Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Controlling in laws and stressed husband

Muslim woman wearing niqabi, known as niqabi

Aasalam Alikum,

I been married for 2 years now but lived with my in laws for year and half now because i had to go back to my country and apply for visa, my in laws are so hypocrite and controlling that it makes me upset. I'm going back to my parents because things are really bad right now. I love my husband and about his feelings towards me? i'm not sure. Basically we had choice marriage (bit of love at first sight and his parents asked for my hand etc) nothing was forced on either of us like emotionally.

My in laws said they just want me to be happy with my husband and promised all princess fairy-tale lies to my parents and me. As i moved in with my IL (in laws) they were bit normal i suppose but as days went by they just got more and more demanding towards me. I wasn't allowed to go out to shop with my husband unless his sisters were with us, everywhere we went his sisters had to go with us and they're not kids, both grown up in marriage age (25 and 27) I didn't feel comfortable because both of his sisters would hold his hands and i would just walk behind him. He was nice enough that later on, he would always apologize in privacy so I felt like he was really good from heart that he even acknowledged something wasn't right. But one of his sister was just too much, she played so many mind games with us that we started fighting all the time about things she said to me or to him. If that wasn't enough his married brother started to infer with our marriage as well and would tell my husband i'm not good wife because he came over and i let him in and its haram in islam (living in UK and being from Canada) I thought nothing wrong for opening house door and serving him food etc was haram but i know islamically it isn't allowed since his my non-mehram.  My husband's both sisters, his parents and we all 6 live in same house.

My father in law constantly want me to be serving him and sit with him, if i go in my room or anywhere then he starts complaining to my husband when he comes back from work, he is like Mother in law but worse. He will go in kitchen to check if i done dishes right like literally take out plates and bowls to check if they're washed properly, swipe his finger on counters and floor to see if i cleaned it good enough, go through all the places corner around to check if i vacuumed through them. His is really nasty with his language as well, verbal abuse and really ugly comments are always coming out of his mouth, I just try my best not to even look at him because of how disgusted i am with him. He told my husband couple times to beat me up or leave me, my husband defends me and whole family starts on him saying his whipped by me etc. By the way, i have to serve his sisters as well because they don't want their daughters doing any house chores since they love them too much. I have to serve them and later on pick up their plates and clean, they don't even lift their fingers.

My mother in law is usual Pakistani mother in law as expected, will never ever let go of having digs and insulting me in front of people.  She and my FIL both talk bad about my family etc but i ignore it because they're just low people like that and think they're above everyone and perfect. My husband's family is cultural islamic if you know what i mean, will pray but as soon as they're done they will start bashing someone and hurt people's feelings, always backbiting etc. It's never ending now, I'm really depressed and  we been trying to have kid but even the GP said I need to try to distress myself but it's not possible living with them. Oh by the way, according to them in Pakistani culture (from their view because i'm Pakistani as well and my brother lives separate) youngest son has to take care of everything (responsibilities) so my husband and i can't move out either, his brother and his wife have moved out and my IL's adore them even though they hated that daughter in law while she lived with them for few months. (hypocrisy) Like they allow their daughters to stay out late night but am not allowed to even go to neighbors, they can go to different countries alone and if my husband and i plan anything his dad emotionally blackmails him 'if you go with her than i will disown you and you will go to hell for not listening to your dad' or classic one "if you don't listen to me than i won't even allow you near my dead body"

I'm really confused what to do? I'm going back to Canada and my parents know my situation, they have told me if i want to get divorce they'll support me but I love my husband, yet i spend all day with his family serving them and listening to them, when he comes home then his sisters and mom won't let him come near me like even sit near me.  I've tried talking to my husband and we end up arguing now or he just ignores me. He just keeps saying same reason that he can't do anything and his stressed about it. He hasn't directly said it to me that he would leave me but he mentioned a lot that he will never leave them so forget about even bringing that up as option.

Any answer will help.

Oh I did do Istakara before I got married and it came out as good sign.

kinza88

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3 Responses »

  1. Sister I will pray for you but your husband is a weak man . Why did you agree to him moving with him to his parents SubhanAllah don’t you see other sisters struggling from that. you aren’t they maid. If he can’t move out with your from your in-laws leave him He will come back running

  2. Walaikum asslaam,

    After reading your post. You must be going through a great deal of stress. 2 years of marriage is not long, rather the first few years supposed to be the best. Its wrong what your in laws are doing. Your sister in laws are the jealous type. How come they don't live with their husbands?

    I find it disturbing your grown sister in laws holding her brothers hand whilst you walk in the back? You cant go out with your husband? Father in law tells his son to beat you?

    I know you love him as you say, and not sure about him. If he truly loved you he would take notice, and do something about it. Sounds like a mummys boy.

    Personally, I don't know why you would want a child in that environment. Think about it. your inlaws will decide on how to raise your child. You would be just a maid. It will do you more harm. Move out of your inlaws. But since he wont leave them. For your own sanity leave. This is a test, if you decide to leave Allah will replace him with someone better.

    You are not their maid, nor a door mat. You deserved to be respected, love accepted as part of the family. I seen so many similar stories to yours. One thing they regret is taking too long to leave.

    Ma'salaama

  3. sister my blood was boiling just reading your post. may allah relieve ur stress ASAP! argh no way would i ever be no in laws maids. but everyone is different some people cant stand up for themselves. but Honey you man is weak and if he said leaving his parents house is out of the question its time for u to go to ur parents house until he misses u and decides to move out. u dont deserve that. the first 2 years of marriage are supposed to be the sweetest. i can tell you will make a great wife. u dont need to settle and be a man family maid.im sorry for what you had to endure. i live in a basement apartment underneath my in laws. we barely see each other unless i am coming upstairs to leave through the door and it still irritates me to have to live under in laws but soon ill take my kids and leave cos i refuse to settle. bcos like you i chose a weak man as a husband

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