Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it sinful for him to not speak to his parents and marry me without their consent?

Disowning children is strictly forbidden in Islam

The brother I wish to marry (I have the consent of my parents) does not speak to his parents. He has tried on several occasions to make contact and visit them. His mother has tried to ban the rest of the family from speaking to him. The reason being he has moved out of the house and lives alone after years of his mother treating him in a way no son should be treated. He is 24 years old and capable of providing for himself and for me.
My questions are
1- is there any sin on him for not speaking to his parents (in particular his mother, his dad talks to him occasionally when the mother isn't around)
2- what should he do?
3- is it Islamically permitted for me to marry him without his patents consent?

Seeking Truth.

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4 Responses »

  1. Yes it is sinful for him to not speak to his parents.

    Im actually wondering what made his mother so angry anyway whatever the case , if this brother has apologised and is trying his best to win his mother back then i think she should forgive him. Every grudge has its lifespan and a muslim should not break ties.

    Let me just try my best to answer ur 3 main questions. I hope u will find them useful. In sha Allah

    1) we all know how much our beloved prophet has stressed upon the importance of a mother in our lives and how much our relationship with her weighs in comparison to all our good deeds. Let her b a dictator and let her influence every1 against him. She will b answerable in front of Allah and this brother will get no blame if he kept trying till she lives.

    2) if his father is in talking terms with him then mayb he should try to involve him. Hopefully if she is not the one who wears the pants in their relationship then he will succeed in his efforts of winning her sooner.
    In the mean time he should try to break the ice through his sibblings or other senior/respectable relatives like grandparents etc. He must not giveup on trying to contact her directly. He could call her once in a while. She might hang up on him or yell at the most.

    3) yes it is islamically permissible for u to go ahead and marry and live a lawful happy life. His problem with his mother should not work as a major hindrance in this case. Just make sure he talks to them about u and ur plans in advance. He could tell them how much he would like to have their blessings and their presence at his wedding. Its nice that ur parents r happy about it and r willing to get u married to this brother.

    Just dont get involved in their issue and let him resolve it on his own. Ur advice could always help but dont try to talk to her directly, u might unintentionally end up complicating things even more.

    Wish u all the best and congratulations for ur wedding in advance.

  2. Dear sister,

    Please be careful.I married someone who was not talking to his parents.He wanted a divorce very
    quickly no one knew we got married so it was easy for him.I do not know if he was meeting
    parents behind my back.He took advantage of the fact tht no one knew about his marriage to me.I had no one to go to or to help me.I wish I had talked with someone of his family befor getting married to him.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Without knowing the details of why this man doesn't speak to his family, it is difficult to advise regarding this. In general, though, we should strive to treat our parents with respect and kindness. How people treat their relatives can give clues as to how they may treat a spouse, so consider the situation and whether you feel he has behaved appropriately.

    While we should try to treat our parents well, there are sadly cases in which relationships break down, and this is extremely sad. I hope that in time the family will be able to reconcile, or if that is not for the best, then I hope this man will be able to find peace in his life.

    If your parents are supportive of the marriage, then that is sufficient to enable you to go ahead; the requirement to have a wali's approval is for the girl getting married, so there is (as far as I am aware) no requirement for the man's parents to give permission.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Assalamualaikum,

    Sister, I am very short on time, but I can't stop myself from replying to you because the situation of the brother you mention is similar to someone I know. The only difference is that it is the father who is blocking the way for him. His mother loves him and also supports him, but secretly.

    He was approached by a lady who wished to marry him, but he was not prepared. Without discussing the details, I would answer your questions in sha Allah.

    1. He should try to sort things out, but the behavior of another person is not in control of the former. Allah Is The Most Just, and He Judges people based on the Niyyah. So brother should try to patch up, to the extent he can. Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam informed us in a Hadith, as narrated `Umar bin Al-Khattâb ﺭﺿﻲ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋﻨﻪ : I heard Allâh's Messenger saying, ``The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions and every person will get the reward according to what he has intended. So whoever emigrates for worldly benefits or for a woman to marry, his emigration will be for what he emigrated for.'' (Bukhari)

    2. I do not know his situation, so I can not answer this in black or white. I say that he has to try to join the broken bonds because of the following Hadith:

    Narrated Abu Hurairah ﺭَﺿِﻲَ اﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ : The Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said, ``Allâh created the creations, and when He finished from His creations, Ar-Rahm i.e., womb said, `(O Allâh) at this place I seek refuge with You from all those who sever me (i.e., sever the ties of kith and kin).' Allâh said, `Yes, won't you be pleased that I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you, and I will sever the relation with the one who will sever the relation with you.' It said, `Yes, O my Lord.' Allâh said, `Then that is for you.''' Allâh's Messenger ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ added, ``Read (in the Qur'ân) if you wish, the Statement of Allâh: `Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land and sever your ties of kinship?''' (V.47:22) (Bukhari)

    3. He can marry you without their permission and there will be no sin upon him because a man is not required to have a Wali, unlike a woman, for Nikaah. But it is better to inform his father who is in fair terms. He should also try to involve his mother if possible. Otherwise, Innamal A'malu bin Niyyaat.

    Having said all this, he should respect his parents and should not disrespect them. Because Allah Said:

    وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا
    And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.
    وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
    And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."

    Even you should be careful, lest you should go beyond what Allah Has Permitted and commit sin. Stay within the boundaries set by Allah and NEVER act until you are sure that it is not making Allah Angry.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

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