How to control my anger and stop cursing parents?
"I seek refuge with Allah from satan the accursed"
AOA as the topic is quite straight forward, so I won’t narrate any stories. My problem is that I get angry and offended too soon since my childhood. This anger leaves me with no option but to hate and curse people secretly- even my parents.
I know I’m pathetic, but am looking for someone who could help me get rid of this habit. I am pretty aware that cursing one’s parents means eternal damnation in hell and bad life here as well. So I humbly request someone to guide me to become a better person, in fact a better Muslim.
-ghina
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AsSlaamu Alaikum Sister Ghina,
I'd prefer that someone gives you a better practical way to get rid of this habit. However, for the meantime I would like to share the following Ayah with you, wich you may already know.
"Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be good to your parents. If either of them or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect, nor scold them, but say to them kind words. And lower to them the wing of humility, out of mercy, and say, “My Lord, have mercy on them, as they raised me when I was a child.” Your Lord knows best what is in your minds. If you are righteous—He is Forgiving to the obedient."
(Quran 17: 23-25)
Also, you may want to read much about obeying and respecting parents here,
http://www.islamicity.com/mosque/sunnah/bukhari/073.sbt.html
May Allah help you Sister
As-salamu Alaykum,
Personally, I have always tried to teach my children to replace a bad phrase with a good one. So, if you are upset with someone and feel that you may say something wrong, you can say any variety of phrases, such as:
May Allah forgive you.
May Allah forgive me.
May Allah give me patience.
May Allah guide us to what is right.
There is no strength or power except with Allah.
Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best Disposer of affairs.
People already commonly do this in English, using words and phrases such as "heck" instead of "Hell," "Oh my goodness" instead of "Oh my God," etc.
So, you just have to challenge yourself to replace bad language with better word choices. When you feel frustrated, pour your heart out to Allah SWT by making dua (supplications) but don't allow yourself to curse.
Think of some alternate phrases and start using them. Insha'Allah this will calm your heart and make you feel that you are not degrading yourself by using bad language.
Walaikum as salam sister,
Let me first congratulate you on your own realization of your problem and having admitted your fault. Two important things, I understand from your question are, anger and cursing. These are enemies not only to you, many people around the world suffer from this and do not even realize, you have shown the courage to admit it. The fact that you have made noble intentions to change yourself is very much liked by Allah, this is what Allah wants from us, to correct ourselves. This is honorable and you do not need to feel pathetic about yourself. Sister! we are tested in many different ways, this is just one of yours to go through, take it as a challenge to conquer and emerge victorious for Allah, this is your jihad and your reward is with Allah! 🙂
Have hope and firm faith in Allah and make continuous dua to Allah (The Developer, The Shaper, The Restrainer, The Giver of Honor) to lead you through and keep you steadfast on the right path. Your journey to becoming a better Muslim is only but beginning. In fact, to be a "better muslim" is a goal that is never achieved, yet we need to strive for it and try our best to never falter till we meet Allah.
We all have a starting point. To get to where you want, that is, "to be a better Muslim", you need to understand where you are. You would know better of your own position, I am no judge on that and Allah knows best. The best role model for all of mankind is our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and as Muslims we must strive to ingrain in ourselves qualities like his.
One advice, you might have heard before, is to say "A'udhu billahi min ash-shaytaan-i'r rajeem" (I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed shaytaan) when you feel angry. Immediately, remember Allah in your heart and mind. Take a glass of water. Sit down if you are standing, lie down if you are sitting, offer salah should none of that help. In my personal opinion, this is not the end of your anger, it is only but a step towards neutralizing your anger and delaying impulsive action like talking back or punching someone in the face.
There is an old yet powerful and wise saying that, "knowing your enemy is winning half the battle". Therefore, it is important to understand what anger, curse and offense is.Reflect deep within by asking yourself certain questions, who/what is making me angry? where is this coming from? what is the problem and what can I do to solve it? Reflecting helps you to understand who you are, how you behave when in different situations, what your position is and then seek advice and take the necessary steps to correcting yourself.
The source of anger or where anger comes from, is a complex answer that would require an entire article. In my personal opinion and simply put, the source of anger will depend from situation to situation and individual to individual. For example, I do not get angered by a buzzing fly, but my friend will take up a newspaper, roll it and smack down the buzzing fly, dead! 😛 Now, one way to solve the problem of the buzzing fly is to kill it, but I would prefer to open the window and let it fly out! 😛 That does take patience, and that is what we want, to show kindness to even smallest of creatures! 🙂
If what you mean by "curse", is saying profane words such as a**h*le, c*nt, f*ck, ba*t*rd etc. then replace these words by words like "Alhamdulillah" or "SubhanAllah" or "Allahu-Akbar" in the moment of anger. Saying these words out loud is very important. First, it signals a message to the other person of your agitation/frustration. Second, it helps you remember Allah more easily. Third, it is a dua, a blessing from Allah and you get rewarded for uttering these words and attaining the pleasure of Allah. Fourth, you neutralize your anger and it becomes easier to give a more wise response rather than an impulsive and naive response to the person you are communicating. However, if what you mean by "curse", is making dua against the people that have angered or offended you, then understand that, Allah does not accept dua's that are unjust, because Allah is not unjust ever! Even if you have been harmed or offended, say "A'udhu billahi min ash-shaytaan-i'r rajeem", say words like "Alhamdulillah" or "SubhanAllah" or "Allahu-Akbar" when offended out loud, offer salah and keep patience, make dua for yourself and for the one that has done wrong to you! Again, reflect within yourself, ask questions like who has offended me? how is it affecting me? Try to understand the consequences of your behavior to those around you. Strive to carry yourself to a moral high standard such as that of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).
Knowledge makes a person humble. There was this powerful quote I would like to share with you, "Knowledge without action is vanity and Action without knowledge is insanity". Islam is a very practical religion and its knowledge supreme and unmatchable. In my personal experience, the more knowledge I gain from Islam and the more I put this knowledge to action, the more I have changed to a better human. Knowing the right facts about the importance of parents and internalizing this knowledge, InshaAllah, could help you change to the better muslim you want to become.
I would like to say, do not ask people for guidance, Allah is the only guide, make dua to Allah for guidance. All we can do is give you advice, point you in a direction. To follow or not is by the decree of Allah and your judgment.
I encourage you to watch some of these YouTube videos on anger and respecting parents, InshaAllah, they should increase your knowledge about these topics more and help you to better control your anger:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_57ZTxPRKHQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTWn8CSM7Vw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpdAbwEgS_k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Li-AJm4Teo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-Giu2X1N44
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRoKzXQiebs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjAw9yqOBqA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huClWgChsv8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5QVKbM7GdU
In addition to these, there are many more books, articles, audio lectures you can listen to increase your understanding about anger, how grave its consequences can be, see some of the examples of people in distress because of their anger.
Sister! I highly encourage you to increase yourself in islamic knowledge. This will be best your deen, this will help you become a better muslim, this will help you dealing with the dunya and ultimately you will be rewarded by Allah in the Akhira. 🙂 If you do have the time, energy and wealth, I recommend you to keep yourself busy in learning more about the beautiful deen of ours through the Islamic Online University.
http://www.islamiconlineuniversity.com/
If you did read through this entire comment of mine, you really do have a spark of patience! 😉 Keep it up! 🙂
May Allah grant you immense patience to control your anger, what you say and grant you the ability to say things that are beautiful, kind, loving, brings love, mercy and people closer to Allah, Ameen! May Allah also grant you the humbleness to not be easily offended and increase you in knowledge that is beneficial for you, Ameen! 🙂
Thank you..it helped me..thank you so much!
Im in her shoes as well..May Allah bless you sister regards Anam ☺
as saalamu aleykum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu i know you want to change and this is a very very good step .before do this is important realize why you do this. I think is a mixture of feelings and specially unexpressed taughts and feelings towards your parents and when this happend, you was just quiet in front of them but frustrated inside yourself and during a short period of time all these emotions came up like vulcano in cursing to feel relieved from the preassure of them is it? I think you should clean your heart first to look inside your heart and discover all those emotion that are inconstient and make them constient and deal with them properly. Is good fallow other advices too' dhikr and prayers, but most important your problem is emotional and need treated in special way. You can find a therapist or simple try be strong think you are strong and express your taughts toward anyone in a nice manner and let youself heard by people .comunicate with them not just them with you and them you agree on theyr face but inside you you do not.just express your unhapiness ina wise way and learn how to have an argument with someone, not necesarly mean if people have diffrent opinion then we do not talk to them or agree.you have to learn how to deal with things in life that somethimes are not necesarly nice but Allah is with us and help us and fear Allah only, noy people. express yourself to people in a wise manner will take some time but then you learn who you are and how to keep your heart clean and deal with people easy. I found a book that might help ,,Man are from mars and women from venus,, by dr Gray i think .u can find it free from net to read.that will help u a lot from emotional point of view and try to focus on your heart and purify it and i hope this will help in shaa Allah May allah help u and guide u in the best way in shaa Allah.
I posted question here but its not here anymore...?
Anyway my question is if someone cuss their Lord really bad phrases, like f-word, b-word, can it be frogive if they repent? If so, what must thye do to be forgiven ? I heard Allah can forgive anything with TOUBA but Im not sure of this.
please reply soon to me, thsi urgent
warda, see the answers given on this post, which is identical to what you are asking:
Frightened and despairing over my sins
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
But this person has mental medical problem, I'm talking about normal person who says cuss words at God, can it be forgiven if they knowingly do it?
Sister, it's obvious that you are the same person who created the other post. We answered you again and again. Please read the answers already given.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm not same person,andall her comments are sayingher it's okay because she has a medical problem
I am speakingof a normal person who knowingly cusses and if can be forgiven not someone who has an issue
You know what? You're right, I'm a liar:(
i guess I was just extremely upset over the stuff I said and everything ppl were saying on the other post was "It's okay, you have a medical problem, seek help, etc..."
And that made me very frustrated because I do NOT have a medical problem...honest!
I even tried speaking about it to my parents and said "I get bad thoughts about Islam,etc..."
And they got SO mad! And I barely said, "I get bad thoughts"...and they were raging mad telling me "audubillah, how could you get thoughts like this?"
now just imagine if I told them I purposely said those blasphemous thoughts about Islam and Allah(swt), they would have been SO ANGRY 🙁
And I know for sure I do not have a medical problem, wallah I said the stuff on purpose:(
I am so bad, I mean you saw the post, right? So you probably already know how bad the stuff I said were. Astaghfirullah. Cuss words, bad phrases, insults.....you name it -- I literally said the worst stuff ever.
In addition, I also said the curse words like I mentioned above (F---, B----, D--k, etc.)
I said these about Islam, Allah, the Prophet, muslims....I insulted everyone.
Wallah its not a health issue, I totally said them on purpose.
I just wanted to know if it can be forgiven if I cussed on purpose cuz everyone was telling me "Check with a doctor, check with a doctor"
I said them on purpose, I swear I said them on purpose.
I don't even have a reason why, I just said them cuz I felt like it, or when I was mad or frustrated, or "angry at Allah" for one reason or another, astaghfurullah.
I am too ashamed to even call myself a muslim anymore.
I seriously said them on purpose, I swear I said them on purpose, I wanna repent so bad, it was all under my control. I know everyone was telling me "it can be forgiven" only because they thought it was uncontrollable speech.
Plus I undoubtedly sinned when I lied (by using another username on this site) so I am pretty much doomed, I keep sinning and sinning and sinning:(
I seriously guarantee I am going to hell. I've already done shirk more than 3 times (cuz I've said these phrases much more than 3 times), so I know it cannot be pardoned by Allah on the day of judgement, just like that Ayah 137 in surat an-Nisaa says...
Alright, rant's over guys. Allah will never forgive me.
wasalaamu alaykum,
~muslima01 (AKA warda the liar)
Oh and I forgot to mention, I sincerely apologize for lying. I just wanted you all to realize I am in control of the stuff I say, but I should not have lied about who I was.
Dearest conflicted sweet girl,
Our Lord is THE Lord of mercy and kindness and graciousness and 'LOVES' the "returning repenter" more than the one time offender/repenter who does not repeat his mistake, do you know why ?
Because Our Beautiful RABB is ever patient and He Waits for His slave to ask for His Forgiveness so His 'Just' Self does not have to attribute the punishment as promised (in the Quran) in the hereafter.
I don't know 'your reasons' for your outburst at The Most Respected Allah (SWT) BUT I ASSURE you 100%, as Sure as my love and belief in His Oneness and Friendship with me that He is only waiting for you to ask.
Even if you 'feel' your anger was justified, perform ablution, do a sajdah and just tell Him your inner conflict about islam and ask for guidance, even if you don't want to do sajdah, talk to Him (He is closer to YOU than your jugular vein)
Two things I want to highlight;
1) Do not despair of Allah's Mercy (Quran)
In your heart of hearts do you think you could do ANYTHNG that THE CREATOR can't help you with?
So for Someone Whose name is Al-Rehman and Al-Raheem, is certainly NOT beyond forgiving your insolence!
** Prophet Moses (PBUH) murdered a man 'by mistake'- yet he was kaleem Allah, don't you think someone God SPOKE to, literally, would have faced Allah's verbal wrath at their next chat?
(Prophets are masoom, so don't ponder this point too much, just mentioned it as food for thought)
2) Your conflict about Allah and Islam is absolutely normal, Unfortunately, in our culture we snub questions, instead of tackling them with the wisdom to reply with guidance (my mom does it too, and she is an aalima) 😉 so RELAX!
BUT! Know this also, doubts are from shaitaan (he is our SWORN ENEMY), and the BEST revenge He takes from Allah is by misguiding His most Beloved Creation (US), but our Buddy(SWT) is wayyy cooler than the loser satan, because He promised satan of His Forgiveness for EVERY time "MY slave" will repent to me so NO you are NOT going to hell. (Insh aa Allah)
When Allah Created the heavens and earths and universe(s), He wrote His Mercy thrice before His Wrath so kind of hard to piss His Awesomeness so easily ya know 😀 <3
Lastly and MOST IMPORTANTLY, irrespective how, you need to ask for Allah's forgiveness for shirk and reaffirm and repeat the kalima (or atleast read: Ashadu aan' La ilaha Ilallah). AND NOT REPEAT THIS SIN!! No matter how demented the satan's attack is making you.
Because Shirk is one sin that is UNFORGIVABLE, (IF LEFT UN-REPENTED BEFORE DEATH).
Hope to see you in the palace next to mine in Jannah (Insh aa Allah Ameen) 😉
P.S I know this is an old post but I hope you get the notif of my reply and it makes you peaceful. x
Allah bless you and to all who come across this post with the Best of His Blessings from All His bounties Ameen insh aa Allah
On the authority of Anas (RadhiyAllahu ‘anhu) who said:I heard the Messenger of Allah (SallaAllahu ‘alayhi wasallam) say,
“Allah the Almighty has said: ‘O Son of Adam, as long as you invoke Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O Son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and you then asked forgiveness from Me, I would forgive you. O Son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the Earth, and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it [too].’ ”
[Reported by Tirmidhi who said it is a hasan sahih hadith]
and Ayah 4:137 is in reference to munafiqeen not sinners who rant on the internet looking for a sign/chance of Allah's forgiveness 🙂
ayah 4:138 - "Give tidings to the hypocrites that there is for them a painful punishment-"
specifically munafiqeen mecca who intended the prophet (s.a.w) and the believers harm and were in the midst of the believers' ranks pretending to be believers while planning their enmity from within.
-Peace. x
Incomplete knowledge is dangerous, arrogance of the knowledgeable is fatal and the combination of both is lethal. The truly knowledgeable will never claim it, the ignorant would never yearn it, an enlightened will always seek the difference!
If someone cusses out their parents behind their back (but only when they are alone, not like saying it in front of someone, so it is not gheebat) are they guaranteed to be cursed for eternity? how can i undo this curse to enter the janna
The prophet (pbuh) says: Allah has cursed the one who cursed his parents.
[Sahih Muslim]
Oh and I forgot to mention that disrespect or disobedience to ones parents is the one of the greatest sins after shirk, I think it is either second or third after shirk.
When I get angry I curse at my parents,secretly.And then I suddenly realize what have I done,And cry for forgiveness.Now it's been the second time I cursed at my mum secretly and BELIEVE me,I did'nt knew I was cursing and then I repeated astaghfar and klma..I have learnt to control myself,very much and I do not curse any more,but today I did....Is there a way to finish it completely.
May Allah forgive me,I love my parents very very much but I have ange issues.Please help me
Assalam alaikum
I am 37years old .2 kids mother .please help me for my problem.i am getting too much anger when my children do any stubborn.some times I lift my hand for them .I am scared for my nature.its will get future any bad thing.always I ask my children's forgiveness. And also I ask with Allah give me the control of anger.but I still have this problem. I ask Allah forgiveness also I ask with him if he purnish me I agree. But I need my 2 children's live long life with happy.i need my children stay happy always. God Allah will listen my prayers or not.i am ready for any punishment from Allah. I request everybody for pray for me to control my anger.
Sister Mariyam, wa alaykum as-salam. I commend you for being aware of your problem and wanting to do better. You have taken the first step. The second step is to see a therapist or counselor on a regular basis. A good counselor can help you understand the root of your anger, and work on eliminating it Insha'Allah. I saw a counselor for two years and she was very helpful.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Do you expect your kids to behave like a 37 year old? Do you remember how you behaved when you were your kids age? Your anger is a result of your thoughts. You can still remain calm if your kids are not behaving right. Anger does not do any thing good.
Do you get angry with other people you meet, like your relatives, friends, neighbors?
I can't control my anger. I got into a huge arguemnt with my mum yesterday and i cussed her out behind her back in private, i called her a c''' and all that. I can't control my anger. I need help why does Allah(swt) do this to me. I get very angry at Allah because he has caused many problems in my life, I am gaining weight and becoming fat even though I diet and excercise, my parents always yell at me and now I have an anger problem and cuss them out behind their back, and my school grades are becoming worse now, I even failed one course last year. Why me? Allah(swt) hates me. I don't know what I did to Him!!!
Now I don't know how to tell this to my mom. how am i gonna tell her what i did to her
Assalaamualaikam
Allah doesn't hate you. He loves each and every one of us. We all have to face tests in this life though. Talk with your parents or a trusted teacher about how you are feeling and inshAllah they may well be able to help, or at least reassure you that they went through difficulties too. You don't need to tell your mother that you called her an unpleasant word in private - just repent to Allah for it and try not to repeat it in the future.
If you require further advice, please submit a separate post for publication rather than a comment. That means your question can be published on the front page where more readers will see it and inshAllah be able to advise.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor