Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why do I have to convert to marry a Muslim woman that I am in love with.

The Islamic Shahadah, or testimony of faith, carved in wood on the wall of a masjid

The Islamic Shahadah, or testimony of faith, carved in wood on the wall of a masjid


I am in love with a Muslim woman. She has 2 children. I respect her religion and her beliefs.

I love her children and I understand that they are Muslim. But if I want to marry her, she said I have to convert and become Muslim. If Islam is such a respectful and tolerent Religion then why must I give up my beliefs?

If she asks me to convert, I would have to think about it very hard and I would probably break her heart if I do not choose corretly.

Please help me to understand.


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11 Responses »

  1. You have to convert because Islam does not allow a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man.

    Regarding your question about Islam being a tolerant religion, you have to understand Islamic psychology and morality to understand how Islam is a tolerant religion. In our time, most people think that any act is moral and OK, as long as the act does not violate the right of someone else or does not cause harm to other people. That is why in many countries fornication is not a crime, as long as the both participants indulge in it willfully.

    Islamic morality and psychology do not work like that. In Islam, for any act to be moral, it must fulfill three conditions:

    01. The act must not transgress the right of Allah, the creator.
    02. The act must not transgress the right of your own soul.
    03. The act must not transgress the right of any other people or any other living being.

    According to western concept of morality, you see no problem marrying this Muslim woman. However, she sees it differently. Because if she marries you, she will violate a law of Allah. In that way, she will transgress a right of Allah, and that of her soul. The right of the soul is it always want us to obey Allah. Whenever we disobey Allah, we deny its rights.

    I hope you now understand why she is telling you to become Muslim. However, if you become Muslim, do convert if you have sincere reasons. Do not simply convert just to marry a Muslim lady.

  2. stranger thats the most beautiful advice ive read from a person in the 21 century.....

  3. As salamu alaykum, Rafael,

    Stranger has explained to you why she won´t marry you.

    You don´t have to give up your beliefs because you love a woman, that is not right. You should study Islam and after that, see if you still are strong in your beliefs, then make a decision.

    The right reason to convert lies in your Heart and your relationship with God, has nothing to do with the love you feel towards this lady or your wishes to marry her. Her presence in your life has opened the door to you to think about Islam, but that doesn´t mean you have to convert, just learn what is Islam about and you will see what to do at the right moment.

    Think a minute that you marry her and you have children, in which faith are your children going to be raised?
    this is a very important question.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

  4. To be or not to be.
    If you love this woman... her children , then you must understand her reason for you to be a muslim in order for her to be married to you. every religion teaches us something special. you did not mention what is your religion and in my opinion, if you are a good person... no matter what faith you hold... you will know you are doing the right thing.
    If changing your religion is not possible for you then i would suggest , don't go for this woman. don't start something that you can not hold on to, later. its a big change but it has to come from your heart and your HEAD TOO.
    Love is strange and life needs more then that at times to know what matters actualy.
    In simple, whatever that muslim woman told you is right. so think about it and if you realy have the desire or courage...convert to islam, live like a true muslim, try ur best and then see if this is the life for u. if u do good then... you know then nothing is stopping you from getting married to her, if she allows, too.
    Good luck and may Allah pak help us all. amin.

  5. Dear friend, As I read your post it reminded me of my own experience of marrying a Pakistani girl. Being an American gives you an advantage over someone from her religion and culture. I say this with caution and from my own experience and that is your status as an American and her family's motives for allowing you the "goara " means white man and the fact they know she will get a greencard by marrying you.

    My wife whom I married from Lahore in 2007 Just arrived here in the USA just this Past November 2010. Just after she got her 10 great green card and social security card in December 2010 she left for a visit to her sister's in Philadelphia for 10 days when ten days was up she told me over the phone that she is never comming back. Now I didn't convert to Islam for her I did in 2002. However, after this experience I have decided to stop practicing Islam. These people have broken my heart and it is hard for me personally trust anyone wanting to marry me or introduce me to any girl from an Islamic country and background.

    I hope this doesn't ofend anyone I just don't want something like what happened to me happen to you as I feel pain everyday as I loved my wife too. All I am good to her was a ticket into US citizenship.

    • David D,
      I’m sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation. Heartbreaks are always painful, regardless of whichever race or religion one is from. Unfortunately, the whole “green card” marriage business is way too common—even amongst Pakistani Americans who go back home to find their bride/groom. I’ve heard of numerous stories of people (mostly females) getting married back home and once their spouse arrives, they jet. In fact, a close family friend of mine, their daughter had this unfortunate experience and is now bitter towards getting married again.

      My point David is that you’re not alone, this is very common and it has nothing to with religion—honestly. I’m not saying this because I’m a Muslimah but because that’s the truth. I am also Pakistani and my parents do not intend in getting me married back home either because of this whole green card/citizenship scheme and also because we immigrated to a western country when I was very young and they know it will be hard for me to adjust with a guy from back home. We just don’t want to risk it.

      What I want to advise to you though, is that never judge any religion by its people—judge it by its religious scripture—its holy book (in this case the Qura’an). Every religion has good and bad people and honest and dishonest people. I do understand though that your encounter with this Muslimah has indeed been a bitter one but don’t let her actions paint a negative picture of all Muslims. Many of us are God (Allah) fearing people who know that we will have to pay for our actions one day (either in this world and the hereafter). This is especially true when it comes to hurting other people as He may forgive the sins we commit against our own souls but He won’t forgive those sins that are committed against others until they don’t forgive us.

      I pray that Allah swt eases your pain and gives you hadayat (guidance) in your hardship, ameen.

      Apologies if you feel that I’m advocating for you to follow “Islam”—that is not my intention. I just wanted to give you some ease with my words and hope that I succeeded in my intention, inshAllah (if Allah swt wills.).

      I also apologize to the editors as I know the rule is that one should log in, write their post and then be advised accordingly, but I felt that this brother needed some words of hope and assurance.

      -Helping Sister

    • David, you are clearly deeply disillusioned and in need of advice. My suggestion is for you to log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll try to advise you Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

    • Sorry to hear your story David
      This would have happened even if she had such intentions and was from an atheist tribe in Timbuktu, a Buddhist from Nepal, a Jew from Israel, a Hindu from India or a Christian from S America. This happens to me all the time on my online profile that men half my age want to connect with me, but I am wise enough to know what their motive is.
      Don't blame a religion because of the actions of its believers...most of them don't know what they are supposed to know.
      Don't leave the straight path once you have been blessed enough to be guided to it

    • Unfortunately this happenes alot but perhaps you need to reconect with urself and ask urself why did u convert to islam in the first place i am also a revert to islam am originally from spain and i have experienced some very awful things in the muslim community and i have been used for papers too and am now a single mum as am a little scared to remarry but in the end allah says in tge quran that u will be tested . and we should deal our tests with patients and allah is with those who have patients and the actions of others humans should not come between you and your creator is a totally diferent relationship we worship allah to benefit ourselves for a better life in the after life
      I truly feel ur pain amd ask u my brother to ask allah cry to allah vecause allah sees and hear everything allah created you amd everything do you think allah does not know what is in ur heart ? allah knows ur pain more than urself and allah loves those that turn to him allah is merciful this life is short and the only happiness is found with allah everything else with one day desapear i send you warm regards and hope u can find within u strength x

  6. word of advice, dont change because of love! think and do your homework of this relgion, and becareful. Do what you enjoy and feel, also pray and ask god for direction if this is right. i know god answers prayers and if we ask him he will direct and show or tell us if its the right thing to do. becareful what you sacfice, in reference to your self, and others.

  7. There is no prohibition on this type of marriage in the scriptures, it’s just regarded as something that will be problematic because then a non-Muslim man may have authority over his wife and children. Muslim countries generally don’t facilitate this type of union, but will recognise it as a legal marriage if the marriage occurs outside their borders.

    In the Qur’an, there is only one verse that clearly tackles this issue. It is absolutely the main verse that states a provision on marriage with a category of non-Muslims.

    Allah says: “Do not marry idolatresses (al mushrikāt) till they believe; and certainly a believing maid is better than an idolatress even though she would please you; and do not marry idolaters (al Mushrikīn) till they believe (hata yūminū), and certainly a believing slave is better than an idolater, even though he would please you. These invite to the Fire, and Allah invites to the Garden and to forgiveness by His grace, and makes clear His revelations to mankind so that they may remember.”Qur’an 2:221.

    What kinds of “believers” are referred to? Does it refer only to people who have just embraced Islam? Or does it imply the act of believing in its broad meaning, believing in One God and a monotheistic Revelation, which includes obviously believers of other monotheistic religions?

    Obviously, the said verse is open to interpretation. However, irrespective of any interpretation, it is clear that this Qur’anic order applies to Muslim men and women equally. Yet, none of the different Islamic exegeses allude to this.

    Indeed, this Qur’anic verse that many commentators allude to says: “As to marriage, you are allowed to marry the chaste from among the believing women and the chaste from among those who have been given the Book before you (are lawful for you); provided that you have given them their dowries, and live with them in honor, not in fornication, nor taking them as secret concubines.”Qur’an (5:5).

    For the majority of the exegetes, this verse closed the debate on “the disbelief” of Christians or Jews concluding that they are neither disbelievers nor polytheists (Mushrikīn).

    Ibn Achour assumed the inexistence of a religious text that allows or forbids the marriage of Muslim women to Christian or Jewish men. He added that scholars agreed to forbid such marriage for several reasons related to the analogy (al quiyāss) and consensus (Ijmā’), while they confess that there exist no specific reasons of this prohibition in the religious texts[6]. As far as this scholar is concerned, forbidding the marriage of a Muslim woman to a Christian or a Jewish man is not based on any Qur’anic text or saying of the Prophet, but rather on a mutual agreement of scholars of all eras[7].

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