Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Could she really be my sister and is it allowed in Islam?

Asslam O Alaikum brothers and sisters!

I am a 28 year old single Muslim male living in UK for past 4 years. I have 2 sisters (real sisters) and 1 sister (not blood sister). I know (believe) it is not right as there is no brother and sister outside your family. I was a teacher of Biology, Chemistry back in 2003-2004 in a private school. It wasn't a co-education environment but still when the class will start girls will take the class with the guys (only until the period/session lasts and teacher is present in the class. Once class is over girls will have to go to different classrooms).

There was this girl N among the group of 8 girls, who had an affair with one of the guys who was not only a former student of the school but also my neighbour (I knew this guy very well because we used to go to same Play ground to play and also I knew his family too). Somehow, I became aware of their affair and one day I spoke to this girl in person and asked her about this guy. After denying it for a while, when I gave her proof of her affair, she admitted it and broke into tears and requested me to keep it a secret. I assured her that I won't tell anyone but I won't allow you guys to have this kind of relationship because it was Haram and teachers are like spiritual parents (As far as I think its from our "Religion" not a culture thing).

I told her that I can't let any of my students boy/girl to do this under my nose anywhere in the school in any class. If it was outside then it wasn't my business but now it is. I TOLD HER THAT SHE HAS 1 WEEK TO SORT THIS OUT AND ONLY WAY IS TO ASK THE GUY TO SEND HIS PARENTS OVER TO YOUR PLACE TO ASK YOUR HAND PROPERLY. She promised me, and it turned out that boy wasn't serious into getting married, just a fling/flirt or girlfriend stuff. After that she changed herself so much and she was so respectful toward me because I saved her that, she started acting like a sister (sometimes she would do so much for me that I used to doubt if my real/blood sisters would be so considerate, kind not that my real sister don't love me).

She is so so serious about our relationship that she still has some crazy stuff of mine from school (like wrapping of sweets, cakes, food or whatever we used to eat in the class bought from the money collected from students in the form of different fines. I know it's hard to believe but it really is true). She even calls me on my birthday when my real/blood sister would ever bother to e-mail me (though I don't believe in celebrating birthday when all you lose another year in your life). She even remembers the day (exact time) when I left Pakistan, her last call to me and even our conversation etc. She's been like a real sister to me and I always treated her as my real sister (but before any brother/sister think of anything I must say WE NEVER HAVE MET IN PRIVACY OR BEEN ALONE FOR EVEN 1 MINUTE). No matter, how much I stress she won't let it go, I mean this brother, sister relationship etc because not only our religion but also our culture doesn't allow anything like this.

I have had no secrets, my sisters and my mother know of her too (she never approved of her but she trusts me too much and know I won't do anything wrong). I never did anything in the "girls department" which will bother my mother but there are downsides to that too (I don't want to get into details here). This girl N has been so nice to me that I used to think sometimes that what if I had one more real sister like her.

Now, I have spoken to her recently, a few day back and she said she is getting married (in fact she has been delaying her marriage for a year or so just for me to come and attend the ceremony but I couldn't as I am too busy sorting out my life here). I spoke to her and been trying to convince her that after marriage it will be all different as no man (at least the ones I know)would like his wife to keep in contact with any man even if they just speak over the phone without seeing each other in person. I GAVE HER SO MANY REFERENCE THAT THERE IS NO FUTURE OF THIS RELATIONSHIP IN OUR RELIGION/CULTURE/SOCIETY BUT SHE IS JUST NOT LISTENING TO ME.

I would never like in billion/trillion years that my presence in anyway/anyhow create any problem for her in future.

Why I can't do this by just cutting all the contacts at all?

Good question but it's just that I have this heart that I can't hurt anyone. I don't know I am weird maybe because if I see an ant on the road/track in front of my bicycle I will stop and make sure that I don't run down those ant(s). I don't remember I ever fought with anyone but just once when I myself went to the guy in the evening to apologize for his mistake/ bad attitude and made myself a laughing stock (we still are good friends/neighbours). Also, we just live a few miles apart and I feel if I cut all the contacts then may be in future sometime we might confront each other. Then, she might say that she was true to her words being a girl/woman but I didn't give her a chance or didn't believe her. Then it will be very embarrassing for me.



Your brother MKS :(-

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9 Responses »

  1. Hi MKS,

    Just a thought, why don't you just send her a link to this post? It will show how distressed you are over the situation and will explain in detail to her how you don't want to hurt her but don't want to keep contact. The fact that you've looked for help in the matter will show that you care enough for her to be concerned but will make it clear that you need her to let your friendship go.

    You have basically said everything you want to say to her, it's just in this post.

    Good luck to you

  2. MKS, As-salamu alaykum,

    Obviously she is not your sister, and you cannot continue this relationship with her.

    I wonder, if she was so kind to you and you appreciated it so much, why didn't you propose marriage to her?

    You wrote, "This girl N has been so nice to me that I used to think sometimes that what if..." and I thought you were going to say, "What if she could become my wife," which would make perfect sense, but instead you said, "What if I could have a sister like this," which doesn't make much sense to me.

    You are absolutely right, no husband is going to allow her to continue this relationship with you, and in fact her husband will probably suspect her of being unfaithful, and it will certainly have dire consequences for her marriage and her reputation.

    Sometimes helping someone means hurting them. If you were a doctor would you say, "Oh, my patient needs an insulin injection or he will die, but I just can't bear hurting him with the needle." Of course not.

    Your relationship with this girl should never have gone as far as it has. You need to cut off all contact with this girl. Completely. Otherwise it will be a serious barrier and problem in her marriage, and then one day when you get married it will be a problem in your marriage as well.

    Wael Editor

  3. Asslam O Alaikum wrwb sister Ruby83 and Brother Wael:)-

    Thanks for your kind replies. Sister Ruby, I don't know if she still uses internet but if she does then I will pass her the link if we spoke again soon but I am trying to ignore her now and we hardly talk any more, may be once every 1-2 month and I hope it will Insha Allah work in my favour slowly. She was supposed to be married by now but for some family problems, her marriage delayed further. Once she gets married I will change my number,e-mail etc and break all my contacts with her. I hope she will be able to get along with her life Insha Allah due to responsibilities, without having me in her life.
    Brother Wael! That's a good question but she already had a few proposals at that time from family and outside but she wasn't serious about anyone of them as she was serious to get married with this guy who she had affair with but he was a flirt. I didn't want to just jump into the queue when her life was already miserable and make things more complicated for her. Because, it would definitely be an issue with her parents to see a teacher sending a proposal for his student because, due to lake of education in our society back home and they might have suspected us of having an affair.
    We both could have fought the world but going against her parents (even if they were wrong) would have been very difficult for her especially. After all, she cannot just cut them off after marriage and every girl need her parent's blessings and best wishes especially on that day:)-
    Wasalam Mks1982

  4. Salamualaikum wr wb

    Oh oH! you know what? after all you took her more than a sister...that's apparent from what you said
    "she already had a few proposals at that time from family and outside but she wasn't serious about anyone of them as she was serious to get married with this guy who she had affair with but he was a flirt. I didn't want to just jump into the queue when her life was already miserable and make things more complicated for her. Because, it would definitely be an issue with her parents to see a teacher sending a proposal for his student because, due to lake of education in our society back home and they might have suspected us of having an affair."

    bro once i was like a sister too to someone whom i considered as my big bro...i had my own brother but i should admit that i was more nice towards my "new bro"...i can give you many reasons why this can dont think your real sisters dont like you...maybe they'll be much nicer to someone else especially if that guy saved their life!

    for us to receive Allah's SWT help we have to first learn to admit our mistakes and then repent for that so that HeSWT will forgive and open doors of His Mercy and help us in every affair of our life! (im reminding myself before reminding you or anyone)

    Alhamdulillah i changed and i stopped contacting my "bro"....dont even know what or where he is's all shaytan's trick...we have to be very very careful....may AllahSWT protect us all!

    also imagine if your wife had a "bro" whom she's attached to and would want to keep in touch...honestly how are you gona feel about it???

    so bro dont from now on keep in touch with her...inshAllah AllahSWT will forgive and help you...otherwise you are creating trouble for yourself and for her...

    may AllahSWT help and protect us from the apparent and hidden plots of the shaytan and his allies.ameen!

  5. Salamualaikum Wr Wb

    i dint know where to write the followin but im writin it here anywayz:

    I was feelin so down after readin all the probz...but i learnt alooot! and really may AllahSWT bless everyone who are tryin to help the sufferin ones..may AllahSWT remove your sufferin in this world and akhira!

    but hey people! letz not loose hope! πŸ™‚

    May AllahSWT help us to be among the ones who keep their trust in Him 100%!
    DO NOT question plz!! if something went wrong then know that there's DEFINITELY something better in store for us by His Mercy!

    the main problem that i can deduce from what i have witnessed is either the wrong intention when getting married or not completely/properly following the islamic guidelines before, during or after marriage....ofcourse there are some who try to follow everything and still have to face worries..inshAllah there's light at the end of the tunnel! πŸ™‚
    and really dont you all feel a relief that there IS a life after Alhamdulillah dont think that any of your good effort was useless in any manner!....

    may AllahSWT grant us what is best in this world and also in akhira and protect us from His Wrath and help us to be content and grateful slaves of His under any circumstance!

    while we have so many examples that are making us feel almost hopeless i just want to remind myself and others that our role models are not the failures around us...dont we believe in AllahSWT? then He has told us Indeed in the Messenger of Allah (Muhammad ) you have a good example to follow for him who hopes in (the Meeting with) Allah and the Last Day and remembers Allah much.33:21 plz check out this wonderful article by Amr Khaled...but i wish he had stated the hadith sources..

    Dont worry my dear brothers and sisters! we are travellers here.....our stay is short and when we think that we could die this second then our anxieties wont be really severe...keep your trust in AllahSWT...for Verily He's Our Most Loving Lord Whom we havent even properly thanked for being able to breathe well 24 hrs a day without choking severly...Alhamdulillah for all the hidden and apparent blessings!

    may AllahSWT help us to be among the grateful slaves of His! and may AllahSWT ease any sort of difficulty for my dear brothers and sisters around the world and help us all hold high the flag of islam and be real Muslims in all aspects of our life! πŸ™‚
    Peace and blessings be on our beloved Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalam), his family, companions and all the righteous believers!

    • Dear writer of this post,

      JazakhAllahkhair for your words. They are so simple, straightfoward and true. You have given an answer that can be used by all of us in all our daily trials.

      May Allah have Mercy on us all,

      SisterZ Editor

  6. Assalam O alaikum sister "keep your trust in AllahSWT"

    Thanks for the advice sweet sister:)- No I don't complain that my blood sisters don't love me. Also, I have kind of stopped talking to other girl (sister) and Insha Allah I hope she will move on in her life. I will always pray for her to be happy in her life in future being a wife, mother, daughter-in-law etc. Because, that's how I think I can pay for what she did for me. I will never contact her again as this might create problem for her in her marriage or with her parents or in-laws.
    Also, I liked the article as well, though it was bit long but worth spending the time.
    May Allah help us all stay on the right path and give us strength in our Iman to fight satin. (Amin)

  7. i just wanna ask ok wen u feel like u love some1...u tell tat person ......u talk to ur parents ...but it dont work nd there iz no chance of getting married to tat person........u just dont wanna get married to other person or wanna stay single but still not possible nd parents force u to marry some one else..........what to do
    needed help badly

    • Simply - turn to Allah.

      You are feeling heartbroken and pain. Have you examined your self conduct? How have you managed to fall in love with someone? Is it pure or have you broken the Islamic boundaries? If you have do tawbah. This life is a test. Learn from your experiences, move on and improve yourself. Remind yourself of your purpose in life, it is to worship Allah alone. Do no let yourself to be forced in to a marriage. Turn to your deen. Educate yourself in your deen. Knowledge is power and will help you in all walks of life.

      SisterZ Editor

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