Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Converted to Islam but can’t get over my ex

Teenage girl carrying a heavy heart

I converted to Islam very recently but I can't get over my ex. it's been 8 months since we are apart but my feelings for him still here... i dont know why i still cant forget him... i still love him & i want him to be back in my life but i dont know how to start a conversation with him... we still have communication actually he was my witness when i converted to islam this month.

when i used to see him my heart would beat fast... i want to see him again but i dont know how? i just always pray to Allah that hope someday i get over this feeling or hoping that he will be back... they said patience is virtue... i just i won't lose him even as a friend...

- aneesah

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41 Responses »

  1. Salaam waleikum sister,

    I think we have the same problem.
    I even don't know what to do.
    I just pray and ask in my dua's that everything will be perfect with him.
    And that he will come back to me.
    I love him very much and can't forget him and why he broke up.
    He said its in Allah's hand if we come together.
    I dont know what to do.
    Inshallah he will come back to you.

    • As salamu alaykum sisters,

      It is normal to love someone you loved, that means you have a healthy heart, you cannot stop loving someone just for the fact of not being with that person.

      Probably both of you had good reasons not to be together, maybe just one of you, and in these cases it seems to me that it is him the one that didn´t have interest in the couple.

      What would you think if I tell you to let him free, I mean to love him till the point to wish him the best that Allah has provided for him, and maybe it is not you. Why do you believe he is the best for you when he doesn´t move to be with you?

      For two people be together, both of them has to walk in the same direction, and at least show the same interest not just to walk in the same direction, to walk together facing whatever is in the path, as one.

      While thinking about this illusion you are wasting your precious time to get ready for the one that will claim for you, the one that will have no doubts about you.

      Both of you ask for the person to come back, please respect his own journey in this life, and try to think about the things that makes you happy and I believe there are many things in life that can bring joy to you, little by little, the real unconditional love will appear and when his image comes to your mind will bring you a sweet smile, not this bitter agony that you have now.

      Get ready, building up the basement of your own faith, pray asking Allah for your awakening to Him, for his guidence to acomplish your task in this life, .....not to interfere with others life.

      Real Love brings Peace to the Heart, even at hard times the remembrance of the Loved One brings sweetness to the Heart.

      All my unconditional love and respect to both of you,


    • As salamu alaykum
      sis, i just now open my mail and i saw your msg..
      well love is really hard to understand...
      i am thankful to allah cos now i accepted that me & him is over..
      although till now i still love him but we should move on...
      i just wish for his happiness...
      i believe allah knows the best for all of us..
      well all of us deserve peace of mind...
      if i always think about him nothing good happened to me so i must let it go..
      in time there is someone that can love & accept us for what & who we are..
      just always be more our self & have more patience...=)

      • Walaykum as salam,

        Unconditional love and respect for you and for the others, that is what you are talking about.

        Thank you.


  2. As salaamu alaikum dear sister,

    Firstly congratulations on accepting the way of life that Allah has chosen for us. 🙂 May He continue to guide you and add more strength to ur strength, Ameen.

    An important thing you haven't mentioned is whether or not your ex was a muslim?? Also is this an ex boyfriend or actually an ex husband??

    Regardless of boyfriend/husband, if he is not muslim then sister you cant have any form of relationship with him. He is someone who is forbidden for you as a woman is a muslim, who has surrendered her will to God can only ever marry a man who has done that too = muslim.
    Time heals every pain..and inshallah this is a case where you'd be sacrificing something dear to ur heart for the sake of Allah. Dont you think Allah will help u and reward you abundantly for it as well as give you something better in return inshallah ? 🙂

    If he was a muslim then I dont see what the issue is? If he was an ex muslim boyfriend then you guys can consider getting married inshallah. If he was an ex husband who was a muslim...then...erm we need to know how he's become an ex..As in how many times you were divorced etc and if there is a possibility of reconciliation between you two or not.

    Im sorry for not quite understanding who exactly is this 'ex' ..maybe everyone else does? lol...I didnt want to assume something and give the wrong answer.

    Keep up the faith sis and stay strong. 😉

    Was salaam

  3. (The Pagans), leaving Him, call but upon female deities: They call but upon Satan the persistent rebel! God did curse him, but he said: “I will take of Thy servants a portion marked off; I will mislead them, and I will create in them false desires; I will order them to slit the ears of cattle, and to deface the (fair) nature created by God.” Whoever, forsaking God, takes Satan for a friend, hath of a surety suffered a loss that is manifest. Satan makes them promises, and creates in them false desires; but Satan’s promises are nothing but deception. (4: 117–20)

  4. Salaam waleikum sisters ,

    Its really hard to stop loving him and think of him.
    He said also : its Allah that brings use together if He wants.
    When he broke up with me he said: Inshallah you will be my wife.
    The reason why he broke up is:
    He goes a had with the things that's good in his eyes.
    I still want him back


    • Walaykum as salam,

      Love him, but respecting his choices in life, he did wrong telling you these, because he sent you hope about him returning in your thought, but in fact he is gone, and you are not living your own life thinking about a possibility, not allouding yourself to rebuild your own life, for his selfishness.

      Love him beyond the desire of returning. Give yourself a chance to have your own life with real people that really wants to be with you, not just in wishes.


    • sis, in time...
      allah knows the best for us...
      just move on & enjoy your life...
      i know its hard but we need to try...

  5. It is tempting to keep praying for a lost love to come back. As muslims we believe that Allah is capable of anything, that miracles can and do happen. Women's hearts defy logic. A man does not love us anymore, but we keep loving him. It is heartbreaking. Moving on is easy to say, but very very difficult to do. I often think of a man I loved; only 5 months ago, he loved me too, but no longer - he prefers to be with someone else. He did give me false hope, whcih was not very mature of him.
    Yes, I pray to Allah SWT that he changes his mind and comes back to me, even though it has been many months. I pray, because I still love this man, and Allah SWT is capable of ANYTHING. But I also pray that Allah SWT brings me the best for me in this life and the Hereafter. Despite all the emotions involved, we have to understand that Allah SWT is the best of planners, and sometimes things happen for reasons that are unknown to us.

    • As salamu alaykum Precious Star,

      Nobody says it is easy, but while you are living loving someone that has chosen not to be with you, you are not living, you are just surviving, and you are stopping someone that really loves you from getting close to you.

      If your love is real love, you will love him forever, and that doesn´t mean you have to be with him, that means you will respect his choices, because he is the only one that can live his own life.

      Listening at you, I think he has failed you in a very deep way and you are still hurt, try to heal your hurt Heart with Allah´s(swt) Love, Forgiveness, Compasion and Mercy, this way you will get ready for the next step in your life, maybe with him, maybe with other one, only Allah(swt) knows, but now take care of yourself....everything moves faster when we smile from the Heart, insha´Allah.

      I really appreciate this phrase you wrote " ...we have to understand that Allah SWT is the best of planners, and sometimes things happen for reasons that are unknown to us" , thank you.

      My unconditional Love and Respect,


      • Dear Maria,
        I loved this comment that you made to my post. I felt that you could read my heart!
        I am posting again because I had a difficult few days recently. You said that you could feel that my heart remained hurt. Let me tell you something. I used to pray for my beloved to come back. I did that for about two months. For the past month, I have stopped praying for this, although deep down I wonder if my prayers will be answered at some point in the future. In other words, I am hanging on to the strong feelings he once had for me. I try to ignore them but they are still present in my heart and mind.

        It is a bit of a vicious circle. The more I hurt, the more I can't let go, and if I can't let go, then this man remains alive in my heart and mind.

        I have an internal wound that won’t heal. Like I told my mother the other day, there is a hole deep inside me that won't close. I can’t seem to get my wound to stop hurting. I have prayed that I get better. I pray and I pray that my wound heals and that I let go and move on. Yet, its been months, and I’m still really hurting inside. Its like, my wound won’t stop bleeding, despite what I do to stop it from bleeding. So, I don’t feel that that prayer is being answered either.

        I feel like my prayers are endless. Yesterday, when I was crying, my pious, angelic mother said to me: Your mother prays for you 24 hours a day. I sincerely hope Allah SWT answers her prayers.

        • You no precious star i no how u in a situation where i cant be with who i want. N i no that marias response is very sensible ie love him to the point of lettin him go. But that is very very hard to do. N to be honest i wouldnt want to love my ex boyfriend to that extent if i was married.wat i mean is i wouldnt always want to look bak at him with the same level of love. It has to decrease as you move thru life. Respect his choices. I think the best thing to do is pray for the best. Thats wat i do. But if u hav distance between u n ur ex slowly slowly someone else will come into your life. Someone who is in ur destiny. Believe me i no its hard. But leave it to kismet now n try ur best to find a lovin carin husband in a halaal manner. I believe true love blossoms after marriage. Wen u produce a life together wen u compromise etc etc. These exes of ours- we yearn after them but wat did we share? None of the things that make u strong in marriage. That is life experience and that is true love. X

          • Its hard to stop loving someone.. Especially wen u cant be with them.. Believe me im in the same situa.. I pray to allah if shes is the right one for me den brings me near her with devotion n love n place us together in marriage halal way.. I believe the reason y the love of my life wassnt taken frm me is it was established in a haram way.. U see relationship before marriage is haram n wen were having a gud time with your love u forget allah so allah takes that person frm u.. To u it will happen in a form of an argument.. N u brake but in allahs eyes its punishment for commintin zina sin.. So allah test us weather we astray or get closer to him.. I pray that i get her back.. Inshalah u gota be patient.. I knw its hard.. And im a guy..

          • As salamu alaykum Aliya,

            Beautiful words, unconditional love and respect. Barak Allah feekum.


          • As salamu alaykum h,

            I think you are in the right place and with the right people to go over your situation, you are surrounded here by beautiful loving Hearts ready to share and open themselves to all of us with all the Respect that all of our journeys deserve.

            Listen to their words, they have talked to you from their Hearts.

            All my unconditional Respect,


          • Aliya25,

            MaashAllah, I can see you are gradually becoming stronger. Our survival instincts are stronger than we think. You're thinking in a healthier manner aswell. InshaAllah, better times will come.


  6. Dear h,
    You don't know why Allah took her away from you.

    If she would have been good for you in this life and the Hereafter, then Allah is merciful and He would have kept the two of you together.

    Yes, premarital relationships are haraam. But that doesn't mean you can't marry the person you loved before marriage. Seek forgiveness for your sins and do not commit them again -- Allah SWT will forgive you, Insha'Allah.

    Remember that Allah is merciful. You don't know if Allah has taken this girl away from you because you sinned. He may have taken her away from you because there is someone better for her or someone better for you. You just don't know.

    I have prayed and prayed and Allah SWT did not return my loved one to me. I sinned with him, but I did not commit zina. I was a "good girl" all my life, and yes I slipped when I met him. Deep in my heart, I think Allah SWT removed him from my life because he wasn't good for me, even though he was kind, gentle and everything i wanted in a man. After all these months of praying, with no results other than extreme heartache, I have to assume that Allah does not want me to be reunited with this man. It is much healthier for me to move forward and forget about him. I suggest you do the same, otherwise you will drive yourself to insanity.

    Good luck.

    • As salamu alaykum, my beloved Precious Star,

      I´ve just saw your post, and I thank Allah, in just one day of difference I see so much change in your Heart, Alhamdulillah.

      Don´t worry about the circle of pain and miss, you are conscious of it, then it will not hurt you anymore, that is over, as you show in your second post. One step to solve anything and I could say the first one is to acknowledge a problem, you saw it and you suffered seeing coming, now you know the reason why you felt so bad for a couple of days, it is like a knot that we don´t know how to open, but once soften, it is done, Alhamdulillah.

      Don´t be scared of tears, they are the water that Allah (swt) has given us to clean our Heart, and yes your scar is being healed, and it will hurt here and there, that is normal, just the normal process of healing ... thank to that and to him, you are not anymore who you were, you are a wonderful awaken woman that is learning a lesson that cannot be paid with anything from this world, you are learning about unconditional love and respect to you and best of all you have given Allah(swt) the place He deserves in your life, and I could say you know what you want in a man from now on,Alhamdulillah.

      I´ve been listening to you here and there in this site and I´ve been a witness of your process, and Alhamdulillah, I see so much change in your Heart this last month, strongs ups and downs, but now it is like you are already finding that balance that brings Peace to your Heart, Alhamdulillah, your words when you talk are full of Understanding, Compasion and Truth.

      Be Patience, Loving and Forgiving to yourself . Give a big, warm, loving hug to your mother in my name, she bless us all with her Presence in this Life. And, for certain, Thank you very much for being so open Hearted, for sharing and for taking me into account in your Life, in essence thank you for being who you are my Precious Shining Star.

      Barak Allah feekum

      All my unconditional Love, Respect and Support,


      • Yes Maria, I know what you say is true. But while I know what i want in a man, I am dealing with the grief that I have lost not just the man I love, but also the possibility of marrying and having a family of my own. Islam is hard on muslim women. I am now 40, and no muslim man has ever been interested in me (unless he is looking for a visa, lol). I also don't live in a muslim country, so there aren't very many muslim men of marriageable age in my locality. Yes, I've done the online thing, my parents have spoken to their friends, etc etc. Never worked for me, or for many women who live in my geographical area who are over the age of 35. That is one of the reasons I have having such a hard time letting go of my dreams of this man. He loved me, he didn't care I was close to 40 (he was younger than me!), he treated me with dignity and respect. he was kind, intelligent and close to his family. He was educated and had a good job. He always said, don't worry we'll have children and if we don't it wasn't meant to be, I will never blame you. Will there be a wonderful muslim man waiting for me now with the same attributes? I seriously doubt it.

        I am not 25 with a wide open future ahead of me. So for me, the pain is very deep, the hole inside me is bottomless. I will attain healing only by ACCEPTANCE, and that is very very difficult.

        • I am sorry to hear of your despair. But sister, i dont no the ins and outs of your situation. I.e y u two parted. If there is a strong reason behind this then u have to try and accept maybe it wasnt to be. Because whether you are 40 or 25 there is no point in marryin the wrong person. Like i say im not sure wat hapend in your situation so its hard to say. Hope u find peace inshaalah x

        • As salamu alaykum my beloved Precious Star,

          Can you think about something that really bothers you? What makes you angry? you need to get annoyed to get out of that, survinving is not the word for you, have been down enough, now it is your time, move on, ....If you want me to make you angry I can do it,

          Do you realized that idealizing that man is giving you that bottomless suffering? You said he was so nice and perfect, and I believe that he was, but for whichever reason he is not with you. Go to facts, don´t let memories steal your Life and Energy.

          Right now he is a ghost in your Life and a source of neverending suffering, not because of him, just because you think about your lost after he was gone. You are using him as a excuse not to stop suffering, and worst of all you are seeing him as your last opportunity,.... thinking like that you are stoping the flow of Life, give your Life a chance, if you really want a husband and babies, go out there being your best, shining as a princess getting ready for that, ....Let life gives you a new opportunity, don´t close your doors, please, your age is not a excuse, the place you live is not a excuse, no excuses are valid, Life is given you always opportunities but you need to be with your senses open to that, and one of the thing that need to be done is sowing that hole with thread of Hope, that will make you flourish and shine, insha´Allah.

          I told this once to someone, and I am going to tell you to make the experience if you want, Go for a walk and smile, if you don´t feel it, just do it, I promise I will turn natural soon, maybe because you are thinking I am mad, but that´s fine, I am not bother for that, then see how people around you reacts ( and yes go out shining, gloss in your lips and those girl stuff), do it a couple of days, think you are a scientist making an experiment. And the next step of the process is changing your expression to a sad one, and see how people treats you or look at you. If you decide to do it , you´ll see what I mean, anyway I will be here to share if you want, insha´Allah.

          All my Unconditional Love and Respect,


          • Overall i totally agree.You have to view things as black and white now, he is not with u and that is for a reason. So it is not meant to be. Im sorry if that seems harsh? Sumtyms we as humans fantasize about wat could have been. Instead of focusing on what is in our life. I do it myself. If i could wave a magic wand to stop ppl from gettin hurt like this i would!! Focus on yourself.x

        • Precious Star,

          Just one thing more if you don´t mind, referring to your question if there is a muslim man out there for you, that man if he is here is probably asking the same question about if she is out there for him, insha´Allah.

          But if you dennied his presence without knowing if he exists or not, you are closing the door. If he exists, please give him an opportunity to arrive to your life and being recognized and alloud yourself to arrive to his life and be recognized, insha´Allah.

          You are the only one that can open your doors, you are the only one that have the keys that open your doors, and I know you know everything, I see it when you speak, but I would like you to know it from your Heart, and this experience is for that, insha´Allah.

          When we wash our hands, face, mouth, ears, head, the Name of Allah(swt), what cross your mind, do it as consciously as you can in the Name of Allah(swt) and you will see everything will turn differently.

          Thank you for listening to me, all of you are Shining Stars in my Sky.


          • Insha´Allah.

          • Aliya, Maria

            "Sumtyms we as humans fantasize about wat could have been, Instead of focusing on what is in our life"

            Yes Aliya, that is right.

            Both of your answers have me crying right now. The hard cold reality is unbearable. Because "focusing on what is in my life" is so terribly painful. When I think about accepting that he is not meant for me, I feel such a terrible, cold, pain that comes from deep inside me. It is true, though. Part of me still feels that somewhere along the road, God may have mercy on me and answer my prayers. But you're right, I can't stop living. Unfortunately, I am in darkness. The darkness has to lift before I can start living again. I wish, Maria, you could understand that I can want to marry as much as possible, and keep as many doors open as possible, but those doors have not, and are not, leading me anywhere. It is like looking for water in a desert. I can want and hope for water, but if I am in a desert, where is that water going to come from? Like I said, I know all the suggestions already about online matrimonials, going to religious events etc ... Been there, done that, and in my area these options are geared toward the 25-35 year old age group.

            I am in a desert. Sometimes I feel strong, that God will take care of me. Sometimes, I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. I don't know why God brought that man into my life at a such a late stage of my life, only to have my heart broken. I can't understand that, I just have to accept.

          • As salamu alaykum,

            I understand you, my beloved Precious Star and I do feel your pain and your sadness, I am sorry if you felt I was unsensitive to you, I understand every single step you are, and I know everything is normal, I understand what you think , but the point here is that I think you are marriable and when you come out of that cloud, you will see what I mean, but I am not in a hurry, take your time to dwell, it is necessary and it is healthy, ... I believe, I have faith, and I know Allah(swt) answers all the prayers, when they are good for us, and when we are ready for it, Alhamdulillah. And I know I have blind faith in Allah(swt), that´s the way I choose, Alhamdulillah.

            I cannot solve your problem, but I can help you to see that there are a whole world out there waiting for you to shine, just take your time,... the last thing I want to do is cause you more pain, ...I offer you my open hand whenever you want it, insha´Allah.

            I tell you something, I was studying about Hawaiian culture this summer, and I thought I will never go to Hawaii, and I will never meet a hawaiian in my whole life, but anyway I liked it. This was in July, in September, my nephew had a teacher that just came from Hawaii, and he was a native hawaiian. I thought, My Lord forgive me, you know the Unknown, you know all the ways. This is just an example, we don´t know how many doors are, you may think you know all, but I am not so sure. I try as much as I can with my attitude towards life keep them open, respecting limits and boundaries, but I can say I am quite open to everyone. I cannot control everything and Alhamdulillah, I don´t want to, then I learnt to respect our Lord´s Ways, sometimes I think right, and it is left, I surrender and go left, no questions, I accept, I move on. Everyone here had, has and will have their own ups and downs, and all of us in a way or in other has suffered, ... I respect so much every person in this site that shares, that comments, and I do admire your open Hearts and the deep Love that moves all of you to be there for the one in need. I´ve seen that so many times in so many people around, their Hearts broken but even then, they have the strength and the courage to talk to the other and say "come on, I am here, you are important to me"
            To meet all of you, to know this site, has been one of the best things that had happenned to me in this life. May Allah(swt) bless you all.
            I am sorry for talking so much, thank you for listening.
            Precious Star, I am a simple, ignorant human being, please forgive me if I hurted you in any manner, may Allah(swt) help me to be a better human being.

            All my unconditional Love and Respect,


    • Yes alhumdulilah! I am so pleased you have realised dear sister. It is like the removal of a barrier from your path - InshaAllah you can move forward and start properly healing now! I pray that Allah swt helps you through this and gives you strength and replaces your loss with something better. Ameen.
      InshaAllah it will be up from now sis!

    • I still want to marry the person i love. I wont stop loving him in the near future but as i said before depending on why you broke up, your life needs to take a natural progression. Its ok to love, n sumtyms we will lose. But to waste our life is a shame. If allah swt wishes he can turn circumstances around. Its best left alone and best to pray for the best but actively seek to move on x x

      • As salamu alaykum Aliya,

        Give yourself the time you need, your Heart already knows what it is the straight Path, it is just a question of time.

        I like your words, you are a straight person with a soft Heart, beautiful combination.

        All my unconditional Love and Respect,


        • Walaykamusalaam. Well we didnt break up because we had arguments or anything. But because his parents wouldnt agree to a cross cultural marriage. He is still working at it but we arent keeping unislamic contact. So i do still hope. Anyway thanks for your lovely words x

          • Im sorry to hav made u upset precious star n i do understand how you feel. There are other ppl i no in this situation. So i can see how u feel. To dwell on why you met him is counterproductiv.All im sayin is you cant rewind the clock and begin again. The facts dont change. B4 him you wanted to get married after him you do. He wasnt right. I no its easier said than done n maybe bcz of your feelings on your age your feeling things more. Have you widened your search? In terms of marital status, previous children, relocation etc?r u in the uk?

  7. Maria:
    You did not hurt me at all. You are trying to bring me down to earth and to face reality. That is the best thing for me, but it is also making me sad -- that is why I was crying (and still crying!). Thank you always for your comments. You did not hurt me! I know you are trying to help me get out of the darkness, the pain, and the grief. Someday soon, Insha'Allah, I will feel better and I will forget about him.

  8. Dear friends

    My ex of 12 years was unfaithful to me at the beginning of our relationship. he was also very loud in his mannerisms ie he shouted alot and got very agitated. HIs family wanted him to have an arranged marriage and he had alot of family issues responsibilities which affected him psychologically/ mentally.

    For the first 4-5 years he was ungrateful of my love and then one day I decided to leave. He stayed away for a while full of regret. we got back together after a while by this time we both had performed hajj and were practicing Muslims. He proposed to me and as I wasn't unsure I said that I would think about it.

    After a whole year I found myself still thinking about it. his affair was over 10 years ago and since then he has stayed faithful. however he still seems to throw outbursts ie talking really loud for no reason and I couldn't handle this. I spoke about this with him and he promised to change this habit but every now and again it would happen again and made me feel like I wanted to cry.

    one may wonder why I love him so much ( I love him so so much and vice versa to the point he attempted suicide when I left him the first ) He's caring,kind , open hearted, he has increased his knowledge in Islam he's very intelligent and funny. He's an "all rounder" what every woman would want in a husband. He's very hard working and humble. he "gives" slot and has taken many young people out of trouble etc and has helped families.

    The problem is I couldn't make my mind up whether to marry him or not so I decided to agree to a proposal elsewhere!! I panicked about my age - I'm 35 now and the proposal is from a man who has asked my hand in marriage several times. he is a practicing Muslim, honest kind and very genrous. he loves me very much and has already paid my dowry to my family. I have spent the last year with him and now it is official that we are to marry. I know he is good for me as ahusband and my love for him has grown however I have bouts of depression whereby I think of my ex. i ask myself whether I'm just being stubborn with my ex? I still in love with him and love him dearly. I can't bear the thought of any harm coming to him. But I keep questioning myself then why don't I marry him instead of marrying someone I don't love. I miss him so much to the point sometimes I can't breathe. The marriage with my new proposal is being arranged. iM so confused. I think I'm being unfair on my new proposal as I think about my ex alot. I have prayed and prayed ithikhara and I'm still confused.

  9. In the second para above I meant to say I was so unsure when he proposed so I said I'd think about it. And also he was unfaithful once at the beginning of the relationship. the habit he didn't change was the "shouting"part. Although he calmed down a lot. he shouted if he was passionate about something or if he got agitated.

    if you are unable to reply please at least pray for me that Allah takes this pain away and that I may be clearer in my thoughts so that I can make a decision as to who to marry.

  10. Asalam Aleykum , I can feel your pain , the same situation I have . I am converted to Islam he was my witness , no longer in relationship with him , he left me . I really hope that Allah will show u the right path .

  11. A salaam waleikum sister , I can feel your pain . I know that post is old but right now I am facing the same situation as you did . I hope that Allah showed you the right way . I really hope that you r happy now .

  12. Salaam waleikum sis , I know this post is old . I am passing thought the same situation as you were passing couple of years ago , I hope that Allah grant you with the man who loves you , and that you r happy now .

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