Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is in debt and is very controlling

Asalamu Alaikum

leaves floating, falling into pieces, falling apart

Dear Brothers and Sisters in islam, my problem's started six years ago when I married a man who was a lot more religous than I was, after alot of tragedy in my life i came to the conclusion that I needed to marry a man who would fear Allah and understand what a muslim marriage was all about, after refusing a few offers of marriage i met someone through a family friend, He was straight to the point and he told me what he wanted in a wife and i told him that as long as he could provide and look after a family and he was ready for the responsibility then fine with me, after a few phone calls and one meeting with people present i told my father he did some research and talked to him over the phone and asks me again if i was sure i told him that i was, well here is where the trouble starts from the very beginning of are married life he would asks me for money first it was a small amount and then more and more and more.

He was up to his eye balls in debt and I borrowed from my father bother cousins just to keep a roof over are heads I did not tell them what the money was for, when i lived with my father he would put money in my account every month to run the house hold, my dad kept doing that the first year of my marriage, within a few months it was all getting to much for me but it was to late I was pregnant so i had to give it more time, he did not work only a few hours a week driving a taxi and he hated doing that because he would have to drive drunk people home so he stopped that, and then he was out for work untill my son was born my family bought everything for me and the baby.

He worked as a bus driver but after 10 months was told to quit because he wanted to prey every salat in the mosque and he would just take a break when he wanted to, he does not work till this day and cant provide for me and my children, i cant leave my children with him and go out because he says he needs to pray in the mosque every salat, he says that i am stopping him from his deen, he is also very controlling wont let me drive wont let my sons go to school so i home school him i feel trapped i dont no what to do my father and brothers are very calm people but they have spoken to him but nothing is changing plz help me out.


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6 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    May Allah ease the situation in your life and that of your family.

    You should tell your husband that it is not "compulsory" to pray for men in a "mosque" only. Of course, it is a place wherein Allah's name is oft mentioned, so we should not leave it deserted if we live or work near a mosque and we have a "CHANCE" to pray in mosque yet we avoid walking up to it and pray at home or office. If it is within reach and we have chance to pray in mosque then we should not desert the mosques.

    For us Muslims, all clean places of the world are a place of prayers - salaat. We can pray in the park, on a separate space even on a clean roadside, we can put musalla and pray anywhere Alhamdulillaah.

    When I am at work for marketing at offices of Hindu clients and it is prayer time, I pray in their offices my fard prayers. So there is no harm in praying in between work and it would hardly take 5 to 10 mins to do so.

    We have to be Fundamentalists, sticking to the fundamentals of Islam, if we leave them, we go astray, but we should not be Fanatics, as fanaticism ruins the essential values required in a person to carry on living with his religion without making it hard for himself to practice it.

    Hence, he should act like a fundamentalist and not a fanatic. The fundamental is to "pray" on time as Allah says in Surah An Nisaa "103. When ye have performed the act of worship, remember Allah, standing, sitting and reclining. And when ye are in safety, observe proper worship. Worship at fixed hours hath been enjoined on the believers."

    Also He praises those who establish worship and pray on time:

    37. Men whom neither merchandise nor sale beguileth from remembrance of Allah and constancy in prayer and paying to the poor their due; who fear a day when hearts and eyeballs will be overturned;
    38. That Allah may reward them with the best of what they did, and increase reward for them of His bounty. Allah giveth blessings without stint to whom He will.
    - Surah An Nuur.

    The fundamental to catch from here is : Pray on time, and Alhamdulillaah, our prayer times are not of " 5 to 10 mins", Fajr begins from darkness of the night leaving until the light sky that appears due to first rays of the sun, dhuhr last long enough to pray from the sun's declining to the afternoon and asr too has enough time to be prayed, so during work hours, Alhamdulillaah a person can perform prayers between these hours. Even magrib is long from setting of the sun to the appearance of the night and Isha begins from the setting of the night , means the night's coming, until late night, so Alhamdulillaah, the hours are enough to take out 5 mins to 10 mins in between and pray, Alhamdulillaah.

    His excuses are due to lack of sticking to fundamentals of Islam, he is over stressing in religion and when one does something which unsettles his life activities it is sooner or later going to give him troubles and more troubles.

    If he loves to pray all 5 times at mosque, Alhamdulillaah, he should find employment for himself in a near by place where he is allowed by his boss to pray in the mosque.

    Now the second point, does Allah say pray 5 times and ask money from your wife, in laws from her side and stop earning for her and providing for her because you should come five times to mosque?

    Islam is a clear path, no crookedness and hypocrisy in Islam becomes way too easy to be witnessed by people. So this behavior of praying and not providing for the family and increasing debts is not an Islamic behavior.

    Allah says in Surah Baqarah:

    233. Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provided that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do.

    You should arrange for direct or indirect meetings of him with a Sheikh of sound mind and intellect who could give fundamental advices about Islamic duties of a married man as well as in general and also help him be a fundamentalist and not a fanatice to ease his practice of Islam.

    Sister, teachings are in plenty, what is required is implementation of those teachings. The Prophet (peace be upon him) preached the Qur'an but what made him different from others was his practice of the Qur'an in his own life. This made him the best believer and removed every shade of hypocrisy from him, because he practiced what he preached.

    2. O ye who believe! why say ye that which ye do not?
    3. It is most hateful in the sight of Allah that ye say that which ye do not.
    - Surah As Saff.

    Sometimes I feel like doing a big sin by coming on this website and giving preachings because I myself at times fail to practice them. But I turn to Allah in repentance quickly and try to preach and practice as much as I can and Sister, please pray to Allah that He helps me to continue this. The Message of Allah has to be proclaimed and so we should not stop from delivering it, but we should also practice it in our lives, so that we do not fall in to "hypocrisy" and hyprocrites never prosper and people would follow a leader only when he acts the way he wants his followers to act. This is the sign of one who leads with success, that he begins and is ready to make the efforts which he wants his people to do in their lives as well.

    Sister, you may live your Islamic life, increase your knowledge and practice and Insha Allah, Allah would make you a positive example for those who ward off evil from themselves. Insha Allah, this would open up the eyes of your husband as well, looking at your commitment to Islam.

    Sometimes we need good friends, good advisors, and we wish: Would that I had some guidance, I would not have done so. May be that guide for your husband could be you by the permission of Allah, who knows? Only Allah knows.

    Sister, a believer is one who is patient in whatever befalls him, he is a true believer. A believer also acts as Allah wants him to act, he reads, understands, remembers and acts upon the revelations of Allah. A foolish person is one who suffers and does not seek help of Allah nor follow his revelations which take him out of those troubles.

    You may try to look up for someone from his side whom he would listen to, someone genuinely interested in helping you solve this problem and a similar person from your side.

    35. And if ye fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah An Nisaa.

    You should also try to work yourself by consulting him in kindness in personal communication with him and try to achieve terms of peace with him and get him to work and pay of debts by making him understand the situation, Insha Allah.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogetheraway (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    - Surah An Nisaa.

    If after this, you are still not able to find peace and you think life can be better without him, then you may at last seek a separation from him by divorce.

    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.
    131. Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth And We charged those who received the Scripture before you, and (We charge) you, that ye keep your duty toward Allah. And if ye disbelieve, lo! unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth, and Allah is ever Absolute, Owner of Praise.
    132. Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. And Allah is sufficient as Defender.
    - Surah An Nisaa.

    Allah alone in enough for you as your defender, as the one to provide for you. Think about what you can do, think about what you want to do. Just allow yourself to think and act in the right way. Read the Qur'an with meanings Insha Allah to seek Allah's guidance in matters of life.

    Insha Allah, Allah will help you as He helps all those who seek His help.

    Your brother.

  2. Jazakallah khayra bother you have helped me alot, i have spoken to his family sister, and bothers but because he knows more about the deen than them he thinks only he knows best and he is always right, it is very hard living with someone who uses the deen when it suits them and i have lost all respect for him, and it has affected my deen to i feel i worry about everything the bills the children and i have no peace of mind for my ibadaa.

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Zenaa,

      All thanks and praise be to Allah.

      May Allah ease your task for you.

      Sister, if he has so much knowledge of religion, than ask him a simple question.

      In the Deen of Islam, whose responsibility it is to provide for the wife and family?

      Just ask him this one question, Insha Allah and let him answer it and show us how much is his religious knowledge and how much he puts it in to practice.

      Just ask him sister and Insha Allah let me know his reply.

      Insha Allah, I am here to lend you my support bi iznillah.

      Your brother.

    • Sister Zenaa,

      As far as peace of mind is concerned, make your mind prepared for "Sabr" no matter what happens in life, tell yourself, Insha Allah you will keep Sabr and not lose your composure.

      You have the link to Qur'an in my first post.

      Stay firm as you have been sister. Stay firm seeking Allah's help.

      The more you remember Allah, listen Qur'an at night and pray in night hours, Insha Allah, you will love your Deen and enjoy it's practice.

      He is affecting your practice of deen right? So Allah gave a commandment to the Prophet (peace be upon him) in Surah Ad Dahr in order that the words of disbelievers may not affect his practice of Deen:

      23. Lo! We, even We, have revealed unto thee the Qur’an, a revelation;
      24. So submit patiently to thy Lord's command, and obey not of them any guilty one or disbeliever.
      25. Remember the name of thy Lord at morn and evening.
      26. And worship Him (a portion) of the night. And glorify Him through the livelong night.
      27. Lo! these love fleeting life, and put behind them (the remembrance of) a grievous day.
      28. We, even We, created them, and strengthened thee frame. And when We will, We can replace them, bringing others
      like them in their stead.
      29. Lo! this is an Admonishment, that whosoever will may choose a way unto his Lord.
      30. Yet ye will not, unless Allah willeth. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.
      31. He maketh whom He will to enter His mercy, and for evil doers hath prepared a painful doom.

      Do not obey a guilty one or disbelieving person, be patient, remember Allah much and worship Him at portion of the night.

      Insha Allah this should strengthen your iimaan and bonding with Allah.

      Your brother.

  3. brother many times i have shown him hadith about how the prophet (as)talked about providing for your family and it is better to work for your bread than beg for it and have your hand out, he just says Allah is the provider and are rique is the same no matter what we do, i just tell him i no that but you must go out and try to provide not wait for it to come to you, it is so hard to deal with this when someone thinks they have all the answers because they no more quran than you,. he reads alot of quran prays at night and goes to the mosque every salat but its like we are not here it is hard to explain people say to me "say Allahamdulilaah he is a good man with good qualitys " yes i see that but how are we suppose to live like this.

    • Sister,
      Allah says in Surah Jumu'a:

      9. O ye who believe! When the call is heard for the prayer of the day of congregation, haste unto remembrance of Allah and leave your trading. That is better for you if ye did but know.
      10. And when the prayer is ended, then disperse in the land and seek of Allah's bounty, and remember Allah much, that ye may be successful.

      Allah Himself says, when prayer is ended, then do not sit idle, disperse in the land and seek Allah's bounty, go to earn money.

      Allah says in Surah Muzzammil:

      20. Lo! thy Lord knoweth how thou keepest vigil sometimes nearly two thirds of the night, or (sometimes) half or a third thereof, as do a party of those with thee. Allah measureth the night and the day. He knoweth that ye count it not, and turneth unto you in mercy. Recite, then, of the Qur’an that which is easy for you. He knoweth that there are sick folk among you, while others travel in the land in search of Allah's bounty, and others (still) are fighting for the cause of Allah. So recite of it that which is easy (for you), and establish worship and pay the poor due and (so) lend unto Allah a goodly loan. Whatsoever good ye send before you far your souls, ye will surely find it with Allah, better and greater in the recompense. And seek forgiveness of Allah. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

      People used to travel seeking business, buying and selling goods and Allah mentions them in the Qur'an and turns towards them in Mercy and relieves them from burdens.

      Even Allah mentions people who go out for earning, ask your husband does he think of himself to be wise than Allah?

      If he believes in Allah's words than he should know that had rizq to come by only sitting idle and praying, Allah would mention it, that "pray and do not go for earning" your "rizq" will reach you.

      But in Surah Jumu'a and in this Surah Al Muzzammil Allah specifically mentions moving around in search of the "bounty - fazl " of Allah.

      If he has knowledge of the Qur'an better than others, than he should rethink about his knowledge and read these verses.

      When time for salaat comes - one should pray anywhere he/she is in those "hours" of prayer and continue work after prayer is finished.

      These are fundamentals of Islam.

      A farmer has to sow the seeds and when they give grain or vegetable he has to pluck them out and load them in to a mode of transport and take them to the market to sell them.

      If the farmer has large lands, but he does not make efforts to cultivate, how will he earn?

      Make him understand the fundamentals sister, give him examples and be kind in your approach, Insha Allah and take up the "QUR'AN", make him read it for you or you read it in his presence with meanings. The Qur'an is a mirror, it can show any person fearing Allah his "bad side" in that mirror and Insha Allah it would make him turn to goodness from there on.

      May Allah ease your task for you.

      Your brother.

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