Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Controlling fiancé

I am to be married in a month and few weeks, and I talk to my fiance on the phone... I realized that when he marries me he is going to control me so much, as he already started telling me what I should not do.

He is not a good muslim himself  i.e does not pray 5 times  and  has commited zinaa. Am I to follow what he commands?

He says I should not pluck my eye-brows and he wants me to be covering my face when I go out and I agreed to this because I do not like arguing.

He owns 4 cell phones and he is still in contact with his ex girlfriends and he tells me they are just friends. I ask him to stop talking to them when we are married but he does not agree with me.

What do I do? I can't ask anything from him but he wants to control everything I do. I am scared my marriage won't work out.

- rahmaamer

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12 Responses »

  1. AsSalaamuAlaykum,

    Dear sister. I would advise you to run, not walk, away from this man. If he is already trying to control you as you say, as well as staying in contact with other women, I advise you refuse his proposal and walk away from this relationship. There are better, more religious Muslim men that would be a better fit. Maybe talk to your trusted imam?

  2. Dearest Sister

    Life under the hand of another's control is a miserable life indeed. No, you do not have to obey him- but controlling people do not care whether it is their right to control their wives or no - they will do it regardless of religion, culture and other things. Controlling behaviour is not an Islamic quality, it is a universal, global "sign of a man who will make you suffer" quality.

    Giving in to people to "prevent an argument" is not a good way to live your life, if you agree to something with your tounge and disagree in your heart then you are being dishonest and leading this man to believe that his ever command is just fine by you, when actually it's not. So I would strongly recommend that you hold you ground on what you believe, what you expect and have the argument.

    Arguments are not all bad things - some arguments can be incredibly healthy, some arguments are very necessary so do not fear them.

    You are currently responsible for your future, at this moment in time, you can actually change it. Think carefully of what you are committing your life to, and know that there are plenty of very good men out there who treat their wives like princesses and love their every flaw and feature, without feeling the need to control them.

    Peace,
    L

  3. consider yourself lucky, since you not married do not go through with this.

    peace..........

  4. Salam,

    Sister, as a muslim brother I hate when guys aim to control girls. Tell your parents everything about him and his 4 cell phones including his ex. Tell them that he aims to control you by now. Get as many family members involved to make sure they are all on your side. If some of your family members are not open minded, then bring in verse from quran that states that women should gain permission to choose their husband (something like that...can't remember which surah it is).

    Let me know how it goes.

    Mr. R

  5. A'alykum,

    to be honest i am glad to have muslim brothers and sisters to talk to.

    I use to always give in but last night i had the courage to tell him what i wanted in a man and do not want him to control my every doing... To my surprise he agreed to let go of the cell phones and his ex. but he told me that he does not want to marry a girl who plucked her eye brows and that i should not, he also mentioned that if i do not he would also try his best to be a proper muslim... i was speachless. i am getting married on the 10th July

    I did tell my mother and sisters about his behaviours but the response was that all men are like that and that after i am married to him i would be able
    to change him.

  6. A'alykum,

    to be honest i am glad to have muslim brothers and sisters to talk to.

    I use to always give in but last night i had the courage to tell him what i wanted in a man and do not want him to control my every doing... To my surprise he agreed to let go of the cell phones and his ex. but he told me that he does not want to marry a girl who plucked her eye brows and that i should not, he also mentioned that if i do not he would also try his best to be a proper muslim... i was speachless. i am getting married on the 10th July

    I did tell my mother and sisters about his behaviours but the response was that all men are like that and that after i am married to him i would be able
    to change him.

    • Being a good Muslim should not be dependant on another person's behaviour.

      Leave your eyebrows and he will transform into a good Muslim? Hmm...

      May Allah be with you Sis,

      SisterZ

  7. Assalamu alaikum,

    Think about what you are doing. This man is telling you that if you change your ways then he will change his. Meaning, if you stop plucking your eyebrows then he will try to be a better Muslim?Hmmmmmm.... He is the one with the problem but he just told you that if you stop your behaviour then he will change. As SisterZ said, "Being a good Muslim should not be dependant on another person's behaviour". It sounds to me that he is telling you exactly what you want to hear.

    You should be looking for a good practicing Muslim. There are plenty of good men looking to get married. Don't think that after marrying him he will change. You cannot change someone. He has to be willing to change himself.

    If he is controlling now, what do you expect from him once you are his wife.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali

  8. red flags! do not go through with this guy unless you want a miserable life. he is not going to change. he is talking to girls, commit zina, and controlling. does he have a tantrum? does he get m,ad at small things? does he disrespect you/your feelings? is he controlling about small unessecerray things like what to eat? wear? do? how you do things. if yes, then S T O P. he might hange eventually but not completely. if you two re engaged, you still have time. ask his cousins what he iséwas like. are they scared of him. does he like to press his opinion. i mean investigate him, his personality, you bcan do personality quizes on your guy online or go to library and search books about abuasive relationships. if he is abusive, leave, donèt ruin your life. you cant live with someone who has no respect for you.

  9. assalamu alaikkum sister
    please never ever marry that person and suffer later.once i was in the same situation as you.but i married and now i suffer.but in my case my husband was better than your fiance.but still i suffer.i could never believe my husband and he never pray but scold me and control me in everything i do.i cry all the days and som times i misslead by him and i fear about my eemaan.you are at a important stage in your life.don't marry him and spoil not only this life but also the life after death

  10. salaam sister.i just read your post and its similar to my story.Before I got married my husband said cover yourself up and pray etc which i did at that time and allhamdullulah I still do but the big problem started after i got married.he turned in to a total control freak.my every move he controled and at that time i was in a domestic violence relationship so i feared him alot so agreeded with everthing he said.He cheated on me like so many times but i forgave him and had come back to him because i loved him but today i think that was the biggest mistake of my life.Im not happy with him but i love him to much to call it quits.but you sister are not married yet so don't make that decision because im talking from experience.If he controls you now imagine once your married.All you will hear is im your husband and you have to listen to me no matter what .pls sister don't marry this guy. you'll just fell helpless..........

  11. salam walaikum sister in islam how they say engagement is not in islam when u officially nikkah then its called marriage if he has done several things and doesnt care about u have told him alot of times and if he doesnt care abt islam nor doesnt pray 5 times a day. in every realationship the male and female both should go throught life together and by the way he has no right on you what so ever and he cannot judge you that way and you have tried your best to change him... if it doesnt work out you deserve a better muslim guy that firstly cares about hes religion ISLAM and be a good finacee' inshallah dont worry about t dua for SWT allah's help thts your only and final option gud luck sister inshallah u will find happiness and peaceful life 🙂

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