Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Converted but doubting my future

Hello to you all,


Long story short, I accepted Islam at the turn of the year but I am finding it very hard.


The friend who introduced me to Islam has gone back to Pakistan and I feel cut off from furthering my knowledge as I do not know any muslim women in the area and I am too shy to venture to the mosque on my own. On top of this, the change in my lifetsyle and faith has meant that friends and family who don't understand have lost touch leaving me quite lonely.

I am also doubting my future as a result of this change. I am not even 28 yet but I am divorced already. My friend had wanted to marry me but after talking with his family about it he went back to Pakistan and after only hearing from him once since, I have no doubt that something else will have been arranged for him by now.

I am very worried that I will now not re-marry and be denied my chance to have children. It is unlikely that I will be seen as an appealing prospect for marriage by any good muslim man and his family and as I understand it, I am unable to marry a non muslim man and I seriously doubt I would be appealing to a non muslim man now anyway.

I love Islam, but I just don't feel that its having a positive effect on my life. I now find refuge in my work and commit 90% of my life to it because it is a distraction to the absoloute dispair I am feeling.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I am fasting to have something else to focus on but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can not sleep and feel doubt within my heart all the time which makes me cry at night. I exercise regularly, again to try and focus on something else, but my mind always goes back to these thoughts.

I don't know where to turn and feel lost, what can I do?

- Ruby83

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7 Responses »

  1. My dear Sister Ruby, Asalaamualaykum,

    Firstly, congratulations on accepting Islam. Secondly, I want you to know that Allah(swt) promises ease after difficulty as He(swt) says in Surah 94, Ayah 5-6: "So verily, with the hardship, there is relief, Verily, with the hardship, there is relief (i.e. there is one hardship with two reliefs, so one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs).

    We are all tested throughout life so when one accepts Islam, how can he escape tests and trials? Allah says in Surah Ankabut, Ayah 2-3: "Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars".

    And further in Surah Al-Baqarah: "Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, “When (will come) the Help of Allaah?” Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allaah is near!"


    Shaytaan wants to shake and weaken your faith by making you feel that you cannot cope without your Pakistani friend, by making you feel that no nice Muslim man will ever marry you, by making you feel shy so you do not enter the Masjid and make Muslim friends.

    Sister, with regards to your Pakistani friend - you are feeling heartbroken. You thought he would marry you, but now he has left you and will most probably marry a village girl from back home. That has nothing to do with your faith in Islam. You accepted Islam because you saw the truth in it, not because of this man, right?

    You feel no nice Muslim man will ever marry you? This is nothing but a baseless assumption and fear on your part. Despite, the number of women we have complaining about lack of nice Muslim men out there, I would like to say, 'there are lots of nice Muslim men who will marry a divorcee', and believe me '28' is not old - Alhumdulillah.

    You are shy to enter the Masjid and make friends with Muslim sisters? Ruby, I am more than sure that any Masjid you enter will welcome you whole heartedly. I went to my Tajweed class this morning and a new revert sister has joined my class, not to recite, but to hear myself and the three other sisters recite for inspiration. She is part of our class and sisterhood, there is no difference or uncomfortable feeling whatsoever. We laugh together, we walk together, we eat together.

    It is evident that your despair is a result of your fears and because you are heartbroken and feeling alone, not because you do not believe. Wael posted this on - An Arab poet said: “I said to my heart when it was attacked by a fit of anxiety, be happy, because most fears are false.” Its so true!

    My dear sweet Sister, turn to Allah, I promise He(swt) will help you, He(swt) is just testing the strength of your faith. In a Hadith Qudsi, Allah(swt) says "Take one step towards me, I will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards me, I will run towards you."

    So, tomorrow, walk into your local Masjid and see how you are accepted, you will be happily overwhelmed, InshaAllah. Try it, what do you have to lose by trying :O).

    In the meantime, let us help you here as well. If you want one of the Sisters to email you personally, we can arrange for that. And if you live in the UK, I myself will be there for you in person if you so wish, inshaAllah. Just let us know.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. Assalamu alaykum Sister Ruby,

    Allah has blessed you with Islam, now if you turn to a non Muslim man or on a way other than Islam, it will be a sign of thanklessness to Allah for the Blessing He gave you and would be a way to the Fire of Hell.

    May Allah guide you life long, Insha Allah.

    My advice to you is short: Read the Qur'an with the intention of knowing the Truth, think deeply upon every verse you read, sit with a pen and a paper and note down verses which you do not understand and Insha Allah, ask us about them here again.

    Read the Qur'an with that intention, Insha Allah, if Allah's will is to guide you, He will guide you by His revelations and make you firm on the path of Islam.

    Remember, we have the Qur'an, a Blessed Scripture and now is your time to take benefits of having it.

    You may take the name of Allah and begin from here:

    The translation by Muhammad Asad is from his epic work " Message of the Qur'an" it is easy Insha Allah and will help you understand verses which you may not understand at first reading.

    May Allah bless you and help you in staying firm on Islam.

    Remember, the reality of this world is people come and go, born and die, but Allah remains forever, He is Eternal. So try to make Him your friend, and surely you will find your best friend in Him.

    Your brother,

  3. Asalamoalaikum sister,
    Firstly, congratulations for converting to Islam! May Allah swt give you hadayat to stay on the right path, ameen.

    SisterZ has given you some very good and solid advice; I highly suggest that you look into it.

    I can understand that converting to a new religion and having no support system can be difficult but do not let this deter you from the right path.

    It is stated in the Quran:

    Qur'an 2:153-157 Surah Al-Baqarah (The Heifer)
    O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer: for Allah is with those who patiently persevere.
    And say not of those who are slain in the way of Allah: "They are dead." Nay they are living though ye perceive (it) not.
    Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.
    Who say when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong and to Him is our return."
    They are those on whom (descend) blessings from Allah and Mercy and they are the ones that receive guidance.

    So you see my dear sister, Allah swt will test you with what you fear most (i.e.: wealth, children, being abandoned): in your case it is the fear of not being accepted in the Muslim society and finding a righteous husband.

    I highly suggest that you go to the mosque, do not be afraid. Like sisterZ has said, what is there to loose? You will be surprised how people will embrace you openly especially after finding out that you are revert because they will understand how you may need a support system. The mosque will become a place for you to worship Allah swt but also make some new good Muslimah friends who help expand your Islamic knowledge and be there to support and care for you.

    You also raise the question of finding a suitable Muslim husband. I think the mosque may be that very place that can help lead you to your destination. You may want to talk to the Imam’s (spiritual leaders) there and tell them that you are in search for a pious Muslim husband, maybe even a revert just like you? They will probably be able to give you some advice in regards to that.

    Do not be scared to come out of your shell sister, you really have nothing to loose and you’ll be glad that you took the steps you did once you find some nice Muslim friends, inshAllah.

    In the end, like sisterZ has said we are here for you so do not feel alone; you also have Allah swt with you!
    -Helping Sister

  4. Assalamu alaikum sister Ruby

    You need to find other Muslim women to connect with. I don't know where you're at but if you are in or close to New York City, I would love to meet you and introduce you to my friends. If not, I would love to get in touch via the internet. I look forward to hearing from you.

  5. Ruby- sorry to hear what you are going through- this is terrible. But it looks like you converted for your Pakistani friend to be able to marry, am I right?
    From what I have read of other people's stories on this site, it looks like this is something common with these men wherein they have relationships with non-muslim women and flee later as their families lay down whom they should marry. So please firstly gather yourself , get some perspective and if he has married someone else, then you need to stay away from the situation. As far as conversion goes, faith is a very personal thing and you should only follow what your heart truly believes and your head is able to comprehend not because someone else said so.
    Religion is a tool to help you cope with the ups and downs of life a- all religions recommend different ways to do this and you should follow what you are comfortable and can relate to whether it be Islam or some other faith. God has given each of us a mind and a heart to be able to think and feel and find our answers - we often fail because we don't realize this and rely on other people to move forward. You are the best judge of your situation - make a wise sane decision after conscious self analysis.
    God be with you!
    PS - there are translations of scriptures provided by various relgions on the internet- read through and use this to make your choice as knowledge is the most powerful too we have been given as God's children.

  6. Hi sister,

    Congrats on embracing Islam! As someone who accepted Islam at the age of 21, I can understand how you are feeling. Do you know any Muslim women at all where you are? If not, call the masjid where you live and inquire with them if they offer any classes for those who are new to Islam. If they don't...they can possibly link you with a sister or even sisters for help and guidance. Don't be shy...I know things are new to you but please take the step to venture out of your safety zone. Once you do, you will make plenty of friends and you will be glad you did. If you don't, the sisters don't know your out there and are in need of friendship and guidance. Trust me when I tell you that your sisters in Islam will be more than ready to help you in any way that they can.

    Also, I have to tell you something here. You are divorced my love...not dead. If you only knew how many amazing brothers out there are looking for an amazing woman to share their lives with! By reaching out and involving yourself within the Muslim community, brothers who are looking for someone to share their lives with will learn about you. Divorce happens, it doesn't mean that you are worthless or unworthy of marriage. You say, "It is unlikely that I will be seen as an appealing prospect for marriage by any good muslim man and his family and as I understand it." Whoever filled your head with that bit of info is dead wrong...baloney. You need to think more about yourself...I feel as though you have a low opinion of yourself...don't. Marriages fail for many different reasons, it doesn't mean that you are not worthy of finding someone who you can share your world with.

    I'm sorry you feel let down by your friends and family, I can imagine they are having a difficult time knowing that you have accepted Islam. It's very unfortunate for them that they only tend to believe everything they hear on the television in regards to Islam rather than seek the answers for themselves. My own sister went ballistic when she knew I had accepted Islam. Actually, we had a fight at public. In the end, she would accept my decision as it was mine and I wasn't changing it for her or anyone else in my family. They all came around and even though they may not agree with my choice, they have accepted it. Try as I might to get my mother to accept Islam, she will not. However...when I visit her, she wakes my for my salat. I love that.

    Never feel when you come to this website that the individuals here simply respond to your cry for help and forget about you...they don't. You remain in our hearts and our prayers. Please reach out to your local masjid...if you cannot or are afraid, simply give me the city you live in and I will do the rest. I will do my best to find resources for you, classes and yes, sisters to help you. Just let me know and I'm on it.

  7. Assalam O Alaikum sister Ruby83,
    Congratulations on accepting Islam and welcome to the family sister. I am sorry that you are feeling this way especially after the person who introduced to Islam left you. I am not sure about the reasons why he went back to Pakistan so I am not going to speculate, I guess the reasons he didn't marry you were probably cultural, parent's pressure etc etc (just guessing). Sister, remember that this beautiful religion of Islam teaches us that our only reason and purpose in this worldly life is to earn Allah (swt) blessing and favour and perform the good deeds which help us to get to Jannah.
    What you are feeling is human nature sister, we all long company regardless of our age, gender, cultural background, etc etc but remember that this in itself is a test to see whether you stay strong on the path that you have chosen for yourself? Look around and you will see a lot of brothers and sisters who are married or single and struggling in their lives. All I am trying to say is that everyone has their own set of tests and struggles and these worldly relationships are temporary, though somtimes they help us in one way or another but at the end of the day it's our own battle.
    So sister, turn to Allah (swt) and perform a lot of Nafl prayers, do dikr, do charity and try to help the people in any way possible. Remember, He (swt) is the all knower and best and only provider of everything we wish for. Coming back to your problems;


    Sister, there are so many ways that you can learn, stay and improve yourself in deen without even having the support of your family or anyone else. Start with going to mosque as someone already mentioned this, by taking a Quran tajweed course, by taking a course to learn Arabic or by simply going to mosque for Jummah prayers. Their are somen online courses to learn Arabic, Quran Tajweed but I would recommend live classroom courses because it will you to socialise and increase your network of friends Insha Allah.
    Sister, this will help you immensely because it will help you to meet new sisters, make friends, learn more about them and at the same time will give you an opportunity to get to know more people, their culture etc etc. If you live in London or in surrounding counties then I would suggest that if possible then, PERFORM JUMMAH PRAYER IN CENTRAL MOSQUE near Saint John's wood.
    The reason is that on Friday; their are plenty of brothers and sisters (converts and born). You will not only benefit from talk by the speaker in Jummah Khutba but also will have opportunity to make a few friends who might help you in many ways.

    Sister, first of all please stop thinking that being divorced is a big problem in getting married to a decent/pious brother. An elder cousin of mine who is in her late 30's to early 40's got married 3 times but got divorced but Alhamdullilah she is married 4th times and has a beautiful son Masha Allah. Every relationship has it's own challenge especially marriage, life is not an easy ride but it's not difficult if we have someone who respects, loves us the way we do for them. Oh! do you seriously think being 28 is too old to get married sister? Sister, these are all cultural things and have nothing to do with the religion at all. Women become mothers at all ages even their are some cases where the conceived well after their 50's. So, please try not to promote this idea of "being younger than 25 to be married" rather try to shun this kind of attitudes. What better example is out their other than the marriage of our beloved Prophet (PBUH) and Hazrat Khadja (RA), Subhan Allah, they were and still are our role models to follow.
    You can sign up on matrimonial websites (, attend marriage events (if you live in UK then google "Islamic Circles" "Muslim marriage events" "Emerald group/network" or "Zawaj"), participate in activities where you get the chance to meet new people for instance taking part in charities near you, attending lectures or other talk events etc.
    I am 28 (turning 29 this month insha Allah), still single but I am sceptical to consider a sister who is younger than 22/23 for marriage because a lot of them are still just checking the market (not all off course) or either studying (though I don't have any problem if my wife keeps studying after marriage but it's their own condition and I respect their choice:)). I have approached older sister for marriage just because I find them more mature and serious when it comes to marriage (just my judgement based upon experience). Also, not all the parents have problem with accepting someone from a different culture, social background or educational background (converts/reverts). Alhamdullilah, I can only speak for myself; my parents are open to accepting anyone as far as they are Muslim off course. Same rule applies to my sisters as well Masha Allah. HOWEVER, DATING OR ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE BEFORE MARRIAGE IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

    Anyways sister, keep us updated and as sister Z have said earlier, keep in touch with our editors (sisters) and also, we have readers from different parts of world, who have Masha Allah good knowledge of deen and in general, they would love to help you Insha Allah. Their are plenty of sisters on this forum from USA, UK, Canada, India and other countries who would love to get in contact with you and help you insha Allah.
    I hope I helped and I pray to Allah (swt) to make things easier for you in terms of deen and finding a spouse for marriage Insha Allah (Amin).

    Muhammad1982. Editor

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