Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t get along with my husband’s shallow Iranian community

Salamu Aleikum,

Now that my first problem has been solved ("I'm jealous, what can I do about it?"), another problem has occured in my life.  My husband is of Iranian origin, whereas I'm European. I have been married to him for the last 9 years, he's my stepcousin.

His mother liked me at the beginning, but when she realized that I'm not like an Iranian woman, she offended my looks, we had cultural misunderstandings and she didn't like me at all and showed it clearly to me. In front of her son, she loves me, but when he's not there, she's different.

She knows I feel insecure, and she praises the beauty of other daughters in law all the time in front of me. We don't have children yet and my husband doesn't want it as well. We enjoy our time together, travel around the world...and he lives in Europe. She thought I would move to Iran to live with my husband, but I never intended to do that. I'm a very pious Muslim and try not to backbite and hurt others. When I'm in Iran, I realize there aren't any boundaries between people and I get hurt. Then they call it oversensitive. I take my religion very seriously, but I can't deal with that culture. Their weddings are full of luxuries , jewelery and they show off with their wealth all the time. They look at me as the stranger, the European, the "kharejee" who doesn't know anything.

Me being a good Muslim, wearing scarf in Europe and being pious is left aside. I'm forced to dress up all the time when among women, full of make-up, in order to make my in-laws proud. I feel like an artificial dolly when I'm there.

My husband's community doesn't accept me as well. They say offensive things all the time, when I don't understand something in farsi, or they start talking or backbiting, or even winking at me. Although she is cunning and would never admit it in front of her son, she hates me and I feel her hatred whenever she talks to me. I love my husband, but I'll never be able to live there, I feel I can practise my religion better in the West than in this nation full of shallow people and satellite TV. I fear he will cite the wish to return, but I can't follow him.

He's my whole life, my everything, and very often, he says he doesn't have anything in common with them. But if I have children with him, where will they live? How will they be raised? I don't get on well with this Iranian community, and I don't like to be watched by my mother in law with this critical eye, she hates and despises me. And she praises her son in front of me, says things like: My son is a prince, the most beautiful creature on earth, masha allah........ She's talking about looks all the time and wants to find flaws in everybody.

Please help me, I suffer from depression, got headaches and whenever I'm thinking too much, it kills me. My husband says in the Middle- East, it's normal to offend looks, and that he can't defend me, I have to do it. I'm not a child, bla bla bla.

I hate myself, my husband loves me, but why does she hate me so much? I have brought her son closer to God, he prays, he's fasting, he's religious.......lowers his gaze, and I have made him not forget his religious duties abroad. My own family doesn't interfere and they respect my freedom. In my non-Muslim family, I see more boundaries and respect than in my husbands 'pious' family.

Please help me, I love my husband, but I can't deal with that situation. Somehow I feel my husband is a coward and is like a 4 year old child in front of his mom although he's 29. He leaves me alone, he doesn't integrate me or stand up for me. He says you're not a child, defend yourself.

What am I supposed to do? This culture is too difficult for me to understand. Also I don't understand their akhlaghs.

Wasalam, thanks for any kind of advice.

- naji

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23 Responses »

  1. Wa alaykum as salam Sister Naji,

    Ask Allah (swt) to help you to be your best, don´t judge others, be yourself, be confident, learn to stand by yourself and how to deal with them without being hurt, insha´Allah.

    You need to go to your roots and see who you really are, once there won´t be too easy for anyone to move you from your center and you will be able to deal with almost any situation, insha´Allah.

    You are stronger than you think.

    Your husband chose you and you have been married 9 years, that means something. Related to the babies you should talk to him about that, it is really important.

    Keep praying while you are with your family in law, they don´t need to know how much you pray, that may help you, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María

  2. Oh my god..........this is my topic!!!!!!

    Listen, Sister, Iranians are very shallow and love to compete with each other, offend looks or just

    to be nosy. What you need is a European-button and an Iran-button. When you're with Europeans,

    have good manners and be nice. When you're with Middle-Easteners, forget about your good manners

    and fight back. Be mean, ruthless and a player. This is what they need. Treat them the way they treat

    you- they haven't deserved any better. Be noisy and show off. Be like them, don't show them they can

    hurt you. Just reply something back and feel relaxed. Let off steam. Instead of annoying yourself, annoy

    them. They haven't understood the Islamic way of akhlagh- they don't live according to these teachings, so

    just fight back and be ruthless and mean. Backbite as they do- be mean as they are. I'm sorry, I know this

    is not a life à la Muhammad s.a.v.a.s. but it is a life à la Iran. Tell them how great your husband is, how

    beautiful you are even if you don't really find it and wear ten kilos of jewellery. Show off with all you have-

    and don't take anything personally. If you have long hair, dy it and style it. If you have big breasts, wear a

    push-up bra. If you have beautiful eyes, use an eye-liner that is going to enlarge them. If you are thin, wear

    tight stuff. And never forget to fight back with your claws- all girls have them.

    I wish you good luck and forget about Islam as long as you're in Iran. When you return, think of it again:) in

    the nation of so-called "unbelievers".

    Fi Aman Allah

  3. Salaam My Sister Naji,

    I am sorry that you are in a situation where you have to force yourself to get on with people who are shallow and mean spirited: that is an awful experience indeed, especially when they are family.

    What you and your husband do is no one else business but yours. I think the reason that this is affecting you is because you are taking their behaviour on board which indicates a degree of lack of self confidence.
    Having said that, it is very difficult to be resistant when you are around a destructive attitude 24/7 and trying to play by the rules of kindness and respect.

    What you need is a mechanism inside you which triggers a more powerful reaction that the mechanisms that are working at the moment. What I mean by that is at the moment it goes like this:

    Mother in law says something offensive
    You get upset
    You suffer internally
    You seek to understand why this is happening and it makes you feel bad / negative / look down on your husband (a little bit)

    This is not working for you, because this reaction has no impact on what is going on. You are in a cycle which cannot be changed, and you keep suffering - only the problem, is that everyone has a limit and you can't stay silent like this forever.

    A good place to start is to imagine yourself as a teacher in the room, teaching a bunch of children about wisdom. When the child volunteers some information - the teacher nurtures their thinking, even if that thinking is wrong. For example, a teacher may say - "what is two plus two?" and one child may shout "three!" the teacher will then say: "how did you get to that conclusion?" so the child has to explain how they worked out the problem and how they arrived at the answer. Now. Just because people are grown up in age, it does not mean that they have grown up mentally. So, imagine yourself always, ALWAYS as the teacher in the room and it will go something like this:

    Mother in law says something mean / rude / offensive
    YOU (the teacher) say: "how did you come to that conclusion?" or "what does that mean?" or "how will this thing that you have said improve my life?"
    Mother in law responds.

    Basically - the affect that you have when you take the perspective of teacher, is that you force the speaker to review their own statements to make sure they make sense. Sometimes, the speaker will become embarrassed, other times - angry, other times: you find yourself in deep conversation.

    Acting as a teacher in the situation will give you a degree of emotional distance from the situation and also enable you to exert some control, without betraying your values and morals. This is "sunna" - example, way of being : teaching others through our own way of being.

    Immediately stop doing everything that you are doing against your will, and be happy with it. If they don't like it, they don't have to: do not give in. Be a rock!

    You will get a hard time for it, and you will get talked about, gossiped about etc etc -but this can only go on for so long, before they realise that you have caused no harm in anyone. Your way of being is more powerful than any backbiting that anyone can create: you just need to stand firm in who you are and not give in. Ever.

    So the next thing I wanted to talk about was your thoughts and fears for the future. The truth is - there is no point worrying about something if there is no sign that it is going to happen. This is your fear taking over your thought process and rationale. Until the day your husband says "I want to go to Iran" - you must eliminate that thought from your mind and focus on the wonderful life you have together, far far away from his family.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  4. Ay yay yay, Jannah, that was terrible advice! SubhanAllah. Usually you give good advice, but this one was so off the mark I thought maybe you were being sarcastic. In fact if you titled your advice, "What NOT to do," then I would agree with you.

    Sister Naji,

    Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The problem is not the Iranian people or culture. They are who they are. The problem is you, that you let other people's comments and attitudes affect you so deeply.

    You bemoan the way your mother-in-law treats you and you say, "Why does she hate me so much?" The answer is, who knows. She's a witch, that's why. She is what she is and you are not going to change her. In fact, you are not going to change anyone. Not your in-laws, nor your husband's "community", nor the Iranian culture.

    There's only one person you can change, and that's yourself. I'm not suggesting you change your good character or religious personality. In fact, my advice to you is, be true to Allah, and be true to yourself. The change you need to make is to find a way to let other people's opinions slide off your back like water off a duck. You need to become internally strong, comfortable with who you are, and unconcerned with other people's nasty attitudes.

    I really like Jannah's comment above because I can point to it and say that my advice is to do the opposite of everything she has described. Do NOT try to compete with the Iranian women. Do not be mean, or backbite, or get involved in their intrigues. Be yourself, and if that's not good enough for them then you should know that it's good enough for Allah, and that's all that matters.

    I strongly suggest that you see a counselor to talk about these persistent issues of insecurity, depression and jealousy that you have been experiencing. The answer lies within yourself, nowhere else.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As salamu alaykum,

      Wael instead of calling this woman (mother in law) a witch, I will give you other point of view, .... first of all this mother in law is the mother of her husband and the door to enter Paradise is under the mothers feet, then something to respect, I agree she is not perfect, but who is the one perfect here?She liked her at the begining because she thought, she was like them and easy to manage, with time she realized, that Naji is pretty, intelligent and religious and beyond that, her son loves her, has improved and stays happily married to her. How can she express her jealousy about Naji ? Bothering her where it hurts, making her feeling down and uncomfortable. She is the one feeling inferior and projects all her negativity to Naji, wich is ready to receive it due to her insecurities. Then, the mother in law is just a woman with lot of insecurities herself, if Naji learns to be confident, compassionate, respectful and loving despite all this interferences, the mother in law will learn from her, but not because she is going to give her any lessons just because she will shine so strong that will be an example for others to follow, this takes time and suffering, and I don´t see a way to avoid it, it is a day by day task, ...insha´Allah.

      Naji , I agree with Wael you should seek counselling to get read of your insecurities and become stronger, this way you will learn tools to be able to deal with your own weaknesses and learn how to live with people and not feeling hurt by their behaviours, insha´Allah.

      Allah(swt) knows best.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María

  5. Salams bro,

    What does ay ay ay mean? Is that an Arabic expression and means oh oh oh? Ok, I admit that my advice

    was not Islamically correct, but I'm pretty young and I'm part of an Iranian community as well. What Sis

    Leyla wrote was perfect and what Wael said even better, but Iranian women are cunning and players.

    If you try to teach them, they are going to laugh at you. They talk to their husbands about physical flaws

    of other women. How is the Islamic approach to that? If anyone of the editors knows, please tell me.

    Sometimes children don't want to listen even if you teach them. They scream or shout at you, and dance

    on the tables. Of course backbiting is wrong, of course hurting others is wrong; many people have such

    a strong connection to Allah Ta'ala that they don't get affected by the wrongdoings of others. But in reality,

    people are vulnerable and tend to defend themselves before they think of their relation to God.

    And we are vulnerable. The tongue can cause a lot of suffering- and it is very hard not to reply to an insult.

    I think most of us do. Remaining calm and having such a strong connection with God that you don't care

    is hard- it requires a lot of work, energy and patience. Insha allah we will all reach that level. Brother Wael,

    in Iran we are segregated and it is a constant showing off- when people attack you will you never say

    anything in return?

    I didn't have bad intentions, but the world of women is cruel in general and being defenceless is not always

    useful.

    • I know you didn't have bad intentions. I'm not suggesting being defenseless. I'm suggesting being beyond the need to defend yourself against verbal attacks.

      "And when they hear ill speech, they turn away from it and say, "For us are our deeds, and for you are your deeds. Peace will be upon you; we seek not the ignorant." (Quran 28:55)

      I'm also not saying she should teach them how to behave. Let them do what they wish. Their words have no power over her except the power she gives them.

      "And let not their speech grieve you. Indeed, honor [due to power] belongs to Allah entirely. He is the Hearing, the Knowing." (Quran 10:65)

      I'm not a woman, but I'm a Muslim in the USA and I've heard my share of insults. I've been mocked, told that the Arabs should be atom-bombed, called a sand-ni***r and towelhead. It doesn't matter. Ignorance will always exist in the world. The way of Islam is to speak the truth, then be on our way.

      "And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace." (Quran 25:63)

      We don't reciprocate evil with evil, and we certainly don't lower ourselves to their level. We speak our truth, remembering Allah and following the Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh), then we move on, knowing who we are, and confident in our relationship with Allah.

      "And do not obey the disbelievers and the hypocrites but do not harm them, and rely upon Allah. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs." (Quran 33:48)

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. From Imam Malik's Muwatta: Book 47, Number 47.1.7:
    Yahya related to me from Malik that Yahya ibn Said said that he heard Said ibn al-Musayyab say, "Shall I tell you what is better than much prayer and sadaqa?" They said, "Yes." He said, "Mending discord. And beware of hatred - it strips you (of your deen)."

    "You do not do evil to those who do evil to you, but you deal with them with forgiveness and kindness." (Sahih Al-Bukhari)
    ------------------------------

    The standard Islam sets for us is a reflection of everything good we can be as people.No wonder the one better in character will be better in religion because they are so closely connected. We as Muslims are very much part of a social religion that forces us to always rise to the occasion. Standard and expectation is high and rightly so. When man feels he is truly functioning at his best, he finds himself in a sense of peace and contentment. If he is not he gets stressed/depressed which either forces him to deal with his conflicts or he/she just gets fat (ie finds a temporary fix to get his/her mind off the core issues, sometimes it's sleep,and worse it's alcohol/drugs/other sinful actions.

    May Allah swt Protect us from the evils of ourselves and may He make it so we are able to reach the standard Islam sets..Ameen

    Umm Abdullah
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister. Im sorry to here the problems you are going through - am not here so much to offer advice, more of a comfort - am sorry.

    I just wanted to remind you not to stoop to their level. Admittedly, I dont know what Iranians are like, but I do feel a lot of frustration at people like that who I see in my every day life. A lot of the comments they say are very hurtful. I am also oversensitive- i love to help others but tend to be either too passive or when wronged too aggressive - so I understand this.

    Just remember though: That Allah swt is watching. If you are patient, He will reward you. I found it! I wanted to share this with you, which I find very beautiful - SubhanAllah:

    A person who hears of his own gossip

    One day they told Hasan Basri:
    “So and so person backbited about you.” Upon hearing about this Hasan Basri sends the backbiter a plate of fresh dates with this message attached:

    “I heard that you gifted me your good deeds, I wish I could return the favour but I cannot.
    Kaynak: askaquestionto.us - How Should a Person Behave Towards Those Who Backbite Near Him/Her? Please forgive me!”

    Backbiting is a bin sin, and those who you backbite about you will owe. (Im aware that you dont - I just dont want you to stoop to their level) What im trying to say is - they are simply gifting you their good deeds by wronging you this way. Be patient - try not to be rude.

    . Know that the problem is with them not you. If you have deen and morals dear sis - you are very beautiful. Good looks an wealth fades. Even though I am sure you are beautiful in looks too MashaAllah - this too will fade. The only thing lasting is ur deeds. (How beautiful will we all be in Jannat InshaAllah?)

    "There is nothing heavier upon the balance except a good character"
    So my dear sis - be strong. Feel SORRY for them and try to let it wash over you. As sis Leyla advised me - "basically, there are a million reasons why someone may be acting or speaking the way they are, and other people's behaviour is rarely about YOU - most of the time, other people's behaviour is about THEM and what THEY are experiencing." Stick a label on them - its how they are - its not about you. Am sorry I could not offer anymore practical advice but I was a bit worried when I saw some of the replies.(Sorry sis Leyla, your advice was so useful MashaAllah im plagiarising it 🙂
    Trust me, I have tried fighting back with harsh words and it does not work. It only makes you further from your deen, and more hurt.

    Lastly, if you feel they have overstepped the mark - dont be afraid to defend yourself. Or take what they say as a joke.
    Dear sis, I pray that you (and me) find peace and contentment and may Allah swt make us more immune to others comments.
    Ameen
    Spend more time in deen. This is our test and we will be asked about it. If we handled it in a way which is pleasing to Allah swt, we will surely be rewarded immensely InshaAllah.

    “Whoever does not argue when he is in the wrong will have a home built for him on the edge of Paradise. Whoever avoids it when he in the right will have a home built for him in the middle of Paradise. And whoever improves his own character, a home will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise.” [Tirmidhi]

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. Dear all,

    Thank you so much for your useful piece of advice and your helpful comments. You know, the main problem

    is I was brought up in Europe and I'm not so familiar with exposure and haven't learned to show off with

    my looks. I'm beautiful, but there is always something they criticize, it's either my hair or make-up which

    they don't like. I became religious to distance myself from this Vogue-culture, but it is more prevalent

    in Iran and Lebanon. They're always looking for flaws and it's very strenuous. I have to dress up in

    the so-called Mehmoonis, where guests are present.

    Wael, ur'e right, I shouldn't care about their remarks, but I have become traumatized in the meantime.

    Also, my hubby wants to stay here and is looking for a job. Maria M, your'e right. She is jealous coz

    my husband left Iran for me. That makes her hate me. She hates me deeply. But would you feel well in

    the presence of people who want to belittle you and offend you? I think I'm not good enough to forgive them

    or generous enough. I am who I am. I have good manners and expect other people to have them, too.

    Insha allah I will be able to let other people's comments not affect me like Wael suggested. Insha allah.

    • Salaams Naji,

      Forgiveness towards us and the others comes from Allah(swt) and it is necessary for healing.

      People around will have good and bad manners and everything in between and it is a part of life to learn how to deal with everyone, sometimes we are put under test being with people that we think is our opposite, to learn something about ourselves that wouldn´t show up in other situation, insha´Allah.

      May Allah(swt) guide every step you take, insha´Allah.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Naji.

      "I was brought up in Europe and I'm not so familiar with exposure and haven't learned to show off with my looks"If thats the case MashaAllah, keep it that way - (Although I will assume from now you mean dressing up in front of women.)even this is not a good idea dear sis as looks and wealth are material things from the dunya. Not only this women become very jealous of one another.
      Even if a woman is extremely beautiful, it is her nature to want to be the most beautiful

      Let me give you an example dear sis. When I was growing up, I had a huge complex about my appearance. I had a beautiful friend who was obsessed with looks. She would say things like 'why are you not wearing your hair/make up like this etc' and pick comments. Not as she was nasty, but because it was her nature. She mocked my wanting to wear hijab. I was more concerned with inner beauty but she influenced me badly. Being with her led me to comparing myself with others, thinking in a mean way etc. After some years, I seperated myself from her emotionally then physically (Stopped hanging out with her). Some years after I put on hijab, and stopped competing with other girls. (It didnt help that I was often teased about my appearance by others. I was never ugly alhumdulilah just insecure. If people sense this you are an easy target.) Now alhumdulilah I am happy and realise more what is important is your heart! Dont fall into this superficial game. Allah swt looks at your heart & deeds not your beauty& wealth

      So: If you cannot seperate yourself physically from their ideology, seperate yourself emotionally. Watch the game, dont play it. Make an effort to look nice. Let the comments be like butterflies. Take a deep breath and let it go. Do tasbih before you go, it will relax you.ask Allah swt to make it easy for you.

      You are not perfect - no matter how beautiful you are, you will have flaws. Also know that no matter what you do to try and look better and even if you were the MOST beautiful in the world they will STILL find something about you - be it your looks/appearance.

      Ask Allah swt to help you and try your hardest to do more islamically - this ALWAYS helps.
      Try to understand their behaviour and InshaAllah you will build up your immunity to it

      Possible reasons why they do this:

      - They may be jealous of you for something and pointing out your flaws makes them feel better about themselves

      - They may see you as an easy target as they know it bothers you and your a foreigner.

      - They feel threatened by you that you've 'taken' your hubby away from them. Mothers especially can feel jealous of their daughter in laws. (Tip: A sister {who gets on well with mum in law} advised sisters not to cling to their husband - she said 'be completely happy for him to spend time with her, without you there. Let them invest in their relationship from time to time - so be accomodating regardless of her behaviour to you.)

      Personally, I think its all three. Whatever it is its childish, mean and not islamic at all. Distance yourself as much as you can. Also dont open your heart to anyone in his family about this - they will deny it and ridicule you. (It also is a good idea to read surah ikhlas, falaq & naas once after each prayer, and three times after magrib, fajr and before sleeping. Read ayah 255 of surah baqarah once before each salat and once before sleep. All of these will InshaAllah protect you
      May Allah swt give you strength
      Sara x
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Thank you Sara. With exposure, I meant in front of other ladies or in general. You are right, provoking

    jealousy is not good. I have done this a lot with make-up and styling( among women).

    I think the best is not to take off the hijab in those gatherings. That's the best option.

    And only show the beauties to the husband.

    Thanks for guiding me on the right path sister.

  10. One last point: Very often, people are jealous of me and my husband. So that they try to thwart our relation-

    ship or try to cause a fight. What to do with those people and how to treat them? Can we avoid jealousy

    by showing us a certain way or behaving a certain way? How can we keep the Hassed from ourselves???

    Can elegant clothing provoke jealousy?

    Thank you very much

    • Salaam dear sister Naji.
      You dont have to wear hijab in front of these women just try not to flaunt it. Protect yourself with surah from quran -(as I have shown above) This is important! Im sure you both pray - but hold on very tightly to your salat and Allah will protect you InshaAllah.

      Also dear sister try not to show off. As you are in such an environment naturally you may feel the need to compete or show off. You will have to try extremely hard not to. Also I know it seems funny but if you feel insecure about looks, look at yourself in the mirror. Read this dua "O Allah, just as You have made my external features beautiful, make my character beautiful as well".
      Remind yourself that you are beautiful ok and be thankful dear sister.

      Try to read up on the Prophet SAW to understand what he went through. The Muslims at that time were persecuted. The Muslims were also slandered, mocked and even persecuted. Reading this will InshaAllah help you put things into perspective dear sister and make you patient. Look to how the Rasul SAW behaved when subjected to such abuse. He had perfect manners despite what people did but stood up against oppression.
      I pray that Allah swt helps you and your husband. Lov you for Allahs sake sister
      Peace
      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor
      x

  11. I read this and it reminded me of my mother's life. She was American and my father was Iranian. It's not you or Islam? It is Iranian culture. Love yourself and don't loose yourself. Iranian's are wrong and rude a lot of the time. You know in your heart when they are wrong. I can't get out of visit with my Iranian side of my family without someone telling me I need plastic surgery or something. If I looked or dressed like them I be so unhappy. I don't want what they want for myself.

    And yes I know Iranian are the smartest, most talented, and beautiful and in the whole world. At least they seem to think so and will go at extreme lengths to belittle you until you to agree and question your value. They love you but you at first but then you need to change everything about yourself until your not yourself. Many mixed messages.

    I loved my father and parts of the Persian culture but there is a lot not to love too.

  12. I faced the similar trouble, but the difference was that my persian husband defended me so much it even ended with a serious chill in his relations with his parents. He answers his mother's phone calls politely but we never go to see them and don't invite them to our place.
    I live in Iran and try to keep away from any friendship with iranian women, they're really tricky and as I don't use their ways it's better and easier for me just to stay away. I'm lucky that my husband is not very sociable and doesn't like to keep an obligatory iranian custom to visit everybodyaccept lots of guests.

  13. Salam Fermina,

    Thank you for your advice. It is really helpful as you have an Iranian husband yourself. At the moment,

    I'm exhausted. His mother's hatred has become worse to the extent that she sent her sister to Germany

    to "visit" us a few months ago. I found out that they tried to destroy my relationship with Sihr, and my

    husband didn't believe it. His sister didn't accept marriage proposals for about 3 years, and now my

    sister in law announced her marriage for the middle of July. My hubby booked his ticket and everything,

    and now she said that the wedding doesn't take place. It was just an excuse to lure him to come to Iran.

    He hasn't been there for about 1 and a half years. I'm so helpless and desperate, I want to die. She thinks

    I'm the reason why he is here. And whenever I address this issue, my hubby says I'm being suspicious and

    only see the bad sides of people. He doesn't see how tricky/cunning they are. Oh God, I don't know what to

    do. I fear that my marriage may collapse because of these issues. This woman is sick and wants her son

    back. My husband is not very helpful as well because he doesn't want to see their pranks.

  14. Asalamualaikum wa rakmathuallah.

    Sorry to hear about your story.Do not loose hope.If possible stop your husband from visiting his family through nice ways.Your husband should not know that you are stopping him intentionally.But for sure he will know.
    In case if your husband is not canceling the tickets, make sure you accompany and make sure you both return back home in limited time.Islam says even if the parents are bad do serve your parents.Hence Islamic-ally it might be wrong preventing your husband from visiting his parents.If you want to save your marriage and have peace you have to do something like this.You have strong 9 years marriage, why will you have to be insecure and bother about your in-laws tricks.As long as your husband is good, noone can destroy your marriage.If your in-laws don't like you, let them be.Its them who is missing a nice person to mingle with.Please stay calm and be courageous.Be confident and have trust in Allah.All will be fine.

    AllahuAkbar.Allhamduliallah.

  15. Hi

    I am sorry about your suffering. It seems like your in laws are bullying you. You seem like a lovely and kind person and they are jeoulous as they do not have the same qualities. The problem is with them and not you and even if you were an Iranian woman they would have been the same, try and keep your distance from them as much as possible but let your husband visit them on his own for a short holiday, let him miss you and worry for you when you are not there, he really should be more supportive but it can be difficult if his mother is an overpowering bully which she seems to be.

    If you ever have to go and live in Iran with your husband do not live in the same city as your in laws, Iran is a big country and there are many big cities that you can live in, visit Iran with your husband if you can and just the two of you visit Isfahan, Mashhad and Kish, just the two of you have a romantic holiday there if you can, at the end of the day you married your husband and not his mother it does not really matter if she does not like you she is just very very jeolous of you and you have become very sensetive to her, alternatively show her love even if she shows you hate and she will get ashamed of her self and her son also will stand up for you, it is not fair they are just jeolous of the love you have for each other. Remeber if you two really love one another no one can destroy your marriage. Be strong and try and keep your distance from them but let him have some time with his family otherwise he will resent you. There are many things wrong in the Iranian culture, I know as I am an Iranian woman but your love is strong and you will see one day the bullies stop. They are just insecure themselves and they are jeolous of what you have do let them win but do not be at war with them just keep a safe distance.

    Good Luck

  16. Assalamu Aleikum,

    I had almost forgotten I've ever had such a problem. I feel my problem has now quintrupled, as I fell pregnant. I have considered very well if that is reasonable at all. Then my husband said as long as we are happy, that's all that counts. Well, the problem is:
    At the beginning of my pregnancy, he went to his family, for a visit. He was so happy with me at first, then he returned, claiming I would have too many rights, would dominate him and decide everything ( which is not true) He started behaving like a patriarch, opening my letters, sexually humiliating me, and even said when we went to our gyno and he gave us the first picture of the fetus that the brain is big, he's a boy. He started with this macho talking and he even told me to abort the child or to keep it, so that he can return to Iran. A child he was crazy about at first. Moreover, he started saying things like I plan to take the child away from him, in the West the child normally goes to the mother and he would have to pay alimony. He wouldn't have any rights in this society,
    I will deprive him of his rights as a father. He was there for one week and those fears didn't exist at the beginning of my pregnancy. a few days later he attributed everything to stress because of his final PHD
    exam and changed 360° again. He had also accused me of not tolerating enough, such as Iranian women.
    but then he became an angel again and was helpful and nice , because I forced him to sleep at his friend's home for 2 days. He was nice and ba akhlagh again, and normally he `s the opposite of a patriarch. He helps at home, cooks and cleans and is helpful. I'm so desperate I'm almost in month 7 and I feel that I am full of fears of the future. His mother calls every day and wants to talk to me; I don't know what to do, I feel I'm not sociable enough for their pranks. Please can someone help me???

  17. I'm Iranian, too, and I kind of agree with Jannah in some respects. But I wouldn't advice the asker to compromize on her manners, as she will probably just feel guilty about being a snotty person - not to mention that it's not really an islamically correct approach to one's mother-in-law and one's community.

    I would take her husband's words to heart and act on them: defend yourself. And try to stay away from this community, keep yourself occupied with other things and other people. Don't mine too much about what other people say, they probably say even worse things about each other.

  18. Dear Naja, I am an Iranian woman living in Europe, I was married to an Iranian guy but I am very very thankful that I got divorced and had no kids with him. I totally understand your feeling, when I was reading your text, I felt all of them. I experienced what you are going through!!! I am originally Turkish but raised and born in Iran, my hasband was Pure Persian (Iranian are proud of being persians!!!), she humiliated me a lot, there was no boundry, they always oversteped the boundries, She forced her son to share everything with her which he did !!!! he reported every single thing with his mom ! what a poisonous life !!! I am very happy that I divorced him, Avoid Iranian Men !!!

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