a devil. I feel your pain and suffering, i wish time could be changed. But unfortunately it cannot, so i advise you sister to seek Allah's forgiveness and try to forget the past. I know this is going to be hard my beautiful sister but by Allah's will everything will pass. Remember one thing sister, this is surely a test from Allah so fear not and be patient. Your story has really touched me greatly and my eyes shed tears while my heart sheds blood. InshAllah with time everything will pass, hold in there and know that as a sister i feel your pain and cry...

  30. I'm in full tears because this is exactly what happened to me, it's like you were writing my life not yours. The only difference is I was married before and got divorced. This guy does exactly what had happened to you, he look at other women and call me fat and old , he spent the nights outside, if I get fed up and want to leave he kick me so hard that I cannot stand straight. I ran away many times he keep coming back , he is a manipulator who doesn't let me breath or see my family or friends unless in his terms. I thought of suicide lately but I fear the eternal punishment of Allah, I tried to repent and go to Allah he wouldn't let me and accused me that am a bitch and want to do that because I want to sleep with other guys. Or that I was a slut before I met him so I can't pretend to be a good Muslim and that am bad way before he entered my life, he drinks excessivley and I feel so destroyed in this 6 years old relation, initially I wanted a man to look after me and thought it was him, he is nothing but an abusive manipulator. I pray every night for God to take my soul I can't take it anymore. I lost feelings for anything, I can't miss or like anyone , I have no soul anymore , I have no confidence , I hate men and have phobia from them and if any man tried to talk to me I would scream at him,he always accuse me of cheating and I wish to become strong and beat the hell out of him the same way he did to me . I fear that I might really end my life... I don't think I can endure this toxic pain anymore.

  31. I've gone through emotional abuse with a Muslim guy before. It got so bad I thought about suicide. I know how hard it is to let go. He treated me like dirt for two years then after promising to marry me, dumped me for his Afghan girl. It's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Just give yourself time to heal.

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