Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My cousin & I desperately want to marry each other, but my family will not agree!

Broken heart made of tilesi am in love with my mother's brother's son, he also loves me. their whole family knows about me and is ready for our marriage, but my family they don't know about this and they don't like that family at all but they are really good and love me a lot.

i want to marry him in the presence of my parents but they won't agree ever n ever, and he is forcing me if they don't agree then we will do marriage against them. this would be correct according to islam?

please help me and i dont wana lose him also. he will die if i don't marry him and me also.

- shaizadi

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10 Responses »

  1. Shaizadi, As-salamu alaykum,

    No, he wont' die if you stop seeing each other. And you won't die either.

    Instead of all this melodrama, why don't you try talking to your family? You haven't told them, but you say they will never agree. It sounds like you are making some self-defeating assumptions.

    Personally I am against cousin marriage. It is unhealthy. Children born to first cousins have a statistically higher chance of birth defects and genetic abnormalities.

    Cousins "fall in love" with each other not because they are truly good matches, but because in closed societies where young people cannot meet other young people for marriage, relatives are the most accessible possible mates. In other words, you can't meet any other boys, but you see your cousin all the time, so you "fall in love", when it's really nothing but attraction and familiarity.

    Instead of latching on to your cousin you need to get involved in your local Muslim youth group, join an online matrimonial service, attend some Islamic conferences, and ask around about eligible Muslim men. Or have your family do it for you.

    If you are absolutely determined to make this play for your cousin, then tell your family about your wishes, and ask for their blessing. If they absolutely refuse then accept it and move on, and find someone else Insha'Allah.

    You should absolutely NOT marry against your family's wishes or behind their backs. That would be a very bad move.


    • Salam dear
      Thanks for your suggestions but, i also love my cousin she 18 yrs old. i would like you to suggest us some sort of medical examination before getting married her as nowadays there are some medical diagnostic which helps prevent from defect and abnormalities.


  2. Shaizadi, Asalaamualaikum,

    I agree with Br Wael.

    Firstly, you are not living a soppy Indian film, Romeo and Juliet or Wuthering Heights fantasy, where being away from your 'love' will kill you.

    Secondly, if you want to marry a person for the right reasons, then use your God given intellect to TALK to your families; find out why they are objecting. However, if you cannot find the courage to talk and convince your families through reasoning, then you have no hope of progressing. So either figure out a way of going forward positively - or make a calculated choice to leave it and move on.

    Also - you claim to be 'in love'. I find a lot of people want to marry because they feel they are in love but when asked what they love about the person, they have nothing to say. Hence I call this being 'In Lust' not 'In Love'.

    'Love' is not just an empty word. Love develops when there is respect, tested trust, tested loyalty, common interests, good communication. Not just when you have spent time time watching each other in family gatherings and admiring each other's good looks. Maybe your case has not been like this, but I say all this, because often in Pakistani/Indian families, very little emphasis is put on what is really important in finding a spouse.

    Anyhow, if you feel this person is right to be your spouse, then take a positive step forward. You are an adult, use your gift of speech, talk to your families and take it from there. Seek your families blessings and support. Also find out how to do istikhara properly and use this prayer.

    SisterZ, Editor

  3. Salaam My Sister,

    I agree with Wael.

    If you are feeling a sensation of love that feels life-threatening in its power, then you can trust assured that is infatuation and obsession rather than love. Real love, is peace and mercy towards another in your heart. It is calm and relaxed, lending itself toward good behaviour and piety - a gift from Allah. "Love" that drives to desperation is not real love - it is a destructive force, fuelled by the desire to complete a goal, rather than the sincere peace and mercy toward another person.

    When we truly love someone, we have their best interest at heart and encourage them towards that best interest - even if that means sacrificing our desire to own the person. Love which revolves around owning the person and being with them, is a self-serving love powered by lust and greed and the intention to have someone, and own someone. Like all lusts, once you have achieved ownership of the object that you desire - you lose interest, because lust only serves lust and it is never satisfied.

    If this boy is forcing you to get married against your parents, then straight away I can see a danger sign right there. Love is faithful and patient. Lust is forceful and persuasive. Make sure you do not get carried away by this boy's intentions for you, and that you think and operate outside of his influence, and you make sure that his intentions are clean intentions and not desire-led intentions.

    I advise that you think very clearly about the way this young man is pressuring you, and to ask yourself : is this is love, peace and mercy or something else. Has he made any real accommodations for you which indicate he understands what is marriage and what is a husband - such as a place to live, food, water, sustenance and ideas about what he will accept and not accept from you as a wife, what you will and won't accept from him as a husband?

    I reinforce Wael's recommendations to you and send you prayers for sound logic and reason to help you to navigate your way through this situation with clear intelligence and mastery over your emotions.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  4. Walaihikum asalaam
    I would have to totally disagree with most comments above as they do not comply with the Shariah.
    Firstly, the issue of first cousin marriages is a controversial issue, however the point made is very true interms of scientifical analyses.
    However, the so called notion of Parents blessings is not in accordance with Islam.
    The idea of the parents blessings is true to some extend, when lust is involved, however if both persons wanting marriage are on the right path, so to say, and there is love between the two parties, then parents can simply express opinions and nothing further.
    This notion ahs derived from traditions, and are anti-islamic. they have usually been combined to Islam due to pre-islam subcontinental indian tranditions and are usually only seen with Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Indian families.
    If you love someone and wish to spend your life with them, and both are on the deen, then it is your HAQUE to get married.
    If you do not get married and you split and get married to other parties, then you are committing Zinnah. How you may ask? it is a deep issue..
    If you have marry another and you still think of the person you love, the you commit zinnah with the heart.. this is a grave sin in islam, and according to Shariah, is considered worse that physical fornication, as it affects the spirituality and mentality of a person for a lifetime..
    Please consult an Alim, or Moulana, who is not of the Brelvi sect and is of the Ahlus-sunnah wal jamaat and the ahle-hadith. This would include people of Tablighi Jamaat.

  5. Brother Mohammad Ibn Yusus,

    You have made some very bold but baseless statements in your post. Addressing only one those points: If two people have love for one another but cannot marry for whatever reason and then go on to marry other people, this is not zina in any form.


  6. salaam, iv married my mums bros son due to love, we were both in love. his family were happy but mine werent, however i convinced them. thats all u got to do. convince them. they ur parents and they done alot 4 u so u gotta have der blessing and trust me ul nid it. and islamically u r allowed to marry ur 1st cousins. so if islamically ders nothing rong den dats all dat matters. so good luck and inshallah u get ur true love with ur parents blessings. ameen.

  7. No one dies for each other anymore. That's only hormones talkin. And a verrrry stupid move, if it is done. Talk to your parents, try to convince them, I personally don't like cousins marriages cuz due to birth defects like br. Wael said. But if u must convince them first, because that would be the right thing to do. If they do not accept, tell them u might perform tis wedding without them. But I do not recommend this because ur cuz family will bad mouth you later for goin against your own parents. So get their approval please, and act like mature adults. Nothin to b ashamed of, u guys r not committing zina or anything. Marriage is a pure bond.

  8. I am dying, coz my love my Cousin got married to her cousin.
    Please don't let it go if you love your cousin.
    agr aap dunia ki baaton me aa gaye to hr roz maro gy.....
    Shaizadi plz marry him........
    May Allah bless you....!

    • What is the matter with all these people who are in love with their cousins? It's not healthy.

      It's a big world, people. There are billions of potential partners. Stop this obsession with your own family members.

      Wael Editor

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