Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Controlling insecure husband

Assalamualaykum,

I am currently in a marriage that I am very unhappy in. I have always been very picky with my choice of husband as I wanted a religious man. Having been brought up in the UK, I have avoided major sins and kept myself close to Allah. I wear a niqab, always kept good muslim friends and prayed regularly from a young age. For marriage, there were many options from back home and a few in the UK.

There was this one family in Pakistan asking for me for a long time. My parents told them that I was very picky and wanted a very religious man. They were a family of mufti's and they said their son was very strict, prayed 5 times, didn't smoke or do drugs, knowledgeable in Islam etc.

Finally my parents agreed and I reluctantly gave my approval due to emotional blackmail. I was engaged for 6 months and have been married for 2 years. My husband is a distant relative of my parents and was born and raised in Pakistan but working as an engineer in Dubai. I was born and raised in the UK.

After we got married we were fine for a few months. I spent about a total of 6 months with him after marriage in split intervals in Pakistan and Dubai then went back home to UK. In this time, I noticed that my husband lied about many things. He wasn't praying, smoking secretly, kept bad company as friends including female friends, looking at models or famous women on social media and internet and was very private about all aspects of his life not sharing any information about where he was, how he spent his day, who he was with. He would leave the house without clear explanations and come home smelling of smoke. He spoke as if he looked down on everyone especially those who were wealthy, attractive, smart or powerful. Had a huge ego problem and was extremely jealous and insecure accusing me of being interested in other men and not even allowing me to mention in talk about any men to him. I felt so restricted in my conversations. He said I had a bad past (which is more true for him), was a hypocrite as I sometimes missed my morning prayer (he prayed only when conveinient) and was not good enough to tell him what to do. He would monitor all my texts, phone calls, and search through my phone but never allow me to see his phone, not allow me to leave the house alone, even to just step outside, not allow me to work or visit my friends. I hated everything, was angry, depressed and disappointed while with him. We fought so much that he would sleep in a seperate room sometimes. When we spoke we would argue and I would tell him he lied about who he was and why did he marry me if he hated everything I was. My time with him was the most unhappiest time of my life and he too was very unhappy calling me a bad wife, a punishment for him which was probably true as I disliked him very much at this point and constantly reminded him of his broken promises and lies. His parents don't know him well at all as he lives in Dubai but they think he is very religious. He lives a double life and has a split personality when with his parents.

Prior to marriage, he would tell me that he was very strict and promised a life based on Islam. After marriage I found it was only me who he wanted to cage in with him free to do as he pleases. It appears all he wants is an innocent girl from back home. It is as if he wants me to apologise to him for growing up in UK and becoming an educated working muslimah (my bad past).

Now I live back home and we talk on the phone once a week. Just general boring conversation with neither of us disclosing much information as I know he will yell at me if I tell him I went out to have lunch with my friends or went shopping. I am no longer employed, have no income and he doesn't send me anything nor will I ever ask him for anything.

I wish I had never agreed to marry him as because he is a relative it is difficult for me to leave due to family ties. Also he has told me in the past that he won't give divorce. Also, I have a 2 month old baby. I am stuck in a miserable loveless marriage with a controlling jealous man.

Should I leave him or try to work this out? Not to generalise but are many men from countries abroad this jealous and controlling? Is this normal behaviour?

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister he won't change and things will only get worse. One who doesn't fear Allah doesn't care about his close relations.

    You were on your own. You might as well be officially.

  2. Firstly never judge a book by its cover, second- grass is never greener....thirdly "patience".

  3. Salam,

    Seems like you've thoroughly read this book and it sucks. I recommend getting a divorce. Allah guides whom He wills and this man does not seem guided. You are actually religious and he is not so much. He should go marry someone that is not religious and you should marry someone that is. Please stop wasting time with this man and file for divorce now. The sooner you get past this situation the better.

  4. The first mistake you made is that you married based on whether you thought this person was religious. That should be one of the considerations - not the only consideration.

    Its appalling how people marry people who are totally incompatible with them based just on their idea of whether this person is religious and that is the panacea for a happy marriage. Even if this guy was not that religious but was not controlling, did not cavort with women, did not smoke and was open about his life, your life would be quite different and you probably would not be asking this question.

    From my own experience, marriages of this sort, people from different backgrounds, almost always end up in divorce. The girls I went Islamic classes with at an young age, those who married husbands from back in the subcontinent almost all got divorced - its a recipe for disaster.

    Having said all that, you need to get rid of this loser asap. He is going to make you miserable for the rest of your life. I know the baby complicates things and being a distant relative makes things worse but you need to look after number one. If you don't no one else will.

  5. Assalamo'alikum wa rahmatul lahi wa barkatuhu sister in islam. According to the way i see this issue you should try to work this relationship out once more. Sit with him peacefully. Council him and share your problems and ask him his problems and the situation he is in. As you mentioned he smokes and stuff. Men actually does this type of things to release some pressure or tension (which is absolutely the useless way) listen islamic lectures together. Say him lets complete something for example- Start to learn a islamic concept like how to be humble and forgiving, what what things and procedures are there n so on... So tell him to take some time out for u and sit alone discuss ur problems and how can you improve better in life through prayer, love, and trust. Your hubby might be suffering or he might be goin through some problem or some bad situation, that's y. He'll always be angry and so insecure. And one more important thing. As a women dont keep this issue i.e.., this husband problems wid ur self only. Share it with your dad and mom please. As i see many girls with this type of issues thinking its just cool and ok but NO. Share it with your mom and dad and if possible with in-laws as well so that they can help you out. Nothing is easy. So try and put affords to work it out. In sha Allah hu taala one day All will be perfect for u and ur hubby in sha Allah Ameeen..!
    I may not understand your problem the way you are in it as im still a teenager but focusing on lil can make a big difference. So start wid small probs and issue and aim for a higher goal. Thats it. We all will pray for your cause. Jazak Allah hu khairan kaseera. Assalamo'alikum wa rahmatul lahi wa barkatuhu...!

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