Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Controlling sister and extreme poverty


So again I am here with the same issue, my sister  has now become  more extreme, saying false things about religion and talking about rape all the time, speaking 24 hrs about hating men.

She wants us (the sisters) not to a marry a man. I told her before 10,000 times that I am heterosexual. And I know she is not homosexual but she is behaving like this so that the others could not get married.

She is all the time checking me whether I am texting someone or using mobile or not! It happens till 4:am and I can't sleep due to this. Sometimes she investigates and asks if there is a man in my life. We have tried everything but nothing changed. I'm 28 years old now my all other sisters are 29, 33, 34. What kind of life is this?

Our parents are not interested in marriage. Mother is all the time thinking about money and money. My sister who likes someone is  being mistreated. She is all the time trying to find excuses to fight and yell at her. In short she has made her life hell due to this.

Now I only think it's been 8 years Allah is listening but not doing anything to solve the problem, why Allah has made her our God? She is controlling us like a God.

The other thing that is making me unhappy is poverty. I am a very useless person who don't have a penny for hair cut. We are getting poor and poor day by day, I am praying for 4 years but nothing happened. I have no friend people dont care about me. more over a friend of mine broke my heart insulted me that i am not getting married. he is not in my facebook anymore. he has done hajj 4-5 times he is living there. just a simple question to ask will Allah punish those who hurt others and dont say sorry. i mean he hurt me frequently and he knew about it but he didnt even care to say sorry instead he start ignoring me and when i told him that you r not my friend anymore he started laughing.

Allah is punishing me through poverty.  At first i thought it is a test but if i look at my pathetic life i have no job career husband friend not even a female friend :'( not a penny i m pathetic. sister is controlling.

parents dont give a coin. my mother is always asking for money counting and hiding them under the pillow. when will i die? i m useless for everyone. i m just a burden on my parents and on me. i cant handle my misery anymore, friends are not friends they dont even ask if i am fine. i m leading a life of a beggar.

when Allah will take me away he is not giving me death. is Allah poor he dont have money to give me? He is humiliating me through people is that He has planned for me? whenever any body says i will not get married at that time i feel dead. i cry alot what should i do how to commit suicide in an easiest way?

- Lorelei Lee

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21 Responses »

  1. Sister Im going to keep you in my dua inshallah. your not worthless or pathetic, don't say that. Don't worry about what people say or think about you, I don't believe what you said about your self at all. Life is a test and Allah test those who he loves. May Allah make it easy for you and your love ones

  2. Sister may Allah help you out of every grief in this world and in hereafter.
    1. Allah most high has given us so much that we cannot count. Once Hazrat Umar r.a was passing by a person who had no legs and no arms. He asked his companions do you see a blessing of Allah in this man? They said he is miserable, he has nothing. But he replied cant he urinate easily. It is Allah's blessing.
    We must always be thankful to Allah by obeying Him for the countless blessings on us and He will in return increase our blessings. By disobeying Him or being ungrateful to Him will only decrease His blessings on us.

    2. Once a man asked some pious person to make duaa for him that may Allah give him a child. The shaikh said he would. After few years he met that person again and asked whether he got children? He told in negative and that his prayers are not answered. The shaikh asked him about his marriage he told he is not married.
    Moral of the story is Allah has related this life with cause and effect although He is Qadir at doing it without a cause. We have to try ourselves to change our condition it will not change by itself then make dua ya Allah i am helpless in changing my condition without your help........
    Allah creates a child through man and woman but He is Qadir at doing it without them or against the nature like He created Adam a.s Essa a.s against the law of nature. We have to try what we can do then make dua.
    3.Allah always listen to us. He accepts every dua. Some times we don't see the result immediately, Allah delays it or gives us something better or takes away something bad or saves it for reward in akhirat. When the person will see the huge reward of his unanswered prayers he will urge that none of his dua had come true in dunya. And Allah likes those who ask dua from Him and dislikes who don't ask Him.
    4. Happiness and misery, health and sickness, richness and poverty, life and death all come from Allah. If we are not obeying Allah we cannot be happy. Look what are the shortcomings in obeying Him. When He becomes angry on us no power can benfit us. Hardships are either result of our bad deeds or as a trial to His obedient slaves. And momin is never at loss when he gets happiness he makes shukar and when he suffers he does sabar, in both cases Allah rewards him in dunya and akhirat.
    5. Happiness cannot be bought by money. And it cannot be achieved without Allah's remembrance. For His remembrance he has gifted us 5 prayers scattered over 24 hours. The one who perfoms salat well gets free from poverty in this world and free from azab in akhirat. And the one who recites surat waqai in every night will never witnessed hunger.

    • its not in my hands to change my condition. i am totally helpless in this regard. i dont work you know why she should then make my life more hell and i fear she can burn my degrees as well. i know her nature what kind of person she is. if she wants to fight she will blame on you for the things you have nt done even if you are asleep in the night she will wake you up to have a fight.

  3. Dear sister, everyone faces tough time in some part of life and it is temporary. inshaAllah you will see ease in your life very soon.
    Actually your parents have to control the things. I suggest you to talk directly to parents that you want to marry. There is nothing bad in telling parents otherwise there are chances for moving towards wrong path. Respect your sister but do not take her actions seriously becz she has no right to stop anyone to marry.
    May Allah ease your problems and give you happy and prosperous life. Aameen

    • i have tried talking to him and told them about the proposal. i told my parents that my friends has told me about a proposal and she referred me so i asked parents to get one of my sisters married but in reply my father started laughing and directly said that we should sell this house, i will get you married and we will come on roads. when he had money he never tried to search for proposal. i was 19 years old and i asked him to meet a boy i liked but my father replied you are a shameless person you want to get married?
      whenever a proposal type thing comes or my sister talk about liking a person my mother turns her head away like she has not listened otherwise she is all the time crying and telling the relatives look my daughters are old . the neighbors also advice my father but he dont listen to them.

      • Lorelei Lee: whenever a proposal type thing comes or my sister talk about liking a person my mother turns her head away like she has not listened otherwise she is all the time crying and telling the relatives look my daughters are old . the neighbors also advice my father but he don't listen to them............reply my father started laughing and directly said that we should sell this house, i will get you married and we will come on roads

        Is your family extremely Introvert? Are there men in your community who will marry women from poor families in simple marriage? Do you think it is really money that is keeping you and your sisters single.

  4. Dear SIster
    Assalaamu Alaikkum Wa Rahamathullaahi Wa Barakaathuhu

    DO not loose hope on Allaah swt
    The believer may be tested by any means by Allaahu Swt
    Allaah Swt test only those whom he likes very much as he tested Prophets and Sahabein and M'umins
    In Sha Allaah Allaah Swt will ease ur pain & we dua for you & your family to make ease things for this world & Aakhirah Aameen
    Regarding Tests
    Allah tells us that we will be tested. He also makes it clear to us what is expected from us when we undergo these trials and what our reward will be if we are successful.

    "Indeed amazing are the affairs of a believer! They are all for his benefit. If he is granted ease of living he is thankful; and this is best for him. And if he is afflicted with a hardship, he perseveres; and this is best or him." (Muslim)
    And Allah said:
    {Certainly, We shall test you with fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits; but give glad tidings to the patient—those who, when afflicted with calamity say, "Truly to Allah we belong, and truly to Him shall we return." It is those who will be awarded blessings and mercy from their Lord; and it is those who are the guided ones.} (Al-Baqarah 2:155–157)
    "The amount of reward is in accordance with the amount of suffering. When Allah loves some people, He tries them (with affliction). He who then is content (with Allah's decree) has achieved the acceptance (of Allah), and he who is dissatisfied (with Allah's decree) will attain the anger (of Allah)." (At-Tirmidhi)
    Regarding Test of Wealth
    Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds; and may His blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions.
    Allaahu Swt is Al Ghani The Rich and he has everything and he is independent of everything and he is self Sufficient
    The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “O God, grant me life as a poor man, cause me to die as a poor man and resurrect me in the company of the poor..” His wife asked him why he said that, and he replied: “Because (the poor) will enter Paradise (before) the rich. Do not turn away a poor man…even if all you can give is half a date. If you love the poor and bring them near you..God will bring you near Him on the Day of Resurrection.” Al-Tirmidhi:1376

    poors are very close to Allaahu Rabbul 'Alameen
    The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once told his wife: “Do not turn away a poor man..even if all you can give is half a date. If you love the poor and bring them near you…GOD will bring you near HIM on the Day of Resurrection.” Al-Tirmidhi:1376

    Allah distributes His sustenance among His slaves to test them. Allah Says (interpretation of meaning): {As for man, when his Lord tries him by giving him honour and gifts, then he says (puffed up): "My Lord has honoured me." But when He tries him, by straitening his means of life, he says: "My Lord has humiliated me!" Nay!… }[89:15-17].
    Imam al-Qurtubi said: 'Nay' is an expression to refuse their idea. Being rich is not for any merits and being poor is not due to any humiliation, but richness and poverty depend on Allah's predestination .
    The reason is to examine people and put them to test. Imam Ibn Jareer wrote in the explanation of the above verses: Whenever Allah tests a person and grants him richness and pour upon him His favors, he says happily that Allah has honoured him. If Allah does not make one rich and does not give him something generously, he says that Allah has humiliated him and does not show gratitude for many other blessings Allah has granted him such as good health, sound body, etc. .
    Therefore, it is apparent that the rich and the poor are both under the examination of Allah. A rich is tested through his richness, Allah wants to see whether he thanks Allah on wealth He granted him and whether he spends His money in good cause, while a poor is also under the trial of Allah, He wants to check him and see if he will be patient or not, and whether he is satisfied with the decision of Allah or not. If a rich thanks Allah, and a poor remains patient on hardship then they both will get good reward from Allah; otherwise, they will be punished.
    Know that being rich or poor is a predestination of Allah and all matters happen according to His predestination. It is totally wrong to believe that such matters depend on one's luck and are not related to the destination of Allah. In fact, that every good, bad, benefit, loss and all other matters, take place only by the Will, and the Decree of Allah. Believing so is among the pillars of faith. The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) said in the Hadith of Gabriel: And you affirm your faith in the Divine Decree about good and evil . [Reported by Imam Muslim ].
    Allah knows best.

    With Kind Regards

  5. Dear sister Lorelei Lee,

    First, I want you to discard all the negative thoughts about your situation and stop thinking it is your destiny or Allah's punishment for your poverty. Allah takes care of those who take care of themselves.

    I think your situation / problem has always been there since you were born. (I understand some cultures or muslim live in their cocoon in the guise of religion. This is so wrong!) Now the situation is getting worse because you start realizing that you are suffocated by your condition. That is a starting point! This is the point that may change your situation if you TAKE ACTION .

    I can see you are very isolated with your environment and your family background is not helping you to break through this isolation.

    Since you are 25+, I suggest you should go out and explore your community and understand your surrounding. Do you go to mosque? Do you go to library? What is your level of education? If you do not have any formal education or you do not have a high school diploma, the first thing I urge you is to equip yourself with education. I do not know where do you reside now. Normally, there are quite a lot of resources for adult education or career oriented education provide for adults who want to further develop themselves. YOU NEED TO DEVELOP YOUR RESOURCES: meaning asking around, e.g people, library, non government organization, government organizations, etc etc. I always suggest to start with library or food pantry as they can give you some advices or point you to the right direction to get help. Maybe you are qualify for certain types of benefit that may help to start with your life.

    REACH OUT: You need to reach out to your community. The best starting point is your masjid. You are going there NOT to complaint about your situation but to worship and make connection with others. When you feel comfortable, you may offer your help to assist in the masjid. When you become engage in the community, you will be less focus with your "misfortune" AND it also open up many doors for you. You may open up yourself more to let them know you are looking for a job, any job, either voluntary or paid job. For your situation, (I do not know your education level) you may ask for any entry jobs, baby sitter, grocery cashier, house cleaning, clerical, etc etc.

    To be honest, your situation can not be changed in a day as it has been there for a long time. Take a small step to move forward. When you are exposed to the outside, you will feel less pressurize from your controlling sister because you will be occupied with your study and work or activities in the masjid. You cannot do anything to change her but you can set your boundary to limit her intervention. Tell her firm but nicely that she does not have the right to enter your room,etc etc. Tell her that all your contacts with anyone is your personal business and it is between you and Allah. Do acknowledge her concern but set you boundary firm.

    Regarding your marriage, I do not have a very practical advice. All I can suggest is you open yourself and talk to the Imann in the masjid that you are looking for marriage.

    Sister, I hope this help. Remember, Allah does not punish you, he loves everyone and wants us to find out a solution through his mercy. This is the freedom He gives us to sort out the problem for ourselves. You need to strengthen your problem solving skills instead of looking at the negative side of your situation. I hope you can find someone to walk you through and guide you to get some help in your life. Keep PRAYING and at the same time TAKE ACTION to change your situation! Inshallah.

  6. One final note:
    YES, you are living in a very unhealthy environment but I can see that your mental / psychological status is very unstable. Would you able to get some help? Are you able to attend some free classes about dealing with stress, problem solving, financial management or basic living skills or some counseling session?

    If you mental status is unstable and unhealthy, it is very hard for you to solve your problem let alone to deal with your harsh situation. Go check.

  7. I really think you must find a full-time job. Once you have saved some money, you can rent an apartment for yourself. You are a 28 yr old grown woman. You need to start living independently. Allah is not going to put money in your wallet -- you have to earn it. I know it will be hard on you parents but sometimes we have to make tough choices if we want a change in our lives.

    Otherwise, things will continue exactly as they are. Next thing you know, you will be 40 years old with no work history, no money, no husband, and no confidence. Please take the reigns of your own life.

  8. Dear sister,

    I clicked on your name as it looks very familiar to me and I found some of your previous post. You have a master degree! UNLESS you have mental problem otherwise there is no excuse to complain that you are in poverty and you mom is not giving you a coin.

    When was the last time you search for a job? How many job application did you send out in the past month or year? Did you get on any interview? Did you figure out why you fail? How do you spend your day? Can you describe to us what a typical day look like for you? How much did you invest in the past to update or improve your qualification? How much do you know about the career path that you are heading to? Did you try any free online courses to improve your competitive power? Will you consider to change your or narrow down your job search? Regardless of your controlling sister, if you are able to be independent, you will not be subjected to her control!

    I know people going out to work as a reception even though they have a university degree. You need to start at some point, e.g tutoring maybe. You cannot sit down and complain. As I said, Allah will only help those who help themselves. There are people jumping on different temp jobs to get experiences and build up their resume. What did you do in the past to increase your chance of being hired? i know a person who has a master degree from their country working as a CNA (nursing assistant), I know an art major graduate working as a janitor.

    You can only get out your poverty by looking for a job. Sorry, marriage is not a solution for your financial situation.

    Sister, don't yourself into those negative thought. Pick up yourself and take things in your hands.

    • I agree here .

      The sister first needs to find a job and it will solve her lot of problems .Both financially(to some extent) and mentally to great extent .
      Also it will make her active . It will give confidence .
      Even she might find a man of her choice at work place .Any thing is possible .Just she need to start it from here .even if there is gap after education problem ..

    • you know them but their family environment is different, its very easy for you to speak like this, life is nt as easy as you are thinking that i will go and find a job and she will clap and let me go i know how dangerous she is .
      i am a very competitive person i never lose. losing is not my nature. but i am very weak to stand infront of her i cant handle this. the only one person has controlled my life and Allah is not listening .
      she is the only one i fear. you see i dont even fear men but her. she can go to the level where she can go to masjid and claim that we have done blasphemy and you should know she is all the time abusing Allah and thinks she is a prophet and Allah will marry her

      • Sister ,

        If you quit because of your sister who seems to have some mental problem then it is not going to solve your problem .

        I think you just need to take bold step .Get a job .Don't bother about her .She seems to have some mental illness .

        Keep searching for a job silently and get in to some job .This is the only good option .

        Work politics is everywhere .Ignore and forget all those and just get a job and join it ..

        Ignore your sister and other negative people around you .. Your home environment will make you further depressed and mental .Only good solution is some job to move out of this environment .

        • Dear Sister not only moving out will resolve ur issue
          try to get ur sister treated for mental illness by Reciting Ruqya (Some Imp Ayaths from Quraan) on her or recite and blow it on water without her knowledge and make her drink,
          Quraan is sent as Shifa for every illness for the believers

      • Lorelei Lee: she can go to the level where she can go to masjid and claim that we have done blasphemy and you should know she is all the time abusing Allah and thinks she is a prophet and Allah will marry her.

        Are you sure your sister is not suffering from mental illness? If she considers herself a prophet, she needs to be examined by a psychiatrist. If you live in Pakistan, she may be punished by a Muslim mob if she claims to be a prophet.

        I don't know how safe it is for a single girl to live alone in Pakistan. If you can live alone safely try to find a job in some other city and move. You need to live away from your family to have a normal life. You can still help your family.

      • Lorelei Lee: I am a very competitive person i never lose. losing is not my nature. but i am very weak to stand in front of her i cant handle this.

        Why are you so weak in front of your sister? Does she beat you up also? At what age your sister started showing hatred towards men and talking about rape? Is she concerned you and your sisters will get raped?

  9. OP: So again I am here with the same issue, my sister has now become more extreme, saying false things about religion and talking about rape all the time, speaking 24 hrs about hating men......She wants us (the sisters) not to a marry a man. I told her before 10,000 times that I am heterosexual. And I know she is not homosexual but she is behaving like this so that the others could not get married.

    It is possible that your sister was raped and/or sexually abused ........that is causing her talking about rape and hating men. Part of the problem may be she has seen many women being treated badly around her. In some countries a girl can't even complain about rape for fear of shame for her family and honor killing.

    I have read some blogs about sexual abuse of kids seems to be rampant in some countries. I was surprised kids are told not to talk about sexual abuse with any one because abuser is usually a close relative.

    You should seek help from a close relative/friend who can help you get married. Get married to some one who can accept a simple marriage with no dowry. Look for a match on a matrimonial web sites

  10. OP: She is all the time checking me whether I am texting someone or using mobile or not! It happens till 4:am and I can't sleep due to this. Sometimes she investigates and asks if there is a man in my life. We have tried everything but nothing changed.

    You are from a culture where a girl is supposed to be a virgin before she is married. Do you stop texting or speaking on phone when you see her?

    Your sister should understand you are 28 and old enough to take care of yourself.

    It seems like your family is unable to find you a husband and you have to be proactive about finding a man yourself.

    Why don't you work?

  11. first of all i would like to add here, if i do job she will make my life more hell coz she cant see anyone having money.
    secondly i hav done internship 3 months in a college as a lecturer internee and got paid during this year she used to fight me again and again made my life only because of 3 months job.
    thats why all sisters dont do any job.
    i got admission in m.phil there she got jealous as well but i left it in a middle coz i cant take the environment of our dept, cant engaged my self in the politics. both were poisoning me. these all advices you are giving me i have tried it long ago.

  12. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, rather than letting your sister and your parents tell you what to do, you need to take action to live your own life the way you want. Islam advises that we should respect our family, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't stand up for ourselves and our Islamic rights.

    Realistically, the only person in this situation whose behaviour you can reliably change, is you. Whatever the reason for your sister's behaviour, it's unlikely that she'll change in the short term. If your parents have acted this way for years, it's unlikely that they'll change overnight. But you can change how you approach things and how you act.

    Just considering your own difficulties for the moment, think about what you want in this life - a job, a husband, an independent life? How to go about getting those things... well, you've already been given some good suggestions about finding a job and potential ways to find a husband. You don't need your parents to be the ones to find you a husband. Once you get to know people at your local mosque, and make new friends, inshaAllah you may well find proposals come from those sources. Alternatively, ask at your mosque whether they have an introductions service for young single Muslims - a lot of mosques have these services. As well as thinking about this side of things, consider what the potential costs could be (eg. how would your family react?), and weigh them against the benefits. Only you can decide whether to fight for what you want, or to accept things as they are.

    If you're finding it difficult to make big changes, try smaller ones first, to build your confidence. Get involved in something that interests you - a charity project at your mosque, a study course (maybe even an evening class), volunteering, a hobby... - and stick to it. You might also want to try some self-help CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), which can help you identify and change things about your own thoughts, feelings and actions which might be holding you back.

    If your sister tries to cause problems, tell her it's none of her business. If she starts creating a drama, walk away from her and let her have her drama by herself. If she wakes you up in the middle of the night to have an argument, don't engage with her - get up, walk away from her and refuse to participate. If need be, take a book or your mobile and lock yourself in the bathroom until she gets tired of yelling. Or, if you have separate bedrooms, get a lock for your bedroom door and lock it when you don't want to be disturbed. An argument requires at least two people. If the second person doesn't engage, it's just one person yelling at themselves, which tends to fizzle out sooner. It might take time, but inshaAllah she'll eventually learn that you aren't going to tolerate her when she's like that.

    Given what you've said about your sister, I do wonder if she's had some trauma in her past or if she might have a mental health problem. It might be worth trying to get her to talk to a professional, and a first step might be for you to ask her to explain why she's so distressed. You could say something along the lines of "I've noticed that you seem very upset/concerned about men and what they might do - and I'm trying to understand why - could you help me understand?". That way you're framing it in a less confrontational way than just asking "Why do you seem to hate men and why are you being horrible to us all?". Her answer may, inshaAllah, help shed some light on why she thinks and feels that way. And even if she doesn't answer, you've sown the seed in her mind that her family have concerns about her and want to understand and help her, so she might open up in the future.

    Midnightmoon editor

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