Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Crushing Dilemma

teenage teacher student

It’s so difficult battling my feelings. There is a gorgeous older boy who sometimes comes to my class and sits next to me and I have an enormous crush on him, to the extent it’s all I think about. All I want to do is talk about him but the others get sick of it after only 3 mins. Usually, when I have a crush, I don’t obsess over them but I find them cute but I don’t love them and I usually forget it a few months later. But this guy is different. For the last few weeks, I have been falling deeper in love. Even some classmates have noticed (they say it’s obvious, because I get all chatty and giggly) I can’t talk to my parents because they’re religious and will chastise me for crushing. I can’t tell my classmates because it will go around the schools. What do I do?!

P.S: He’s 16/7 and I’m 14 so not a massive age gap (or as the English would say, I'm Y9, he's a Y12 (Sixth Former and isn't Muslim)


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2 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

    Dear Sister,

    It is very common for teenagers to have crushes or infatuations, it's completely normal. However it has two sides, one side is where you feel a certain euphoria and the other where it can cause you pain and completely devastate you. You are only looking at things from one side. You are still very young and you have your complete life ahead of you.

    Most teenagers these days do get into relationships or develop friendships with boys. And most of those relationships don't end up at all, the way they plan. It mostly ends with heartaches and tears. To this point, whatever you have is only one sided. And you know that this kind of a thing is frowned upon.

    Lets take this a bit seriously, suppose if you were old enough. Your parents are not going to accept a person who isn't Muslim. A Muslim man is allowed to marry a non-muslim woman (If she is a Christian or a Jew) But a Muslim girl is not allowed to marry either a Christian man or a Jewish man. [If my memory serves me right, that is how it is. If i am not mistaken]

    Furthermore, please try to understand this, as I am trying to help you, and not trying to upset you. What I am saying, may perhaps sound a little harsh. And I apologize if it appears to you that way.
    The boy you like, his life is totally different from yours. And I don't think you know him well at all. Good looking boys are not usually in a hurry to settle down( That is also if you both were old enough).
    I am afraid for you, that if he found out how you felt towards him. He would be in a position to hurt you. Also there are so many things you are not looking at, that you seriously need to consider before even considering someone for marriage. His family's acceptance, finances, house, jobs, kids etc etc

    My advise to you is: If you have an innocent crush, leave it at that, and keep it to yourself. Don't go expecting more, or asking for more. He might not be all that, that you think of him. And that might hurt you sister. Being in school is also very difficult, if your classmates or he found out. they might use it to tease you. Think about how that might effect you personally, and also your studies.
    Also dating, or relationships are Not Allowed! so if you are thinking about him in that sort of a way. You better stop now. And that is what is best for you.

    I will give you a personal example from my own life. I was in a relationship for two years with someone, we were supposed to get married this past march. She backed out. I am completely devastated, I don't think I ever want to be in another relationship ever again. And my life is not the way it was once. And it's going to stay like that for a very long time.
    So please try to understand what i am saying. (Think about what I shared with you) There are two sides, perhaps you are only familiar with the good side of that guy, being human he might have a bad side as well. After which you might don't even have a crush towards him. Don't rush into anything right now.

    Believe me, today you are saying you can't stop thinking about him right? there will be a day when you will completely forget about that guy. It happens to the best of us.

    You asked me what should you do, in your situation:
    Do nothing. Having an innocent crush does'nt hurt. But something like this is totally frowned upon. Study the Holy Quran and having a better understanding of Islam. Then you will yourself be able to learn and understand things better in light of Islam. And will be better able to make your own decisions. The Holy Quran and Islam are there for our guidance. It is a gift we are blessed with none other then Almighty Allah (SAW) himself. When you make time to study courses in schools and make the time to do assignments and do homework for teachers in school. Do you think you should not read this wonderful Gift of the Holy Quran, which is given to us by our Creator?

    And please don't try to have any sort of relationships with boys. That would be not right. And can lead you towards many bad things. And it is often on this path that we meet shaitan that takes a keen interest in misguiding us from our path towards the Light. So dear sister follow the path towards the light.

    First make your relationship with your deen stronger, Make your relationship with your Creator Almighty Allah (SWT) stronger. These are the best times of your life, enjoy them doing the things that you are supposed to do at your age. Furthermore, if you have an interest you can go and learn in Light of Islam, about Marriages, The duties, and what qualities your husband should posses before you seriously consider someone for marriage. This might help you learn, what is good for you. And what kind of a person is right for you.But you are still young sister. And most probably you parents will help you find a suitable, and religious husband for you. So you don't need to worry about that.

    And even before that, first learn to love that people who are already there in your life, and start loving them. Your family, your parents, who have always been there for you, who did everything for you. who give you unconditional love, even in times when you might have not listened to them or up-setted them. Like we all have 🙂

    I can understand you have a dream, we all have dreams. But believe me in due time, your dreams will come true. (when the time is right and right now its way too early) And you should pray to Allah (SWT) to help you make your dream come true(because without His Help and His Will, your dream can never come true) And forever to guide you and protect you and help you in your hours of need.

    Take care.

  2. Salam alaykum sister,

    I strongly advise you to read the brother's post and act upon it. It's tough.....I know because I've been your age before.....the early teens are very tough ...we end up noticing the opposite gender for the first time, and the choices we often make at this time of life will often affect our future in many ways- academic, emotional, in all aspects.

    I just wanted to add one thing, to lower the gaze. In Islam, we're recommended to cast our eyes to the ground when we see a member of the opposite gender, to help control what we're feeling. You might think it's not going to help, or it's kinda weird, even I thought that, but it does help lots. Also avoiding movies that have love themes is a must, and romance novels and stuff that have become prevalent in our society, and music as well.

    Here are some ayat that have the commandment of that:

    "And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like palms of hands or one eye or both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer dress like veil, gloves, head-cover, apron, etc.), and to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms, etc.) ....." ( Surah An Noor, ayah 30)

    There's an ayah for the men as well, but I thought this might be relevant to you. Also some hadiths:

    Narrated Abdullah, r.a. in Sahih Bukhari:

    We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Messanger said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."

    I hope this helps as well. (I pasted and copied it- so maybe if you increase font size and read, that'll help).
    Salam alaykum sister, take care.

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