Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I get past my cultural/religious grudges?

Great wall, barrier, cultural barrier

"There is a cultural barrier that I cannot get past."

Hi, I don't know where else to go for advice. I am a young Muslim man. A couple of months ago i met this young lady in a game room, we only had innocent fun playing pool and stuff online and started to do that more often until i got the courage to ask her for her e-mail on an appropriate occasion.

Well we got to know eachother more. She is a Norwegian girl living alone like a branch that fell from a tree. She told me she was involved in terrible relationsships earlier and has been treated very badly and hurt. Her stepfather hates her for beeing the open minded gal that she is and forbids her own mother from helping her fincancially even.

She never at any point asked of something from me nor even hinted about it, but I started naturally helping her out. Filling up her fridge with food. Talking to her and beeing a supportive guy. I wanted to also bring the religion of islam into her life , and found out she was already doing research on the religion and believed in it herself. Now she is not religious per say, but she is a believer.

We started talking more and clicked very well together. We eventually promised ourselves to eachother for marriage in the future. Now I really still love her, but she had her faults. The way she dressed, she exposes her belly, legs, upper chest and arms. She had alot of make-up on and she carried the look of a very hurt but incredibly innocent girl. I changed the way she dressed because it attracted to much negative attention, Alhamdillah she understood and took it nicely. Her make up got toned down. But her hair is the only thing she never wanted to change. But as we progressed in the relationship, I found things like botox in the lips that she to this day is in denial about. And I started thinking about it.

I don't want to hurt her, leave her or anything. She left me as I clearly started to avoid her out of anger and now I feel just destroyed. I know I can win her back, but I dont want her to become a Muslim to marry me. I want her to convert for the sake of Allah. Plus deep down I dont know why Ihave this barrier that always reminds me of my children becoming half Norwegian. I just, I just.

But I love her innocent childlike thoughts, humor and laugh. I love the way I feel loved to eternity, and secure with her on the other line of the phone conversation. And I love everything else about her. I just realize I have grudges and a cultural/religious barrier.

How can I overcome it? What should I do?

- hsein87

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5 Responses »

  1. Brother Hsein, you are so confused about so many things that I hardly know where to start.

    1. You should not have gotten involved with this woman in the first place. You knew that she is not Muslim. I know it's not helpful to say, "should have", but here at this website we see this type of situation over and over again, and I want this to serve as a warning to all the others out there. Don't get romantically involved with someone outside of marriage, and don't try to build a "relationship" with a non-Muslim. It's a violation of your religious principles and will only lead to disaster.

    2. Your attraction to this woman stems from unhealthy impulses. You want to "save" her. You see yourself as her rescuer, and you have tried to fill that "knight in shining armor" role, buying food for her, and "supporting" her emotionally. You also tried to control her, telling her how to dress and wear her makeup. This is not a healthy relationship. For one thing, you cannot save or change anyone and it's folly to try. Secondly, there are only three possible outcomes. 1. - she continues to play the role of the victim and you of the rescuer, until one of you gets sick of the roleplay (it sounds like this has already happened). 2 - she changes for you but resents it. 3. - she changes and then you no longer find her attractive because she she doesn't "need" you (in fact you may be threatened by her new sense of independence).

    Beyond all of this, you are bigoted against her because of her nationality, and still you imagine to "save" her? How can you help and guide someone when your heart is not pure?

    Where has Islam been in all of this? Have you been guided by Islamic principles? Have you been conscious of Allah? Your behavior has been far from the mark of what a Muslim should be. From the very beginning your involvement with her was un-Islamic and inappropriate.

    Your attempt to control this girl and mold her into what you think she should be has already backfired on you.

    Consider this a painful lesson. Let this girl go and try to forget about her. Look for a Muslim woman with whom you share a bond of faith and religious principles.

    If you are absolutely determined to proceed (and I offer this last bit of advice reluctantly, and only as a last resort), then ask the Norwegian girl to convert to Islam and marry you. If she agrees, then marry her and make the relationship halal. As far as your bigotry or resentment against Norwegians, get over it. And as far as her past and what she may have concealed, once again get over it. If she converts to Islam then her past is no longer relevant.

    But again, my real advice is to seek a Muslim woman in a good, halal way.

    Wael Editor

  2. I think Wael's reply is excellent maasha'Allah!

    This relationship from the start is not one that is accepted in Islam. Furthermore the young girl seems troubled, when she gains confidence and becomes happy with whom she is, she may not want to be so smothered anymore. If this girl was already a practising muslimah and happy in her identity, I would of course say 'go for it'. But she is far from stable. Bro, if your mindset was focussed on Allah, you would not be be-friending women in this manner and you would be looking to marry a Muslim woman who loves her deen. I think this episode should make you question your relationship with Allah and your way of life more than anything else.

    SisterZ Editor

  3. I'm confused (again) I understand that he's not supposed to have this friendship, but I thought followers of Islam were supposed to introduce Islam to others as part of their faith? So is he not doing this? Also why is he being told to find a Muslim woman? I thought it was a case that Muslim men could marry anyone as long as they believed in the one god (christian jewish, ect) and if they converted to Islam then all the better?

    I think he's seeing her as a bit of a charity case or a project (which I don't see as a good thing, she is her own person after all) but is charity not part of Islam also? Is he not being a good Muslim by trying to be kind and charitable to this person (even if it is with something else in mind).

    I'm sorry if I've miss understood.

    In saying this though, I don't think the "relationship" sounds healthy. Perhaps you should learn from the experience not to discriminate. Just because she's from Norway, on her own and vulnerable, doesn't make her a bad person, someone that you need to change. It just means she's normal.

    • Ruby,

      I understand your confusion, but its quite simple really. Of course introducing Islam to others is highly recommended, in fact its an obligation upon every Muslim. Allah says in the Quran in Surah Al Asr:

      1. By Al-'Asr (the time).
      2. Verily! Man is in loss,
      3. Except those who believe (in Islâmic Monotheism) and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth (i.e. order one another to perform all kinds of good deeds (Al-Ma'rûf)which Allâh has ordained, and abstain from all kinds of sins and evil deeds (Al-Munkar)which Allâh has forbidden), and recommend one another to patience (for the sufferings, harms, and injuries which one may encounter in Allâh's Cause during preaching His religion of Islâmic Monotheism or Jihâd, etc.).

      So we need to 'recommend one another to the truth' while making sure that we ourselves are doing 'righteous good deeds'. This man formed a relationship with this girl, but he did not remain within the boundaries of Islam.

      Islam does allow a Muslim man to marry women of the Book (Jews and Christians), but it is better for him to marry a good Muslim woman as she will help his household flourish Islamically, this is much better. I cannot see how this woman will help his household to flourish Islamically. If she becomes a pious Muslim, then that is a different question. But it is not right for the man to use the excuse that he is doing dawah to this woman to lose his Islamic morals and principles. This is hypocrisy and there is no hypocrisy in Islam.

      The best form of inviting someone to Islam is through the example of one's own upright Muslim character.

      SisterZ Editor

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