Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cross Roads, divorce no.2

upset muslim woman, distressed sister

Greetings to all,

I am a Muslim woman.

I am going through a great difficulty .

I was married once before but had to divorce due to green card fraud from my ex-husband. He came from overseas.  I have a child from my ex.

About four years later after I graduated from college I was arranged in another marriage with a person with in the same country I am. He is a convert Muslim.

At first everything seemed excellent we seem to really connect .we would have squabbles but they could be easily forgiven or compromised.

But as we went into the marriage further almost into the second year  I saw  he had a very bad temper ,and was a very bad listener

 

I read books watch the videos on how to deal with such situations

and tried to apply the methods but it would not work not even once

He refused to go to counseling he just would not go

He also had a hard time holding down a job because he could not get along with his colleagues.

His rages would get so bad that he would start punching holes in the walls

and I could already tell that was not a good sign. my older son started to dislike his stepdad and I couldn't blame him

He even has his brother and his girlfriend living here  with us

and the girl is underage

and both of them do drugs and that's not right

Then one day he finally snapped and start pushing me around and hitting me as well

 

I pushed him back as well to defend myself

 

I cannot count how many times I had to call the cops

but it seemed to no avail

No one could get him to see sense his colleagues could not

his family could not

No one could.

Some of his family even blame me for his anger saying that I should not "do everything he says"

(Cook meals, clean house, etc.)

I called the cops 2 days ago after another fight

and something changed inside me

it was like I knew that he was never going to try to improve himself

he was never going to try to compromise and I knew what I had to do.

It was then I decided I had to get a divorce for the second time and it is very difficult.

The people belonging to the Desi world are very cruel to divorcees.

I felt ashamed that this is the second marriage and I could not save it no matter how hard I tried

I thought that if I was good to someone they would be good and return

but I was wrong.

I feel that everyone will judge me because this is the second marriage that did not succeed

even though I know it's not my fault even though I know I put all my heart into it

The biggest reason why I think this is the right decision is because I do not want my son to grow up to copy his habits

parents set the example for their children

and I have to break the cycle before it starts

I just want to know why is it so painful?

why do I keep crying and mourning as if somebody died?

I know I'm making the right decision but I want to feel peace

I don't care what other people think of me

but it still hurts

all I wanted was to have a family something that I've never had in my life

and despite my best efforts it did not come about the way I want it I really need help

I really need someone to talk to

I know it's stupid for me to ever hope for a third successful marriage

but as a human I can't help but think in the back of my mind

but right now I need to concentrate on the present

I really need guidance please help me thank you.

castiel2017

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5 Responses »

  1. Dearest Sister castiel2017,

    I'm so sorry to hear of the pain and suffering you are going through. You ask why it is so painful, and the reason is that it is a difficult situation. Allah will guide you through this time...please continue to have faith in Him and don't give up, because He is not giving up on you! I want to address a few things in your post.

    You say:

    "His rages would get so bad that he would start punching holes in the walls."

    It is possible that your husband has a mental illness, which is not his fault and could be treated with medication if he were willing to comply. Unfortunately, if he is not willing to go to counseling as you say, he probably won't be amenable to medication either, but you could certainly suggest to him that he see a psychiatrist. Even if he doesn't listen to you, it may plant a seed for the future if he is ever left with no other option, as it takes awhile to accept these things on the part of the patient.

    "The biggest reason why I think this is the right decision is because I do not want my son to grow up to copy his habits"

    This is very honorable and admirable. If your husband is not amenable to mental health intervention of some kind, you should definitely take your children's future very seriously!

    "I felt ashamed that this is the second marriage and I could not save it no matter how hard I tried...The people belonging to the Desi world are very cruel to divorcees."

    Please try not to worry about those who are not accepting of divorcees. They are in the wrong, not you. The people belonging to the Islamic world are not cruel to divorcees.

    "I know it's stupid for me to ever hope for a third successful marriage"

    Why is it stupid? Someone very close to me is on their third marriage, and it has lasted for 26 years! So please don't be discouraged sister!

    I hope that I have been able to give you some solace and hope sister. Allah will guide you through this challenge every step of the way, so please don't be disheartened, regardless of where Allah leads you.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  2. Sister, difficult situations require difficult decisions.
    You need to make one last attempt to take your husband for counselling. However, you have to physically separate your children and yourself from your husband and his brother and his girlfriend. You are right about this not being a conducive environment for your young children.
    It is natural to feel sad but you have to be logical about it right now before anybody is hurt either with the physical violence or consequences of drug abuse.
    As for judgemental people and their opinions, your safety and sanity is more important than their views.
    We all hope and ask for help from Allah. He is not judgemental and He can surely grant you a pious and loving husband. It is not stupid to hope for it from Allah The Supreme. Infact, I think it is a good sign that you have hope of love and life in the face of adversity. For bad times change into good ones and vice versa, that is a natural cycle.
    But, to keep going through bad times with a hope and through good times with humility is what is required of us.
    I pray for your ease and strength.

  3. Some things you describe about your husbands behaviour make me think he possibly has a paranoid personality disorder.
    It is the right decision. You can walk around with your head held high.
    Just try to remember how many people you know who already had a divorce. There are bound to be some. May I remind you that the Prophet himself married a divorcee: Zaynab bint Jahsh. In fact, all of his wives had been married before with the sole exception of Aisha who was 6 or 7 years old at the time of marriage (the marriage was consummated when she was 9).

  4. Dear castiel2017,

    I am sorry for the suffering you are going through.
    Please remain strong and try to keep yourself very busy so you don't have to think about this.
    Try to find a really good job to keep your mind busy and provide for your child.
    You need to set a strong and pleasant example for your child which I am 100% positive you are from what you have written.
    Bring your mind at ease by knowing that there are people in much worse situations than you.
    Thank Allah without fail regardless of whatever situation you are in and increase your Astagfar.
    You have made the right decision, you are not wrong, you are very strong.

    Also know that Allah has chosen you to go through this test he has laid out for you and you need to pass it with strong marks.
    It is totally fine to feel sad and to cry but try to channel that into praying and making lots of dua for yourself and your son.

    You will be fine InshAllah, not every day is the same.
    May Allah bring you ease and put an end to this turmoil.

    Much love,
    Em

  5. Salaam alaikum sister is sorry you have to go thru this, I can really see that you tired, gave it your all but still he wasn't compassionate enough to you. And that happens in life, u try your best to be the best for someone but u can't please them. Looks like ur main concern here is the community looking at you like the lady who can't keep a man. But deep in your heart you kno you are not the problem so altough the words of the community my hurt I hope the truth in ur heart will bring u peace. And one day you will find a kind person who will treat you better than you deserve. May Allah ease your pain and stop your tears dear sister. U don't need no man beating on u and scaring your son. If he won't change you have no choice. Wishing you the best

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