Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have converted to Islam but my boyfriend is delaying marriage as he is convincing his family to marry me.

Muslim convert woman in Hijab

 

Asalamualikum.

I am completely confused, stressed and frustrated. I am 26 years old and I come from non-Muslim background and I met a Muslim guy at my work place and then he became my boyfriend. My boyfriend was guiding me to Islam and it took so long time(nearly 2 yrs to understand the beauty of islam) and then I became Muslim. We don't work in same place any longer. In the past 3.5 years we both have stayed together in same house and we have crossed our limits.

In the last year we both have informed our parents and none of our parents accepted us. My family doesn't know that I have converted and still believe that I will change my mind and marry the guy they show me. At his house they don't like me since I am a convert and I am working. As of now I am staying alone and his mother got scared that he might marry me without her knowledge, hence now she has come down and staying with him.

My parents stopped talking to me since I am not listening to them. Lots of arguments is going on between myself and my parents. I almost lost my parents. My parents tell me to elope and get married and they don't want me stay unmarried cause they cannot answer this society why I am still single? On his side he is staying with mother and brothers (his dad expired 10 yrs ago). But I doubt they will ever accept me. He is not willing to do court marriage also.

I am feeling very lonely these days, sometime  he is not able to pickup my calls. He is either not willing to come out or he is getting scared to spend time with me. I understand that now  he is staying with his family and it won't be the same as earlier. I feel I have been rejected by him. At least I will find comfort If I get married to him through anyways. I have scarified whatever I had for him. I left my parents; left all my friends for him; I left my religion(I did that  for my sake); I left the old ways of dressing; I stopped speaking or mingling with Non-Mahram Mens; I have changed to how a Muslim girl should be. Now  I have no one except Allah. My boyfriend is telling me wait and I can see this is going nowhere. This loneliness is killing me.

Sometimes out of my frustration I blame my boyfriend I lost my virginity because of him. This relationship is only known to both parents and only one common friend. I want to say the world I have become Muslim but my boyfriend stops me and tells me to wait (If I say I have converted, people from my workplace can easily predict who am in relationship with). Whenever he rejects my calls or refuses to come out with me, I am getting hurt and feel that nobody is there. I have become so dependent of him and I am so used to of him.I thought of shifting to some place (like women's hostel) but those places are tough for me to do salah. Hence I choose to be alone. I m ready to do anything to convince his family but they are not ready to accept me. At least I wish my boyfriend marries me without their consent, this is also not happening. Due to this relationship all of us are in pain(like myself, my boyfriend, my family and his family).

Is there any solution for this?

Aslve.

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19 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    You're in a very complicated situation. You need more support, but you cannot get it because you've converted to Islam. You want to have the full support of the one who led you to Islam, but you can't have that because you aren't married to him and it's haram for the two of you to continue interacting as you have. As a new Muslim, it's hard to keep moving forward without some type support for your faith.

    Are there any Islamic organizations or centers near you? If there are, I would suggest you link in with them and tell another sister what's been going on. I agree with you that you need to get married right away, but until he is willing or able to make that happen, it's important that you aren't around each other in haram ways. As you said, you are trying to avoid non-mahrams, but you need to remember that he also is still a non-mahram. That's why it's so important to find other muslims (sisters) who can help you and continue to guide you and teach you without sabotaging it with illicit relationships or activities.

    What's most important now is solidifying the foundation of your new faith. Marriage will come Insha'Allah, and even if it comes later than sooner, you still have this time now to establish your connection with other Muslims, and with Allah. I know it's very lonely, and I know personally the feeling of being spiritually "dependent" on someone who brings you to Allah. Let me assure you that if you take little steps of reaching out, that loneliness and feelings of being dependent will fade and you will emerge with more confidence in who YOU are.

    Regardless of the circumstances, please know that you do not have to be ashamed of being a Muslim. You should feel free to tell whomever you like and make salah wherever you feel comfortable. If you truly took Shahadah for your own reasons and conviction, then you have nothing to hide! No matter what others may say, the truth is you have beautified your soul with the reality of your destiny.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalam alaikum! Dear sister feel free to contact me....

      (Email address deleted. We do not allow the exchange of email addresses on this website. If you have any advice for the sister, please give it here on this site. Thank you. IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  2. Dear sister
    Aslamu alikum
    May peace, mercy and blessings of Allha subhan tallha upon you. i read your sentiments and apprehensions.
    but belive me God has already rewarded you with the the gift of Islam, i am sure Allah has some thing very very special for you that is why making you to wait.Get peace in your life to read about Prohphet it will make your decesion very strong and backedup, dont worry i swear you are on right path .
    Dont hesistate Allah will help.

  3. Hi Asrar and Amy,

    Tears run down my cheek as i was reading the comments.Thanks a lot.I am getting lots of comfort feeling.
    Yes Asrar, you very well said that "God has already rewarded with the Gift of Islam".Right, i used to say this manytimes to myself whenever i felt desperate and cry.Insha Allah I m on the right path.

    Yes Amy, as you said it is the right time to solidify my faith and make new muslim friends.I m from Bangalore and here in india, females are not allowed enter mosque.Seriously I m waiting to find some muslim friends either in work place or in neighbourside.My bad.I could find only one muslim and even she is waiting to make some muslim friends.Finally we both are sailing in the same boat.And working women population is very very less.Only way to get to know muslim females is You have to be part of muslim families.Thats only way i knew.

    I only sleep on alternate nights and in that most of time went on crying or staying awake and wondering.Hence I decided to shift to womens hostel.InshaAllah I found one where i get some place to do salah.I hope I will get some friends there and I pray Allah to keep me in right path.

    Thanks a lot for your advices.Thanks very much.

  4. AA;

    Are you guys all in the US or different places?
    I think the best thing is for you two to marry and for the families to be supportive. Mean while, all u can do is pray to ALLAH to take care of this and to loosen up the families minds and open their hearts. But also try to busy your self with other activities or if you have a mosque near by or muslim community service try to be involved with them. You just need to get your mind off of it for the time being. Who knows what ALLAH has for you and we have to be accepting and thankful for what ever it is. May ALLAH strengthen your faith and grant you patience and show you the best path. Even if you end up with another man, I hope you find happiness and fulfillment.

    AA

  5. Don't worry sis.Allah will help u.

  6. Hi Just a Man and Zia,

    Thank you for your help.I am moved to Hostel.I am in India.My situation is getting worse.But one thing happened.Finally my boyfriend understood his family never accept me.Now My boyfriend says His two younger brothers are not getting marriage proposal since he is unmarried and he also understood that His family will never ever agree to accep me.He tried speaking marriage proposal fo his brothers but everyone is questioning why the eldest one(i.e my boyfriend) is still not married and its creating bad impression and he says our matter is affecting his two younger brothers life also.Hence My boyfriend is thinking of/planning to get two marriages done.One is me and One more wife for his family.I m getting hurt very much, but i am planning to agree even if i have to share my husband with someone else.Actually I dont want to share him.But if i keep on waiting nothing will happen and i feel its better atleast if i become his first wife and make my mind to accept that i have to share him with some other female.I will remain unmarried throughout my life, if i want to be only single wife.I belive I will have to share my boyfriend , else no marriage at all.Sharing is better than being single throughout my life.I m hurt.I have to prepare so much to accep the though of sharing.I belive Better I will prepare myself. Any suggestions from anyone pls?

    • AA;

      Do you think that will solve the problem? You think his family will accept that as a solution?
      Again, it is very nice of you to accept that and I pray he will be fair with you and his second wife and she is as good as you are. Otherwise, it might end up being a living hell for all you!

      Are you sure you want to marry him because of him, or are you worried you might not find another muslim man? It seems like you can not do much to be with other muslims specially if you cna not even attend to the mosque!

      I feel bad for your situation. Again, he is not the last man you can marry, maybe the separation is the solutions. Pray to ALLAH for help, Pray Istikhara. and ALLAH will do what's best for you because he always do what's best for us even if we do not comprehend it 🙂

      May ALLAH grant you patience, and guidance to the correct path.

      AA.

  7. Dear aslve,

    My heart breaks for you. I am a Muslim that came from a strict Muslim country and now studying overseas. What I will be writing to you now is not an advice but my own personal opinion. I adore women, from the way they look,to their motherly instinct and to their gentle spirituality. I believe that women are the key in educating younger generation and for that they must be given the upmost respect and priority.

    As a man and a Muslim,I do not like the situation that you are in and the fact that you are giving up to the idea that no one else will have you but him. I dislike his attitude towards you and I hope that he realizes how much you has sacrifice for him.

    It is my belief that Allah only test you within your capabilities. I also believe that there is always something better out there for everything and everybody. I am an engineer who believes that all problems can be solved and living with an issue without solving them is not an option.

    Should you choose to live with him,please advise him that you have your right as a muslimah and as a wife. Allah has provided the best for Muslim women and a Muslim man must abide by it. If he chooses not to,then it is your right within Islam to divorce him.

    Nonetheless, Islam and culture/tradition does not always go hand in hand. It is from my own experience that most people use Islam as a reason to justify their culture/tradition.

    Dear aslve,

    Use these lonely times you have with Allah to educate yourself about Islam and you will find how liberating Islam is especially for it's women. Allah the Most Merciful would only want the best for His followers.

    I pray for the best in your life and your future and also your future family.insyallah.

  8. Hi,

    Aslam alekum.
    I decided to marry someone my mother is choosing for me. My boyfriend is always giving preferrence to his mum and i am always given second priority.

    (Remainder of question has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

    • AA;
      Two wrongs do nto make a right! DO NOTmarry the hindu man! As a muslim woman u can not marry a none muslim w ALLAH alam!!!! Plus, bever say Allah rejected you! Allah NEVER rejects people coming to him. But you also have to understand that ALLAH is always testing us. And these issues we come across in life are not but a test!!!!!

      If I am right, it is from God. If I make a mistake, it is from me and please forgive me. May ALLAH guide you to the correct path.
      AA

  9. even im on same lik urs a connverty frm hindu bak ground i left every ting my fmly i gav him my self i gav him my jewellery mny i hlpd his fmly. But nw he rejectd me aftr i did all sacrifices n i lost my resoect in society no hindu is accepting me no muslim is supporting me. I did all these for him whn im nt gettin him wat the useof these sacrifices n me being alive. I cnt share dis wid ny one. I did so much cnt he nw sacrifice for me by gping against his fmly. he is d oly son n has 3 sisters. No one means no one to hlp me. Hw xn i forgt the sacrifices i made. Since he tld me he gonna marri me i got convrtd. The person hu got me to islam he oly left me. I cnt giv othr human wat all i gav him. Since im unable to delete him frm my head n heart. Luv is sopaimful im stil wanting to marri him aftrall these. Is there ny brother or sister hu cn tlk to his parnts regarding my matter. i ddnt wnt ny gal ny ones sister to face wat im facing . Day n night i hav oly tears to giv. Nw im lik dead bpdy i hav givn evry ting wat a wife shud giv.

  10. Love is kindled by Allah.
    Follow your heart.

  11. Assalam alaikum

    Dear sister(Fathima) i wud suggest u to go to nearby islamic institution and then ther u wil find help. Tell them evrythin and m sure Allah wil help u.In sha Allah.

    If elderly people involve in this its more better.

  12. Assalamualaikum sister!
    I came across the web and Alhamdulillah i found this page. First of all i would like to say Have a Blessed Ramadan to all of us Muslim. 😉 I am also a revert Islam from Christian. I have a muslim fiance and were from different races and Alhamdulillah after 3.5 years of relationship were getting married on December this year. Sister were almost exactly the same situation before. through Prayers and Spiritual Guidance by my Muslim friends.I past all of the challenges. and the most important is the support of your one and only love.Me and my fiance love each other so.much that eventhough everybody and everything is against all odds. we stay together and stick together. sister relationship is between the two.lovers. both should give in and both should take the risk and sacrifices. if you will be the only one who is on moving and giving it all, sacrifices, your life and soul etc. it will be unfair with you sister. Allah created us equal if u learn more knowledge about the beauty of a Muslimah you will see how Allah perfectly created us as human being. 😉
    Sister remeber that everything in your life is a reflection of the choices you have made. if you want a different result make a different choices. you need to be stong, sometimes u need to raise your head up. sister i know and i felt your a person with a beautiful heart and soul. Allah reward each of us a beautiful life. you just have to reach it and explore. 😉 TRUST ALLAH be patient tAllah our almighty God will reward u for all your sacrifices in Allahs Perfect time.

  13. Hello Everyone,
    I'm a 23 year old Catholic girl (remainder of comment deleted by editor)

    • Salaams,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer it in turn in shaa Allah.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. Dear Aslve,
    Welcome to Islam, May Allah ease your sorrow and make it for ALL of us to follow this deen. Aameen.
    First of all, tell your boyfriend NOT to involve another human being (the wife for the family)
    Subhanallah, May Allah give him hidaayah. Secondly Islam doesn't force a man to marry someone to make his family happy. Infact he can choose to marry against his family's wishes as long as he marries a practising muslim, which Maashaallah you are trying to be. And please pay attention to what I am about to say. I would say this to my own sister,
    1. Ask this person to start reading the Ayat for Sihr from the Quran, for it has a great effect in removing (the effects of) sihr. Ayat al-Kursiy, the ayahs (verses) of sihr from Surat al-A’raf, Surat Yoonus and Surat Ta-Ha, Surat al-Kafirun, Surat al-Ikhlas and al-Mu’awwadhatayn should be recited over the person who has been affected by sihr, or into a vessel. Dua should be made for healing and good health; in particular the du’a which has been narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him):
    “Allahumma Rabb al-Nas, adhhib al-bas washfi, anta al-Shafiy, la shifa a illa shifa uka, shifa an la yughadiru saqaman (O Allah, Lord of mankind, remove the evil and grant healing, for You are the Healer. There is no healing except Your healing, which does not leave any sickness).”
    One may also recite the words used by Jibreel (peace be upon him) when he treated the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) with ruqyah:
    “Bismillah urqeek, min kulli shay in yu dheek, wa min sharri kulli nafsin aw ‘aynin hasidin Allah yashfeek, bismillah urqeek (In the name of Allah I perform ruqyah for you, from everything that is harming you, from the evil of every soul or envious eye may Allah heal you, in the name of Allah I perform ruqyah for you).”
    This should be repeated three times, as should the recitation of “Qul Huwa Allah Ahad” and al-Mu’awwadhatayn.
    He may also recite the above into water, some of which should be drunk by the person who has been affected by sihr, and he should wash with the rest, one or more times as needed. This will remove the sihr by Allah’s leave. This was mentioned by the scholars (may Allah have mercy on them), and by Shaykh ‘Abd al-Rahman ibn Hasan (may Allah have mercy on him) in Fath al-Majeed Sharh Kitab al-Tawheed, in (the chapter entitled) Bab Ma ja a fi’l-Nushrah, and by others.
    4 – He can take seven green lotus leaves, grind them up, and put them into water, then recite into it the ayahs and surahs (verses and chapters) mentioned above, and the du’as. Then he can drink some and wash with the rest. This is also useful for treating a man who is being kept from having intercourse with his wife. Seven green lotus leaves should be placed in water, the verses referred to above should be recited into it, then he should drink from it and wash with it. This is beneficial, by Allah’s leave.
    The verses which should be recited into the water and the lotus leaves for those who have been affected by sihr and the one who is being prevented from having intercourse with his wife because of sihr are as follows:
    1- Surat al-Fatihah
    2- Ayat al-Kursiy from Surat al-Baqarah, which is as follows (interpretation of the meaning):
    “Allah! La ilaha illa Huwa (none has the right to be worshipped but He), Al-Hayyul-Qayyum (the Ever Living, the One Who sustains and protects all that exists). Neither slumber nor sleep overtakes Him. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. Who is he that can intercede with Him except with His Permission? He knows what happens to them (His creatures) in this world, and what will happen to them in the Hereafter. And they will never encompass anything of His Knowledge except that which He wills. His Kursiy extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them. And He is the Most High, the Most Great.” [2:255]
    3- The verses from Surat al-A’araf, which are as follows (interpretation of the meaning):
    “[Pharaoh] said: ‘If you have come with a sign, show it forth, if you are one of those who tell the truth.’
    Then [Musa] threw his stick and behold! it was a serpent, manifest!
    And he drew out his hand, and behold! It was white (with radiance) for the beholders.
    The chiefs of the people of Pharaoh said: ‘This is indeed a well-versed sorcerer;
    He wants to get you out of your land, so what do you advise?’
    They said: ‘Put him and his brother off (for a time), and send callers to the cities to collect —
    That they bring to you all well-versed sorcerers.’
    And so the sorcerers came to Pharaoh. They said: ‘Indeed there will be a (good) reward for us if we are the victors.’
    He said: ‘Yes, and moreover you will (in that case) be of the nearest (to me).’
    They said: ‘O Musa! Either you throw (first), or shall we have the (first) throw?’
    He [Musa] said: ‘Throw you (first).’ So when they threw, they bewitched the eyes of the people, and struck terror into them, and they displayed a great magic.
    And We revealed to Musa (saying): ‘Throw your stick,’ and behold! It swallowed up straight away all the falsehood which they showed.
    Thus truth was confirmed, and all that they did was made of no effect.
    So they were defeated there and returned disgraced.
    And the sorcerers fell down prostrate.
    They said: ‘We believe in the Lord of the ‘Alameen (mankind, jinn and all that exists).
    The Lord of Musa and Harun.’” [7:106-122]
    4- The verses from Surat Yoonus, which are as follows (interpretation of the meaning):
    “And Pharaoh said: ‘Bring me every well-versed sorcerer.’
    And when the sorcerers came, Musa said to them: ‘Cast down what you want to cast!’
    Then when they had cast down, Musa said: ‘What you have brought is sorcery, Allah will surely make it of no effect. Verily, Allah does not set right the work of Al-Mufsidoon (corrupters).
    And Allah will establish and make apparent the truth by His Words, however much the Mujrimun (criminals) may hate (it).’” [10:79-82]
    5- The verses from Surat Ta-Ha, which are as follows (interpretation of the meaning):
    “They said: ‘O Musa! Either you throw first or we be the first to throw?’
    [Musa] said: ‘Nay, throw you (first)!’ Then behold! their ropes and their sticks, by their magic, appeared to him as though they moved fast.
    So Musa conceived fear in himself.
    We (Allah) said: ‘Fear not! Surely, you will have the upper hand.
    And throw that which is in your right hand! It will swallow up that which they have made. That which they have made is only a magician’s trick, and the magician will never be successful, to whatever amount (of skill) he may attain’” [20:65-69]
    6- Surat al-Kaafirun
    7- Surat al-Ikhlas and al-Mu’awwadhatayn (i.e., Surat al-Falaq and Surat al-Nas) – to be recited three times.
    8- Reciting some of the du’as prescribed in sharee’ah, such as:
    “Allaahumma Rabb al-Nas, adhhib al-ba s wa’shfi, anta al-Shafiy, la shifa a illa shifa uka, shifa an la yughadiru saqaman (O Allah, Lord of mankind, remove the evil and grant healing, for You are the Healer. There is no healing except Your healing, which does not leave any sickness).”
    If the above verses etc. are recited directly over the person who has been affected by sihr, then the reciter blows on his head and chest, these are also among the means of healing, by Allah’s leave, as stated above.

    If he is affected by Sihr which is messing with his mind it will get cured. As I can understand after his mum has come into the picture he is distancing himself from you. It could be that she is emotionally blackmailing him or Maybe she or someone is doing some funny business which is affecting this boy's head. You should also read them too, for yourself. And then Allah knows best.

    Break off ALL contact with this person if he doesn't accept you into his life as a wife. If he had to make it happen, he would have. Allah writes the naseeb of a person so he is not responsible for if or if not his younger brothers get married.

    Try to join some islamic centre or listen to some lectures online, Nouman Ali Khan or Dr. Zakir Naik are very good. Inshaallah you will find peace.

    And dear sister, Allah tests all of us. It is written in the Quran, where Allah says, "Do you think you will not be tested, if you say I believe" I am sorry I don't know the exact Ayah, will find out and let you know, inshaallah. You are being tested. Maybe Allah wishes for a better muslim than this guy. Do not lose your faith.

    Chin up, Keep smiling 🙂

    Assalaamualaikum

  15. Can't you see that he's manipulating you?? Convincing you to have sex with him despite being both muslims, Using his family as an excuse to get a second wife?
    Sister, you're waay too blinded by love!

    You were gifted with Islam, now it's time to move on and live a better life with your new religion !! Leave this guy it's not worth, trust me, I know many girls who were fooled by this kind of guys!

    Leave him, find a passion, take care of yourself, try to slowly solve things with your family, parents are very important in Islam and even if they're not muslim you shouldn't neglet them.

    Open your eyes !!! Please, no one is worth all these sacrifices !! Don't be a fool please, think with your brain not with your heart !!

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